Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Well, I guess its official now.


Oscar Sites and Contest Update

I hope you're planning on entering our OSCAR CONTEST. Check out the new Contest page, and if you're a woman, have some man explain the sexist remark to you so you can get mad!

Folks, we're doing this to build readership, so tell all your friends about this and other contests. It's the least you can do.

Next, I'm considering doing a running diary of the Oscars (with my thoughts) for Monday. But it's a lot of work, so I don't want to do it unless people really care. Leave a comment on this post if you'd like to see that.

There is some great Oscar stuff up today, including my review of Brokeback Mountain and Top Five Lists of Oscar Snubs. See the home page for details. Tomorrow I'll have a complete list of this year's most glaring Omissions.

Finally, today's cool Oscar sites: a huge list of critic's top ten lists, as well as a running tally on the best reviewed films of the year. Movie City News does this every year (it's easy to see other years on the site), but every critic alive and their top ten list. My top Ten list will be in Rank Everything, over two days, starting either Wednesday or Thursday. (Why can't I have my list on this big board? Somebody look into this.)

Secondly, check out the Oscar Guy. I've been looking for a site like this for years, and I finally found it. Kudos to this dude.

Now Introducing.....

Three things to tell you about today. Actually, I'll split it up into two posts.

First, I have new mottos on the Home Page, Movie-Hype and Monkey Barn. Go read them and be in awe. In addition, Monkey Barn has a new quote of the day. I thought about explaining who the author is, but find out for yourself; it makes the quote funnier.

Next, I'd like to welcome Elvis, our newest Monkey Barn Contributor. Some of you have been asking; is that the real Elvis? Well, obviously the official answer is no, but if you tell him you're glad to see him, he'll answer "Thank you very much." (wink wink).

Monday, February 27, 2006

In the News

Fun With Microwaves

The Question

The Answer

Hunger Strikes are So Hot Right Now

It seems like everyone is on a hunger strike: Close to 1000 Chinese protesters , A man in Idaho, Russian apartment buyers, Indian Univeristy Teachers, A California Artist, and African Immigrants in Brussels are all starving themselves for different causes right now. Even Emma from Degrassi: The Next Generation is on a hunger strike of some sort.

But I think Saddam Hussein wins the award for Least Effective Hunger Strike. What could his advisors be thinking? "Come on, Saddam, nobody would ever want to see you go hungry - your prosecutors will do anything to prevent you from having a slow, painful death." And this hunger strike really fits Saddam's whole image. When I think "Peaceful Protest" I automatically think: Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., Saddam Hussein.

I just notice that there is one piece of punctuation I often use unnecessarily: The colon.


In looking back on the rich history of popular music in the 20th Century, one can only wonder which current artists will stand out to future generations as the defining artists of the 21st Century. Well I think we have an answer: Kevin Federline.

You need to do two things:

1) Watch this video of K-Fed jamming to his own song

2) Watch this video

Oscar Box Office

Today's Oscar-related link

A look at the average box office gross for each category.

Pretty interesting stuff. Also, in case you noticed, we have a new Monkey Barn Contributor. It's who you think it is. As soon as he makes his first post I'll introduce him properly.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Somewhere, Opie is weeping

Don Knotts died today. I remember him best in Disney's 'Hot Lead and Cold Feet', with Tim Conway as bumbling outlaws. And as Mr. Furley in Three's company, where he has inspired an entire generation of well-meaning but deeply paranoid homophobes.

Farewell Barney Fife.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Turner Classic Movies

I really have been remiss in not going on and on and on about TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES.

I didn't realize how much I missed it up here until Canada finally got with the program and added it.

What Turner Classic Movies does is show classic movies....Commercial free, all the time.

Pretty sweet, huh?

But it gets better.

In the 31 days leading up to the Academy Awards (March 5), TCM is running their annual "31 Days of Oscar" gala, where every single movie is an Oscar Nominated film.

Tonight features (among others) THE KARATE KID, SAME TIME NEXT YEAR and A SONG TO REMEMBER.










I've just listed a few of the movies each day. (And highlighted the ones I won't forgive you for not seeing.) You will want to make time in your schedule for seeing as many as you can.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Surgery, huh?

