Monkey Barn

Ratbert Forever

2012-01-31T08:05:00.000-05:00

Ratbert's punchline is SOOOOOOOOO going to be my motto.

P.O.D. - Occupy Fridge

2012-01-10T15:28:00.001-05:00

Betty Crocker Cookies - Chocolate Mint Pinwheels

2011-12-17T04:00:00.000-05:00

Someone please make and send me these Chocolate Mint Pinwheel cookies from Betty Crocker.
Pleeeeeeeaze?

While you're at it, I wouldn't mind these Mint Chocolate Chip cookies either.

Herman Cain sings Beatles montage about Pizza

2011-10-17T17:17:00.001-04:00

[The following has nothing to do with politics in a traditional sense, either mine, yours or Mr. Cain's. It's more about how people make the major decisions in their lives.]

Herman Cain is a great story, but we all know he will not get the nomination, let alone the presidency. He will never fit the mold of expected conventionality the way a Perry or Romney or even Obama does.

It's too bad that someone with once-in-a-generation bravery and imagination isn't working for Cain, because this video below - back when Cain worked for the pizza industry, is goofy, inoffensive, and funny, but more than that, holds the one small sliver of out-of-the-box thinking that might get Cain to "stick" in people's minds the way that is necessary to get elected in the new world.

I am telling you with 100% sincerity that Herman Cain should start singing at all his campaign appearances. It would defy everything we know. It would make him a laughingstock, a source of constant late-night derision, angst and troubling echoes to a sordid racially charged past for American Entertainment and politics.

And it just might make Herman Cain the next president.

I know, you don't agree with me. I barely agree with me, and I'm a genius. It's almost impossible to wrap your head around it. It's so counter-intuitive.

People, the president is not your Mommy. He's not your Daddy, though that's what people seem to think, what they hope for. The president has never had the control over the Economy that people think. Read the Constitution: it's not even in his job description.

If the past 20 years have taught us nothing else - and they haven't - it's that the president cannot solve your problems, no matter how much you want him to. At some point people will grasp this on an unconscious level, even if they do not agree.

So what does that leave?

In the modern world, people need their president to give them something else, something different, not forced down their throats on the advice of marketing experts, but a part of who they are, a part that sticks out, gives people something else to think about. This is why the myriad low-grade controversies that followed Clinton actually helped him, they made him memorable and interesting. People don't want to consider the idea that they pick their president in the same way that they pick what to watch on Thursday Night TV, but they do.

Whatever politics and priorities a candidate says he has change once he becomes president, and is forced to deal with the reality, not the theory of his lofty goals. Whatever is left gets compromised - sometimes out of recognition, with his opponents, with the changing needs of the country and public zeitgeist, and that which does get put into Law never acts according to how it was drawn up.

In other words, the practical, real-world relationship a person has with their president is by far most influenced by the quality of the four-year reality show that the modern presidency is. The jokes. The family. The controversies. The scandals. The Fashion. The president's hobbies, his hopes, his tone of voice. How he ages in front of us, how he handles the big moments, how he handles disappointment, how he is able to surprise us, stir us, and simply stay on our minds.

Herman Cain could be that man. He won't do it and who could blame him? He wants what every candidate wants, to be taken seriously. No one running for president, particularly an African American, wants to be seen as a sideshow, Tonight's Entertainment.

But ironically, whether they admit it or not, that's what people are looking for. Imagine that.

Lyrics to Herman Cain's Pizza Beatles montage:

Imagine there's no pizza
I couldn't if I tried
Eating only tacos
Or Kentucky Fried
Imagine only burgers
It's frightening and sad

You're lucky you have pizza
To feed for kids for you
Only frosting or cookies
And no dishes you must do
Imagine eating pizza
Each and every day

You may say that it's junk food
But to me it's so much more
It gives my life its meaning
And it makes a lot of dough

Imagine mozzarella
Anchovies on the side
And maybe, pepperoni
Rounds out your pizza pie
Imagine getting pizza
Delivered to your door

You don't have to give up now
On my skateboard I will go
I'll be back in 30 minutes
I just bought Dominoes

All I am saying
Is give pizza a chance
All I am saying
Give pizza a chance!
All I am saying
Is give pizza a chance
All I am saying
You've got to, got to give pizza a chance!

P.O.D. - For their Own good

2011-10-12T08:45:00.000-04:00

Hail to the V

2011-08-27T13:31:00.000-04:00

This looks like a pretty sweet movie. I plan to be at the opening.....

Greatest Movie Insults

2011-08-19T19:15:00.001-04:00

The first group is better than the second, which makes sense because he hit more of the iconic stuff first time up. There were a few I didn't know, but I got most of 'em.

Trailer for 3 Musketeers

2011-07-01T18:56:00.002-04:00

Or as I like to call it, Pirates of the Musketeerian

Ragnar Bjarnason - Smells like...WTF?

2011-06-28T22:09:00.000-04:00

Ever wondered what Nirvana would sound like with a Finnish Band, Icelandic lounge-singer doing his best Latin-Acid Jazz? Get yer fill

P.O.D. - Family Haircut

2011-06-14T07:48:00.000-04:00

Transformers 3 Trailer

2011-05-21T02:37:00.002-04:00

Maybe this will erase the sting of part 2.

Real Steel

2011-05-11T19:13:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe they couldn't call this Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots. This could be unbelievably huge if it's well-made.

It's like TRANSFORMERS meets ROCKY

Skull Throne

2011-02-17T08:09:00.000-05:00

A new chair for your office.

Admittedly it doesn't have great back support, but you should get a lot more respect from co-workers.

Post Valentine's Comix

2011-02-15T07:58:00.002-05:00

Is it boobies? I'm guessing it's boobies.

I would totally do this.

