Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Technotastic!

what kind of soda are you?




You Are Dr. Pepper



You're very unique and funky, yet you still have a bit of traditionalism to you.

People who like you think they have great taste... and they usually do.



Your best soda match: Root Beer



Stay away from: 7 Up

Friday, December 22, 2006

I know it's probably too late, but I had to share these last minute gift ideas. Besides, my birthday is the 31st of this month, so there's stil time.

Zappos.com

I could easily EASILY spend hours here. They sell shoes, but lots of other cool things too, like watches. I was just drooling over the sandals. Apparently Zappos is all about customer service. They have free shipping, both ways if necessary, and offer a 365 day money back guarantee. At least check out the site, yo (and I wear size 15 in sandal).


Aubade

Women, I know you peaked below and you think this is porn, but hear me out! Aubade makes UNFREAKINGBELIEVABLE lingerie, but it's their calendar I am recommending This is truly the perfect gift.




Here's why the calendar is so the perfect gift:

Your man will love the calendar for obvious reasons, but the lingerie is so otherworldly classy, the pictures so elegant, that you will too. Plus, he will enjoy looking at the calendar so much that he'll likely buy you some of the lingerie. Ladies, please: take a few moments to peruse the site, and then on your knees to thank me! (Guys should already be there.)


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Just in time for Christmas - JKR gives us a present - the title of book 7


The title of the seventh and final Harry Potter book will be...

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/6200745.stm

Finger Salad

So I did something really stupid last night. I sliced off a good size chunk of the fleshy part of my thumb. How? Well, with this lovely contraption, my beloved mandoline.


I was slicing onions for a salad that I was taking to a dinner party. I was in a rush and so I decided to forgo the use of the safety gripper and just held the onion with my fingers as I sliced. Brilliant, I know. It hurt like a son of a b.. and it wouldn't stop bleeding. I wrapped it up as best I could, started the salad over and went to the dinner party. I got a mix of sympathy and teasing from the other guests. I told them that I was careless and didn't deserve sympathy. What I deserved was to mocked and mocked severely. They were more than happy to oblige.

The salad turned out great and my friend Carl, renamed it Finger Salad in my honour. Gee, sweet.

The salad was delicious. Here's the link if you want to try it. Just promise me you'll be more careful than I was.

Mandarin Salad (Finger Salad)

xo,

Dragon

2006 Review by JibJab

Nuckin' Futs! The JibJab Year in Review Send To Friends Funny Animations at JibJab

Koz sux

Koz asked me to post this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3asI3cfilkw) but this stupid computer won't imbed, and for that matter, there is no sound so I have no idea if this is even funny, or if there is childporn rap going on or something. (I doubt it, being a DirectTV commercial, but the point is, I don't know.)

Somebody watch this, and, if funny, post the embedded video.

Christmas Bells

I can't believe I go out of my way to post little tidbits here on Monkey Barn, and you bastards aren't even commenting! I tell you the the truth...when I get full-time Internet access back, Monkey Barn is going to get a collective ass spanking the likes of which have not been seen since Hyperion had to hide out in a Tulane Sorority one weekend from the cops. (Long story.)

I'm tempted to not even post more jokes, but that'd be letting the Terrorists win.


A man who knows his meat.....
Frank the butcher mangles his finger and is rushed to the emergency room. His wife calls, concerned.

"Did you lose the whole finger?"

"No, it was the one next to it."


I'm sure they're laughing on the inside...
Two Lions are eating a clown, and the one says to another, "Do you think this tastes funny?"


Christmas Bells (from Dave Barry, who swears this is the funniest punchline ever.....)
There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with some spray paint. Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors to get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks. "Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon," she answers. He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh." He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again. So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "uuuugggghhhh." He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them. So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together. At that moment the guys sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "Ding dong, dammit, ding dong!!"

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Last minute gift idears

Of course y'all remember the spongmonkeys...they were those weird little critters that did those Quiznos commercials. Now we can own a plush spongmonkey, or a viking kitten, or a ninja kitten.
These items are...rathergood.
:) LJS

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 15

I was shopping a few days ago for presents and I was blessed to be able to witness this particular spectacle at the jewelery counter in Nordstrom's:

Dude: I need to buy my wife some jewelery.
Sales Lady: What kind of jewelery were you looking to get for her, sir?
Dude: I don't know.
Sales Lady: A ring? A necklace? Do you think she might want a bracelet or some earrings?
Dude: Hell, I don't know.
Sales Lady: Well, what kind of jewelery does she normally wear?
Dude: She's got a lot of stuff. How much is that over there? (points at something in the display case which, unfortunately, I didn't get to see).
Sales Lady: That's $730.
Dude: I'll just get that.

Now, first of all I have to hand it to the sales lady for not just telling the guy to go shopping for a damn clue first before dropping that kind of cash on a present. I wanted to go make her a pie because I'm sure this wasn't the first guy to do that to her today.

So, my sexy readers, who can tell me what was wrong with this scene? The guy was buying jewelery for his wife, and he was buying jewelery for his wife at Nordstrom's, so from first glance he seems to be doing a pretty good job, right?

Today's lesson: E is for Effort

I am going to give all you men the best Christmas present you'll ever receive right now: The key to understanding women. You ready? Here it is: We love effort above everything else.

I'll give you a second to let that one settle in.

By now, you're probably realizing that there is definitely a nugget of truth to what I just told you. Think of all the times you made a total ass of yourself trying to impress a lady and how she just loved it. Think of all the times you just randomly bought something for a girl just for the sake of getting her a present and how polite she was about it. Now do you know what I'm talking about?

Women want to know that you are able to think about something other than yourself. That's why we love effort, and by the way, that's why getting an engagement ring is such a BFD, because it's the ultimate in effort.

So, please, even though jewelery (even Nordstrom's jewelery) is a nice idea for Christmas, make sure it'll be something she actually wants. I'd personally rather have something that says I know you and I know what you like like the first season of 'The Girls Next Door' or 'The Office' on DVD rather than one of those trendy diamond circle pendants that's unfortunately all the rage right now.

Also, for the love of everything good and holy, please wrap your presents and never, ever throw out any Christmas cards your lady gives you. Just trust me on that one.

Love,
Sea Hag

Overheard at Denny's

I went to Denny's the other night. The full column is written up on my laptop, awaiting transfer, but one line I just had to go ahead and share.

One of the servers was a rather, uh, well-cupped woman, if you know what I mean. About 3:30 one of the guys comes up to pay, openly admiring the rack. Without a hint of shame he says,

"Do big breasts run in your family?"

I await the expected shockwave, but the woman doesn't bat an eye. Without missing a beat she says right back to the man, "No, sugar. They usually jiggle."

Selah

More Jokes

The Safehouse where I'm staying has these old Maxim Magazines, which are new to me. I forgot how much I enjoy Maxim (in small doses).

Anyway, these jokes are stolen directly from there:


Jerry: You know those folk who like to have sex with animals?

Terry: Yup.

Jerry: You know what kind of animal they like best?

Terry: Nuh uh.

Jerry: Deer.

Terry: Well that figures. I guess they want to get more bang for their buck.



Jerry: Hey, can you name three soft gooey tasty foods that start with M?

Terry: Uh, Marhmellows....mallowmars and...mmmm.....pussy.



Did you year about the blonde who's boyfriend told her he loved her?

She believed him.

Disney had told him "Santa was considered a Disney character".

Mr Worley said he was told Santa was a Disney characterWhen James Worley paid a visit to Disney World in Florida his portly frame and white beard soon had kids asking: "Are you Santa Claus?"

Not wanting to disappoint, Mr Worley, 60, played along with some "ho-ho-hos".
But Disney officials descended, telling him to stop the impersonation or get out of the park. They said they wanted to preserve the magic of Santa.

Mr Worley took off his red hat and red shirt but said: "I look this way 24/7, 365 days a year. This is me."

'Confusing'

Even after bowing to the request to alter his appearance, Mr Worley, from Tampa, said children continued to ask if he was Santa.

"How do you tell a little kid, 'No, go away, little kid'," Mr Worley told local television.
He said Disney had told him "Santa was considered a Disney character".
Officials at Disney World's Epcot park said they had had complaints from "several guests who were very upset".

Disney said it had its own Santa at Epcot and Mr Worley was "confusing" the children.
Mr Worley said he had played a jolly elf at charity events for a number of years, while his wife sometimes dressed up as Mrs Claus.

