Thursday, August 31, 2006
Today's lesson: Let me call you Keebler
Dear Sea Hag,
Are you really a sea hag?
Why is it that some girls are so preoccupied with height? Us shorties have a lot to offer too! It's like, if you're not taller than the girl, you damn well better be rich. I knew this one girl who met a guy for a blind date. She never went out with him after that, because he was 6 inches shorter than she was. I found out later he was also a drug dealer, but that wasn't her reason for turning him down! (In fact, it probably made it more difficult for her.)
Signed, Dynamite comes in Small Packages
Dear Totally Dork-Ass Signature,
Not only am I a sea hag, I am the Sea Hag.
There is really only one reason that women prefer those who are not vertically challenged, and here it is: women associate things that are small in anyway with being cute, and not the good kind of cute, but the one that applies to things like babies, baby clothing, puppies, ducklings, bunnies, those retarded Anne Geddes pictures, and so on.
Therefore, a woman wants to look at her man and not think of him as a small, cuddly pet. They want a large, strong burly dude who is able to beat the crap out of anyone if so provoked. Or, at the very least, we want a guy who is just bigger than we are. It's not attractive if a lady feels like the Grape Ape while standing next to her man.
But cheer up, of the short men I've known, they've all had very large penises. I don't know if it's just God compensating or if it just looks that much bigger on a smaller body, but who cares? I say, take a few pictures on your camera phone and send those out to the ladies, and it won't matter if they think you look like you make cookies in a hollow tree.
As for the drug dealer part...well, all women have this weird mother hen thing in which we wish to protect and eventually turn around the bad egg (that was a totally unintended pun, by the way). And as most women have learned to their chagrin, we are not reform schools, and you can't change a guy. But damn it if we don't try anyway.
loveseahag (at) gmail (dot) com
Hollywood veteran Glenn Ford has died aged 90 at his home in Beverly Hills.
The actor, who appeared in hits like Gilda, The Big Heat and Midway, was found dead by paramedics. His health had been failing for some time.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Charity wants Britons to come to Masturbate-a-thon.
One question. How will they know who's faking it?
The incident occurred aboard a flight from Ottawa to Winnipeg on Saturday. The regional jet, capable of carrying 50 people, was operated by Air Canada's Jazz subsidiary.
Jazz spokeswoman Manon Stewart said that with 30 minutes of the flight to go, the pilot went to the washroom, leaving the first officer in charge. But when he tried to get back into the cockpit, the door would not open.
"The door malfunctioned ... this is a very rare occurrence," Stewart said, adding that the crew's decision to remove the door had been in line with company policy.
A report in the Ottawa Citizen newspaper said that for about 10 minutes "passengers described seeing the pilot bang on the door and communicating with the cockpit though an internal telephone, but being unable to open the door."
Stewart said the paper's report was "a bit dramatic" and stressed that at no time had the plane or passengers been in danger. She did not say how many people had been on board.
A strange thing happened to me yesterday. I went out for lunch with some friends and I ordered my favourite chicken pizza. I'm munching away on my second slice when I feel something strange in my mouth. I spit it out into my napkin and I'm staring at a piece of a yellow post-it note. An honest to goodness post-it note! I felt sick to my stomach. I look inside the pizza slice and I find the rest of it. It had been baked right into the crust!
The waitress and manager were pretty cool. They made me another pizza, didn't charge me for my lunch and gave me a gift certificate. My friend suggested that they introduce a new 'Fortune Pizza' to the menu. They failed to see the humour in his comment but it cracked the rest of us up. As I walked back to work, I wondered if there was anything written on the note. Maybe someone was being held hostage in the kitchen and the note was a call for help. Maybe not.
What's the strangest thing you've found in food that you've ordered in a restaurant?
Tonight is the Series Premere of Justice on Fox. (For East and West coast, should be 9:00. For Central and Mountain I have no idea, but everyone should check to be sure.)
If you go to Fox's website, there's a quick video promo: FOX.COM
I have no idea if the show will be good (although it's supposed to be interesting). I can't even promise I'll keep watching it once the other new shows start in September (Not to mention returning stalwarts like LOST).
But let's all watch it tonight, just the first episode, so at least we have something to talk about tomorrow, okay?
Who's with me?
Anyway, two of the questions I wanted you to answer here.
1) If you had to rename August, what would you call it?
(Personally, I went with Horse. Tiff made fun of me but A) she sucks and B) Horse just gets better and better the more you think about it.)
2) If you got to sleep with an evil person from history, who would it be?
I went with Genghis Khan.
How about you?
"Titan on the Tracks" Brennan and Booth investigate the site of a train wreck that includes the bodies of a senator and a high-profile businessman; a mystery unravels around one of the victims; Brennan meets her new boss; Booth encourages Brennan to visit her mother's grave. (course Yahoo! TV)
Recommended by Domie.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Today's lesson: I shaved my legs for this?
I enjoyed meeting you yesterday for lunch. That was one tasty grilled cheese sandwich. I also enjoyed our conversation, thank you for enlightening me on the fascinating and varied world that is Data Processing.
In spite of the fact that one would consider our date a success, and that you were, indeed, a smart, handsome, funny and well-educated man, I believe there is no future for us. Now, now, I know this is a shock to you. I'll give you a second to come to terms with this. Are you ready to continue our conversation yet? No? OK, I'll give you a second to dry your tears.
Well, now that that bit of awkwardness is out of the way, let me inform you where it went so horribly wrong: I spent that morning at the mall for the express purpose of buying a shirt for our upcoming date. This was actually my third day of shopping for The Perfect Date Shirt, and luck was with me that morning as I found the adorable cinnamon-colored blouse I wore on our date. As you may recall, it was cotton, which conveyed the 'I'm laid back' message, but preppy enough to say 'but not too laid back to be unfashionable!' I'm sure you also noticed that the color of said shirt superbly set off my light tan and also accented my fabulously juicy breasts in a sensual but non-slutty way.
I went home after this and agonized for an hour over what shoes I should wear with my Shirt-To-End-All-Shirts, and I'm sure you noticed the adorable open-toed sandals I wound up wearing, and the fact that they matched my purse exactly and, of course, showed off my new pedicure.
And then, I drove to the restaurant we chose. And you showed up.
And you hadn't shaved.
I won't even mention the fact that the clothes you had on were so wrinkled it looked like you got them out of the Dumpster at Old Navy. Also, I won't mention the faded, sweat-streaked turd you had on your head that you had the nerve to refer to as a 'hat'. No, we'll just focus on the fact that you didn't even bother to do one of the most basic personal hygiene requirements. Think of it this way: I'm sure you'd shave to go to a job interview, so why wouldn't you shave for a first date? After all, isn't a first date just an interview to see if I think you're qualified for a position in my panties?
Oh, and don't get me wrong; I may have gone the extra mile to look great on this first date, but I wasn't doing it specifically for you. I did it because I have a little pride. Try it sometime.
No love for you,
loveseahag (at) gmail (dot) com
Oh, and it was based on a great book that everyone here desperately needs to read. Joseph Conrad's Hearts of Darkness.
Monday, August 28, 2006
and you can choose the number of questions you answer - if you want to see what I would be...go over to my blog http://laineslair.blogspot.com/- yes this is a plot to get you to go there too - but I've been being a good girl and posting daily - which is a new leave for me.
Hyperion: Welcome Freaks and Frizzards once again to “Get to know your Monkey Barner.” I’m here today with
Ajax: Colonel of the Secret Police. C’mon, man: I’ve been talking to you about this for years. Not the guy who sits beside the road with a radar gun, but the guy who “disappears” the enemies of the Fur…I mean Hyperion.
Hyperion: I’ll goose-step you! Next: how are you like a mighty Greek warrior? How are you like a cleanser?
Hyperion: That’s all you, sugartits. Moving on, what’s your favorite post you’ve ever seen on Monkey Barn?
Ajax: the pieces I’m the most proud of are the Israel/Lebanese rants, mostly because they weren’t intended to be comedic, but were instead as cathartic pieces…like I’d put them in a journal. And getting the Hyperion front page props…..well!
Hyperion: Way to pick yourself! Actually, those are the best posts of the year period, so I got nothin’ but love for you. What’s your personal motto or, what phrase defines you?
Hyperion: But which one are you?
Hyperion: Grrr. Next (before I explode), we’re in the Monkey Barn Clubhouse, and you get to pick the first three movies we’re going to watch. What are they?
Hyperion: Does anyone know you’re here?
Hyperion: ‘Cause if I killed you for picking that, and you disappeared, no one will come ask me.
Hyperion: See, you’re married, so you don’t have to try to get laid. But some of us need some help, and those movies aren’t going to do it. In the past I’ve declared “deck” to be the new cool. What if you had to come up with the word for cool. What would it be?