Pimps and kids got it hard out there.

Valentine Thong

2011-02-14T11:56:00.002-05:00

I'm not generally in favor of thongs, but on this special day I can be open-minded.

Valentine's Statues

2011-02-14T11:07:00.000-05:00

Ah, Valentine's Day....where even the statues are gettin' it on....

Dark Side of the Lens

2010-12-09T17:27:00.001-05:00

Charles Bronson - Mandom Cologne (greatest commercial ever?)

2010-12-05T07:55:00.000-05:00

Allow me to make your day Awesome by showing you the greatest commercial in the history of television. I don't know what I love more, the homo-eroticism with the piano-player (where's his freaking date?), the Mickey Rooney doorman, or how he puts his cologne on by shooting bullets of it all over his skin. This commercial was made BEFORE Death Wish, which actually helps explain the movie. God bless the Japanese.

Super Awesome Christmas Hats from Hatland.com

2010-11-29T09:18:00.000-05:00

I like looking through the Hatland.com website because it's one of the few places that regularly stocks hats my size. I was browsing through the other day and saw a "Holiday" section, and simply loved these three.

Santa vs. Turkey (Who Ya Got?)

How on Earth has this not been made into a treasured Holiday special? (buy it here)

Christmas Lights

I think this looks sweet. Maybe I'm an idiot. They also had it in white, but black makes the most sense. (Buy it here)

Santa Skull

Don't know why, but this just spoke to me. (Buy it here)

IMPORTANT NOTE - all pictures are copyrighted by hatland.com - I hope they won't mind me borrowing them since I'm giving a plug. So you know, I do this of my own accord because I love the hats. I get no payment or kickback of any kind.

Cat vs. Cat. vs. Crow vs. Crow (Who Ya Got?)

2010-11-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like you've been in one of these fights? I have.

So what was it about?

ODDS
4-1 - over Territory
5-1 - over Food
8-1 - over Money
1-3 - over a chick.

It's always over a chick.

First Christmas Joke of 2010

2010-11-20T21:39:00.000-05:00

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes the spirit Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents the Advent Candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "The ringing of the bells."

Saint Peter nodded in approval and ushered the man in.

The third man has been searching desperately through his pockets the whole time and finally pulled out a pair of lacy red women's panties.

St. Peter stares at the man, raising his eyebrow in question. "And how how do these symbollize Christmas?"

The man says, "They're Carol's."

YOUR HIGHNESS Trailer

2010-11-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

I totally wasn't a fan of PINEAPPLE EXPRESS (by the same director) but this Trailer (WHICH IS R-RATED WITH SOME BAD LANGUAGE SO BE CAREFUL AT WORK) plays like PRINCESS BRIDE Starring KENNY POWERS. It looks absolutely hilarious.

Green Lantern Trailer

2010-11-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

Not sure if I'm excited about this or not.....

Spring Break - uh, Belly Dancer?

2010-11-12T00:40:00.002-05:00

Rather than make fun, I shall make it my goal this weekend to be as happy as she appears:

Shaq as Beyonce for Halloween

2010-11-03T16:22:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to say this, but Shaq makes for one fine-lookin' 7'1" 350 lb woman

Groovy Pumpkins

2010-10-29T12:24:00.001-04:00

Jadriana sent me this kick-ass Pumpkin song. "Blue Moon" is one of the best Oldies songs, and Pumpkins just makes it better!

"Stand back, fancy pants...I show you how to sing a classic....Maestro?"

Cee Lo Green - "F*** You!"

2010-10-25T13:23:00.001-04:00

I have been singing this song all night to cheer me up. There's no getting around it - the lyrics are not safe for work, as it contains swear words. That said, you might get away with it, as it's so cheerful in the best do-wop fashion. No matter how prudish you are when it comes to swearing. I defy you not to be charmed by Cee Lo's cheerful hatred. (by the way - "Cheerful Hatred" = Best Emo Band Name EVER)

by the way - when Cee Lo sings, "I pity the fool who falls in love with you" the back-up singers pop up and sing, "Oh shit, she's a gold digger.....just thought you should know nigga" - and they do it so cheerfully - it slays me. I know that word is very controversial and all and I'm not trying to litigate it here, but if ever there was a song that would make people smile at innocuous use, it's here.

Pre-Halloween Weekly Comics

2010-10-23T15:29:00.000-04:00

How chicks look at the world....

and how guys look at the world....

I've been saying this all week. Of course I am all alone in my room and never see anyone, but it's the thought that counts when it comes to comedy.

Finally - as usual, Andy says it better than I ever could....

if I ever go anywhere again, I will be saying this for sure.

woman hitting head

2010-10-15T01:06:00.003-04:00

Jay Pharoah's impressions

2010-09-25T17:37:00.000-04:00

Jay Pharoah makes his debut on Saturday Night Live tonight, known notably for his President Obama impression. Here are several impressions he does (the Obama one starts at about 6:14 in)

P.O.D. - Armful of Pussy

2010-08-10T10:04:00.005-04:00

In conjunction with August 10 - International Boop an Animal Day

Best Dilbert in years

2010-08-08T12:28:00.002-04:00

I am SO saying this the next time I'm overheard talking on the phone in public.

Inappropriate Joke #3

2010-08-06T14:32:00.000-04:00

Q: Why couldn't Heller Keller Drive?

A: She was a woman.

Inappropriate Joke #2

2010-08-06T14:21:00.000-04:00

3 men walk into a bar. One orders a beer, another orders a shot, and the last one orders a whiskey. I don't know how the rest of the joke goes but your mother is a whore.

Inappropriate Joke #1

2010-08-06T14:13:00.000-04:00

Over on International Day it is International Inappropriate Joke Day, and in honor of that, I felt I should do my part. Here's the first one.

Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of Rome.

One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

P.O.D. - Intrigue

2010-08-06T09:44:00.000-04:00

I have no idea what this picture means, but it totally intrigues me. I want to write a story about it.

Sharktopus

2010-07-31T09:16:00.000-04:00

Oh SyFy, how I love you!

Whatever you were planning for September 25th, cancel it. You, me, and everybody are watching Sharktopus! It will be Mystery Science Theater 300,000!

Bargain Matinee

2010-07-30T12:48:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago I joined Amazon Associates, which allowed me (in theory) to make a small % if anyone bought an Amazon product based off my recommendation. I was leery about this plan - I DON'T like the idea of pimping - but I reasoned that many of my columns discuss Movies and TV, and as long as I never compromised my professional Review opinion, why not? After all, you have to buy the stuff somewhere, why not buy it by clicking on one of my links?

If you noticed (or maybe you didn't), I haven't done this a whole lot. I never want my website to be Commercial, and am trying to use judicious selectivity. (That's why I wrote "in theory" in the above paragraph: so far no one has taken me up on my links.)

This brings me to yesterday, when I came across Movie prices so fantastic I couldn't pass them up. And, I wanted to pass them on to you. I'm not trying to be a corporate shill or anything, but wait until you see these prices. If you do like any of the options, feel free to use my links. Like I said, you'll be helping me out.

(The other reason I am doing this today: I can't guarantee how long the great prices will be available, so if you want it, snap it up now! Oh, and notice how I'm bringing you these great deals, which by definition lowers any commission I would make? Yeah, I'm a hero. Feel free to buy 3x as much because of this.)

SOLID RECOMMENDATIONS

MOTION IN THE OCEAN

I think we can all agree that Steven Soderberg hit it out of the park with the first OCEAN movie, as did Clooney, Pitt, et al. The two sequels had their moments, but were kinda misfires. That said, right now Amazon has all three current Ocean movies (OCEAN'S ELEVEN, OCEAN'S TWELVE, OCEAN'S THIRTEEN), plus also the 1960 Frank Sinatra Dean Martin original OCEAN'S 11 - all for $8.99. What did I say about amazing prices? I would pay $9 just for ELEVEN, so to get all four is an awesome deal.

ENOUGH ACTION TO PUT YOU IN TRACTION

Next up in the recommendations is what Amazon is calling the "Extreme Action" set. You get Wesley Snipes in PASSENGER 57 (which isn't great, but is strangely watchable because of all the cheesy lines). Then you get Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans in an undeniably bad movie that I somehow love - THE LAST BOYSCOUT. An underrated Arnold Schwarzenegger flick - also starring James Caan and a still-young-enough-to-be-super-hot Vanessa Williams - ERASER. Finally, my favorite of the four - Bridget Fonda and Gabriel Byrne in the sultry sleek THE POINT OF NO RETURN. I always watch this movie when it comes on TV, and it's even better on DVD because no editing! You get all four movies for only $7.99. That's 2 bucks a movie!!!

OFFICIAL STONE-CUTTERS RECOMMENDATION

What can I say about Police Academy movies? You love them...or you suck! I mean, c'mon! They got that guy from M*A*S*H - great bad guy. Hightower! Oh, and the sound-effects guy. What was his name? Well, I forget, but he's played by Michael Winslow, and how we didn't come up with a way to continually put him in TV and movies for the last 20 years is a collective failure for America. I think even Kim Cattrall was in one of the movies, back when she didn't need a walker and stuff. Hell - they made Steve Gutenberg look good. Beat that!

You get the first four Police Academy movies (POLICE ACADEMY, POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT, POLICE ACADEMY 3: BACK IN TRAINING and POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL) for $7.99. Not even Kim Cattrall's that cheap!

MILD (VERY MILD) RECOMMENDATIONS

ON THE SLY

I'm not as big a Sly fan as some people, but back in the day he still could bring it. I do not recommend (but it's part of the package) - THE SPECIALIST (have you ever seen less chemistry than between Stallone and Stone? Ugh.), while I'm more so-so on OVER THE TOP. I have a soft spot in my heart for DEMOLITION MAN, mostly because it's our first look ever at Sandra Bullock and Wesley Snipes, who seems to be having a lot of fun. But what makes this four-pack (for only $7.49!) a winner is TANGO AND CASH, which is just about my favorite Stallone movie. Whereas Sly and Sharon couldn't generate ANY heat, Kurt and Sly just tear up the screen. Totally underrated mindless '80s movie, and makes the whole thing worth it.

WHEN BUDDHA MET BLACKBELT

If Steven Seagal is in on the joke he's one of the greatest comedians of all time. That's the thing with him - I can't tell. He may actually be taking himself seriously....which makes him even funnier. I haven't seen THE GLIMMER MAN, but it has another Wayans brother, and you can't tell me you've ever HATED any of them. I'm not saying they always make good stuff, but like the Baldwins, you can never just hate. FIRE DOWN BELOW is only so-so, and while Seagal's most famous movie is UNDER SIEGE, I never cared for it all that much, but hey, it's included. The one of these four I really kind of like is ABOVE THE LAW, which co-stars Sharon Stone, Pam Grier and Ron Silver, and has more cornball lines than an Iowa State Farm. Always cracks me up, and for $7.49, not bad if you like Seagal.

