Wednesday, October 31, 2007

P.O.D. (Jack-o-Lantern version)

Trick-or-Treating vs. Sex

[found on the internet: not attributed, and NOT created by me]


10 - You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9 - If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8 - The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7 - You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6 - It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5 - Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4 - If you don't like what you get you can always go next door.

3 - It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2 - Less guilt the morning after.


Daily Lynx (Halloween, Baby!)

Here are some cool Halloween or Scary Lynx:

1. Carve Your Own Pumpkin. Also, Create Your own Jack-O-Lantern. The first lets you physically carve what you want, while the second lets you choose from endless combinations, but both are a lot of fun!

2. If you're into weird, creepy, yet somehow strangely beautiful, you might want to check out Be warned: many of these are old funeral pictures from the 19th century, and there is a section of "death masks," which used to be huge. However, while the subject is macabre, it is presented very respectfully. But not for all tastes.

3. Finally, something everyone can get into. Cows with Guns. It's an animated music video, and the title alone should tell you if you want to watch it.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

P.O.D. (10/30/07)

Halloween Costumes.

(I can totally see TL wearing this)

(I'd like to let the "Force" be with her, if you know what I mean.....)

(He's going to be stiff competition in the costume contest.....)

This last one I don't have the balls to post on here. It's safe for work and all, but....Well, you've been warned. Most Offensive Halloween Costume Ever!


Daily Lynx (10/30/07)

1. People, I don't mind you getting into Halloween, but for the love of all that is holy, I draw the line at costumes for your pet!!! (Although, even I have to admit the last two are kinda cool.)

2. Apparently in the 19th Century, a lot people believed in ghosts. And photography having recently been invented, people decided the best way to prove there were ghosts was to take the ghosts' pictures.

BONUS LINK - I told the Monkeys that if they sent me a link I would put it here. Koz sent me a you tube music video. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT recommend it, but I keep my word. The song is called "Lotion" by a Chicago band called Greenskeepers. The song pays tribute to Buffalo Bill from SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, with clips from the movie. I hate Buffalo Bill in that movie, so I want no part of a song paying tribute to him, although I do say that line about five times a week.

3. Here's guessing that your Halloween plans will necessitate the need to say "Oh my god! There's an axe in my head!" in several different languages. Hyperion has you covered. (My favorite ones: Visigoth and Welsh. That Welsh one just looks fun to say. If I meet any grape jellies I'm going to try it.)

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

Words simply fail me. I watched this at least 10 times since one of the guys posted it on my Fantasy Football Message board.

And in case you want to sing along, here are the lyrics:

In the middle of the Earth, in the land of Shire,
Lives a brave little hobbit whom we all admire.
With his long, wooden pipe, fuzzy wooly toes,
He lives in a hobbit hole and everybody knows him.

Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins. Only 3 feet tall.
Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins. Bravest little hobbit of them all.

Now hobbits are peace lovin' folks you know,
They're never in a hurry and they take things slow,
They don't like to travel away from home,
They just want to eat and be left alone.

But one day Bilbo was asked to go,
On a big adventure to the cave below.
To help some Dwarves get back their gold,
That was stolen by a dragon in the days of old.


Well, he fought with the goblins.
He battled a troll.
He riddled with gollum.
A magic ring he stole.
He was chased by wolves.
Lost in the forest.
Escaped in a barrel from the elf king's home.

Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins. Bravest little hobbit of them all.
Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins. Bravest little hobbit of them all.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Breasts like Martinis

I ran into this great poem by Jill McDonough. I got it from Slate Magazine, and you can go there and listen to her read it if you'd like. (Poetry is ALWAYS better when the poet reads it herself.)

But if you're lazy, I think it's short enough for me to reprint here.