Hyperion: That’s just dumb enough to catch on. (Note to Monkey Barn. NO! DANGEROUS! HURT THE BABY!) Last question, and please, take it seriously: right now, sitting here in Denny’s: tell the world what you’re wearing, and what you’d like to be.
Hyperion: And that’ll do it. Join us next time when we ask once again, “What’s in Your Barner?”
Friday, August 25, 2006
In honor of Hyperion's upcoming (11th) Bday - We Barners came up with "10 reasons I'm glad Hyperion was born." The other idea was a lobster gram, but some of us feared Tobias taking a bite of the singer and giving him some disease...then the institute would be sued....so here's the list...not song by a lobster.
10) He is so kind. Why else would he beat me with water bottles...he just knows how I love the wet stuff.
9) His rack is nicer than Jessica Alab's
8) He scratches me w/ an ostrich feather that tickets all my pink parts
7) He's brilliant, but not as brilliant as me.
6) So when the world is in turmoil we can repopulate it with genius together
5) He's a head above us all - and can put the star on the tree w/out a ladder.
4) He's a great writing partner, who consistently makes me look smart,funny and bodacious.
3) He makes me smile on a daily basis. :)
2) He always comes up with fun stuff to do.
1) If it wasn't for Hyperion, I'd actually be doing work at work. Oh, the humanity!
Thought you might like to know the lyrics to this song. As for the tuen, well, ask a 10 year old if you don't know:
Miss Dragon had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Miss Dragon went to heaven
The steamboat went to-
Give me number nine
If you disconnect me
I'll kick your cute be-
'Hind the 'frigerator
There was a piece of glass
Miss Dragon fell upon it
And cut her little-
Ask me no more questions
Play me no more tricks
Miss Dragon’s in the parlor
Sucking 40 forty-
Dixiecups are plastic
Filled with Coke and Jack
Miss Dragon gets some in her
You’ll get her in the-
Saxophones are playing
Miss Dragon likes to dance
And if the music sways her
Soon she’ll drop her-
Pansies in the garden
They brighten every day
All the boys they know that
Dragon’s a good-
Lay me to down sleep now
The covers you must tuck
I pray for that Miss Dragon
‘Cause she needs some…..luck
Hyperion: Welcome, bitches and bastards, once again to "Get to know your Monkey Barn!" Today we have the lovely Dragon, original member. Let's jump right in. Dragon, how has Monkey Barn made you a better woman?
Dragon: I'd like to think that monkey barn has given me wisdom I couldn't find any place else. Everyone here is so smart!
Hyperion: Well, all but two of us, at any rate. So, what kind of dragon are you?
Dragon: I’m green, have two heads and I'm covered with shiny scales. I’ve been known to incinerate a man or two and I'm smoking hot.
Hyperion: (your breath is smoking hot……
Hyperion: If Monkey Barn could corral one famous personality/mind to join us, who would you want?
Dragon: Genghis Khan…..I bet he could tame the dragon
Hyperion: yeah, or ride her.....Okay, let's say Monkey Barn became responsible (I know, just go with it), and we started a charity. Who/What would you want to be our main philanthropy?
Dragon: Children's Wish Foundation. What better way to spend our time than granting sick children's wishes.
Hyperion: sounds great! Seeing how Koz totally copped out of the meal question (taking us to a restaurant), what would you fix us all if we were in the Clubhouse for our first meal?
Dragon: Mac & Cheese and Milkshakes. Brownies and Skittles for dessert
Hyperion: Where's the meat?
Dragon: Ok, fine. I'd add ground beef to the Milkshake.
Hyperion: That's all I ask. So, what are three songs that totally move you, and why?
Dragon: Well, I assume we're not talking about the famous "Steamboa" song, right? Hmmm......R.E.M. - Everyone hurts - this song always makes me cry
Dragon: Pachelbel's Canon In D - I don't know how anyone can listen to this music and not believe in God.
Dragon: U2's One - I remember singing this song with my brothers and cousins at a U2 concert. 50,000 people all singing together. It gave me goosebumps and its one of my most cherished memories.
Hyperion: And then you breathed fire on all them, because they were U2 fans? Well, one can dream. Speaking of dreaming...last question: It's late at night, and you're up in the clubhouse for a Midnight Monkey Munchie. Creeping back to your room, you hear interesting noises coming our of the trampoline room. You look into see _____ and _____ (and possibly _____) going at it. Who are they, and please: describe.