I CAN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE RECOMMEND ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, BUT THE PRICES ARE FANTASTIC, SO IF YOU'RE INTO IT, HAVE AT IT

Stephen King series - DREAMCATCHER, CREEPSHOW, CAT'S EYE (and the one I sorta like) DOLORES CLAIRBORNE - $7.49

HOUSE PARTY 1-4 - only for the haircuts and some pretty dope fly jiggy music. ($7.99)

THE BACHELOR, BED OF ROSES, LAWS OF ATTRACTION, DON JUAN DEMARCO - chicks, don't ever say I do nothing for you. I like about 15 minutes of LAWS OF ATTRACTION, and I can never get over how Marlon Brando is supposed to be sexy even looking like a bloated whale (not that I'm one to talk) - plus the DEMARCO one let's me tell my Bryan Adams story. You know the song (from the film) "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" - when Bryan sings "N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes" - well, you know how he draws out "eyes" for like 6 syllables, and makes it kinda hard to understand? My mom was listening to that once with me and thought Bryan sang, "N' when you can see your unborn children in her a-a-ass." (Do NOT tell her I told you that story or she will be super mad at me.) - $7.49

To make my friend Carlos happy - you can get four Dracula movies, of questionable quality, but hey. You can get HORROR OF DRACULA, DRACULA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE, THE BLOOD OF DRACULA and one I've actually seen (don't ask) - DRACULA A.D. Personally I feel these are only good if you're going to have a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type of party and make fun of them - which actually isn't a bad idea (and might get me to watch THE BACHELOR again) - but Carlos would want to defend the films as high quality. However, this is my column, not his, so they suck. ($7.49)

ONLY IF YOU'RE DESPERATE

Urban Action Collection: 4 Film Favorites (Black Belt Jones / Black Samson / Hot Potato / Three the Hard Way) ($8.49)

Richard Pryor Collection: 4 Film Favorites (Greased Lightning / Moving / The Mack / Uptown Saturday Night) ($7.49)

Elvis Presley Musicals: 4 Film Favorites (Kissin' Cousins / Live a Little Love a Little / Girl Happy / Tickle Me) ($7.49)

Elvis Presley Classics: 4 Film Favorites (Jailhouse Rock / It Happened at the World's Fair / Stay Away Joe / Charro) ($7.99)

See actual movie reviews (instead of shameless shilling) that Hyperion has written at MOVIE HYPE

Return to theHyperion Institute Home Page (and possibly win a prize)

Shower story pics I couldn't use

2010-07-27T17:05:00.000-04:00

Over on HYPERION AFTER DARK I posted the story "Shower"

I had a lot of pictures for that story, too many to use in the text, but I liked the pictures, so I am posting the ones I didn't use here:

Alzheimer's Test

2010-07-17T07:16:00.000-04:00

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

New Trailers at INCEPTION

2010-07-16T21:22:00.000-04:00

One of the cool things about seeing a Midnight Premiere of a new blockbuster movie is that you get the newest (and potentially bestest) Trailers. INCEPTION was no exception. (heh heh...that rhymed!) There were six Trailers - five of them brand new! I have them below, along with a few comments.

TRON: LEGACY

My friend Carlos thinks TRON: LEGACY will be bigger than AVATAR. I think it's more realistic to shoot for being bigger than AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER. Cool preview, though.

WALL STREET 2: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS

The first WALL STREET was fantastic. No reason this one can't be good, too, I suppose, but I'm not clamoring for it. I'm more curious to see if male movie-goers connect to the love interest (Carey Mulligan) having shorter hair than the guy (Shia LaBeouf). Guys tend to like longer hair. (Not that I'm judging you short haired gals. Way to buck the trend and rely on your personalities to get men!)

THE TOWN

"From the acclaimed Director of GONE BABY GONE" is scrawled up on screen, which made me giggle. Not that GBG was a bad movie - it was terrific. it's just that Ben Affleck directed it. Affleck, whom I have criticized more than a few times for some of his acting choices and performances, DID do a great job directing that film, but he (still) has so little credibility that they have to downplay his role there, and hope people just remember it was a great film. THE TOWN looks promising - set in Boston, about criminals...good stuff. The only warning sign - Affleck is IN this one. I'm not saying he can't ever give a good performance, but directing oneself is a different proposition than directing others. I guess we'll see.

DEVIL

Do me a favor: watch the Trailer before you read the rest of this comment. Are you back? Good. I thought the Trailer was incredibly bad-ass, as did everyone in the theater. I will say, though, that when the credits started appearing at the end the Audience started laughing derisively and booing. Just goes to show you what expectations can do, which is too bad, because this looks like a terrific concept. I know I'm intrigued.

DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS - Most of you have seen this Trailer, so there's no need for extensive commentary, but check it out on YouTube if you haven't. (Looks pretty great.)

DUE DATE

Zach Galifianakis went from not getting his Comedic due to being in every other movie coming out. At some point he risks over-exposure, but I suppose you got to get it while it's hot if you're an actor. Robert Downey Jr. has always had fantastic comic timing, and even though I got just the barest hint of "better on paper than in execution" feelings ("Let's put RDJ and ZG on the road together!"), I'm still optimistic this will be a scream.

PIRANHA 3D Trailer

2010-07-14T22:04:00.000-04:00

Holy Cow this is awesome!

Broccoli proposes Marriage

2010-07-13T18:01:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how I feel about Broccoli proposing marriage. Ignoring the idea of - what woman would possibly like this - the bigger question: should a woman really marry Broccoli?

If not, what vegetable would be appropriate?

How to Trick People into thinking you're good-looking

2010-07-11T03:46:00.000-04:00

I've watched this video five times. It totally cracks me up. The best part is...I think she's kidding, but I can't be 100% sure.

I know people who try to look like this. I....wish I could name names. Better let the video speak for itself.

Thanks to Adrienne for showing this to me.

Double Rainbow

2010-07-03T15:29:00.002-04:00

Not sure what's better - the Double Rainbow, or the grown man crying like a baby when he finds it:

HE-MAN THE MOVIE

2010-06-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

I'm sure it's not real, but MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, the movie? Sweet!