Breasts like Martinis
by Jill McDonough

The bartender at Caesar's tells jokes we've heard a hundred times.
A shoelace walks into a bar, for example. I whisper
Sarah Evers told me that joke in sixth grade
and Josey says
My brother Steve, 1982. A whore, a midget, a Chinaman,
nothing we haven't heard. Then a customer asks
Why are breasts like martinis? and they both start laughing.
They know this one, everybody knows this one, except
us. They don't even bother with the punch line. The bartender just says
Yeah, but I always said there should be a third one, on the back,
for dancing, dancing with the woman-shaped air behind the bar, his hand
on the breast on her back. So we figure three is too many,
one's not enough. Okay; we can do better than that. I like my breasts
like I like my martinis
, we say: Small and bruised or big and dry. Perfect.
Overflowing. Reeking of juniper,
spilling all over the bar.
When I have a migraine and she reaches for me, I say
Josey, my breasts are like martinis. She nods, solemn:
People should keep their goddamn hands off yours. How
could we tell these jokes to the bartender? We can't. He'll never know.
I say it after scrubbing the kitchen cabinets, and she gets it:
dirty and wet. Walking in the wind, Josey says My breasts
are like martinis
and I hail a cab, know she means shaking, ice cold.

It says on that page that Jill McDonough is a Wallace Stegner fellow at Stanford University. I don't know what that is, but it sounds prestigious.

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Daily Lynx (10/26/07)

Not sure if anyone enjoyed yesterday's Daily Lynx, but either way, I have more!

1. Fifteen ways to tie your shoes (My favorites are J and M. K makes me want to throw up in my mouth)

2. Ladies, have you ever wished to that great Pink Pixie in the sky that you could Pee Standing Up? Well, here's your chance, with the new P-Mate!

Here are my favorite features:
  • The P-Mate is covered with a 4-leaf clover design as it is good luck to have one with you when you are in need.
  • The P-Mate does NOT get all wet and soggy after use. You can easily slip it back into a pocket or bag for later disposal if you are outdoors where there is no garbage can.

I think "pissing on a 4-leaf clover" should become a new term for us.

#3 Friends, have you ever been so tired that you could swear the icons on your desktop moved for no reason? Well, perhaps you weren't crazy. Perhaps the icons were really at war.



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P.O.D. (10/26/07)

It's like Butterscotch, Yo!

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Thursday, October 25, 2007

WYG? (Summer vs. Emma)

One of the teams in my Fantasy Football League is called "River Tam Beats up Everyone," based on a movie the owner says would be great.

So, somehow a debate got started on who was prettier/sexier/all around awesomer: River Tam or Hermione Granger.

Actually, as the characters are almost impossible to compare, the debate more centered more on the actresses who play these two great characters, Summer Glau and Emma Watson. (And before you send hate mail telling me that Emma Watson is not 18 until next April 15, and telling me about the countdown clock, know that we were aware of that and took appropriate steps. Nothing in the debate was prurient, and everyone but Koz was clear to add "when she is 18" to all arguments. And before you tell me the countdown clock is creepy, it was inspired by one for Daniel Radcliffe.)

Anyway, I'm asking the Monkey Barn audience to help settle this debate for once and all. River or Hemione? Summer or Emma?

Tale of the Tape:

Summer Glau
Plays River Tam in Firefly TV series, SERENITY movie.
River's strongest points: she's an unstoppable weapon, and smarter than the known world, possibly psychic.
River's weakest points: She's crazy. More than even a regular woman.

Emma Watson
Plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.
Hermione's strongest points: she's very smart, clever and resourceful, a loyal friend and passionately committed to the suffering of small creatures.
Hermione's weakest points: she's often a buzzkill, relentlessly focussed on homework and threatening to ruin others' good times. She's a teacher's pet; has strange taste in men.

Who Ya Got???

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P.O.D. (10/25/07)

Picture of the Day for October 25, 2007:

This picture was just so Lady Jane Scarlett would want to come back. Isn't he handsome???

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Daily Lynx (It LIVES!)

I am starting a new feature (actually reviving an old one, but whatever) here on Monkey Barn called the Daily Lynx. Each day I will post three links that I think you (swimming in your own depravity) would enjoy. The only rule is: you must first read the contents of that day's Institute (and of course Monkey Barn) before you enjoy the fruits of others' labors.

Failure to hold to this rule will result in "Death by Swallowing too much Monkey Poo."

So you know we're serious! (If you, in your capacity as a Monkey Barn member, or just a valued guest, have a link that we should feature, email me and I will include it in a future day, along with credit to you.