Dragon: I see Lady Jane Scarlett, Tracy Lynn and Schrödinger. They are hot, breathing heavily and covered in sweat. I'm jealous and a little hurt that they didn't invite me to their game of trampoline hoops. I even have my own basketball!
Hyperion: You're weak, Dragon, Weak! But sadly, that's all the time we have. Join us next week when we continue to ask the question, "What's in your Barner?"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Astronomers say Pluto is not a planet
AP - PRAGUE, Czech Republic - Leading astronomers declared Thursday that Pluto is no longer a planet under historic new guidelines that downsize the solar system from nine planets to eight. After a tumultuous week of clashing over the essence of the cosmos, the International Astronomical Union stripped Pluto of the planetary status it has held since its discovery in 1930.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
The US Marine Corps says it has been authorised by President Bush to recall thousands of inactive reservists to serve in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Up to 2,500 of a pool of nearly 60,000 marines who have left active duty could be recalled to serve at any one time.
Hyperion: Welcome peeps, to another edition of "Get to know your Monkey Barner." Today we're with Koz, and we'll just jump right into the questions: Why do you think Monkey Barn is the most popular website?
Koz: It's gotta be the motto, you never know what it will be from day to day. I mean it could make fun of your mother or it could be poetry. You never know what you'll get - sorta like the prize in cracker jacks.
Hyperion: that's a great answer. How about this: The best insight into Koz is________
Koz: like Michael Stipe he's losing his religion
Hyperion: I'll be sure to tell your mother! Okay, moving on: What's been your favorite Monkey Barn group project so far, and why? What kind of group project would you like to do?
Koz: I liked the story that we all wrote where we had 5 minutes to write. Even though I was censored it was quite fun and spontaneous. I'd like to do that again. I hate posting artwork by the way
Hyperion: And artwork hates you! Okay, that made no sense, so we'll move on. What has changed you more: the birth of your first child, or meeting and subsequently befriending Hyperion?
Koz: Changed me how?
Hyperion: emotionally, personally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, sexually
Koz: If you mean I'm up all hours of the night and get no sleep, all my priorities have changed and my entire life revolves around one person who can't seem to do anything for himself - then meeting Hyperion has changed me more
Hyperion: (I kept waiting for the line, "and likes to suckle my wife's breasts") Yours is a good answer, though, which brings us to the next one: We're in the Monkey Barn clubhouse, and you get to cook the very first meal with all of us together (or, hire a band of gypsies to do it): Describe the meal to us, in full detail
Koz: Actually my house elves would cook the meal. It would be just like going to Fogo de Chao. Unlimited meat sliced off the skewer and the best damned salad bar in the world.
Hyperion: that sounds pretty sweet. So, what's your best "Koz and Hyperion" story, where you can't give the details, you can only reference it and raise your eyebrows suggestively?
Koz: Well we were at this place with breasts, not Chick-Fil-A (if you know what I mean). And we were drinking cokes (if you catch my drift) And then Hyperion had to pet this kitty cat (if you know what I'm talking about) And then we screwed this chick in the back room (if you know what I mean)
Hyperion: I don’t know about that, but as I recall, there's a picture out there somewhere of you in a dog collar! Anyway, last question: Your wife shows up to the Monkey Barn Clubhouse, and demands you two have a threesome with someone. Who is it with?
Koz: ok well I’d have to pick my wife as one of course. And the other would have to be Tracy Lynn just because I'm intrigued by her seductiveness, and my wife's a redhead too. That much fury in one room; somebody's gonna get a hurtin'!
Hyperion: And that does it! Thanks again and Koz, and join us next time, when we find out, "What's in your Barner?"
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
[15:27] BigRed: You should see my fishes.
[15:27] BigRed: they're so cute
[15:28] BigRed: I pulled the plug on my filter last night in part of my fit of things, and forgot to plug them back in
[15:28] Domie: i bet they look like red lobster dinner special
[15:28] BigRed: this morning they were just sitting on the bottom of the tank
[15:28] BigRed: you are sick Jesse, sick sick sick.
[15:28] Domie: LOL
[15:28] BigRed: now they're all swimming around
[15:28] BigRed: I want a bigger tank
[15:28] BigRed: it's not at all practical, but I really want one..
[15:28] BigRed: maybe at home
[15:29] Domie: well....at home
[15:29] Domie: u could do an entire wall
[15:29] Domie: i like the ones in the walls
[15:29] BigRed: water is heavy on the wall would scare me.