"I HAVE THE POWERRRRRR!!!!"

Green Hornet Trailer

2010-06-22T14:07:00.002-04:00

I've never been a fan of Seth Rogen, so part of me is 'spicious....but I'm willing to keep an open mind:

P.O.D. - Ummmmmmm

2010-06-21T08:52:00.000-04:00

F-My-Life - Longest Day Edition

2010-06-21T08:48:00.000-04:00

Bringing back an Oldie but a Goody.....

From the hilarious website http://www.fmylife.com/ (where people post about their misfortunes), I have collected some of my favorites, along with my even funnier responses. Enjoy

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML [She picked the wrong pole to walk into!]

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML [Knowing this Fucked-up Country, he probably sued.]

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML [People, I'm going to tell you what I tell all prospective newly-weds who seek my counsel. You need: 3 bank accounts (His, Hers and Y'alls), 2 Bathrooms, 1 Bed and 0 Kids. But whatever you do, get separate bathrooms. You'll thank me later. ]

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML [I think I'm in love]

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML [Should have waited for a commercial]

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML [Have you ever met someone who says "Frisky"? Me, neither.]

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tommorow. FML [I love how she only realizes she's "wrong" because of the incorrect date, as if keying the car otherwise was justified. As if he couldn't have had a family emergency, be in the hospital, made the same good-faith error of thinking it was the wrong day or maybe just REALIZING YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO WHO WOULD KEY A CAR OVER BEING STOOD UP WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO FIND OUT ANY DETAILS.]

Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML [Women go to the bathroom?]

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML [Who pretends to make-out with a friend's dog? This wouldn't top the Comedy scale in Iowa, honest-to-God Iowa! Maybe he misunderstood what Penthouse Letters meant by Doggy-style.]

Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML [Tar Heel Women: not exactly making Ken Jennings look over his shoulder, ya know?]

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML [Chicks...you try to be supportive and accepting, but it's never enough, is it?]

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML [In general I hate conflict, but here I think I would have to make an exception. Tell me that's not a Family Reunion worth attending!]

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML [I don't know what's worse: having your Family think you're gay, or getting fruitcake for Christmas.]

Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML [This is why I only write bitter songs. (That and the fact that I'm always bitter....)]

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML [Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Of course you are: WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH???]

Today, I was working as a counselor at a fat camp. The kids bet me I couldn't do a sit-up while blindfolded. Never one to turn down a bet from minors, I set out to prove them wrong. When I sat up, my nose went right into a fat kid's buttcrack. FML [If you're going to spend your Summer as a Counselor at a Fat Camp AND be and idiot, you pretty much deserve whatever Karma has in store for you]

Today, as I was taking a shit in the men's bathroom at a local bar. A man rushes in the bathroom to puke. All the stalls were taken. He kicks in my door and tells me to get out. I say "No, I'm taking a shit". Without warning he pukes all over me, punches me in the face and runs away. FML [With the puking I just felt sorry for the guy - but you have to admit the Punch in the Face raises it to pure Art. Gotta admire that, if only for the Pure Genius Evil]

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML [Hey, it could be worse. If she REALLY wanted him to be like Edward she'd have cut off his dick....]

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML [Again, how can you be mad at pure Genius like that? I've read this 50 times and it ALWAYS makes me chuckle. I'm way too nice a person to pull this off, but damn if it wouldn't be fun to try.]

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML [My love for you is on Fire!]

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML [Those pussy pics will get you every time....]

Monday Comics

2010-06-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

This explains my system perfectly.

Chicks; you just can't make 'em happy

I'm going to use this....

Aren't we ignoring the strong possibility that JPS WAS a Ninja?

See what can happen?

This would be my reaction too....damn Unicorns!

I'm going to start doing this.

[...speechless.....]

Is this true? Do women really not think they look good in green? Come to think of it, you don't see a lot of green in fashion. Hmmmm....

I bet chicks would really go for this. They already love to gamble. (See: bad relationships; Fashion Choices)

One of the more wise things a cat has ever said.

I am utterly convinced many people who know me do this on a regular basis.

That's why Tennis has "love"

This was me, as a kid

THE LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR DESERVES AN EXTRA-LONG SELECTION OF COMICS FOR YOU TO ENJOY

I hate drinking but even I gotta admit- that's funny!

"Cons - everything else" has just become one of my new personal mottos.

I DARE you to do this next time one of these yayhoos comes to your door.

P.O.D. - Sexy Gangster Shoes

2010-06-14T08:30:00.000-04:00

Even I think these are kinda cool. Thanks to Jadriana for the pic.

P.O.D. - Tasmanian Devil Babies

2010-06-11T04:18:00.000-04:00

Lady Gaga - Telephone

2010-06-08T07:27:00.000-04:00

Glory jee to bezus - this is the first Lada Gaga video I've ever seen and...whoa. It was recommended to my by a friend of mine, who may or may not need serious psychiatric help. I'm either going to have to write a 3000 word column on Lady G. or else never think about her again as long as I live.

Weekly Comic Roundup

2010-06-07T12:25:00.000-04:00

This must be how a Schizophrenic feels

As I find myself saying almost once a week with Andy Capp, this will be my new motto.

Ladies, raise your hand if this is you. Be honest!

I saw my mom pull off this move a couple of times as a kid.

You could get me to check out any potential noise by selling me on the idea that not only was there a burglar, but he quite possibly was eating my pie AT THAT VERY MOMENT!!!

I like this. Women have to keep guys on their toes, so they don't get too complacent. Jealousy is an ugly thing, but every woman wants her man to be just a little bit jealous. (At least according to my buddy Satchamo.)

You KNOW guys have already tried this.

Sigh. If only....

