Friday, June 29, 2007
A little Quiz to go with today's Daily T's:
Which of the following best describes your reaction to the above T-Shirt?
A) You've never seen it before or have any idea what it means
B) You know what it means, having lived through the era, but did not then nor do you now have any interest
C) You always wanted a shirt like that back then and were jealous of the kids who did
D) You still would like that shirt and are looking it up on E-Bay right now
E) You're wearing that shirt right now
F) That shirt is on your floor right now, as the person who was wearing it just took it off to climb into bed with you, and in truth the number one reason you are sleeping with them is because they were wearing the shirt
G) You are that shirt
I've been in California, because (and I bet you never would have guessed this), I met some people who are huge Coheed and Cambria fans, and we have decided to tour with them up through Cali into the Northwest up into Canada, where I will leave the tour to visit friends.
I don't actually know anything about the group, except I think they are some sort of speed metal thing, but the girls I met who are following them? Hot, slutty, and low self-esteem, or as I like to call it, the Holy Trilogy.
Anyscoots, this one girl Brandene and I have been hanging out a lot. (This led to 345 jokes about her brother "Cletus," but luckily she's a Simpson fan, so I've still been able to take dips in her river, if you know what I mean.)
Brandene used to be, uh, much larger than she is now, and perhaps that gave her sympathy for a movie like PIZZA. She made me watch it last night, and it is sooooooo funny! It's an indie and may be hard to find at Blockbuster, but you can at least ask. Here's the trailer:
More from the road as soon as I have more to tell. Email me at email@example.com if you have any knowledge about C&C that I can use to get laid!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Songs that had something to do with Monkeys and/or Barns
I decided that since both categories are so different, we'll actually have TWO theme songs. I'm going to summarize both categories here and give you a few more days to make suggestions, and then next week we'll have the voting.
Songs about Monkeys/Barns
- I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
- Hey Hey We're the Monkees
- The Lion Sleeps Tonight
- Wizard of Oz Flying Monkey Song
- This House is a Circus - Arctic Monkeys
- Old McDonald Had a Farm
- I Touch Myself
- Short People Have No Reason to Live
- A-Team Theme
- Moses (from Singing in the Rain)
- Limp Bizkit
- A Song For You (Donovan)
Please leave any other ideas in the Comments
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
If I were a smart gal, I'd say that my hiatuses (is the plural form hiatuses
or hiatae?) are meant to make y'all crave me that much more. But,I've been
running for President lately. In all my journeys I've been
missing the Barn tremendously. Here's a wee joke for y'all.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before
she took a tissue , wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?.
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for
The woman nodded yes, " Black Pepper."
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Monday, June 25, 2007
As I was looking for ideas I came upon this T-shirt, which was so very very wrong and of course I laughed myself almost sick.
What made it even funnier was imagining Paula Deen saying it. (If you know her at all you just snorted your coffee.)
If you have ideas for The Daily T's make sure you send them to me and I will credit your selection when I use you.
ALL HAIL THE DAILY T's!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I haven't been posting much, but I have been telling everyone I know about Monkey Barn, so that's something. Hopefully THEY WILL START COMMENTING LIKE THEY PROMISED, THE BASTARDS!
Anyway, just a little reminder that I'm here. To end your Sunday night (or begin your Monday morning), I thought you'd like this. Fill in the caption for this Cartoon:
Saturday, June 23, 2007
The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping.
At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.
He decides to play into her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman responded by saying " no, all Icould see was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags"
Friday, June 22, 2007
An article making news today about how the First Child is smarter, not for genetics but because of socialization. An interesting theory. I'm a bit suspicious, but I called my three younger siblings and they seemed to agree it was true.
The real reason I post this, however, is to make fun of Lady Jane Scarlett. Last year I was talking with her on the phone and LJS was lecturing me on my lack of Monkey Barn leadership. (A year later the conversation seems ironically hilarious, but at the time it had merit. I was being somewhat of a candy-ass.)
Anyway, Lady Jane went on to expound further, telling me she had a theory about children. My "conciliatory ways," in her mind, made me a middle child. LJS was so proud of this theory that I almost hated to tell her I was the eldest.