I don't know why, but when I read about Koz's surgery, this scene from a Simpson's episode came to mind. The episode is 'Homer's Triple Bypass'.

Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!

Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!

Barney: Huh? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini!

I hope your surgery goes well, darling Koz. May all your sponge baths be given by sexy naughty nurses.


for our KOZ

Comfy jammies.
Cozy bed.
Big soft pillow for your head.
Worry not.
The nation will wait.
Take your time.

If you need something, give a hollar!

Talk about "typo"

The authorities in Moscow have hastily removed posters congratulating Russian war veterans which mistakenly showed the American warship USS Missouri.


Best Wishes, Koz (and I call your big-screen TV)

So, our very own Koz is going in for surgery tomorrow. When asked he was reticent to give the exact details (I asked if there would be "gnad-shaving" involved and Koz said "only if there's a hot nurse), but I gather it's not life threatening.

Still, any surgery can be scary, so I think the Monkey Barn Morons (and by extension the entire Hyperion Nation) should leave Koz encouraging notes.

I'll start:


Try not to die.



Time Magainz'e's Most Influential People (part 4)

We continue our look at the Time Magazine's 100 most influential people of the 20th Century.

Part I (Leaders and Revolutionaries)
Part II (Artists and Entertainers)
Part III (Builders and Titans)

I can no longer include the Wikipedia links, because the article was removed, but we have Time Magazine's own.


These were so hard!!!! I missed the first three (although I'd read Carson's book; I just didn't remember her name as the author), but then I rebounded and got the last 17 for 17/20. I feel more proud at that than the first three combined. See how you do.

Leo Baekeland
Tim Berners-Lee
Rachel Carson
Francis Crick & James Watson
Albert Einstein
Philo Farnsworth
Enrico Fermi
Alexander Fleming
Sigmund Freud
Robert Goddard
Kurt Gödel
Edwin Hubble
John Maynard Keynes
Louis, Mary & Richard Leakey
Jean Piaget
Jonas Salk
William Shockley
Alan Turing
Ludwig Wittgenstein
Wilbur & Orville Wright

fun things for you to click on

It's time for everybody's favorite post: Monkey Barn Lynx!

Today's list if brought to you by the letters R and Q and by the number 8

Monkey Barn Paranoia: What's up with those haters in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania? I mean, call my crazy, but does it seem like they are trying to steal my glory or what?

MB Manly Comix: T-Rex lives with his "Man" feelings.

MB quote of the day: in January, Turner Classic Movies profiles the great Miyazaki every Thursday night. However, the last week I guess they ran out of his films, and turned to another Japanese legend, Takahata. I recorded but haven't yet been able to watch his films. One of them was called POM POKO, about some raccoons. The translation produced this quote. I would reprint it, but you wouldn't believe me. You must see it for yourself. (Here is the original movie link.)

MB Dino comics; bonus track: I have decided that I am going to write this book.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Doggy Breath

. I love the look on the kitty's face. Seems like Fido could use a breath mint.


Lady Jane Scarlett - some call her a mad scientist, other just know she needs her coffee

This is how I like my science - thanks for sharing your beta papers on your site, Lady Jane. If anyone wants more Lady Jane Scarlet, visit her blog (but fellas, she's already one special guy's snowflake).

Osteoarthritis (OA) is a bad, horrible disease. The chance that you’ll get it increases as you age. Sorry to tell you this. In addition to personal pain and discomfort, this is also an economic burden on insurers and employers because really…who wants to work when they’re in pain? Hey, here’s some more good news. The current way of detecting OA is inserting a stick into your joint, moving it around and taking pictures of the area. You’ll likely have some young punk doctor playing around with your area of pain with a small rubber hammer, asking astute questions like “does this hurt”. If this invasive and demeaning method is appealing, then by all means continue to vote Republicans who like to decimate the NIH budget for breakfast and suppress technological advancements in their spare time. Anyhoo.