Kia Soul - "Hamsterdam" - I WANT ONE

2010-06-05T21:04:00.000-04:00

I now know my purpose in Life. It is to own this car. (I'm thinking metallic blue or purple.)

I want to rob banks and make cool getaways in this car. I want to be the Hamster Bonnie and Clyde.

If you have this car in a cool color and a larcenous/murderous heart, I am for sale.

P.O.D. - The things we do for Bacon

2010-06-01T12:39:00.000-04:00

Searching for a Hippo picture for my Bacon Top Ten list I ran across this. Is it the Awesomest picture in the Universe? I'm inclined to vote yes.

Rumor #3

2010-05-30T16:42:00.000-04:00

Health experts are quietly warning of a new menace to women visiting the beach, beyond sharks, sunburn and European men in Speedos: VSD. Vaginal-Silica Disease, or what beach residents call "Sandy Vagina." Most sand is made of Silica (Silicon Dioxide, SiO2), usually in the form of crushed quartz, which most of us know as sand. The problem is the chemical reactions of the Silicon Dioxide with the inner lining of the cervix. Women and Silicone have had a troubled history. In the late '80s and early '90s there was a scare with Silicone Breast Implants, and Dow Chemical even had to stop making most of their Silicone implants.

Apparently something very similar is happening again. "Certain women react toxically to Silicon Dioxide, or sand," said Dr. Ramalla of Atlanta's CDC in an interview on Friday. "Sand gets into the vagina, and effectively starts shredding the inner wall." Doctors in Florida have reported a 49% increase in incidents of Environmental Endometriosis, just one of the possible complications. More common are reports of increased irritability, moodiness and irrational thoughts, although as one anonymous RN put it, "You put sand up my [vagina], I'm gonna be pissy, too." It is not known if something in the water is chemically altering the sand, or if the problem stems from the much skimpier bathing suits currently in vogue on Florida's beaches.

Rumor #2

2010-05-30T16:29:00.000-04:00

Oprah may be preparing to step away from the Airwaves next June but is not quite ready to give up her Empire. AP is reporting that HARPO Inc. (the company that syndicates Oprah's show) is negotiating with the 2245 stations where Oprah is currently seen to keep the timeslot when the mogul retires. To do that she needs a replacement with star power. Later this year, during a planned 3 week hiatus, rather than re-runs AP reports that Oprah will give three different people auditions. Each audition will be a week's worth of shows, and they will run under Oprah's name. The identity of these three guest-hosts has been a closely guarded secret, but TMZ is reporting that former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, reality-star Kate Gosselin and Lindsay Lohan will get the nods. Palin's star power is obvious and it is thought she would be able to hold the "middle America" audience. Gosselin has recently made a name for herself too with her show (and the headline-grabbing aftermath) of "Jon and Kate Plus 8." The real surprise is Lohan, but TMZ reports that Oprah met the movie star several years ago (right after MEAN GIRLS) and the two hit it off. "Oprah really likes her," said a confidential source, "And thinks Lindsay has real potential. All the problems she's had have been because of the Hollywood machine, and Oprah thinks with the right guidance Lindsay could be fantastic." The shows are scheduled to tape in late July and to air in August.

Rumor #1

2010-05-30T16:26:00.000-04:00

Fresh off the sad news of Gary Coleman's passing this week (due to complications from a stroke) comes word that Emmanuel Lewis (known to most as the lovable "Webster") was bitten by a shark off the coast of Pensacola, Fla. on Saturday. Hospital and Police officials were not identifying the name of the person rushed to Baptist Hospital late Saturday night other than to say it is an adult male in his late 30s or early 40s, but numerous reports indicate it is indeed Lewis.

Hilarious Luvs commercial - What it's like for an Only Child

2010-05-29T22:01:00.000-04:00

Normally I just HATE Diaper companies, but this video is hilarious. It won a Clio. Well done, Luvs!

Sometimes You're the Lion....

2010-05-26T13:36:00.000-04:00

Bull Gores Man

2010-05-26T13:25:00.000-04:00

I'm not animal-rights guy (not by a long-shot), but I don't like bull-fights. They start by stabbing the bull through the head several times to give him brain damage, and the whole thing just seems cruel. Anyway, a chance to see a BULL GORE A BULLFIGHTER THROUGH THE CHIN? I'm in.

This explains everything but MommyBlogging

2010-04-24T23:33:00.002-04:00

Asian Whitney Houston

2010-04-13T23:01:00.000-04:00

Is it wrong that I feel kinda turned on by Asian Whitney Houston?

Drawing with Sand

2010-04-11T00:50:00.002-04:00

This is a touch long, but amazing to watch. A Ukrainian woman won the equivalent of "America's Got Talent." Thanks to Dragon for sending the link.

Relationship on Skype

2010-04-11T00:33:00.002-04:00

If I get this to work, it's an interview with a woman who thinks she has found "the one," but has not (as of yet) actually met the man in question.

P.O.D. - Hooray! The Oscars are here!

2010-03-05T03:29:00.001-05:00

The Academy Awards are almost upon us! Time to put on your fancy dress and dancing shoes!!!

P.O.D. - Two Dogs

2010-03-04T01:22:00.001-05:00

andy

2010-03-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

Sometimes Girls make it too easy

The more I read of Andy, the more of a hero he is. That's the kind of person I am too!

Ouch.

That's my personal motto.

How is this not considerate? I ask you, how? There are even going to be Sandwiches!!! What's not to love?

Squirrel Pickles

2010-03-03T10:12:00.001-05:00

"Squirrel Pickle" sounds interesting. "Pickle Squirrel" sounds gross.

[no comment]

My mom does this all the time.