(Feel free to leave a comment teasing Lady Jane Scarlett as well, but before you do consider this: how many of you chowder-heads would I let lecture me about anything? Odds are she stands waaaaay above you in my view, and this isn't to mention the fact that if you're mean to here she'll probably rip you a new hole or two if I don't first. With that, fire away!)
If I could only have one panel, it'd be the one below. I present it here hoping someone might get inspired (and knowing I put myself up for massive criticism). That's how desperate I am: I'm willing to expose my inability to draw ANYTHING in order to get an artist.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
June 22 Update!!!
You have until Monday to continue to make suggestions. After that Kaida talked me into taking the best ones and putting them in a ballot and letting any Monkey Barner (and all visitors) to vote on what the theme song will be.
So keep up the suggestions.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
So let's hear some suggestions! If someone comes up with something good I will put it over on the right, and of course give the sugestee everlasting credit and BJs.
Anyway, when I went to her new site I noticed that Wordnerd has a theme song. I was instantly jealous, thinking WHY DOESN'T THE HYPERION INSTITUTE OR MONKEY BARN HAVE A THEME SONG???? (For more on that, see above post.)
I was so impressed by the theme song that I have to recommend her now, if only for her fine taste.
Here is a music video of the song. (This isn't the band, but rather some of the band's fans. They asked people to send in videos set to the song and that's how thy'd choose their official video. How cool is that?)
"I Hate Everyone" by Get Set Go
Monday, June 18, 2007
This one is just wrong, but I couldn't stop laughing:
I used to collect totally obscure t-shirts, and this one could actually exist. I'd wear it.
Cheryl from Bread & Bread excluded
For Lost Goddess
For Dragon, who loves the old white guys
For Biff Spiffy, who loves him some Bill O' Rights
for Sea Hag, who knows a thing or two about sandwiches
For Lady Jane Scarlett
For Dominique, who needs a man with a firm hand
Duh: for Tracy Lynn
For 'Chelle, who's just a little too into Tom Brady
For Schrodinger's Kitten
For Koz, who right now is considering wearing this to church on Sunday
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
From Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado,
"The Sun Whose Rays are all Ablaze"
The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever-living glory,
Does not deny
He scorns to tell a story!
He don't exclaim,
"I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent."
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories all effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!
Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon's Celestial Highness;
There's not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness:
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don't blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We're very wide awake,
The moon and I!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We're very wide awake,
The moon and I!
Hey, I found it! This clip really gives you a feel not only of the poem, but of how cool the movie is. Make sure you check out the clip and the review too:
There was a girl called Tracy Lynn
Who was proficient with a spoon
She wasn't too fat or too thin
Her right hook sent you to the moon
She used the spoon to beat on dorks
she'd use her hook to set you strait
No spoons, she'd settle for a spork
This is why she was truly great.
don't be fooled she will regulate
Her coolness fits her like a glove
With style and grace she'll stimulate.
No wonder she's the one we love.
Indeed she's our treasure trove.
We'll cling to her and never rove.
If you have a suggestion for the next one leave a comment and we'll be happy to try.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Wait! It's not what you think.
You see, what had hapened was...I was looking into HBO's Big Love, trying to decide whether to watch it. I saw that one of the stars was Chloe Sevigny, so I clicked on her. Toward the end of her article it mentioned THE BROWN BUNNY, which is famous mostly because it shows Sevigny performing fellatio on star Vincent Gallo (who was at the time her boyfriend). Curious, I clicked on the link. (You know how Wikipedia links half the words in their article, sort of like this post, right?)