[15:29] Domie: like btwn the kitchen and dinning rm
[15:29] Domie: and keep lobster in it
[15:29] Domie: hee hee
[15:29] BigRed: therapy
[15:29] BigRed: and drugs
[15:29] Domie: fresh dinner
[15:29] BigRed: STOP!
[15:29] Domie: home range lobster and shrimp
[15:29] BigRed: your'e scaring Mabel and Bleu
[15:29] Domie: just pick ur own
[15:29] BigRed: you need help
[15:30] Domie: i'm killing myself
[15:30] BigRed: Hey I've got to get a couple of letters written before I take off for my meeting. So chat later?
[15:31] Domie: ok l8r
[15:31] Domie: i like the fish tank idea
[15:31] Domie: esp btwn the kitchen and dinning rm
[15:31] BigRed: I'm leaving now...
[15:31] Domie: i can't believe u don't like it and think i need drugs
[15:32] BigRed: Ha
[15:32] BigRed: Ha!
[15:32] BigRed: Ha@
When I bought it up, he said, "Go Interview yourself!" and threw a water bottle at me! (Actually, that's not the only thing he told me to do to myself.)
You know what this means....no way Hyperion checks Monkey Barn today, so we can GO NUTS!
I'm not sure why he's so angry at everything. I thought he'd be all excited because Sunday he smashed his one day actual visitors record, and then Monday he more than doubled that!
Alas, he's pissed that it's because he accidentally mentioned those models like Brittany Bratt and Kerri Guiney.
I told him we could do some nude pictures and we'd be famous, and he got this look in his eyes like he was going to murder me! I was so scared!
(But he can't be too mad if I show a tasteful picture of Jodi Albert, can he? I made not be a NUDE PICTURE OF JODI ALBERT, but it's not bad.
Okay, so if Hyperion is boycotting the Institute today, it's my job to entertain you.
Oh, I know!
How many of you are easily offended by religious humor? If so, you don't want to visit Edible Dirt. It's a web-comic that skewers anything in its path. (I think there may also be some hentai ads that aren't good for work. I never pay attention to that, but I just saw a comment come in, so I better mention it before Hyperion goes balistic. Also, I better delete the comment!)
If you're easily offended, you definitely don't want to click on this cartoon, or this one, or this one, or this one, or this one. (The last one made Hyperion laugh for ten minutes, but he said he'd never get away with putting it up. Luckily he's in such a bad mood.)
If you don't like to be offended by religious cartoons, what about just general human decency? This is one of my favorites. (It's about Pavlov's Cat) And I like this one. And this one would make Clapton cry.
And since I don't want to be accused of ignoring all of you without good senses of humor, here is a tame joke for you lame-os:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every! little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
Monday, August 21, 2006
Hyperion: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, kapgars and river midgets...gather 'round. It's once again time to "Get to know your fellow Monkey Barner." Today we have the beautiful talented scrumptious (let's see...what was the other word she told me to say? Oh yeah!) AWESOME Tiff. She's been kind enough to give us a few minutes for 7 questions. Tiff, first up: at what point did Monkey Barn become more important to you than family, work or God?
Tiff: When someone mentioned
Hyperion: Interesting answer. Speaking of your name, how did you come by "Tiff" ?
Tiff: Were we speaking of my name? If not, we should be, because, like everything else about me, it's interesting. At my first job in science (say it like Thomas Dolby in your head, everyone), when I was young and blonde and so smoking hot the sun had to get air conditioning, my boss thought I looked too surfer-girl for my real name, and dubbed me "Tiffy." Pretty soon everybody else in the Microbiology department was doing the same, and there was nothing for it but to answer. So, I'm totally Tiff now. Like, you know, because it's da shizz. Tee hee.
Hyperion: Tobias thought it was because you're cranky a lot. All morning he's been joking around, saying he wants to be "in a tiff." Not sure what he means by that, so we'll move on and ask: what advice would you give a struggling young (or not-so-young) blogger out there who wants to get into the prestigious Monkey Barn?
Tiff: First, Tobias is very naughty and should be spanked to remind him that he was going to straighten up and fly right. Second, asking me for advice is, to say the very least, ill advised. However, because I was asked, I shall answer thusly: mix a cocktail of alder leaves, gin, and poison frog spittle during a full moon, toss it over your left shoulder at midnight chanting the words" ooom paya maldingdong" thrice, and start commenting like crazy on Hyperion's sites. I'm convinced that's what did it for me.
Hyperion: And Naked pix don’t hurt.
Tiff: Gosh - we're three questions down already! This is going much too quickly.