Diagnosis of disease by looking at eye tissue is rather appealing because it is non-invasive and most people see the eye doctor on a yearly basis, especially those older folks who have bad eyesight. There is precedent for diagnosis of diabetes, cataracts, and macular degeneration via analysis of ocular tissue using lasers. The last two applications are kinda no-brainers, but the first one is pretty rocking huh? The trick is to develop a method that uses a laser at low enough power so that the Einsteins at your local DOC don’t ruin your eyes with their newest 2 watt laser/toy.

Lady Jane Scarlett in da Barn!

While I did abstain from the Haiku craziness the other week, I am not anti all poetry. I just happen to be an uber persnickety dame. Here for your reading pleasure (I hope you enjoy it) is a poem by our very own Lady Jane Scarlett.

The Four Winds
- by "Lady Jane Scarlett"

May the four winds carry you to me
through time, eternity, lust and trust
to the soul of my everything.
Let me rest easy in your embrace where
your bright eyes fill me with loving grace.
May the four winds carry you safely home
where North, South, West and East kiss
your words and scatter doubts amiss.
Come back to me, darling, I am alone
sailing on the open seas.
May the four winds carry us back
from fracture, shame, rage and fear.
In want of joy, our paths adrift;
my solitude greets Eros in the East.
Through the day and into the night
our game, I’ll play with you.
Your silence I’ll bear despite regret.
The West has to carry you home yet.
May the four winds yield my cries
across the desert and into your ears.
My tears broken by North’s cold
and your lies I curse and rue.
May the four winds know your home
so the four horsemen can raise their fete;
create a vortex of just desserts.
Their breath fades our memories.
Yet now I wonder what to do,
for still I am one instead of with you.
Now these four winds carry me safely home;
an iron maiden of resolve, mistrust, lust and love.
The rest of my days
torture me with delight.

PS - don't worry I'm glad to say that happier days are upon her

US Supreme Court Backs 2nd Amendment

Put the kettle on!
Hallucinogenic tea is OK, rules US court.


Oh, Bryant!

Let it be known throughout the land that Bryant Gumbel is a Racist Pig.

You have to go pretty far to get me to side with figure skaters, but the no-talent hack Gumbel has done just that.

(by the way, the chick with Gumbel in the picture is his wife. I'm no anti-miscegenest, but it's an odd combo when taken with Gumbel's racist comments. And no, I'm not judging Gumbel based on one statement. The man has been a jackass for year. I'll take his brother any day.)

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

God Bless Bikers

Bikers roll to military funerals to oppose anti-gay protests. I'm glad there are people in the world who have the courage and conviction to stand up to hatred.


Sunday, February 19, 2006


I'm back! Did you miss me? Where have I been? I'd love to say I've been meditating in Tibet or playing Dahli Lama to the masses or bartering for some trained flying monkeys (if you're ever in the market for some, I suggest trianing your own, they're more loyal if you do) or sunbathing with Michael Buble (guess I have to wait until March to see him, sigh). Some might wondered if i fled the country and for fear of being traced had kept on the downlow. Or you might have wondered if I too had entered "the program" with Hypie. To those few, I can only say, "so many aliases, so little time." No, the truth is that I've been moving. Forty some days of packing. One day of moving. One happy girl (with a living room and dining room full of boxes and a little voice in her head saying 'you have too much shtuff'). Two great aspects of this move (and perhaps reasons for it): 1) no more roommate (now that I'm out I could post some interesting things about the experience like about the time she wanted to call an electrician to fix and outlet when she just had to flip a wall switch, honest) and 2) no more commute (close enough to walk if I wanted, but reality is that I'm a fan of the snooze button and sleep - although sadly now I can't blame traffic if I'm fashionablely on time). Right now I'm netless (gasp) at the house. I'll try to post from work, however, if you do not hear from me for a week, no worries, please don't go calling the embassies looking to see if I need a lawyer - again.

Watch out for flying monkies!

Praise Allah or not

Pictures from my favorite non-politically correct T-Shirt site.

Friday, February 17, 2006

#380 Flowers in my Attic

The Hyperion Chronicles

“A rose by any other name, would not have given me this column”

[Editor’s Note: I have been Monkey-Barning up a storm, and finally realized that I might as well make full use of it. For the first (and possibly only) time, Monkey Barn gets the honor of a column.]

