Saturday, July 31, 2010


Oh SyFy, how I love you!

Whatever you were planning for September 25th, cancel it.  You, me, and everybody are watching Sharktopus! It will be Mystery Science Theater 300,000!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Bargain Matinee

A few weeks ago I joined Amazon Associates, which allowed me (in theory) to make a small % if anyone bought an Amazon product based off my recommendation.  I was leery about this plan - I DON'T like the idea of pimping - but I reasoned that many of my columns discuss Movies and TV, and as long as I never compromised my professional Review opinion, why not?  After all, you have to buy the stuff somewhere, why not buy it by clicking on one of my links?

If you noticed (or maybe you didn't), I haven't done this a whole lot.  I never want my website to be Commercial, and am trying to use judicious selectivity. (That's why I wrote "in theory" in the above paragraph: so far no one has taken me up on my links.)

This brings me to yesterday, when I came across Movie prices so fantastic I couldn't pass them up.  And, I wanted to pass them on to you.  I'm not trying to be a corporate shill or anything, but wait until you see these prices.  If you do like any of the options, feel free to use my links.  Like I said, you'll be helping me out.

(The other reason I am doing this today: I can't guarantee how long the great prices will be available, so if you want it, snap it up now! Oh, and notice how I'm bringing you these great deals, which by definition lowers any commission I would make?  Yeah, I'm a hero.  Feel free to buy 3x as much because of this.)



I think we can all agree that Steven Soderberg hit it out of the park with the first OCEAN movie, as did Clooney, Pitt, et al.  The two sequels had their moments, but were kinda misfires.  That said, right now Amazon has all three current Ocean movies (OCEAN'S ELEVEN, OCEAN'S TWELVE, OCEAN'S THIRTEEN), plus also the 1960 Frank Sinatra Dean Martin original OCEAN'S 11 - all for $8.99.  What did I say about amazing prices?  I would pay $9 just for ELEVEN, so to get all four is an awesome deal. 


Next up in the recommendations is what Amazon is calling the "Extreme Action" set.  You get Wesley Snipes in PASSENGER 57 (which isn't great, but is strangely watchable because of all the cheesy lines).  Then you get Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans in an undeniably bad movie that I somehow love - THE LAST BOYSCOUT.  An underrated Arnold Schwarzenegger flick - also starring James Caan and a still-young-enough-to-be-super-hot Vanessa Williams - ERASER.  Finally, my favorite of the four - Bridget Fonda and Gabriel Byrne in the sultry sleek THE POINT OF NO RETURN. I always watch this movie when it comes on TV, and it's even better on DVD because no editing!  You get all four movies for only $7.99.  That's 2 bucks a movie!!!


What can I say about Police Academy movies?  You love them...or you suck!  I mean, c'mon!  They got that guy from M*A*S*H - great bad guy.  Hightower!  Oh, and the sound-effects guy.  What was his name?  Well, I forget, but he's played by Michael Winslow, and how we didn't come up with a way to continually put him in TV and movies for the last 20 years is a collective failure for America.  I think even Kim Cattrall was in one of the movies, back when she didn't need a walker and stuff.  Hell - they made Steve Gutenberg look good.  Beat that!

You get the first four Police Academy movies (POLICE ACADEMY, POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT, POLICE ACADEMY 3: BACK IN TRAINING and POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL) for $7.99.  Not even Kim Cattrall's that cheap!



I'm not as big a Sly fan as some people, but back in the day he still could bring it.  I do not recommend (but it's part of the package) - THE SPECIALIST (have you ever seen less chemistry than between Stallone and Stone? Ugh.), while I'm more so-so on OVER THE TOP. I have a soft spot in my heart for DEMOLITION MAN, mostly because it's our first look ever at Sandra Bullock and Wesley Snipes, who seems to be having a lot of fun.  But what makes this four-pack (for only $7.49!) a winner is TANGO AND CASH, which is just about my favorite Stallone movie. Whereas Sly and Sharon couldn't generate ANY heat, Kurt and Sly just tear up the screen.  Totally underrated mindless '80s movie, and makes the whole thing worth it. 


If Steven Seagal is in on the joke he's one of the greatest comedians of all time.  That's the thing with him - I can't tell.  He may actually be taking himself seriously....which makes him even funnier.  I haven't seen THE GLIMMER MAN, but it has another Wayans brother, and you can't tell me you've ever HATED any of them. I'm not saying they always make good stuff, but like the Baldwins, you can never just hate. FIRE DOWN BELOW is only so-so, and while Seagal's most famous movie is UNDER SIEGE, I never cared for it all that much, but hey, it's included. The one of these four I really kind of like is ABOVE THE LAW, which co-stars Sharon Stone, Pam Grier and Ron Silver, and has more cornball lines than an Iowa State Farm.  Always cracks me up, and for $7.49, not bad if you like Seagal. 