Mr Worley said he still loved Disney and Christmas.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disney is stepping out of bounds! The guy looks like Santa, he can't help it. And if they think they own Santa...they have another thing coming!!! Santa is owned by believers - NOT Disney! Or one could argue the angel the Santa is a form of St. Nick who is a person and not owned by any one (except maybe the Church). ARGH EVIL DISNEY EMPIRE!!!!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Post Secret Pick of the Week- Week 8


Most times we never think about the long term repercussion of our actions.It doesn't stop them. They still find their way back to us 3 fold.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Golden Globe Nominations

I thought Hyperion would have posted these by now but apparently that line of bull about truck stops and cheap motels was actually the truth.

So here are this years Globies, I'm not making any picks because I haven't seen most of these movies/tv shows.

Please leave all or some of your picks in the comments.

64TH GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS NOMINATIONS

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
BABEL
Anonymous Content Production/Una Produccion De Zeta Film/Central Film Production; Paramount Pictures/Paramount Vantage
BOBBY
A Michel Litvak Production/Bold Films; MGM/The Weinstein Company
THE DEPARTED
Warner Bros. Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures
LITTLE CHILDREN
New Line Cinema; New Line Cinema
THE QUEEN
A Granada Production; Miramax Films

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
PENELOPE CRUZ — VOLVER
JUDI DENCH — NOTES ON A SCANDAL
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL — SHERRYBABY
HELEN MIRREN — THE QUEEN
KATE WINSLET — LITTLE CHILDREN

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
LEONARDO DICAPRIO — BLOOD DIAMOND
LEONARDO DICAPRIO — THE DEPARTED
PETER O'TOOLE — VENUS
WILL SMITH — THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
FOREST WHITAKER — THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
One America; Twentieth Century Fox
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Twentieth Century Fox; Twentieth Century Fox
DREAMGIRLS
DreamWorks Pictures/Paramount Pictures; DreamWorks Pictures/Paramount Pictures
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Big Beach/Bonafide Productions; Fox Searchlight Pictures
THANK YOU FOR SMOKING
Room 9 Entertainment/David O. Sacks Production/Content Film; Fox Searchlight Pictures

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
ANNETTE BENING — RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
TONI COLLETTE — LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
BEYONCE KNOWLES — DREAMGIRLS
MERYL STREEP — THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
RENEE ZELLWEGER — MISS POTTER

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
SACHA BARON COHEN — BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
JOHNNY DEPP — PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
AARON ECKHART — THANK YOU FOR SMOKING
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR — KINKY BOOTS
WILL FERRELL — STRANGER THAN FICTION

7. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
CARS
Walt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studio; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
HAPPY FEET
Kingdom Pictures, LLC; Warner Bros. Pictures/Village Roadshow Pictures
MONSTER HOUSE
Columbia Pictures; Sony Pictures Releasing

8. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
APOCALYPTO (USA)
Touchstone Pictures/Icon Productions; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA (USA/JAPAN)
Warner Bros. Pictures/DreamWorks Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures
THE LIVES OF OTHERS (GERMANY)
Wiedemann & Berg Productions; Sony Pictures Classics
PAN'S LABYRINTH (MEXICO)
Estudios Picasso/Tequila Gang/Esperanto; Picturehouse
VOLVER (SPAIN)
El Deseo; Sony Pictures Classics

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
ADRIANA BARRAZA — BABEL
CATE BLANCHETT — NOTES ON A SCANDAL
EMILY BLUNT — THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
JENNIFER HUDSON — DREAMGIRLS
RINKO KIKUCHI — BABEL

10. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
BEN AFFLECK — HOLLYWOODLAND
EDDIE MURPHY — DREAMGIRLS
JACK NICHOLSON — THE DEPARTED
BRAD PITT — BABEL
MARK WAHLBERG — THE DEPARTED

11. BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE
CLINT EASTWOOD — FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
CLINT EASTWOOD — LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
STEPHEN FREARS — THE QUEEN
ALEJANDRO GONZALEZ INARRITU — BABEL
MARTIN SCORSESE — THE DEPARTED

12. BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE
GUILLERMO ARRIAGA — BABEL
TODD FIELD & TOM PERROTTA — LITTLE CHILDREN
PATRICK MARBER — NOTES ON A SCANDAL
WILLIAM MONAHAN — THE DEPARTED
PETER MORGAN — THE QUEEN

13. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE
ALEXANDRE DESPLAT — THE PAINTED VEIL
CLINT MANSELL — THE FOUNTAIN
GUSTAVO SANTAOLALLA — BABEL
CARLO SILIOTTO — NOMAD
HANS ZIMMER — THE DA VINCI CODE

14. BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE
"A FATHER'S WAY" - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Music by: Seal and Christopher BruceLyrics by: Seal
"LISTEN" - DREAMGIRLS
Music & Lyrics by: Henry Krieger, Anne Preven, Scott Cutler and Beyonce Knowles
"NEVER GONNA BREAK MY FAITH" - BOBBY
Music & Lyrics by: Bryan Adams, Eliot Kennedy and Andrea Remanda
"THE SONG OF THE HEART" - HAPPY FEET
Music & Lyrics by: Prince Rogers Nelson
"TRY NOT TO REMEMBER" - HOME OF THE BRAVE
Music & Lyrics by: Sheryl Crow

15. BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
24
(FOX)Imagine Television and 20th Century Fox Television i.a.w. Real Time Prods.
BIG LOVE
(HBO)Anima Sola and Playtone Prods. i.a.w. HBO Entertainment
GREY'S ANATOMY
(ABC)Touchstone Television
HEROES
(NBC)NBC Universal Television Studios i.a.w. Tailwind Prods.
LOST
(ABC)Touchstone Television

16. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
PATRICIA ARQUETTE — MEDIUM
EDIE FALCO — THE SOPRANOS
EVANGELINE LILLY — LOST
ELLEN POMPEO — GREY'S ANATOMY
KYRA SEDGWICK — THE CLOSER

17. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
PATRICK DEMPSEY — GREY'S ANATOMY
MICHAEL C. HALL — DEXTER
HUGH LAURIE — HOUSE
BILL PAXTON — BIG LOVE
KIEFER SUTHERLAND — 24

18. BEST TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
(ABC)Touchstone Television
ENTOURAGE
(HBO)Leverage and Closest to the Hole Prods. i.a.w. HBO Entertainment
THE OFFICE
(NBC)Deedle Dee Prods. with Reveille i.a.w. NBC Universal Television Studio
UGLY BETTY
(ABC)Touchstone Television
WEEDS
(SHOWTIME)Showtime i.a.w. Lionsgate Television and Tilted Prods., Inc.

19. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES -COMEDY OR MUSICAL
MARCIA CROSS — DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
AMERICA FERRERA — UGLY BETTY
FELICITY HUFFMAN — DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS — THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE
MARY-LOUISE PARKER — WEEDS

20. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
ALEC BALDWIN — 30 ROCK
ZACH BRAFF — SCRUBS
STEVE CARELL — THE OFFICE
JASON LEE — MY NAME IS EARL
TONY SHALHOUB — MONK

21. BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
BLEAK HOUSE
(PBS)BBC and WGBH Boston Prod. i.a.w. Deep Indigo
BROKEN TRAIL
(AMC)Butchers Run Films and Once Upon a Time Films i.a.w. Sony Pictures Television
ELIZABETH I
(HBO)Company Pictures and Channel 4 i.a.w. HBO Films
MRS. HARRIS
(HBO)Killer Films, Number 9 Films and John Wells Prod. i.a.w. HBO Films
PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT
(PBS)Granada and WGBH-Boston Prod.

22. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
GILLIAN ANDERSON — BLEAK HOUSE
ANNETTE BENING — MRS. HARRIS
HELEN MIRREN — ELIZABETH I
HELEN MIRREN — PRIME SUSPECT: THE FINAL ACT
SOPHIE OKONEDO — TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH

23. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
ANDRE BRAUGHER — THIEF
ROBERT DUVALL — BROKEN TRAIL
MICHAEL EALY — SLEEPER CELL: AMERICAN TERROR
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR — TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH
BEN KINGSLEY — MRS. HARRIS
BILL NIGHY — GIDEON'S DAUGHTER
MATTHEW PERRY — THE RON CLARK STORY

24. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
EMILY BLUNT — GIDEON'S DAUGHTER
TONI COLLETTE — TSUNAMI, THE AFTERMATH
KATHERINE HEIGL — GREY'S ANATOMY
SARAH PAULSON — STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP
ELIZABETH PERKINS — WEEDS

25. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
THOMAS HADEN CHURCH — BROKEN TRAIL
JEREMY IRONS — ELIZABETH I
JUSTIN KIRK — WEEDS
MASI OKA — HEROES
JEREMY PIVEN — ENTOURAGE

Uh uh...Yeah. Yeah Yeah!


