Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Superhero?


I've been getting a lot of grief for not posting lately. I looked and noticed Domie hasn't been posting either. So I did a little snooping and found out that Domie decided to go to Superhero school and won't be posting until she's a new person (or a new superperson). She's been having quite the adventures battling evildoers, escaping death and hideous fashion on more than one occasion (I hear she might have even been hanging with Fagin Dupree). Best wishes for a speedy recovery and hurry back soon. We have crime here too and need help fighting the evil Bear!!!

Domie

Hi all,
I would like to request some serious e-lovin for Dominique. She's had a rough go of it this past week, so please remember her in your prayers/thoughts/vibe sending/meditations etc. And I'm sure that some thoughtful and fun Barn stuff would cheer her up!
Thank you!
AHOY! :) LJS

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Lady Jane's pithy quote of the week

"M'am, I'm here to check your house for parasites ... apparently, you have hippies. " Cartman

And, lest I forget my neato-bosso website link...because I know how much y'all miss the badness of Terry Tate.



:) LJS

Friday, January 26, 2007

The Meaning of Math

Yoga Booty Ballet

Down below Dragon has a post called "Operation Make Hypey Happy." (If you can't remember it, click on the link. DO IT!)

Basically, she asks that people send me things as I have been more or less stuck in my motel room. Dragon suggests beef jerky, ALWAYS 'preciated, and then goes on to ask people to send me pictures of naked or nearly-naked women. She suggests (if you're not into sending me pictures of YOU), that you cut out women in newspaper lingerie ads, or magazines such as Cosmo, Maxim, Playboy (I know for a fact that Lady Jane has a subscription), National Geographic or even Martha Stewart Living. (If nothing else, send me pictures of the food she makes so I can think about food while starving.) Anything but Men's Health, which only Koz reads, for reasons I'll let you figure out.

I know your inclination was to roll your eyes when you read that, but friends, I'm here to tell you it's serious, much more than you realize.

For reasons I'm not entirely sure of, my libido has been off the charts wacky. I know what you're thinking: Hypey being Hypey, but this goes way beyond even my prodigious appetites. I have found myself thinking about sex waaaaaay too much, to the point of distraction.

Women who used to be just average now knock me out of the park, like Courtney Cox. I have always been indifferent to her looks, but I watch FX's Dirt religiously because of her. That's not right.

It's to the point where I even read a female erotica book by an author named Zane. Here is the book.






Here is the Amazon link, so you will know I am not making this up.

People, without going into details, can I just profoundly say that this book was not written for me? Yet I found myself reading it anyway. I told the person who lent it to me that I read it to see how Zane writes erotica, since I have done a fair bit of that myself, but that's not the entire truth.

The Truth is, I need help.

Never has this been more abundantly been made clear to me than with Yoga Booty Ballet.

I have always had a soft spot for infomercials, maybe because I'm late at night and at various times in life have been looking for something to cheer me up.

"If I only had X or Y, I'd be happy!"

This brings us to Yoga Booty Ballet, a set of exercise videos for women.

Before we go any further, I need to prove to you I am not making this up. Please go to the infomercial website and confirm I am telling the truth:


Notice how the "O-G" in Yoga and the "O-O" in Booty are interlinked? That's because it's supposed to remind you of a wonderful posterior.

I cannot tell you how profoundly ashamed I am that I have watched this infomercial.

Several times.

I mean, don't get me wrong: watching a bunch of hot women in tight pants and sports bras gyrate around is nothing to be ashamed of. I used to dream I'd end up with a ballet dancer (for the calves), and I like dancing. And for some reason, I find it ridiculously sexy when they show those Before/After pictures of women who use the program. Don't ask me why.

My moral objection is how much I hate the word "Booty." It's one of those words that just makes me shudder, like fingers on the blackboard. The only time "booty" should EVER be used is by pirates. (And in that case I don't care whether they are talking about stolen treasure or stolen daughters: they are pirates after all.)