Anyway, I'm reading along and suddenly I come upon the header "Link to reducing pre-eclampsia." I was only marginally aware of what pre-eclampsia even was, so I read on. Since some of you might be squeamish about clicking on the link, here's the paragraph:
It has been suggested that fellatio may have a beneficial role in preventing dangerous complications during pregnancy. Specifically, a research group reported that pre-eclampsia, a life threatening complication that sometimes arises in pregnancy, is much less frequent in couples who have practiced oral sex, and even more rare in couples where fellatio ended with the semen swallowed. Both results were statistically significant. This is consistent with other evidence that semen contains an agent that prevents preeclampsia, and with the theory that preeclampsia is an immunological condition. According to that view, preeclampsia is caused by a failure of the mother's organism to accept the fetus and placenta, which both contain "foreign" proteins from the father's genes. Regular exposure to the father's semen might cause her immune system to gradually "grow accustomed" to their proteins. Other studies also found that, while any exposure to the partner's sperm during sex appears to decrease the chances of various disorders, women in couples who have practiced "other sex acts" than intercourse are half as likely to suffer pre-eclampsia. It is not known whether this represents a protective effect of "other sex acts" including oral sex, or a correlation between these sexual practices and some other protective factor: for example, greater overall frequency of sex. The standard way to resolve such questions (confounding) in medical science would be through a randomized trial, but there are unique challenges to research in sexual health.
When reporting the findings of the first research group mentioned above, New Scientist magazine thought it worth mentioning that some of the research team were women (including the lead author). Candidates for a protective agent in semen may include serum hormone leutinizing agent and transforming growth factor beta.
Are you getting what this means? I think every husband with a pregnant wife should send me 20 dollars in BJ-thanks. Oh, and I'm not sure if Kaida comes to Monkey Barn anymore, but if she does, I'm ready to start a family.
(By the way, the fellatio article is totally safe for work. Whether you'd want someone sneaking up behind your back and calling out, "Hey everybody! Joan is reading about fellatio!" is another story)
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I need you to pick my mind,
do not be kind
(tell me what it is you see)
Dig in deep,
will you learn the secrets I keep?
(no one ever does)
My head is trivial,
my points are pivotal
(never remaining the same)
Absurd abstract thought,
these battles left unfought
(no one ever wins anyway)
That's all for now folks
Basically, we do the same thing, but for a poem. (I haven't been able to get a hold of Tobias to see if it's okay with home, so if you see this buddy, I hope you're flattered.)
Anyway, it's basically the same thing, but a tad more complicated.
There should be 8 syllables per line (I won't ask for iambic, as that would just crush most of you, but we are trying to get some consistency here, so please stick to 8.) The Rhyme scheme should be like this: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG. If you don't know what that means you should ask somebody smart.
Basically we are trying to create a sonnet here, Monkey Barn style. I won't ask each person to rewrite the entire poem, just their line, but pay attention to where the poem it, as far as the rhyme goes. And people, let's try to have a coherent story, eh?
Oh, yeah: nothing whatsoever is to be from or going to Nantucket. (Koz, I'm looking in your direction.)
The first poem should be about Tracy Lynn, and I'll put the first line here to get you started:
There was a girl called Tracy Lynn
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
A few blonde jokes to start your weekend right (from dribbleglass.com)
A blonde goes into a pharmacy and tells the clerk, "I need some deodorant for my husband." "The ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. The first said "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" The second replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up, its starting to rain and the top is down!"
HEAD AND SHOULDERS
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and the problem had cleared. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said, "You know, it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied, "I know, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
SWIMMING THE ENGLISH CHANNEL
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing and half-an-hour later they were both killed by a train.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
With all the rumor-mongering going on here at Monkey Barn, I thought I would try to redress the balance a little bit by telling you about a new Reality Show starting tonight:
I am not making this up.
The CBS site makes it appear to be basically Survivor: Poop Deck, but you never know.
Might be worth a shot.
AND SINCE I'M TALKING ABOUT TV....
I don't watch the show, but I do keep up with a few Canadian pop culture things. I'm talking about Canada's Next Top Model.
This week the girls each have two pictures. I can't post them here so you'll have to click the link. (And trust me when I say it's worth it.)
The first picture for each girl is a headshot with sea-life on her head for some reason. We're talking starfish, dead fish, lobster, etc. I have no idea why. I'm sure it's some sort of high-fashion thing. I'll ask Kaida (who knows much more of fashion than I) and get back to you.
The second pictures.....DAMN!
You must check out Gina's and even Jacqueline, but especially Gina. Even that girl's sealife picture is pretty sweet.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I give you the Baby Name Wizard Name Voyager.
Basically, it lets you see the popularity of each baby name for the past 100 years. Trust me: you'll spend at least 10 minutes there.