Hyperion: Well, then we'll throw in a bonus question because of your awesomeness (just don't tell the other Monkey Barners, as they are a jealous lot): what can you tell us about the location of Hell?
Tiff: My thanks for the extra time, and for such a hard-hitting question befitting my current state of extreme awesomeness (which sometimes can flux to mere awesomeness, but today is on red hot alert). As it so happens, I have firm proof that Hell is in the center of the earth. I can forward a very informative website to those who may be interested in such things. Also, I have proof, from the same website, as it so happens, that rock stars who die young die earlier than most other people. Amazing things are happening every day on the internet, don't you find?
Hyperion: Too bad they're not happening here! Just Kidding, Just Kidding. Uh, I'll defer to you on Hell, since I'm way too pious for such thoughts, and turn to my next question: Why didn't you tell us you participated (and won!) Miss Nude Australia under the name Brittany Bratt?
Tiff: A note: AWESOME things are happening here. Word of the day and all.
Tiff: oh, and to the question - I did not. My Miss Nude Australia name was Tiffany Temblor, because men felt the EARTH MOVE when I approached. That
Hyperion: Well then! (And kids, if you scroll down a few entries, you can see
Hyperion: While we're young, Tiff
Tiff: jeepers, Hyp, fashion takes TIME!!!!!! This stuff doesn't just fall outta trees, you know. Plus which, I'm doing this at WORK and people need me to DO stuff from time to time.
Tiff: Sweet!! "Hyperion is wearing the latest in MB men's fashion, the fuzzy boxer-brief with ammo bolero. Note the tail protruding from the back for those games of touch-IMing the MB is famous for. And here's LJS attired in the comfy ladies togs, a blousy flannel onesie with deeply scooped neck and crotch snaps. She wears the MB-print pareo, complete with cutout for the required tail accessory. Hyperion and LJS both carry the down-stuffed conical pillows of doom in a bright yellow and brown monkey print, just perfect for bopping a paramour or River Midget over the head..."
Hyperion: Is it possible to be creeped out and turned on at the same time? Don't answer that, or I'll get accused of asking you 9 questions! Moving on (quickly): why is your home site called "No Accent Yet," when we've heard your audioblogs: you clearly are a redneck.
Tiff: It's all a fake. I'm actually Australian, remember?
Hyperion: oh yeah. This brings us to our Final Question, and please: take your time, take it seriously, and if possible, sexy details are always a plus: Back in the Monkey Barn Clubhouse, you have to share a room with two other Barners. Who do you bunk with, and what might that first night be like?
Tiff: This will speak to my ultimate identity as freak girl, because even though I KNOW the ladies here are fine beyond all comprehension, I'd have to go with Hyperion and Tobias, because well, when's my next chance to sleep with a giant and a midget in the SAME NIGHT? Never, I tell you! We'd tell stories of our lives as children in the circus, and how awesome we are, and we'd eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor and drink Yoo-Hoo and do each other's hair and maybe work in some therapeutic massage while doing a cucumber masque. I'd take pictures of us and we'd put them on MySpace and make everybody wonder about our interesting and awesome lives.
Hyperion: Makes me want to find a hammer and some nails! Thanks for answering truthfully, even if you took longer than there have been fishes in the ocean to answer the questions. We're all out of time, so join us again as we ask, "What's in your Barner?"
Sunday, August 20, 2006
8. Mark Wahlberg
6. Hugh Jackman
5. Taye Diggs
4. Benjamin Bratt
2. Djimon Housou
Hope you enjoyed the list.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I totally should not be doing this on Monkey Barn. This kind of post belongs on HyperionX. But you caught me on a weird day. It's the weekend. And, I don't really care if you like it or not. You're not required to look at half-naked women.
But if you do (make sure you click on individual pix to make them bigger, and then click again for bigger yet; more on bigger yet in a minute)......
#19 (Kyla Cole) would be in my Top Five, but dishonorable mention for her poor personal grooming choices.
Bad picture of #5 (Jessica Alba) although obviously even a poor-res scan gets Jessica in any top five. Interestingly, it says she hates cats. (Somewhere Schrodinger crosses one more hopeful off her "For that Bitch, I'd switch Teams" list.)
#2 (Brittany Bratt) has way too big a breasts, but for her alone it seems to work. No wonder she was Miss Nude Australia. Why can't they televise that pageant?