In the infomercial the announcer dude continually uses the word "booty" as if that were the "in" term. All of the women--the vast majority white and over 40--use the term too, clearly having been told to do so.

Never have I seen such an appalling attempt to be urban and cool than by co-opting a black word in such a white way. Even Elvis would disapprove.

[This subject actually fascinated me enough to write about other words I hate. Check it out over on The Soap Box.]

Anyway, I appeal to you for help. It pains me to watch Yoga Booty Ballet (which so easily could and should have been called Yoga Body Ballet, which would include the Abs, and have been more comprehensive and less crassly opportunistic), hearing the word "booty" at least 500 times. Yet I seem to have no will power.

So cut Hypey a break, huh?

Hillary Clinton

Since this may be the only time I'm on for days or weeks, I've been trying to catch up with some previous Monkey Barn postings. Good job to you who have kept it going.

Tiff has one post (which you can read here) where she breaks down a political joke and explains why it is not funny, because it is not true.

Tiff, it's only funny because it's not true! If it were true, it wouldn't be funny, but downright scary. More to the point, looking for facts in political jokes is like looking for facts in political commercials: they are completely irrelevant to the thrust of the piece.

Anyway, bringing up when Hillary Clinton was born recalls one of Hillary's most famous lies. It was the kind of lie that her husband was famous for: given for no other reason than to look good right that moment. Everyone has told lies like these, and I'm not saying you can judge the woman solely based on lying about her name, but it is very funny (because it's true!) and somewhat indicative of the culture she comes from, the culture of politics, where you say whatever you want at that moment.

Basically, about 12 years ago Hillary Clinton ran into Sir Edmund Hillary, famous for reaching the top of Mt. Everest first (along with Tenzing Norgay). Later, Hillary told reporters she'd been named after Sir Edmund Hillary, even though Hillary didn't achieve his monumental fame until Hillary Clinton would have been six.

Now, it is conceivably possible the story is true, and it's also possible that Hillary's mother lied to her daughter, but I think we all know the most likely probability: the woman lied.

For more on this, please check out the great Snopes article (and source material, if you're still not convinced), which you can read here.

And remember this, because I guarandamntee you it will come up next year at some point during the campaign.

One more from Koz (for good measure)

Monkey Barn Men suck (literally)

Most of you know my circumstances and that I have not been on the computer at all lately. Because of this, I have been hesitant to kick some ass for the Monkey Barn freeloaders who aren't pulling their weight. This will soon change. Just because I'm no longer in Canada doesn't mean I can't get one of my hos to come beat you with a shovel, Ajax.

Perhaps the worst offenders are Bear and Koz, which is sad, considering they are my best friends. Bear at least has an excuse with all the sex he's having lately, but Koz is married, so I know that can't be it.

Actually, Koz says he can't post from his new job. Fair enough (like somehow Ebola will escape from the CDC if Koz leaves a Monkey Barn post), but what about at home? He's there every night, and between all the sex he's not having you'd think Koz could post at least a few times.

What makes it even more galling is that Koz sends me all these funny forwards. Dozens of them, some of them very appropriate for the Monkey Barn Madness. I implore him to post on here, but so far no luck.

Help me out and leave nasty comments for Koz (and if so desired, for Ajax and Bear) in the comments. I would call them pussies, but as you know, I feel very strongly that "pussy" should not be a put down, but a tremendous compliment. (I personally can think of nothing better). So, call them something really insulting like Full House fans or Nazis, and let's see if we can get these bums posting.

to entice you, I will copy one of Koz's email forwards here:


"True Friendship" (With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!) Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of our friendship.

1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.


2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask? Because you are my friend .

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. Send this to "all 10" of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of four!!! (don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!) And remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!! !

by the way, Koz left that ending in because he knows I hate "FORWARD" commands. Bastard.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

roaming the world wide web

I was wandering around Spiffy Town - it's a lovely place if you've not visited, well, why not? you should! (http://spiffytown.blogspot.com/) Any way, this is just one of the things which caught my attention. Now back to my world wide constitutional...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Because Hypie would want this posted...