#380 Flowers in my Attic

For Valentine’s Day I wanted to send a girl some flowers. This proved to be more difficult than I thought.

I didn’t used to be a proponent of flowers. It just seems stupid to give a gift that’s going to die within a few days. It’d be like giving a girl a sick puppy. However, I have learned that getting the flowers are only part of the story. The gift is much more appreciated if the woman gets the flowers where she works or goes to school, so her friends and co-workers can see them. This lets everyone know how valued and loved she is, and more importantly makes the other women jealous. (And if you think that’s not an important aspect to the whole flower thing, you’re crazy.)

The first problem I encountered is that the girl doesn’t live near here, and I didn’t know exactly where she worked. I couldn’t well ask her, or the secret would be up. I did some Googling, and eventually talked to a receptionist in her building complex (who I took into secrecy. The one way you can make sure a chick won’t be jealous is to bring her in on a secret, and then she’s all gung-ho to help).

Anyway, the next step was to work on the card. I’m a writer, you know? There was pressure involved. How do you say meaningful things on a card? I eventually called my sister in Nashville to work on it.

I had the first stanza, which went like this

Roses are Red
Violets are Purple
Your eyes are as rich
As sweet Maple Surple

I know, I know: corny as hell. But trust me: chicks like that stuff. The next stanza was proving to be much more difficult.

So far I had

I hope that these flowers
Brighten your day

And that was it. My sister was no help. She kept suggesting rhyming couplets, which while undeniably hilarious, were not only inappropriate, but would have caused my mother to have a stroke.

(The least objectionable one, which I actually told my mom I was using just to make her mad: I hope these flowers/Brighten your day/For as much as I’m paying/I better get laid.)

Eventually we came up with:

I hope that these flowers
Your spirits do lift
Love always, Hyperion
(sniff sniff)

Not only does this contain my patented “sniff sniff” that Koz and I invented years ago (imagine you were hearing me audibly do it, as if it suddenly got “dusty” in here), but the second line was turned around a little bit, to class up the poem with some Shakespeare-esque flair.

So, the poem done, I called the florist. I ended up going with a dozen yellow roses. I wanted to do purple (they were out), or better yet green or black, but I was told curtly they don’t make those.

I was a little nervous about reading my poem to the matronly-sounding florist, but when it came time she said, “Do you want ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ on the card?”

“Uh…” I began adroitly, “I wrote a poem and everything. I mean, it’s hokey, but I worked on it with my sister for like an hour….”

“The card is only about two inches big. There’s no room for a poem. Most people just go with ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.’”


Well, that sucked. Still, I regrouped. I found e-card company called Care2, and designed a nice card with some pretty roses. I put the poem on there. Then, when she got to work she’d see the e-card, and think that was the gift and be happy. Then when the flowers came…I’d be the Man.

At least, that was the plan. I should have known something was up when I was designing the card. The site doubles as a Left-Wing recruitment, and they kept trying to get me to save things or abort things or otherwise get involved in “Progressive Politics.”

I’m not making this up. Here is just a sample, from an actual email they sent me:

Race for the Rain Forest: http://rainforest.care2.com

- generates donations for the Nature Conservancy

Race for Children in Need: http://children.care2.com

- generates donations for Children International

Race for the Big Cats: http://bigcats.care2.com

- generates donations for the Wildlife Conservation Society

Race for the Oceans: http://oceans.care2.com

- generates donations for Oceana

Race for Pets in Need: http://pets.care2.com

- generates donations for the Humane Society

Race for the Primates: http://primates.care2.com

- generates donations for the Jane Goodall Institute

Climb to End Breast Cancer: http://breastcancer.care2.com

- generates donations for the Breast Cancer Fund

Race to Stop Violence Against Women http://stopviolence.care2.com

- generates donations for Amnesty International


How typical of the lefties. All gung ho to save the world1, but so disorganized they can’t send a simple e-card.

The card never arrived. I talked to her a couple of times Valentine’s Morning, and tried to fish for it, but of course didn’t want to ask. To make matters worse, her Ex sent her an e-card, which did get there, making me fume.