Stephen King series - DREAMCATCHER, CREEPSHOW, CAT'S EYE (and the one I sorta like) DOLORES CLAIRBORNE - $7.49

HOUSE PARTY 1-4 - only for the haircuts and some pretty dope fly jiggy music. ($7.99)

THE BACHELOR, BED OF ROSES, LAWS OF ATTRACTION, DON JUAN DEMARCO - chicks, don't ever say I do nothing for you.  I like about 15 minutes of LAWS OF ATTRACTION, and I can never get over how Marlon Brando is supposed to be sexy even looking like a bloated whale (not that I'm one to talk) - plus the DEMARCO one let's me tell my Bryan Adams story. You know the song (from the film) "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" - when Bryan sings "N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes" - well, you know how he draws out "eyes" for like 6 syllables, and makes it kinda hard to understand?  My mom was listening to that once with me and thought Bryan sang, "N' when you can see your unborn children in her a-a-ass."  (Do NOT tell her I told you that story or she will be super mad at me.) - $7.49

To make my friend Carlos happy - you can get four Dracula movies, of questionable quality, but hey. You can get HORROR OF DRACULA, DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE, THE BLOOD OF DRACULA and one I've actually seen (don't ask) - DRACULA A.D. Personally I feel these are only good if you're going to have a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type of party and make fun of them - which actually isn't a bad idea (and might get me to watch THE BACHELOR again) - but Carlos would want to defend the films as high quality. However, this is my column, not his, so they suck. ($7.49)


See actual movie reviews (instead of shameless shilling) that Hyperion has written at MOVIE HYPE

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Shower story pics I couldn't use

Over on HYPERION AFTER DARK I posted the story "Shower"

I had a lot of pictures for that story, too many to use in the text, but I liked the pictures, so I am posting the ones I didn't use here:

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K 
2. PU_S_ 
3. S_X 
4. P_N_S 
5. BOO_S 
6. _ _NDOM 


1. FORK 
3. SIX 

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Friday, July 16, 2010

New Trailers at INCEPTION

One of the cool things about seeing a Midnight Premiere of a new blockbuster movie is that you get the newest (and potentially bestest) Trailers.  INCEPTION was no exception. (heh heh...that rhymed!) There were six Trailers - five of them brand new! I have them below, along with a few comments.


My friend Carlos thinks TRON: LEGACY will be bigger than AVATAR.  I think it's more realistic to shoot for being bigger than AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER. Cool preview, though.


The first WALL STREET was fantastic.  No reason this one can't be good, too, I suppose, but I'm not clamoring for it.  I'm more curious to see if male movie-goers connect to the love interest (Carey Mulligan) having shorter hair than the guy (Shia LaBeouf).  Guys tend to like longer hair.  (Not that I'm judging you short haired gals.  Way to buck the trend and rely on your personalities to get men!)


"From the acclaimed Director of GONE BABY GONE" is scrawled up on screen, which made me giggle.  Not that GBG was a bad movie - it was terrific.  it's just that Ben Affleck directed it.  Affleck, whom I have criticized more than a few times for some of his acting choices and performances, DID do a great job directing that film, but he (still) has so little credibility that they have to downplay his role there, and hope people just remember it was a great film.  THE TOWN looks promising - set in Boston, about criminals...good stuff.  The only warning sign - Affleck is IN this one.  I'm not saying he can't ever give a good performance, but directing oneself is a different proposition than directing others.  I guess we'll see.


Do me a favor: watch the Trailer before you read the rest of this comment.  Are you back?  Good.  I thought the Trailer was incredibly bad-ass, as did everyone in the theater.  I will say, though, that when the credits started appearing at the end the Audience started laughing derisively and booing.  Just goes to show you what expectations can do, which is too bad, because this looks like a terrific concept.  I know I'm intrigued.

DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS - Most of you have seen this Trailer, so there's no need for extensive commentary, but check it out on YouTube if you haven't. (Looks pretty great.)


Zach Galifianakis went from not getting his Comedic due to being in every other movie coming out.  At some point he risks over-exposure, but I suppose you got to get it while it's hot if you're an actor.  Robert Downey Jr. has always had fantastic comic timing, and even though I got just the barest hint of "better on paper than in execution" feelings ("Let's put RDJ and ZG on the road together!"), I'm still optimistic this will be a scream.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Broccoli proposes Marriage

I'm not sure how I feel about Broccoli proposing marriage.  Ignoring the idea of - what woman would possibly like this - the bigger question: should a woman really marry Broccoli?

If not, what vegetable would be appropriate?

Sunday, July 11, 2010

How to Trick People into thinking you're good-looking

I've watched this video five times. It totally cracks me up.  The best part is...I think she's kidding, but I can't be 100% sure.

I know people who try to look like this.  I....wish I could name names.  Better let the video speak for itself.

Thanks to Adrienne for showing this to me.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Double Rainbow

Not sure what's better - the Double Rainbow, or the grown man crying like a baby when he finds it: