Thursday, May 21, 2009

:Pickles is on Fire!

What has gotten into Brian Crane lately? I have always DESPISED Pickles, but this is twice in a month I'm featuring strips? Much like Jim Davis, is Crane having a second shot at life? I see a cute blonde yoga instructor behind this.

Pickles on CATCH 22 (What can you do?)

Pickles on GOOD ADVICE
(Who knew?)

Pickles on LIFE IS LIKE (An FML moment if I ever heard one.)

Pickles on LIFE IS LIKE - PART 2 (I highly recommend the fetal position. If you ever date you'll be there eventually anyways)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

F*** My Life - Star Trek and Desperate Housewives

As always, from (with my comments added in).

Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML [Hyperion - Obviously this girl wasn't MB's Dragon, or the parents would be dancing for joy.]

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML [Assuming that time spent with mom was dinner earlier in the evening, and not at the strip insane is this girl? Then again, if she (apparently) lives with him or has access to his place, why wasn't she out partying? Maybe she had to work. All I know is that she's psycho...I bet the sex is great.]

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML [Hyperion - There is no excuse for a woman w/out medical issues to be 35 w/out having had an orgasm. Clearly this chick can give herself one; what was she doing the last 20 years?]

Today, my daughther said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML [Hyperion - If you're buying your underage daughter a thong, you're probably not the kind of mother who deserves a ton of love.]

Today, my dad got really drunk. When I was about to go to bed, he was just coming out of the bathroom, he was fully naked, I immediately turned away and said "Okay Dad, time for bed". Thinking that I was my mum, he replied with "That's right bitch, I'm your daddy, I'll show you in bed". FML [Hyperion - Could be worse. He could've been sober.]

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having terrible sex for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML [Hyperion - You gotta just tip your capt to that kind of come back. I mean, there is NOTHING she can do in response. Brutal.]

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML [Hyperion - Hard to believe a girl who says "burgled" doesn't have more friends.]

Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then proceeds to respond, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML [Hyperion - And that little girl's grandma grew up to be Speaker of the House....]

Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML [Hyperion - Women say they want us to communicate, but they don't mean it.]

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML [Hyperion - I'm by no means perfect. I used to get Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman confused, and Jeff Daniels and Jeff Bridges confused, and your guess is as good as mine if it's a Brandy song or a Monica song. But I have never gotten Star Trek and Star Wars confused. Yes, anyone can have a slip of the tongue, but how can you get the two concepts confused? Yet I'm here to tell you: girls do it all the time. It's not enough to break up with them, though. Here's the key: are they willing to watch Star Wars, and only occasionally talk about how cute teh Ewoks are? If so, you can put up with the name mixups and their referring to Stormtroopers as "Marshmallow Men."]

P.O.D. - Bikini Rule #23

Escalator Criminals and the Mounties who love them

They kinda sorta love to follow the law up there in Canada (a.k.a. "America's Hat")

LAVAL, Quebec (UPI) -- A Canadian woman says she was handcuffed and detained for disobeying a police officer's order to hold the rail on an escalator in the Montreal Metro.

Bela Kosoian said that she found police behavior "horrible, disgusting," the Toronto Globe and Mail reported. She plans to fight the two tickets she was given for failing to hold the rail and obstruction.

Kosoian, 38, said she was on her way to an evening class at the university late Wednesday afternoon when she was arrested. She said that she was trying to find money for the subway fare in her backpack when an officer ordered her to hold the rail.

The officer was with police in Laval, a Montreal suburb, not the Societe de Transport de Montreal.

"We were quite surprised to hear about this, we don't give fines for such things," said Isabelle Tremblay, a spokeswoman for the STM.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sherlock Holmes Trailer

Guy Ritchie could completely screw this up, but Lady Jane Scarlett and I were talking it over, and we agree we're excited. The young Holmes is quite Brash, and I think RDJ is inspired. (Lady Jane didn't didn't even bother to agree; she just swooned and rushed off to find her husband.)

Either way, SHERLOCK HOLMES is now a must see.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Make the Girl Dance (Baby Baby Baby)

Maybe I'm being too hard on the French. After all, they are trying to think "Outside the Box" in their Music Videos.

(Sadly, Sadly, Sadly this video is Safe for Work, but you might not want to watch it when other people are around.)

(I very much recommend the HD if you computer will support it. Some things need to be CRYSTAL clear)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

High Five Machine

My newest Motto was "borrowed" from my newest Twitter buddy, who may or may not be a cyborg robot. His name is High Five Machine, and here is the motto:

"Powered by Awesomeness, Bacon and the Letter G. (High Five!)"

Monday, May 11, 2009

Oh, FML is back, baby!

As has become a cultural tradition, I present more of my favorites from, along with my comments.

Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML [Hyperion - Notice me sitting here quietly not saying a word]

Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML [Hyperion - I TOTALLY understand this guy's pain. I can't tell you how many times this happened to me, and when it wasn't concern over some piece of their home I might have broken, it was laughing at how funny I looked falling down. One time I was coming down the stairs, and I have to come down stairs sideways because my feet are too big for the each stair, and my family has so much crap piled up on the stairs that I can't maneuver and I fall on SOMETHING and tumble all the way down the stairs, AND TO THIS DAY, if the story comes up, my mom cracks up over the idea that my feet were too big to walk down the steps normally. F MY Life!]