But he didn’t send her flowers.

They arrived right before lunch. I wanted the delivery guy to take them directly to her, for full effect. Instead they went to the Office Manager or somebody, but eventually they were brought to her.

And there was no card.

Actually, let me back up a step. The girl (or woman, or better yet, just to please the Care2 people, womyn) works with several guys, and they descended on her in a horde when the flowers showed up. This flustered her quite a bit, and she didn’t see the card, which—as you recall—at only two inches long is hard to see in the first place, and apparently fell into the wrapping.

Thus, I get a call from the womyn, and she blurts out, “Did you send me flowers?” A lot of things went through my mind right then, like “All that trouble, and the card isn’t even there?” Another thought came to me, to say, “No.” If you think about it, calling me is a risky move. Either I sent the flowers and am possibly offended she didn’t know they were from me or possibly upset the surprise was ruined.


I didn’t send the flowers, and suddenly I look like a jerk because I didn’t and wait a minute, WHO DID SEND THEM?????

I attribute her lapse in decision-making to her flustered state, and decided punishment was not in order. I assured her I did send the flowers. Unfortunately, talk was limited, as the aforementioned Neanderthal men got it in their heads to steal her flowers. She had to let me go to rescue them.

(if Hyperion had more money or class, these are the flowers he wanted to send. Still, she seemed pleased)

Eventually the flowers were returned and the womyn (who by the way, is oppressed by society, something that can only be alleviated by donating to Care2) was able to display them on her desk proudly. Of course every womyn in the office came by to look, and were appropriately jealous, so it all worked out.

The next day I got the poem sent with a new picture, this time using My Post Cards. If you learn nothing else, I heartily recommend you avoid using Care2 and instead go with My Post Cards, who called the card a “posty,” which even I thought was cute.

So there you go.


February 17, 2006


1 I had a wickedly funny joke here, but at the last minute realized too many people are touchy about these things, and took it out. Sigh.

Shroud of Torino

I was going to write this big ol' long post on the Olympics, until I decided I didn't care very much.

I don't watch, mostly because I think the entire process is corrupt and it's too manufactured (on TV), although I have respect for the athletes who train hard.

I think my biggest complaint this year is the obsession with calling the city Torino, instead of Turin, which is what the rest of the world has said for years. I realize that the people covering the games are in Italy, and hear it called Torino there, but I still don't buy the argument. For one, do you hear anyone saying they are in Torino, Italia? That's the proper way to say the country. Moreover, you didn't hear this in any other foreign city like Lillehammer, Nagano, or Salt Lake.

Since I don't have much to say, here is what I wrote back in 2002 over the Figure-Skating Controversy.

And while I'm at it, The Sports Guy wrote a much funnier column.

Beecham's Pills

You may notice we have a new motto today. It is based on an old jingle I heard driving home this morning, for Beecham's Pills.

Here is the entire song:

Hark the Herald Angels sing
Beecham's Pills are just the thing
Moves ye gently meek and mild
Two for an adult, one for a child.

Regular administration,
Just the thing for constipation,
How can man to Art aspire,
If his soul is not on fire?

Hark the Herald Angels sing
Beecham's Pills are just the thing.

Is anyone old enough to remember these things? If so, what were they for? Did they work?

C'mon, Fogies: I'm counting on you.

Lady Jane Scarlet Update

My search to discovery the identiy of Lady Jane Scarlet continues.

I found this poem called 'Social Progress,' but that actually just mentions, "Lady Jane's scarlet face." No help there.

The closest Wikipedia could come wasLady Jane Grey, who apparently was queen of England for 9 days. A pretty cool article, even if it didn't help much.

The best Google Images could do was Lady Sarah Jane Scarlet

At this point I'm stumped. Does anyone else have any ideas?

February 17 Linkage

Some links you may enjoy

Rabbit-punch: Bunny goes undercover

Friends Don't Let Friends Vacuum: The drunkest man I've ever seen. I have to strongly caution you here: this video contains male nudity. Why do I post it, when I'm against male nudity? Well, bascially, this guy is passed out drunk, and his friends think it would be funny to get the vacuum cleaner and, well, you know. I promise you it's not pornographic or sexual. Heck, it's even tasteful, as much as this kind of thing can be. Ultimately, though, it's hilarious, so I didn't want you to miss out.