One of my personalities, Smoove LJS, has finally surfaced and she makes her debut simultaneously here on the Barn and in my Den. I tell ya, this lascivious lady is one hot-to-trot momma. She loves herself some Elvis too.

I hereby present to the Barn...Smoove Lady Jane Scarlett
*********************************************************************************
Ya know, back in The Day, Elvis was pretty hot. Meow! Smoove LJS has been unleashed, Lady Jane has been kinda boooooring lately-whining about this and yelling about that. Taking a cue from (most of) the titles from Elvis's 30 #1 hits, Smoove LJS has written a love letter to her (fictional) lover who has (for-pretend) left her. Because we all know that nobody (NOBODY) in their right mind would leave Smoove LJS.










My darling, are you lonesome tonight? If so, then surrender to my call. It's now or never, I can never hear your voice too much. Don't be cruel, my dear. Don't. Since I've met you, that one night, I've been your teddy bear. What else can I say? I'm stuck on you-your keychain is my favorite good luck charm. I still can't help falling in love with you, and I often think of the wonder of you. My heart and soul is on fire-for only you, I am a big hunk of love.
My friends have told me that you have moved on-they say "his latest flame (Marie's the name) is very sweet". And I am all shook up over the news my love because I know that she's not you. With one word you sent me to Heartbreak Hotel, and discarded me like an old hound dog. Deep, way down, I know that you are the devil in disguise but you reach my wooden heart like nobody else can. Come back to me, babe, and I will treat you right. Let Smoove LJS ease our suspicious minds, I will prepare you a feast of chicken wings and potato skins just how you like it. A fool such as I may be known as a hard headed woman, but I will acquiesce your every whim. I know that you love me tender, but my whole being desires your burning love, together we can do the jailhouse rock all night long.
Well, my darling, I guess that I should close this letter. I know that you always like a little less conversation-preferring to speak the language of love in kisses and caresses. Please don't write "return to sender" on this letter, I am waiting for you to knock on my door. I am a crazy fool-crazy in love for you.

Your Smoove LJS

Dead Blondes

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?


The Hide-and-Seek Champion of 2001

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Jokes picked up in truck stops

Sad to see Monkey Barn in such desultory conditions. Hope these jokes make the weekend a little better. I don't claim these are "good" jokes, but I heard them as I traveled across the country.

Joke #1:
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. At the end of his first day on the job his boss fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?""One," said the young salesman."Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?""100,000 dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"


Joke #2
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP


(this is the one I've been telling, and every time I tell it I get groans and boos, but I tell the person, "You'll use this within a day," and they admit I'm right)
Joke #3
How did Humpty Dumpty make up for his rotten summer?

He had a great fall


I'll try to post at least once a day on here until Chrismtas. I challenge the other men to post at least once. (Buch of wusses is what they is.)

Hyperion

Friday, December 15, 2006

Blue Dog


While walking in the Christmas lit gardens in Louisiana, I saw a student rendition of George Rodrigue' Blue Dog. Gives me a warm glow.

True story of the day...

A coworker's 8 yr old son asked her if Santa was real. She said no and explained the reality of it but, his little voice wavered and happily she said I’m just kidding to him. He said “I knew he was real.” And he was very happy.

Well another coworker went on to say that Santa isn't real and that he should be allowed to know the real world now because it is a sick harsh world. She said what if a dirty old man dressed as Santa put him "there"

Uh…here is what I’m thinking: 1) why would you have your kid by strangers like that w/out you or another adult? And 2) I grew up in the 80s and was raised that you tell kids about strangers and the dangers, even Santa.