79TH OSCAR AWARDS
NOMINATIONS BY CATEGORY

Performance by an actor in a leading role:
Leonardo DiCaprio - BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling - HALF NELSON
Peter O'Toole - VENUS
Will Smith - THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Forest Whitaker - THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Performance by an actor in a supporting role:
Alan Arkin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jackie Earle Haley - LITTLE CHILDREN
Djimon Hounsou - BLOOD DIAMOND
Eddie Murphy - DREAMGIRLS Mark Wahlberg - THE DEPARTED

Performance by an actress in a leading role:
Penélope Cruz - VOLVER
Judi Dench - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Helen Mirren - THE QUEEN
Meryl Streep - THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Kate Winslet - LITTLE CHILDREN

Performance by an actress in a supporting role:
Adriana Barraza - BABEL
Cate Blanchett - NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Abigail Breslin - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Jennifer Hudson - DREAMGIRLS
Rinko Kikuchi - BABEL

Best animated feature film of the year:
CARS
HAPPY FEET
MONSTER HOUSE

Achievement in art direction:
DREAMGIRLS
THE GOOD SHEPHERD
PAN'S LABYRINTH
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHESTTHE
PRESTIGE

Achievement in cinematography:
THE BLACK DAHLIA
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE ILLUSIONIST
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE PRESTIGE

Achievement in costume design:
CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE
THE QUEEN

Achievement in directing:
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN
UNITED 93

Best documentary feature:
DELIVER US FROM EVIL
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
JESUS CAMPMY
COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY

Best documentary short subject:
THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT
RECYCLED LIFE
REHEARSING A DREAM
TWO HANDS

Achievement in film editing:
BABEL
BLOOD DIAMOND
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
UNITED 93

Best foreign language film of the year:
AFTER THE WEDDING
DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGÈNES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS
PAN'S LABYRINTH
WATER

Achievement in makeup:

APOCALYPTO
CLICK
PAN'S LABYRINTH

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score):
BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
PAN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song):
"I Need to Wake Up" - AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
"Listen" - DREAMGIRLS
"Love You I Do" - DREAMGIRLS
"Our Town" - CARS
"Patience" - DREAMGIRLS

Best motion picture of the year:
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
THE QUEEN

Best animated short film:
THE DANISH POET
LIFTED
THE LITTLE MATCHGIRL
MAESTRONO TIME FOR NUTS

Best live action short film:
BINTA AND THE GREAT IDEA (BINTA Y LA GRAN IDEA)
ÉRAMOS POCOS (ONE TOO MANY)
HELMER & SON
THE SAVIOURWEST BANK STORY

Achievement in sound editing:
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

Achievement in sound mixing:
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
DREAMGIRLS
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST

Achievement in visual effects:
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST
POSEIDON
SUPERMAN RETURNS

Adapted screenplay:
BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL

Original screenplay:
BABEL
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE P
AN'S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

http://www.oscar.com/nominees/?pn=list

Monday, January 22, 2007

So true.

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 16

Hello you sexy beasts! I hope everyone out there had a fabulous New Years, mine was so rad that I am just now recovering from it. Seriously.

Anyway, I hope everyone made a New Year's resolution to blindly follow Sea Hag's advise this year, and to just say no to skinny jeans because no one looks good in them. For realz. So let's start off this year by answering yet another desperate plea with Ask Sea Hag:

Today's lesson: Managing a man-valanche

Sea Hag,
I started dating this guy a few months ago it's not serious or anything we just hang out. Then I met this other guy at a party and we have been hanging out for the last few weeks so do I tell the first guy that I'm seeing someone else now? Do I tell the other guy that I'm dating someone else?

Tina

Dear Run-On Sentence Girl,
So, let me get this straight...at one point you only had one man in your life? Shame on you! Have I not taught you people anything? Well, I'll just ignore that (along with your obvious disdain for commas) and tell you this: you don't have to tell them anything.

