Friday, July 31, 2009
A few of my recent favorites......
Andy on.....Updating the Bible
[Hyperion - Turns out the Lord allowed 144 characters instead of 140]
Andy on.....Modern Feminism
[Hyperion - Andy and I are both passionate about our ardent Feminism]
[Hyperion - Some girls got it, some girls don't]
Andy's wife Flo on.....Creative Accounting
[Hyperion - Flo should come work on the Obama Health Care Team. (It was either that or go with some crack about "chick logic." I couldn't decide.)]
Andy on.....Healing a Wounded Heart
[Hyperion - Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do]
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
[This was a story the Monkey Barners did back in 2007, to commemorate the last Harry Potter movie release. Each day was a new chapter by a different author. The only rule? THERE WERE NONE. Hope you enjoy the nuttienes.
Harry Potter and the Haunted Monkey Barn.
Harry Potter stepped off the Hogwarts express gingerly, stretching his legs with his House Gryffindor compatriots. Up and down the train, others were doing the same,
A Spring Break spent searching the moldy corners of the Haunted Monkey Barn might not be anyone's first choice, but when you consider the other two choices (Euro Disney and Paris Hilton's urinary tract), nobody was complaining.
Well, almost nobody.
"I don't see why we have to spend our time in some sodding barn!" Draco Malfoy said spiritedly. "My father booked an entire floor at the Mandalay in Vegas. Why couldn't we have gone there?"
Other students chimed in too, until Professor McGonagall swooped in, glaring at Draco. "Mr. Malfoy, that will be quite enough out of you!" Draco started protesting but professor McGonagall was having none of it, and dragged the yelping boy off.
"Of all the Minerve!" Pansy Parkinson said, preening as the others congratulated her on the fine pun. Fun was short-lived, however, as Professor Sprout and Professor Snape herded the students onto invisible John Deere tractors (visible only to those who had cut grass or stepped in cow pies) and on to the Haunted Monkey Barn.
According to their itinerary, the students were all supposed to meet in the Foyer. "How do we know we are in the foyer?" Ron asked.
Hermione pointed. "I think that's our clue."
Everyone just looked at her dumbly, and Hermione ground her teeth.
Once inside the Barn the students were met by a curator. The man was completely normal except for the fact that he wore no pants and spoke with a speech impediment.
And was a duck.
"If it were not for the speech impediment, the lack of trousers and the undeniable "fowl" appearance to him our guide would look quite normal indeed." Said Hermione Granger, grinning at her own pun. When no one offered praise as they had for Pansy Hermione grumbled under her breath, "Stupid Bitch. I wish her name was Pansy Chlamydia!" This gave Hermione an idea.
Meanwhile Ron and Harry were taking bets on what sort of punishment Professor McGonagall was giving out to Draco.
"I bet it's a spanking!" Dean Seamus said wiggling his eyebrows.
"Yeah, she could paddle him with that Quidditch broom he's so bloody proud of!" Lee Jordan chimed in.
Neville Longbottom had his own take: "I hope the professor takes that Malfoy by his Ж€£¥¥%¿µ and makes him ؤست£إ¶#&* her #^¢¤¤§® ¡جنص‡."
No one really had an answer for that.
The truth was soon to be revealed, as the students soon became tired of hearing the duck go on and on about "Whatever you do, beware the evil Lord Voldemonkey" and went off to explore. They came upon a door and heard cries from within. Wand at the ready, Harry pulled open the door and gaped with astonishment as he saw professor McGonagall and Draco Malfoy right dab in the middle of…..
....tickle torture. Draco was in his underwear, spread eagle and tied to a wooden table. Professor McGonagall was orchestrating three feather dusters from her seat in the corner of the room. The feather dusters tickled him under each arm and each foot. Draco was screaming and giggling at the same time. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face.
Ron and Harry actually felt sorry for Draco. "The poor bastard." Harry said. The others nodded silently.
"Serves him right. He should have followed the rules." Hermione opined.
“You can be really heartless, Hermione.” Pansy spat. Hermione glared back at Pansy but soon smiled to herself as thoughts of how she would get her revenge swirled in her head.
"Do shut up, Mr. Malfoy and take your punishment like a wizard!" Prof. McGonagall said. "Besides, you don't want to wake Lord Voldemonkey. If you wake him, he'll make this punishment seem like a day at the beach."
The curator walked in after the group and was annoyed at what he saw. He immediately recognized the feathers on those dusters
“W-w-w-hat are you d-d-d-doing! Th-th-those are my ne-ne-nephews!” he screamed at Professor McGonagall.
“Oh, very well. I think Mr. Malfoy has learned his lesson.”