Can't Get Enuf Garf

2010-03-03T05:43:00.001-05:00

alkdsdf

This is totally my sister when it comes to petting her hair

I know people like this. You're probably reading!

This explains my whole life.....

sdflkassdfd

P.O.D. - Sale?

2010-03-03T01:42:00.000-05:00

Everything must go....especially those clothes!

P.O.D. - The secret to clean walls

2010-03-02T00:39:00.001-05:00

P.O.D. - March comes in like a .....

2010-03-01T02:37:00.001-05:00

I know I'm scrrrrd.

Chicks are so Insensitive

2010-02-14T21:02:00.002-05:00

Alexander McQueen: Old Mother Hubbard's Worst Nightmare

2010-02-12T13:15:00.000-05:00

I saw the news that Alexander McQueen died, which is sad. (Not to me personally, as I didn't know him, but he was only 40 and died by his own hand, and if that wasn't enough, I heard the news while I was watching a Law & Order SVU that centered around the right to take your own life, which added to the galvony.)

McQueen was a Fashion Designer, known especially for his shoes. I looked some of them up and my eyes almost popped. Love them or Hate them (and at first glance I did some of both), McQueen's designs are utterly memorable.

Also - not for nothin' - but did McQueen hate women? I'm not sure how if chicks can even walk in these shoes! Anway, I pulled a few of the ones I liked, didn't like or wasn't sure. In all cases, I won't soon forget Alexander McQueen.

SHOES I DESPISE

Ugh! You'd have to be a Feather-Brain to wear these Feather shoes. And what's up with that strap? It's so ruins whatever effect he's going for, like a Monster Movie where you can see the puppet wires.

I'm almost positive I would break up with a girl if she had these shoes. Not for the shoes themselves (what a waste of cool black gemstones!) but because it tells you in shorthand everything you need to know about the girl. Twenty bucks says that within a month she'd be demanding to use a strap-on with you - and that wasn't a high-heel reference!

More Feathers? I want to hide.

Mother of Thereisnogod - what would possess a woman to wear any of these shoes? I wouldn't break up with a woman if I saw her wearing these - I'd call Animal Control!

SHOES NOT REALLY FOR ME, BUT I CAN SEE HOW SOME WOMEN WOULD GO FOR THEM

These are silly, but they have a little somethin'-somethin' going for them. I'd probably laugh, but any woman with the courage to try these (who also didn't take herself too seriously) would be okay in my book.

Even more ridiculous, or possibly cooler - I can't decide which. By the way, shows you what a dork I am (looking into the practicality and all) - but my favorite part of these is the ankle-wrap - might help reduce swelling!

Tries a little too hard, but not offensive in any way.

Ditto here.

You gotta tip your had to any woman brave enough to combine metal and leather in such a unique way. By the way - any chick I see wearing these gets called "Slinky" for the rest of her life.

While I would not only fear for my life, but my very soul if I saw a woman wearing these...Gladiator heels? - I wouldn't run away, either. At least, not at first.

A friend once told me that seeing a particular pair of shoes in a store window made her "clit quiver." (her words, NOT mine) I can't say I completely understand the feeling - although when I got my only pair of Air Jordans I did feel kinda funny - but anyway, these last few pairs all have a pretty high "Wow" factor. wouldn't blame you for some quivering. Wouldn't blame you a bit.

SHOES I LIKE

Simple, refined, elegant, and yet spectacular. Pretty damn awesome.

While something about the color reminds me of my grandma's lipstick, I have to admit these shoes are really nice. I don't think I would want to sleep with a woman who was wearing them, but I would definitely trust her to sell my house.

Okay, maybe the Heart cut-outs are a little too "Rachael Ray on the Town," but c'mon - alligator shoes! I like 'em.

[Hyperion says nothing but simply whistles, low-pitched and softly, very impressed by the passion and hypnotic grace in the shoes.]

Okay, now here's a shoe that GETS IT. The soul of a Biker-Babe jacket - with the skull zipper, pulled down just to give a peek - these shoes are over-the-top but in this case that's a good thing. I generally don't like heels that have so many damn material to them - but I throw out all the rules, here. A shoe that is in on the joke, funny and sexy. They got everything but a steel toe!

Feel free to send me more McQueen shoes if they speak to you passionately and I will post them later. For now I leave you with one more - and the scary thing is, I honestly don't know if he meant women to wear this. What scares me more - some would.

Truth In Comics

2010-02-12T12:17:00.000-05:00

A couple of Comics to brighten your day...

OMFH! - I can so so so so relate!

Every mother in the world is nodding in agreement right now

New 9/11 Photos

2010-02-12T09:11:00.000-05:00

New Pictures (not seen by the public) taken above the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001 were recently released. I know it may not be very Valentinsey (or Abraham Lincolney for that matter), but it is important - no, Essential - that the impact, devastation and damage of the day not fade into sanitized memory. I don't have funny or even thoughtful commentary to add; the pictures speak for themselves. I have other posts today to celebrate Love, Romance and and a full beard, but for now, take a few moments and let these photographs burn into your retinas and sear your mind's eye.

What else is there?

2010-02-08T07:38:00.000-05:00

I was going to make a list of things I regret, but then I didn't. I regret not making that list.

...And the moment Man does come up with a way Woman will "accidentally" brush her sideboob against his arm and Man will be done for.

I was trying to decide what joke to go with, and couldn't decide between something along the lines of "What they lose in mph on their fastball they make up for with craftiness" or something along the lines of "I'm a big fan of the Farm system." Now that I think about it, I wish I had worked on developing a "you can send them out on the mound every 5 days and feel comfortable that they'll give you 6 good innings and won't be upset if they take a pounding" type of joke. Sigh. Next time.

[Afraid to say anything...]

Oh Garfie!