I wonder how many times this guy saw Brokeback? Never let it be said that Hyperion runs from controversial articles, like this one, aruging that not all contextual uses of the word "faggot" are wrong. I will say his premise is interesting, and I can imagine after living in San Fransisco one would be sick of the PC culture. And, as a general point, I agree that we give way too much credence to words, acting as if they are evil and of themselves, investing them with power they should have.

That said, It's always been my experience that when people are adamant about a certain term, they usually also believe the negative meaning of it as well. Or put another way: there are funny jokes making fun of black people just like there are making fun of every other race, but most of the time the people who tell me them are also racist. Coincidence? Hemp may or may not have many industrial uses, but why are the proponents of Hemp almost always potheads?

I'm not saying the author is homophobic; I don't know him. And I'm not saying faggot is an evil term, when applied to gay people or not. (His premise is that among friends who aren't gay, it's not a bad term.) However, I can't buy his theory. First of all, when he calls his friend a faggot, even if he's kidding, it's not a postive thing. Does this lead to more gay-bashing? Maybe not, but it doesn't help. (For this reason I tell people who use "gay" to mean stupid, "Why can't you find a different word?")

More to the point, are we so hard up for terminology that we need to use words like faggot? To me, it's not about being politically correct, which I loathe, but about just choosing to think differently and express ourself in creative ways that don't rag on someone's skin or background.

Or maybe I'm out to lunch. If you're interested, read his article and decide for yourself.

Maybe if they jumped off the wall.....If you've always wondered what would happen if everyone in China jumped up in the air at the same time, The Straight Dope has done the math.

Don't put any in my jerky: One more Straight Dope, in honor of the week: How to make a Love Potion.

T-Rex Time: A couple Dinosaur Comics to round out the Links: T-Rex hates verbs. I think "We Can Sexy" is going to be my new motto.

T-Rex learns that Social Constraints Serve a Useful Purpose. A lesson Hyperion never seems to learn, either.

TV Chat

I’m all caught up on LOST now. Is there any question this is the best show on TV? I know some like to bitch about the pace of the show, but it sneaks up on you. Considering that we’re still only 50 days in or so, some major changes have been made. The Castaways are joined up, we have enemies within the group...You people who aren’t watching; you’re really missing out. You could do nothing better than rent season 1 and catch up.

For those of you who do watch, who else wants Jack deposed as leader? Tell me the island wouldn’t be better off with Sayid, Eko and Locke as leaders? Also, since Charlie went “dark,” I’m coming around on him a little bit. The baptism episode was inspiring. And did you see the dinosaur in his dream?

(probably not your first choice for a babysitter)

Frankly, dark Charlie is ten times more intersested than whiny conflicted wannabe father Charlie. Add in Sawyer, whose suffering is truly compelling, and LOST is in good hands.

Speaking of suffering, I continue to be blown away by the character of Greg House, and Hugh Laurie performing him. I think we’re going to look back on him in 15-20 years as one of the best characters ever. I’m tentatively calling him the best Procedural character of all time. For those who aren’t familiar with the term, a Procedural is a show that is basically the same in structure week in and week out, and doesn’t rely on continually building story-lines. Examples of Procedurals on the air right now are the CSI family, the Law & Order family, Cold Case, Criminal Minds, NCIS (heck; pretty much anything on CBS), Bones (my second favorite right now behind House), Medium and The Closer.

(My mom and sister think he's hot, too)

Before House, I’d have said Gil Grissom was the best Procedural character ever. I loved Lenny Briscoe, but the L&O franchise doesn’t usually give their characters a whole lot to do. (For bit characters, I loved the very first D.A. Adam Schiff. He always got the best lines.) Other Procedural characters I dig on: Warrick and Greg from CSI, the character Olivia on SVU, and Abby on NCIS. Maybe I’m leaving someone out, but until I get a compelling argument otherwise, I’m declaring Hugh Laurie the best of all time.