With a flick of her wand, Draco was dressed and sitting upright on the table. Ron and Harry helped Draco off the table because the "poor bastard" was still giggling/crying and he couldn’t control his movements. The feathers returned to their original duck forms and the ducks were none too happy about their transformation. They began squawking their disapproval at their curator uncle and the professor.
“Quiet. He’ll hear you.” Professor McGonagall said trying to calm them. She looked genuinely worried. “You don’t want to upset him, trust me.” It was no use; the ducks would not stop squawking. Their squawks grew louder and louder.
The wooden table started to shake and soon all the furniture in the room shook. A bright light appeared from underneath a trap door on the floor near where Pansy stood.
“Oh d-d-d-d-d-dear! Oh m-m-m-m-my! “ said the curator. “This is n-n-n-n-not g-g-g-g-good.”
Curious, Pansy bent down and opened the trap door. The light shone brighter than any light they had ever seen. Pansy covered her eyes and screamed in pain. “I’m blind! I’m blind!” She tried to run away but the light had her trapped. Her screams were silent now and her skin seemed to be melting.
“Help her!” Harry screamed at Professor McGonagall, shaking her out of her shocked state. “Do something, she’s dying!”
Professor McGonagall tried to counter the attack by placing a protective shield around Pansy using her wand. The shield did not hold and now both the professor and Pansy were consumed by the light. Silent screams etched the pain on their faces.
The others looked on helplessly, not knowing what to do. Harry immediately covered those around him with his invisibility cloak. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville and Dean huddled close together and watched horrified as……
The silence of the screams began to spread like a puddle of blood. It was not just the absence of noise, but a kind of silence that had a presence all its own, the spectral opposite of a thunderbolt. It went right through intolerable, painful noise and out the other end. And, it was beginning to encroach on their little huddle under the invisibility cloak, making even their own clenched squeals and whispers fade into an aural abyss, sucking at their very breath.
Hermione managed, “You know, just because we’re invisible doesn’t mean we’re not here.” The light was becoming unbearable even with their backs turned toward it.
Ron instinctively bolted for the exit, throwing off the cloak. He got only three steps toward the door and tripped. A spectacular explosion tossed him against the desiccated walls of the barn, with a noise like the projectile flatulence of a thousand trolls. And a very sick hippo. He had stepped on a duck. The light shrunk into a point inside Pansy’s forehead, faded, and a look of serene relief came to her face. Then she exploded, showering the room with bits of Pansy cloak, Pansy blood, and Pansy ass. The trap door thudded shut as if pulled from below.
A normal sort of quiet returned to the room while the junior wizards crept out from beneath the cloak. It had shielded them from most of the mess, leaving them shaken but unhurt. The duck, Professor McGonagall, and Pansy were gone. Harry ran his hands through his hair repeatedly, trying to sort out the events. “What was that?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s helpful,” said Hermione. “Why don’t we all just sit around and ask each other?” Her bitterness was just beginning to swell at the realization that she wouldn’t get to wreak revenge on Pansy for all the sour looks, sly jabs, and (she hated to admit) the bigger rack that Pansy flaunted. She began stomping around, overturning rubble, recklessly looking for clues. Harry joined the search, keeping a watchful eye on the trap door.
“I think the duck was trying to work a spell, and Ron interrupted its concentration,” Harry guessed.
Malfoy snorted, began stammering, and quickly recovered his powers of self-righteous sputtering. “You’ve managed to do it again, you raggedy no-good half-wizards! Now we’re stuck here in a haunted barn with no professors and something deadly…”
“And you’ve wet yourself,” Neville interrupted. Dean burst out laughing, while Neville sheepishly shrugged and said, “Well, it’s true. And it smells like the time you shat yourself back in grade school.” Draco shook with rage, balled up his fists, and stormed past his tormentors. He flung open the nearest door and half jumped, half fell a few feet to soft, lumpy ground. Harry and Hermione leaned out the door to see Malfoy buried up to his armpits in grey, greasy mud. Their laugh was quickly stifled by the scene beyond.
It wasn’t quite outdoors, but it was too vast to be a proper room. The place was lit from everywhere, like the inside of a cloud on a sunny day, and just as bleak. Massive shapes moved in the hazy distance. As Harry took a step backward, pulling Hermione with him, an enormous hairy foot came slamming from above, driving Draco Malfoy into the next world with a soggy crunch. Hermione leaned out to see the whole of the beast, discovering that the foot belonged to a giant spotted monkey. It looked down at her with a smile she couldn’t define as either menacing or kind. She turned to the others and said, “I’m going to ride it.” With that, she scrambled up on its neck, kicked her heels, and it lumbered off into the mist with her hanging on tightly.
Her manic screams faded, and the room was mostly still again. Just then Harry noticed something amiss. Where was Ron?