She went on to say how Santa doesn't exist and was made up (WRONG - based on a real man - the Catholic Church sainted him - http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=23)
Not only did she deny Santa Clause but also said that Christmas was all about money and gifts and a made up holiday because it wasn't even Christ’s real birthday.

Okay…1) do we know what the “exact” date is? And 2) yes I do remember hearing that it was thought Christ’s real birth date was in the spring (March). However how do we fit the life of Christ into a year if his death and birth fall with in the same month’s time? Also, didn’t Catholics make up their calendar year to coincide with the Pagan on and make conversion easier?

I said she was entitled to live in her jaded work and me in mine. She said it wasn't that, that she was entitled to her opinion. Obviously not a brain trust here and metaphors are merely lost on her. So, I said yes that is what I’m saying, you’re entitled to your jaded opinion and me to mine, even as delusional as it might seem to you.

Now as for the coworker who’s child it was, I emailed her the sites on “who is St. Nicholas” http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=38 and “The Origin of Santa Claus” http://www.stnicholascenter.org/Brix?pageID=35. She was happy to receive them and to have more information to tell her son later who had only asked her this question in the car this morning. I was also relieved that she agreed with me – let them believe as long as you can.

I ask you Barners:
* Do we need to celebrate such beauty and splendor on the exact date?
* Isn’t it enough that people can still believe and be nice to each other?
* Aren’t each of us a Santa every time we do something nice this season, like giving to ‘Toys for Tots’? Or even holding a door open for some one whose arms are full of packages?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

What's your sexual style?

My score on The'>http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=13030039429336430561">The What's your sexual style? Test:

TYPE P
(You scored 83 imagination, 75 confidence, 66 dominance, and 79 generosity!)



You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give.
This means that:
You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.
You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.
You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it!
You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do!
WE SUGGEST YOU:get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Rest In Peace Peter Boyle

NEW YORK - Peter Boyle, the tall, prematurely bald actor who was the tap-dancing monster in “Young Frankenstein” and the curmudgeonly father in the long-running sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond,” has died. He was 71.

Boyle died Tuesday evening at New York Presbyterian Hospital. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease, said his publicist, Jennifer Plante.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16187735/?GT1=8816


Horse Rescuers


This is an amazing video of over a hundred horses being rescued after a nasty rain storm.











xo,
Dragon

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Get to know me

I got another one of these "get to know your friends" emails - and honestly I think I've gotten this one a dozen times but not from this person so I responded to her but instead of forwarding to my email friends again, I thought I'd share with my Barn friends!

1. FIRST NAME? which one? for y'all just call me Domie
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Not that I know of
3. When did you last cry? last week
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? depends on my mood
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? depends on my mood and the day
6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? a 6 yr old toy poodle (He'll be 7 Jan 5th - he's asked for a "brother")
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? heck yeah
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? yup
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Oh of course not ;-)
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? nope
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Likely not, you'd have to catch me in a crazy mood before my better judgment and fear of gravity kicked in - although if I ever (when) marry I have to parasail or some such w/ LJS
12. ARE YOU A NORMALLY HAPPY PERSON? normal - heck no / happy - oh yeah
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? typically no - but my hiking boots yes (have to in order to get them off)
14. HOW STRONG ARE YOU? Very.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Rocky road / mint chocolate chip
16. SHOE SIZE? 10
17. RED OR PINK? Dash it all - Green!
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Hmmm...I'm pretty darn wonderful...even my flaws are quirky and cute and charming...I suppose my pony keg but I'm beginning to accept it and working on fixing it (ok I plan on working on fixing it - it's finals week and the holidays coming up - so right now I'm relying on accepting it and sweaters)
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Hmmm I'd say "the man" but that's just a physical geographic miss - I'd say my Dad cause he's dead but that just means he's always with me -- I'll stick with "the man"
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? well any one who wants to fill this in too so we can get to know more Barners, that would be grand :-)
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Pants - none, in a skirt (unless pants is code for panties and that is just TMI to share) -- black shoes
22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? bacon, egg and cheese bagel from the cafe by work - very yummy!
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? people talking on speaking phone (hello - use the dang hand set)
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Amethyst
25. FAVORITE SMELLS: fresh bake goods - clean laundry - "the man" - lavender - roses - Tresor 26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? Me Sister - always fun to share a caffeine high with her and make her smile
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? they're alive and human like - followed by gender (if it can be determined by sight that is)
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I plead the 5th at this time
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Lakeridge Southern Whtie / Sweet tea / Starbucks (mauh ha ha ha ha) 30. FAVORITE SPORT? to participate in, uh, shopping? spectator: FOOTBALL and swamp buggy racing
31. HAIR COLOR? I came into this world a redhead and I'll be going out if the same!
32. EYE COLOR? my driver's license and I say brown - others hazel
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? not now but I've thought of getting them again - but that whole pinching my eye ball thing - well that just hurts and is beauty worth that much pain? plus, glasses are almost a trade mark for me now, so why bother, eh?
34. FAVORITE FOOD? Strawberry pretzel Jell-O (and I best be getting some for Christmas cause we had none at Thanksgiving and that would've be sad except for I was stuck in the kitchen helping for 8 hours - next year we go to Ho JO's!)
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? happy endings!
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Sahara (it's been the constant white noise for me while drawing since the 9th or 10th - if you'd like to see my renderings from class - they're posted over at my personal blog)
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? not wearing a shirt, wearing a cardigan
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Autumn - love the fall colors and slight nip in the air and the scent of the season - it's just grand!
39. HUGS OR KISSES? depends on from whom - "the man" - both and keep them coming and add some more! - family and friends, I'll go for both (hold the tongue though) - a stranger, hugs (never turn down a hug)