[By the way, and I know men are going to call me a traitor, but I really have to object to some of these women's breast size. It borders on the grotesque. In general I am totally not in favor of breast jobs, but I can admit that some women do look better. And of course usually you go bigger. But that much bigger? Why can't they be more natural with their body type? Don't get me wrong; I'm not hating on large breasts, but large breasts should go on a larger girl. I'm not saying the girl needs to be Hossified, but she needs to have a frame to support such a body type; the prototypical load-bearing bar matron, if you will.]
[And while I'm on the subject of breast jobs, who decided it was sexier to have these round perfect orbs as breasts? Yes they are perfectly sculpted, but they're not even close to natural. A breast is supposed to be more tear-shaped, you know? These women are idiots. Or maybe it's just me.]
My Top Three, at least as far as these pictures go:
#35 (Jodi Albert) - Why Jodi, who isn't any prettier than anyone else, and isn't even naked, for EVON's sake? Because she has a little bit of flesh on her! If women knew how men actually liked this, they'd eat that dessert and be much happier.
#45 (Kerri Guiney) - If for no other reason than her breasts seem to be real.
#79 (Natasha Marley) - Maybe those breasts aren't real, but they are tear-shaped, and they seem reasonably proportional to her body (at least in Modelville).
By the way, Tobias's favorites are #55 (Nikkala Stott), because he says all redheads are sexy, and #30 (Abi Titmuss), because he says Abi's body is just like Lady Jane Scarlett's (although how Tobias would know that is something I've yet to determine).
If you have favorites, leave them in the comments.
Friday, August 18, 2006
I think my favorite part might be when the flight attendant tells the pilot he has to land, and he says, "Where do we land? It's space?"
The goal is to come up with other ideas for a movie title a la SNAKES ON A PLANE.
Brian recommended Raccoons on a Space Shuttle, as well as Sloths on a Tank, Tarantulas on a Hovercraf and Giraffes on a Hot Air Balloon (which he named his team).
One of the other teams (our old friend Bear) named his team Steaks on a Plane.
Can't top that, but just to try, I offered
Hyperion: Welcome to another edition of "Get to know your Monkey Barner!" I'm here today with Tracy Kaply, a more recent edition to the Barn. How are you today, Miss Kaply?
Tracy Lynn: What do you mean by that?
Hyperion: And I see we're ready to go, so let's get right to it. Question 1: Why did you agree to join the Monkey Barn in the first place?
Tracy Lynn: Well, it looked like a lot of fun. I started by reading it, then I began commenting on the last getting to know you quiz, and suddenly I'm a Monkey Barner and I'm taking orders from you on a regular basis. Or not taking orders from you on a regular basis. Whatever.
Hyperion: I've never known a woman to do what you tell them to. Next question: Tracy Kaply is a fairly normal name, but you know how cruel kids can be. What were some of the nicknames kids teased you with growing up?
Tracy Lynn: Honestly, I have never had a nickname. My family calls me Tracy Lynn, but everyone else just calls me Tracy. And Kaply is actually a very unusual name. If you meet anyone with that name, they are definitely related to me by blood or marriage.
Hyperion: Wow. Hard to believe you didn't engender some wicked insults growing up. (Probably said them behind your back if they knew what was good for them.) Moving on, if the Monkey Barners had a baseball team (the Monkey Barn Morons, natch), what position would you play?
Tracy Lynn: I'd have to be the catcher. I'm just way too bossy to play any other position.
Hyperion: (must resist urge to make obvious "used to having balls thrown at your head" joke. Make it up to the Sam Kinnison's ghost later....), Uh, next question: Where is Tracy Lynn in 10 years?
Tracy Lynn: Dude, if I'm not dead, I'll be doing really well. I hope to have a new kidney by then, to be in
Hyperion: I'm assuming that's your way of roundabout proposing marriage. I'll get back to you after the interview, which brings us to our next question: If the Monkey Barn was actually a big clubhouse we went to after school to play cards and make cool hats, what would the password be to get in?
Tracy Lynn: EAT THE BABY!!!!
Hyperion: I just laughed so hard that I sneezed skittles. Not often that happens! Let's finish this before I get incontinent. What is something everyone should know about Tracy Lynn? What is something no one should know?
Tracy Lynn: Yes, I do actually have a real violent past. Sometimes, I sing songs to my cats.
Hyperion: (but which answer is to which question?????) Finally Miss Lynn, and please, feel free to go into as much detail as possible, if you had to sleep with one other Monkey Barner (not "sleep" sleep but the "Spring symphony"), who would it be and why?