"Who the bloody hell cares where Weasley is!" Draco sniveled, writing in the mud. "Somebody get me out of this!".
Because for at that very moment, a distant flare shot off into the sky. Purple and sparkly, it arched into the sky, bright in the murky grey ceiling above them. It then suddenly exploded into a picture, forming into a shape of...a monkey slinging poo.
Neville gasped. "It's...it's...."
Harry uttered the fatal words..."Voldemonkey".
Everyone turned to him in unison "He Who Must Not Be Smelled!" they screamed.
Harry apologized, and kicked the mud.
He looked at his compatriots that had surrounded him. His beloved Ron and Hermione were gone - Ron to who knows where, and Hermione off flying on a gigantic spotted monkey. Harry had a brief thought that Ron and Hermione seemed to disappear together an awful lot. They'd suddenly spout off an excuse of 'homework' or 'practice spells' and then would manage to slip away. He thought he heard the word 'anal sex' once as they scuttled off into the hallway. If he didn't know better, he'd think they were....nah, he laughed. Ridiculous.
With the symbol of Voldemonkey fading in the sky, the group re-assembled. Professor McGonagall herded Prefessor Trelwaney toward the students, everyone apprehensive.
"Students!" the Professor enunciated. "Let's not over-react. The symbol of 'He Who Shall Not Be Smelled' is not necessarily the sign of the evil itself. It may be only one of it's followers. We must stick together, and..."
Suddenly Professor Trelwaney convulsed, and her eyes rolled back into her head. She managed to stand, but the mouth hung slack, and a deep booming voice came from within...
The crowd stirred in silence.
"Lord Voldemonkey. That funky monkey."
Harry cocked an eyebrow in confusion.
"We're offered Moet - we don't mind Chivas Wherever we go with bring the Voldemonkey with us..."
Trelwaney dwindled off. As everyone stood in silence.
"It means he's here!" Draco screamed like a girl. A real girl bitch-slapped him. He liked it. They began to make out.
Here? Harry thought. What would he do? His scar began to ache. He longed for Ron and Hermione more than ever. Maybe he could find them before it was too late?
Everyone turned to back to Professor McGonagall for guidance.
"We must take this prophecy as truth - 'He Who Shall Not be Smelled'...must be...must be...oh dear...he must be SMELLED!" She shuddered in fear at the thought.
The crowd screamed, but Harry sighed. 'Again?' he thought.
Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, a bright flash of light illuminated them all. When it faded, there stood Severus Snape. And a figure stood next to him. Harry squinted. It couldn't be! he thought...
(Lady Jane Scarlett)
Snape appeared with Saibot, his pet squibb. Saibot was a wretched beast, his nose hair dangled below a pair of snarled lips and a lone brown tooth. A crooked twig took the place of a wand. Poor Saibot did not know better for he was born a squibb and his momma did not teach him common sense. Snape sneered and pulled back his greasy hair to reveal a scar similar to Harry's on the right side of his forehead. Snape giggled with glee and said "Now you shall know the velocity of our menace!". Snape revealed that his scar was caused by an errant release of Voldemonkey's most powerful weapon-the Beeno. Snape considered the scar a blessing, and when his scar began to tingle, Snape knew that his Lord was making others suffer.
"Finally the Odoriferous One has arrived. May you all revel in his glorious stench!" Snape cried and began to two-step with his squibb.
The shadow of Voldemonkey loomed above the haunted barn. At any moment, a smell that would draw out happiness would appear. Harry knew from experience that he would be helpless unless he acted quickly. Harry muttered "Snottify", and a thick protective coating shielded his head from the incoming air biscuit attacks.
Although Neville and Professor McGonagall were quick to follow Harry's lead, Professor Trelwaney forgot where her wand was. It was horrible to watch the green cloud of doom engulf first her hair, then tickle her nostrils. As Professor Trelwaney became immersed in the poisonous green cloud, she began to writhe and convulse. Soon she disappeared, never to be heard (or smelled) again.
Harry would hear no more of it. He said to Saibot "You are more than a pet, you are a secret keeper aren't you? What secret are you holding for Snape?"
Saibot hissed. That was all he could do, besides two-stepping and cooking up a mean batch of chili.
Just then, in the midst of his phlegm-covered head, Harry heard a quiet moan. He followed the moan to a seemingly solid door, but could not go any further. Harry thought "I need to find who is making that noise". Just then, a brick moved and revealed a doorway. Ron, Hermione and Luna were there. But what were they doing?
Harry approached them trio hastily and making all sort of noise and said “Finally, there you are. Luna where did you…”
Hermione shhhed him and turn to the door behind them. As Hermione worked her magic to open the door with the usual “Alohamora!” the others gestured for Harry to keep silent. The door had already popped open and Hermione was stepping into the next room as Harry stood there dumb founded, he had that Ron’s zipper was down. That boy still hasn’t figured how to dress himself, thought Harry as he was grabbed by the shirt front and pulled through the door by Ron and Luna after Hermione.