Monday, December 11, 2006

Which positive quality are you?

Which Positive Quality Are You?
Your Result: Love

You are Love. Love is the glue that binds us all together. The love of family, the love of friends, the love between husbands and their wives--these things form the foundation of our happiness, our security, and our comfort. "All you need is love."

Charity
Friendship
Faith
Peace
Courage
Which Positive Quality Are You?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ah, Billings.....

Somewhere in South Dakota.....

I'm in a hotel. There's a blizzard, and I haven't slept in three days, and someone is literally standing over my shoulder reading this as I type because she wants to use the computer (she says to tell you her name is Jane and she has to get up really early tomorrow so I should move my ass), so I can't tell you all my adventures, but I HAD to share one.

Last night, somwhere around Billings, Montana, we stopped for gas at this place:




I bought a lighter because I didn't think anyone would believe me that it's a real place. Anyway, more soon. (I'll try to get up in the morning and come post some more, but you know me and mornings, so don't hold your breath. However, I have reasonable expectations that there will be a safe house on Friday where I can post, so head back this weekend for more info on what's going on, and of course, the home page has a kind of update now. See you then.

Disney - tired of remakes - will they now do remixes?

At First

I could not for the life of me figure out why this one was listed under ethnic jokes;

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee." He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

Now I know, jealous much?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Forget Xbox 360 - Wii & PS3 - Take a look at this game system - no batteries required!

Not that I'd recommend doing this but...

Sometimes I run across little gems when I read the science literature. But I wonder if being stoned is a good alternative to being demented?

Nerdfully yours, :) LJS

A Molecular Link between the Active Component of Marijuana and Alzheimer's Disease Pathology

Lisa M. Eubanks, Claude J. Rogers, Albert E. Beuscher IV, George F. Koob, Arthur J. Olson, Tobin J. Dickerson, and Kim D. Janda*

Departments of Chemistry, Immunology, and Molecular Biology, Molecular and Integrated Neurosciences Department, The Skaggs Institute for Chemical Biology, and Worm Institute for Research and Medicine, The Scripps Research Institute, 10550 North Torrey Pines Road, La Jolla, California 92037

Received June 11, 2006

Abstract:

Alzheimer's disease is the leading cause of dementia among the elderly, and with the ever-increasing size of this population, cases of Alzheimer's disease are expected to triple over the next 50 years. Consequently, the development of treatments that slow or halt the disease progression have become imperative to both improve the quality of life for patients and reduce the health care costs attributable to Alzheimer's disease. Here, we demonstrate that the active component of marijuana, 9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), competitively inhibits the enzyme acetylcholinesterase (AChE) as well as prevents AChE-induced amyloid -peptide (A) aggregation, the key pathological marker of Alzheimer's disease. Computational modeling of the THC-AChE interaction revealed that THC binds in the peripheral anionic site of AChE, the critical region involved in amyloidgenesis. Compared to currently approved drugs prescribed for the treatment of Alzheimer's disease, THC is a considerably superior inhibitor of A aggregation, and this study provides a previously unrecognized molecular mechanism through which cannabinoid molecules may directly impact the progression of this debilitating disease.