By the way: "Tobias" didn't make the list as one of the most popular 1000 baby names any time in the last 100 years but my middle name was #738 in the 1980s, so if someone is willing to put in the time, they can figure it out.
(if you can believe Slate)
Did Pirates Really Say "Arrrr"?
No. And nobody ever walked the plank, either.By Christopher Bonanos
Posted Tuesday, June 5, 2007, at 1:02 PM ET
Johnny Depp took home the best performance award at Sunday's MTV Movie Awards, for his role as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. (The third installment of the series topped the weekend box-office tallies again this past weekend, pulling in $43.2 million.) Depp's character famously speaks in a dissolute London mumble inspired by Keith Richards. But virtually all his crewmen hew to the classic movie-pirate patois, full of growled consonants and shiver-me-timbers slang. Wait, did pirates really say "arrrrr"?
Probably not. Both that phrase and the accent that goes with it are strictly Hollywood. They originated with Robert Newton, the actor who played Long John Silver in the movies and on TV through much of the 1950s. Newton was from Dorset, in the Cotswolds district of southwest England, and the regional accent he brought to the movies included a rolled "r." Though Dorset may well have produced its share of sailors, they were hardly the only pirates out there; most seamen—and especially the outlaws on pirate vessels—were people who struck out from oppressed nations, like Scotland and Ireland, to start over on the high seas.
So, was there a typical pirate accent at all? Among British outlaws, yes: The onboard speech was most likely underclass British sailor with extra curse words, augmented with a polyglot slang of French, Italian, Spanish, and Dutch picked up around the trade routes. "Arrrrr" is strictly fiction, as are a number of the other affiliated signifiers: Nobody ever walked the plank, and nobody has ever discovered an actual pirate treasure map. On the myth-confirming side, pirates were known to dress in loose clothing, guzzle rum and smash the empty bottles, and chase busty wenches through Caribbean ports.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
This might be a technicality since poems have rhythm (my current ditty is iambic).
I’ve had the Guy Fawkes rhyme stuck in my head ALL morning. Even now as I type this I’m hearing “remember, remember…” ringing through my mind and honestly I think it is much worse than having a song in my mind…songs and books on cd and phone conversations later, this rhyme is still on my mind. Usually when songs are stuck in my head, by now the mental DJ would be on the 3rd stuck tune (at least). It’s the 5th of June but the 5th of November in my mind…I have no clue why either. (And I've not seen "V" again either.)
Oh why oh why couldn’t it be Poe or Shakespeare? I’d even prefer the usual “Adams Family” or “Green Acres” background music my mind goes thru during doldrums to this.
This has made me in the mood for the Sentence Game again, fighting style. In case you were gone last week, each person who comments adds one word to the sentence. (And don't be fucking up my cabbage patch, Koz, or I will go monkey-ninja on yo ass!)
Monday, June 04, 2007
No hints this time, since last time my hints didn't seem to help, but I did make them a bit easier. Good luck!
Points for the first ones to get them right, and points for anyone who manages to mock someone else's dumb answer!
#1 Julianne Moore - I guess the hint wasn't very helpful, but I find it kind of profound how she thinks being naked is when the actor is the most vulnerable. If you think about it, Julianne is often naked in her movies, but rarily for sexy reasons.
#2 Chris Cooper - There's not that many Oscar winners folks. You could have gotten this one.
#3 Joe Mantegna - Some of you didn't even know it when you cheated. C'mon folks: this is Fat Tony! (A devotee of the lively arts? My clues are wasted on you chowderheads.)
#4 Jenna Elfman - Okay, in retrospect this clue was a bit hard, but if I'm not mistaken (and wacked-out hippies correct me if I am), "dharma" is that perfect state of nature we're all supposed to strive for. She cleans up well, eh?
"Social Constraints serve a useful purpose. (I remember from the
The new motto comes directly from this most awesome Dinosaur Comic by Ryan North, which I was able to read for the first time just a few minutes ago. Long-time readers will remember that I used to be obssessed with Dinosaur Comics; it begins again. This motto could represent my entire life.
The picture I found in Google images. It's purty.