I know I'm going to get some crap for that, but hear me out. First of all, I am not aware of any law stating that you must divulge any and all of your personal baggage to every guy who buys you a drink. Now, if you get into a committed relationship with someone then yes, it's probably a good idea to tell him about your four ex-husbands and your ties with the Mafia. But for the purposes of 'just hanging out' I'd say that you aren't obliged to say anything, just remember to be smart and play safe.

And now here's where everyone says well how would you like it if one of the guys you were dating was also seeing someone else and you didn't know about it? Well, it would suck as I'm kinda territorial, and if they had energy for another girl then I'm obviously doing something wrong, but that's just how dating works. Put on your big-girl panties and deal. If it bothered me that a dude was seeing other chicas then that might indicate that I'm ready for something more serious, and that's what I should pursue instead of randomly dating around.

In the end, you determine your own morals. If you feel that it's 'wrong' to not tell either one, then tell them (and be casual about it, never do a 'we need to talk' scene), but be ready for the possibility that one or both of them may stop seeing you. If it doesn't bother you then play on, player.

Love,

Sunday, January 21, 2007

The Plucky Duck

Duck survives two days in fridge


The duck's slow metabolism is thought to have helped it survive
Lucky duck A duck in the US state of Florida has survived gunshot wounds and a two-day stint in a refrigerator.
A hunter shot the duck, wounding it in the wing and leg. Believing the bird was dead, he left it in his fridge at his home in Tallahassee.
The hunter's wife got a fright when she opened the fridge and the duck lifted its head, a local veterinarian said.
Staff at the Goose Creek Animal Sanctuary who are treating the bird said it has a 75% chance of survival.
The plucky duck was taken first to a local animal hospital, and then to an animal sanctuary for more specialised treatment.
A veterinarian at the sanctuary said he thinks the duck will live, but will probably never be well enough to be released into the wild.
The veterinarian, David Hale, said the duck's low metabolism rate helped it survive its time in the refrigerator, the Tallahassee Democrat newspaper reported.
"This is an extremely tough duck with a lot of spirit to live," he said. "This shows how tough and adaptable wildlife are."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6283677.stm

Friday, January 19, 2007

Greetings from the Other Side

(Dragon posted much of Hyperion asked me to post. Forgive any redundancy.)

I talked with Hyperion last night and came away with a message to relay.

'Post a message when you get a chance. Tell everyone I love and miss them. All but one. (laughs) All but one. Say I can't get to the internet just yet.'

I hope I carried out my duty as best as possible.

Have a good weekend.

Operation Name: Make Hypey Happy

Hi Y'all,

I was speaking to Hyperion last night. He is alive but he's spending most of his days in bed and in pain. Poor guy hasn't even been near a computer in weeks. I asked him what I could do to make him feel better and this was the gist of our conversation

Hypey: "Send me naked pictures."

Dragon: "Um, I don't think so."

Hypey: "Ok, they don't have to be of you and they don't have to be completely naked."

Dragon: "So, pictures from Victoria Secret catalogues would work?"

Hypey: "Yeah, yeah. Cosmo, Victoria Secret, Maxim, National Geographic but NOT Men's Health. Only Koz buys that stupid magazine."

Dragon: "Should I put the word out to my fellow monkeys?"

Hypey: "Yeah, yeah! I miss those morons. (sniff sniff)"

Dragon: "Ahhh, I'm sure they miss you too. Is there anything else they can send you that would make you happy?"

Hypey: "If they're a bunch of haters and don't want to send me pics, they can always send me money or beef jerky."

Dragon: "Where should they send it?"

Hypey: Send it to: Hyperion the Conqueror
The Colony Inn
4300 Victory Dr. Room 69 (that's not a typo)
Columbus, Georgia
31903


So there you have it folks. Operation "Make Hypey Happy" has started. Make me proud my monkey troops!

xo,
Dragon

Monday, January 15, 2007

School tells youth to drop sword


Patrick Agin has begun learning the art of making chainmail A 17-year-old US student who enjoys re-enacting medieval battles has been banned from wielding his favourite sword in his graduation yearbook. Portsmouth High School in the US state of Rhode Island has asked Patrick Agin to submit a new photo after he first posed in full chainmail and armour.