Daily Lynx #1 - Wireframe Skeleton (It's creepy and Scientific all at the same time!)

Daily Lynx #2 - 13 Reasons to say "Holy Shit!" (These can't all possibly be real; I mostly wanted you to see 7 and 10.)

Daily Lynx #3 - The New Shelton wet/dry (Part of me marvels at the insanity of the artist; part of me just marvels)

Have fun, and try to see if you can get the skeleton to do a double back flip. Really cool when you pull it off.


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I Hate Everyone: People In Commercials

So I was over on The Slate a few weeks ago reading the Ad Report Card and the guy who normally writes it is going on some sabbatical bullshit and I'm all upset about it because I have a total crush on him. I mean, he's such a funny, smart-ass writer that I'd totally sit on his face and I don't even know what the guy looks like, so that's how awesome he is.

Anyway, his parting article was a short collection of ads people hate. It was OK, but it made me think of the time in my high school English class my junior year when my teacher announced that she wished that she could put The Wolfman and Donna (two local people who sold furniture and did totally lame commericals for it) into a box and fly them into the center of the sun. So in honor of Mrs. Federovich and Seth Stevenson, I compiled my own list of

People in Commericals Who I Wish I Could Put In A Box And Fly Into The Center Of The Sun:

1. The couple from the Sonic commericals
Sweet grape cream slush, if this is what marriage is like I'd rather try to beat myself to death with a New Balance sneaker. These ads show a couple who are sitting in the Sonic drive-in enjoying whatever the frosty drink special of the month is while they barely contain their contempt for each other. The wife is a stuck-up bitch and the husband is a total asstard, and therein lies the hilarity, I guess. I mean, the woman married the guy, how did she not realize the guy was an immature idiot? And what does she have to bitch about anyway, the guy takes her to Sonic all the time! How can anyone be pissy at a Sonic drive-thru? This one time they gave away FREE root beer floats! A girl who has this big tray of condiments walks around to all the cars and asks if you want more ketchup! There are few things more awesome than that.

2. The chorus from the Rondo commercials
First of all, Kias are just one step up from a roller skate. Second of all, 'Rondoism' is a totally stupid made-up word. Third, the people are singing around San Francisco and everyone knows that they only drive Toyota Priuses there. But most importantly, these people need to be destroyed because they're so damn loud: LET THE SUN SHINE IN! LEEEET THE SUN SHINE IN! THE SUUUUUN SHINE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

3. The 'Messin' With Sasquatch' guys
The theme of these commericals seems to be that if you eat Jack Links Beef Jerky you are a complete dickhead. And yes I know that Big Foot isn't real and it's just a guy in a suit that they're pulling pranks on, but it's comes across as being really mean-spirited and douche-y.

4. The guys dressed up like Whoppers on the Burger King commericals
First of all, these commericals are just plain stupid, and the latest one shows the Dad Whopper busting in on a Chicken Sandwich kid making out with his daughter, and he can't get through the bedroom door to kick the Chicken Sandwich kid's buns (heh). Um, why isn't his daughter a Burger King food product? And how did he get into the front door but not the bedroom door? Why did he buy a house that he couldn't fit through the doors anyway?

5. The Berries & Creme Starburst guy
This guy is just... so, so wrong. So very creepy. I get 'The Uh-oh Feeling' every time I see this commerical. Plus his irises have no color, so that's proof that he's the undead.

Last Requests - The Barn Speaks

Right before we went on Haitus I asked every member of the Barn to write down their Last Requests, based on a column I wrote several years ago where I did the same thing.

I have collected their responses all together in one post so you could see them:

Lady Jane Scarlett's Last Requests

Dragon's Last Requests

Dominique's Last Requests

Lost Goddesses Last Requests

Tracy Lynn's Last Requests

Schrodinger's Kitten's Last Requests

Sea Hag's Last Requests

Tobias's Last Requests
(last post of Tobias)

Hyperion's Last Requests

If you would like to add yours in the Comments we would love to read them.

Big Announcement

After more than a month away, I wanted to say this:

Ten points for the first one to figure it out.