Tracy Lynn: I'm sorry, I've already answered seven questions, eight if you include the 'How are you?'. You have reached your limit, pal.
Hyperion: Total cheat!
Tracy Lynn: Life isn't fair, buddy.
Hyperion: And that's all the time we have with Tracy Lynn, who for obvious Hyperion-related reasons prefers not to answer the final question (which is totally understandable). Let's all give Tracy Lynn a big round of applause and join us here again soon when we continue to find out, "What's in your Barner?"
Thursday, August 17, 2006
And he also told me that if I'm going to rejoin Monkey Barn I needed to "straighten up and fly right." (Whatever that means. Half the time he makes no sense.) Also, I needed to apologize.
So, to all the people I offended before, whether Monkey Barners or visitors, I'd like to say....you all suck! Sea Hag carries you on dates!
That's right: I went there: You're all ho-bags! I'm Tobias the River Midget, and you better recognize!
Johnny Depp and director Tim Burton are to reunite for a film version of
the Stephen Sondheim musical Sweeney Todd.
Hyperion: I'm here with the divine Miss S. as we play another edition of "Get to Know your Fellow Monkey Barner. Schrödinger, first question: how has Monkey Barn made you a better woman?
Schrödinger: Despite my photos, Schrödinger was a man...so, clearly Monkey Barn has helped me unmask my Freudian issues. I also now know that pirates are better than ninja - a fact that will help me in the frequent real world rumbles I encounter. Rumbles like West Side Story. But with better clothes. Hmmm...what else? I think Monkey Barn has exposed me to a world of dementia (no offense) that makes me feel like a more
Hyperion: On that same subject, explain to the readers (especially the ones too stupid to read your archives) the origins of the "Schrödinger" name
Schrödinger: Erwin Schrödinger was an Austrian physicist who won the Nobel for Schrödinger’s equation in quantum mechanics. It's a 'cat thought experiment' which has become known in physics circles as 'Schrödinger’s Cat' paradox. The basic experiment demonstrates that quantum mechanics is incomplete when you transfer the idea from subatomic to the real world. A cat is sealed in a box with a radioactive nucleus and poison. If the nucleus decays, the particle emitted will trigger the poison and kill the cat. If the nucleus does not decay, then the cat is fine. According to QM, the nucleus exists in dual states - decayed and undecayed - simultaneously....meaning the cat must exists in those same states - alive and dead - simultaneously. Clearly this is not the case, and the cat exists in one state or the other. The purpose of this is to illustrate that QM is incomplete. So anyway...now that you're bored to death: I did my senior thesis on this in college, presenting it to faculty. I rocked, being that I had spiffy graphics and the presence of a stand up comic. I have since gone on into another field, and feel like I exist dual-state. I am also a paradox :^) Hence the spin-off into Schrödinger’s kitten and my blog/name.
Hyperion: well, I'm glad we have one smart person on board to counteract all the dead weight! Moving on, if we were going to do an All-Monkey Barn cast production of Grease, and an all-MB production of Star Wars, which character would you want to play in each?
Schrödinger: I am a virgin blonde, lol, so I get to be
Hyperion: Sacrilege! But, speaking of tight pants, what are you wearing right now?
Schrödinger: How did I know this would come up? I have a very nice pair of Strawberry PJs on.
Schrödinger: Not slutty at all.
Schrödinger: They do have lips on them EATING the berries, so maybe that's a bit tacky.
Schrödinger: Ok, I'm a whore.
Hyperion: that reminds me of the time I was caught..."in a jam...." Next: If there was a Monkey Barn Clubhouse, where we all went after school, what would our theme song be?
Schrödinger: sigh. Bad pun. Ok...clubhouse. I think our theme song would have to be O Rey Paalan Harre, a Hindi Bollywood song, which loosely translates to 'Den of Infidels dancing to Brady Bunch while wearing underoos'. Specific, I know...I was amazed it wasn't a hit. And it's catchy.
Hyperion: I'll look for P. Diddy to start sampling it any day now. Okay so Schro: what are three words that people don't usually use to describe you, but dammit, they better start!
Schrödinger: Sugartits, effervescent, and pleasant.
Hyperion: Works for me! Finally--and this is the serious question--if you had to commission a tastefully erotic painting of one of the Monkey Barners, who would it be and why?
Schrödinger: I'm going to say
Hyperion: Well Then! That's all the time we have for today. Thanks to our lovely Schrödinger, and please join us next time on "What's in Your Barner?"
You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are.While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need.Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational.You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.