They were in a kitchen with a roaring fire and a table with two figures sitting at it. They had been speaking in hushed tones but, stopped at the site of Hermione, Ron, Harry and Luna. The one stood up and walked over to the group.
“What are you four doing in here?” questioned Hagrid.
“Oh, Hagrid! Lord Voldemonkey has returned!” said Hermione, sounding a bit relieved to see the games’ keeper, it was as though she hadn’t noticed the other figure in the room. Harry wondered how that was possible since he took up almost as room as Hagrid.
“Hagrid, who is that?” Harry questioned back.
“Oh, that?” Hagrid glanced back to the table. “That’s no one. Just the keeper of this barn.”
“Keeper of the barn? Funny, he bares a striking resemblance to you. What do you all belong to some kind of club,” asked Ron chuckling.
Up stood a dashingly handsome tall figure with wide shoulders, he sauntered over, bowed his head and put forth his hand, “It is nice to finally meet you, Mr. Potter, Miss. Granger, and I’m sorry I don’t recognize you, Miss...?
“Looney…uh Luna,” said Hermione quickly correcting herself and blushing.
“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Hagrid’s distant cousin, and the keeper of keys and grounds of the MonkeyBarn, Hyperion. Hagrid has said much about you.”
Chapter 7 – All's Well that Ends
(by Tobias the River Midget, Hogwarts Class of '05; "We'll Hufflepuff your house down!")
Everyone looked at Hagrid and Hyperion, who began kissing in a slobbery fashion. "Gross!" said Ron, feelingly. "I had no idea you were a poofter, Hagrid."
"'At's untrue, 'on!" Hagrid said, continuing his assault on first letters of words (or his ongoing quest to bring Cockney to Wizarding; no one was sure which). "Hyperion and I have one rule…."
Together they both recited, "Never in the butt!"
Hyperion added helpfully, "We may be semi-incestuous giants with a love for all things Judy Garland, but we're not freaks!"
"'eah!" Hagrid added fervently." "'hat 'oo 'ake us 'or, 'yan 'dams?"
Hyperion translated: "What'd you take us for, Ryan Adams?"
Just then Snape showed up, with that villainous look that only he (and possibly Alan Rickman) could pull off.
"If you want to survive Lord Voldemonkey, I suggest you do exactly as I say."
"I thought you were bad!" Hermione squeaked.
Snape raised one eyebrow comically and intoned, "That's the thing about me; everything I say is open to multiple interpretations."
Everyone looked around, not sure what to do, until Luna pointed out helpfully, "At least he's not Ryan Adams." With that sobering thought, they all decided to trust Snape; for now. Worst case scenario, they could always go back in time and re-cast his part with Dustin Diamond.
Snape explained how they were to defeat the foul-smelling Lord. "To attempt to smell him directly is too dangerous. We must fight fire with fire. Therefore, I have made up a potion which will allow you to strike back. The potion contains the following ingredients: 10 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, ten pounds of huevos rancheros, 10 pounds of Oreos, ten pounds of baked beans cooked in Jack Daniels' sauce, ten pounds of cauliflower soaked in cheese whiz, ten pounds of 'extra hot' hot wings, ten pounds of curried lamb and ten pounds of boiled cabbage."
Most of the group started getting sick just thinking about what the potion was going to taste like, let alone produce. Hagrid and Hyperion looked at each other, the same thought passing through each of their minds: Thank God we're not like Ryan Adams.
Persnicketedly Hermione pointed out, "This won't work for the girls because everyone knows that girls don't pass gas."
Snape raised that eyebrow again. "I assure you, Miss Granger, that the stinking foul mess that emanates from girls' backsides is no worse than what comes out from their fronts."
Everyone—even Draco—looked utterly aghast that Snape would make such a remark. Professor MacGonagall rose up to make a withering reply, then remembered she'd died several chapters ago and faded away. Finally Snape clarified, in that inimitable Snape-like way: "I was talking, of course, about the meaningless and in this case time-consuming and possibly life-dooming prattle that you ladies feel the need to spew out of your mouths nonstop."
The girls walked out red-faced and Hagrid asked Harry what Snape had said. When Harry repeated it Hagrid said, "'o, 'not the 'unny 'uice, then?"
After that it was all over but the final battle. I'd tell you more about it, but that would defeat the purpose of not telling you. Know only that everyone who was supposed to die died, everyone who was supposed to live lived, everyone who was supposed to get beaten got beaten, and it all came out well in the end.
If you know what I mean….