The school rejected the photo, saying it contravened a strict zero-tolerance policy on weapons.

In response, the Agin family is suing the school for restricting free speech.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6260235.stm

Thursday, January 11, 2007

How Logical Are You?




You Are Incredibly Logical



Move over Spock - you're the new master of logic

You think rationally, clearly, and quickly.

A seasoned problem solver, your mind is like a computer!

Because I'm not paranoid enough...

U.S. warns about Canadian spy coins
By TED BRIDIS, Associated Press WriterThu Jan 11, 4:16 AM ET

Money talks, but can it also follow your movements?
In a U.S. government warning high on the creepiness scale, the Defense Department cautioned its American contractors over what it described as a new espionage threat: Canadian coins with tiny radio frequency transmitters hidden inside.
The government said the mysterious coins were found planted on U.S. contractors with classified security clearances on at least three separate occasions between October 2005 and January 2006 as the contractors traveled through Canada.
Intelligence and technology experts said such transmitters, if they exist, could be used to surreptitiously track the movements of people carrying the spy coins.
The U.S. report doesn't suggest who might be tracking American defense contractors or why. It also doesn't describe how the Pentagon discovered the ruse, how the transmitters might function or even which Canadian currency contained them.
Further details were secret, according to the U.S. Defense Security Service, which issued the warning to the Pentagon's classified contractors. The government insists the incidents happened, and the risk was genuine.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070111/ap_on_hi_te/spy_coins

query: assuming this is true...how do "they" know the coins stay with the same person? what if the coin is put into a vending machine? doesn't most unexchanged Canadian change which winds up here just get spent in a machine or tricked onto some checkout person at the store? Or give to the kids or put in a box? although people often don't care about change and it could linger - if this is true - are "they" brilliant or just off the mark?

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Nerd Heaven

Y'all know I have nerd crushes on politicos and Supreme Court judges, so I just had to share this because I'm in nerd crush heaven! iTUNES just started the podcast of "Meet the Press" and now I can get my weekly fix of Tim Russert (because...LJS does not get cable on her flagship pirate vessel). MEOW!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Poet's Corner

Hey, I was reading over some old blogs and I came across a poem. What I want to do is discuss this poem here with you. I have my own opinion but I would like yours because I respect it. Tell me what you think. I'll leave mine in the comments after someone cares enough to engage me in this conversation. Oh and if you are one of the people special enough to know where it came from please keep it to yourself until we are done. Thank You


Happy Mother's Day, Mother

Come little children, I have something for you I tore it from my flesh

In this flesh lies a disease that will rot the mind, and when your mind is gone, I will take your soul and give it to my Mother

Happy Mother's Day,
Mother

I have brought something for you, I will give it to you on Mother's day

On mother's day when I give her your soul , your mother's heart will break and kill your mother

Now I have made my mother the best in the world for there are no others ,

Happy
Mother's Day ,
Mother


~lOst (please feed my brain) GoDdess

Post Secret Pick of the Week- Week 11


Okay, so I know you people don't really care but it keeps the barn from looking to bleak. Plus I personally enjoy this. Here you go. My post secret pick for Week 11.

Monday, January 08, 2007

xkcd

Because I know how much Hyperion will appreciate this,
























And because I'd totally bang her.


New Year, New Motto

Yes, Hyperion is alive and well but still without internet access. So, he asked me to change the monkey image and the motto.

50 cool point for anyone who can guess the motto reference!

xo,
Dragon

Friday, January 05, 2007

Post Secret Pick of the Week- Week 10

Post secret Is at it again. So many people all in the same place, never the same secret. I can't even begin to look for a top pick so just get your mother truckin ass on over there!


http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

BECAUSE I SAID SO!

gOdDEss OuT

My Title - get one

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Grace Lady Michelle the Nefarious of Giggleswick on the Naze
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Tuesday, January 02, 2007