Keywords: Cannabinoids; Alzheimer's disease; acetylcholinesterase

Mol. Pharm., 3 (6), 773 -777, 2006.

Monday, December 04, 2006

What Cute Animal Are You?

You Are A: Bear Cub!

bear cubBears are strong and independent creatures who roam in the forest in search of food. Bears are usually gentle, but anger one and be prepared for their full fury! You won't back down from a fight, you have a bit of a temper -- classic attributes of a bear. Intelligent and resourceful, though lazy at times, you are a fascinating creature of the wild.


http://www.cuteducky.com/cute_animal_quiz.html

Post Secret Pick of the Week- Week 7






I needed to hear this so many times. I am glad someone final said it.

Back off Ladies, he's mine!

Photo from Introspectre
Who wouldn't want a man with this tatoo on his belly. I'm not sure what's sexier, the tatoo or the tag on his jeans. Sheesh! What an idiot. Its almost enough to make me switch teams.

xo,
Dragon

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 14

For your reading pleasure, Monkey Barn is now proud to once again present Ask-a-Hag, in which confused readers (who are possible high on airplane glue) query the delectable Sea Hag and ask for her sage-like advise in the categories of love and lust. Mostly lust.

Today's Lesson: Waiting by the phone

Dear Sea Hag,

I went out on a date with a guy a few weeks ago, and it went really well. I had a great time and I think he did too. He said he'd call me the next day, but I haven't heard back from him since then! I tried calling him twice but he didn't return my call. Why won't guys ever call when they say they will? Why did he say he'd call when obviously he knew he wasn't going to?

Waiting by the phone

Dear Waiting,

First of all...Never. Wait. By. The. Phone. EVER. Also, I'm going to assume you really did just call a few times and didn't get all 'Fatal Attraction' on him.

If I really knew why guys (and some girls) don't call when they say they will I'd be the lord of all creation, and all would obey me or fear my terrible wrath. Unfortunately, I'm not the supreme ruler of the world (yet) and I don't know the answer to this question. I don't think anyone does for sure, honestly. I have a few guesses, though, and it all boils down to one thing: he didn't want to.

Yes, you could sit there and really rationalize this and come up with some good excuses (he was just being polite, he got sick, he was abducted by aliens, he was just looking for a piece of ass, blah blah) but really, it's all just different shades of he didn't care. We live in an age of instant access, so even if he was swamped with work or sick or whatever, it would have taken about 12 seconds for him to call you up and simply say 'Hey, I'm really busy with work so I won't be able to call you for a while, but when I get through this I will." If I know anything, it's that when a guy wants something he'll go out of his way to obtain it. So, sucks to be you.

Love,
Sea Hag

Friday, December 01, 2006

Blonde, James Blonde

Who ever said that James Bond *should* be a black-haired philandering pansy should be strapped to an ass-less chair, naked, and forced to watch "Casino Royale" at least 10 straight times.


The Barn has been without real men for a very long time, and I think that I can safely say that the Barn Ladies need a man! I think that James Bond is *up* to the task, don't you? As a Christmas holiday present to ourselves, I suggest that us ladies debate the finer points (aka the smoking hotness) of James Bond. Since it's my idea, I get to start with the New Bond on the Block, Daniel Craig.
The dude is smouldering as James Bond. Smouldering I tell ya! He plays Bond straight: no winking at the camera, no silly "you are a cunning linguist" pillow talk, no insanely impossible gadgets. Just Bond. The guy gets beat up, poisoned, tortured, and and tossed out of a moving truck. I think that the best part is that we were allowed to see James all torn up, but he still looked hot. Plus he was allowed to be tough and to be a bad ass, which is always a bonus in my book.
This Bond get a 10-star "meow" from Lady Jane Scarlett.


I think that Schro is agreeing with me, and also "meowing" in appreciation.
:) LJS

Tale of Two Men

Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.

You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gunfire.

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him!

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,Jesus Christ and the American G. I.One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

God bless all the troops! (especially the USN)