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML [Hyperion - This was from a few days ago, before everyone knew what it was. Pretty funny, though.]

Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML [Hyperion - I don't trust that "friend," who seemed to conveniently leave out a detail. Chicks, man.....]

Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML [Hyperion - Hey, it could've been worse. Could have been a guy posting. Or was it?....]

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML [Hyperion - Pretty damn hard to feel sorry for soccer moms. My mom was not a soccer mom, but I've met many of them, and there are very few I wouldnt' call "some fat bitch" just on general principle. F*** you, Soccer Moms!]

At the Red House

You gotta see it to believe it.

Pickles and Me

I've never liked Pickles. Not the cucumber; LOVE them. The comic strip. I think it's the grandma. She drives me nuts. The grandpa is no prize, but his foibles are more recognizable and obvious, so I can live with him.

Anyway, like I said, I hate the strip. But every once in a while they have a winner. Below are a couple I like:

Words to live by, my friends

I'm going to try to use this in every conversation I have this week.....

Stay Thirsty My Friends

I don't drink beer and I'm rarely if ever gay, but I love me some Dos Esquis Guy. President Obama should make him secretary of something, and every director should put him in a movie.

Here are some of the commercials:

"His Organ Donation Card includes his Beard...."

"His Blood smells like cologne...."

On Rollerblading:

On Mixed Nuts:

On Tight Pants

On Life

On Pick-Up Lines

On the Two-Party System

Best one I've seen (maybe because it was the first, but mostly because it has the best line of the year: "He lives vicariously....")

"I don't always fall in love with men, but when I do, I prefer, the Dos Equis guy." - Hyperion

Friday, May 08, 2009

Klingon Language - An analysis

From an actual Serious Scholarly Article about the Klingon Language.

Which leads me to this question: who's all going to see the new STAR TREK movie?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Garfield Shows Signs of Life?

Years ago I wrote Garfield off. Most newspaper comic-strips are somewhat derivative, but Garfield hadn't had a new idea in centuries.

But somewhere along the comfortable mosey to retirement Jim Davis remembered that before Bucky Katt, even before Heathcliff (not to mention Riff-Raff and the Junkyard Three), there was one bad-ass sarcastic cat, and that was Garfield.

Not every strip is a winner. Daily comics don't work that way. But like 2-3 times a week Garfield is making me laugh, and you're talking about someone who hasn't laughed at Garfield since Clooney left E.R.

In the last couple-a weeks Garfield hasn't just made me laugh, it seems to define my very existence!

Amen, brother. Amen!

I think girls have absolutely no idea how important it is for guys to be #1 at SOMETHING.

I swear by the gods of Stouffer's that the other day Paula Deen did this! She made lasagna for her and a friend, and baked this huge loaves of garlic bread (French bread halved and smothered in garlic butter). When everything was done she put her lasagna between the bread and ate it as a sandwich. I haven't seen a woman's mouth open that wide since the time I visited Dragon and...well, it's a boring story, but the point is: a good idea is a good idea.

Girls are so freaking weird.

Monday, May 04, 2009

How to Defend Yourself From Ninja Attack

Do not DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT watch this video with any liquid in your mouth. Trust me.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Baby Animal Tummy Rub

I have no idea what this thing is, but I'll give the little dude this:


Legos Gone Wild

Legos Gone Wild

Ladies, most of you are a classy gals, but you all have a little slut in you, so maybe you can help explain this to me. What makes girls do GGW? At the very least, what makes Legos Girls?

Dexy meets the Divinyls....

From a funny web-comic called XKCD:

Cool Fashion Video

I'm not sure what (if anything) this video is supposed to have to do with the Olsen Twins. Maybe they are affiliated with the Clothing Label some how. I don't really care. I share because the video itself is really damn cool!

Avoiding Jury Duty

from the Smoking Gun, How a man avoided Jury Duty.

I'm torn between shaking my head at such apathy, and actually agreeing with him. Actually, I'm leaning his way.


I tried to hold off on posting more of my favorite FMLs (from I really did. But FML completes me. Don't hate.

Here are some of my recent favorites, with occasional comments from me!

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML [Hyperion - Hard to feel sorry for someone who knowingly inflicts Pierce Brosnan's singing on another human being.]

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML [Hyperion - It could have been worse. She could have been dumped by Winnie the Pooh or Yogi. Those are two talking bears you DON'T want to be dumped by. Best-case scenario? Smokey. You just know he'd handle the situation right.]

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML [Hyperion - "There's a fine line between Orgasm and Allergy." I double-dog dare you to work that into a conversation today!]

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML [Hyperion - I'm with the BF. Here's a tip, kids: if you expect your one and only, or ANYONE, to take your hopes and dreams seriously, don't text them! (Exception: Twittering them from a phone = legitimate)]

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML [Hyperion - I am going to hang out at liquor stores JUST to do this. Hee hee]

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML [Hyperion - I just got a brilliant idea (maybe): porn with all-uggo cast. Why? To help a guy last longer. I don't watch porn, so I'm not sure if this would work. I need the experts out there (Avitable, EvilTwin'sWife, Kalofagus) to weigh in: would this idea work?]

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML [Hyperion - Sage advice for us all.]