2010-02-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

A couple recent favorite Garfields:

Craziest Political Ad You'll Ever See

2010-02-06T11:16:00.002-05:00

Touche

2010-02-01T08:16:00.000-05:00

Rocawear 9IX

2009-12-14T03:08:00.000-05:00

I've never been a fan of cologne, but maybe I'm all turned around on the subject....

This is Norway

2009-12-01T01:23:00.003-05:00

My friend Vibeke sent me this. It's one of the funniest videos I have ever seen.

I could watch this video twenty times.

"....then in 1960 we invented oil....our babies are born with skis on their feet...." Good Times

F*** My Life - Sex & Cookies Edition

2009-11-01T07:47:00.001-05:00

More from FMyLife.com (plus my comments!)

WARNING: SNARK AHEAD. USE CAUTION IF YOU'RE PRONE TO TOTAL BITCHITUDE

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML [Hyperion - You say C-Section, I say frigid.]

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML [Hyperion - Just one more reason not to say "Bless You"]

Today, I was at the beach and I met a surfer with scars all over his back. Trying to make conversation, I asked "So how'd you get those cool scars? Coral?" To which he replied "Horrific childhood abuse, actually. But yeah, they're pretty cool." FML [H - If you had real balls your next move is to ask him if his mom is seeing anyone]

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML [Hyperion - I so have to tell Monk about this. He'll get a kick out of it.]

Today, my five-year-old came home from summer camp crying because her friends and counselors had all laughed at her when she couldn't identify colors correctly during a game. My husband then confessed that he had taught her colors wrong because he thought it would be funny. FML [Hyperion - I bet money most of you are horrified by the father, but (perhaps inadvertantly), it's actually fabulous parenting, and I'm not even kidding. If you look at the big picture, the kid got laughed at once. She's young, and can learn them correctly. What this teaches the child, though, is to question the "official" story. If this lesson can take root, that kid is way better off than the hurt caused by a bad afternoon.]

Today, after a fight with my sister, I took a shower. While rinsing out my "conditioner" I realized with horror what my sister had done for revenge. Her bottle of Nair was empty, my bottle of conditioner was full, and my hair was being washed down the drain. FML [H - This sounds like bullshit to me, but let us grant it as true: what would a girl have to do to you for you to do that in return?]

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML [Hyperion - Being unmarried (and therefore a virgin) I know nothing of these things. But I always thought women would like that!]

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML [Hyperion - Why have I never thought of this? I am so doing this from now on.]

Today, I had sex with my fiancee. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML [Hyperion - Here's the true tragedy: I gaurandamntee you, I mean, I bet my life on it, that she looked at the other pairs, and if they were larger sizes than her own...she felt a little bit better. Don't even front, ladies. You know you'd do the same.]

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML [H - What an amateur. He could have had her drive, breaking up with her at his curb after it was over. That way he could drink during the movie!]

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML [H - The best way I can think of to ruin a hundred kids' lives without becoming a pedophile.]

Today, I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML [H - Hey, it could be worse. He could ask to join in, and you know the pressure to get along with your girlfriend's dad....]

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML [H - I never thought of this. Next time my sister drinks I am going to try to get her to do this. Hmmmm. On second thought, I can see it somehow going horribly wrong. By the way, Lacey was obviously the girl from the FML right above this one, yes?]

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML [H - That is pretty much instant anullment, right, ladies?]

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML [Hyperion - Am I crazy, or should one of those "all in the same house" reality shows introduce lizards and 2500 baby crickets as an element of drama?]

Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML [H - I have heard of Doggy Style, but that is just ridiculous. (Thank you; I will be here all the week!)]

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML [H - Sex & Cookies and she is still complaining - WHAT DO YOU BITCHES WANT???]

Breastfeeding

2009-11-01T07:14:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't know, but dammit, I wish I did

I love me some Comics

2009-11-01T05:49:00.000-05:00

Some of my favorite recent comics

For one of the first times ever, Garfield speaks for me

Honest is whatever a woman bloody tells you it is

Genius!

Parents say they want their kids to get excited about learning, but they never mean it

Dream large, good sir. Dream those dreams!!!!!!

Men and Women - the Battle rages......

2009-10-24T13:09:00.001-04:00

Top Opening Title Sequences

2009-10-15T07:03:00.003-04:00

So, TV.com has named their TOP 15 OPENING TITLE SEQUENCES. All things considered it is a decent list.

Kudos to TV.com to get Cowboy Bebop in there (seriously) at #14. In fact, I can't really hate on any of the openings they picked. (Even Sex And The City has an iconic feel to it.) I was sad not to see M*A*S*H, but if I'm honest, it's more memorable to me because of the music and how often I've seen it. Doesn't really compare to some of the others. A little shocked no A-Team, but maybe that's just me.

But I don't care what rationale you're using - leaving out Deadwood is unforgivable. DO I NEED TO LECTURE YOU ABOUT SIDEBOOB, PEOPLE?????? In fact, I had Deadwood as a clear #1 until just recently. TV.com's #1 is the only possible one better than Deadwood's. Before you go look at their list - take a look. It's more than just the giant sideboob, but that alone....

Esquire names Kate Beckinsale Sexiest Woman Alive

2009-10-15T06:59:00.003-04:00

Esquire Magazine have named Kate Beckinsale the Sexiest Woman Alive.

I'm a fan of Kate's, and have been since way back in the day (MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING). We all know she jumped up a level or six with UNDERWORLD and has been going strong since.

But Sexiest Woman Alive? Not buying it. I personally know a woman way sexier than Kate.

But I will let you decide:

Andy Capp on Excuses....

2009-10-12T20:40:00.001-04:00

Oh, Andy......

Obama's Checklist (SNL)

2009-10-05T07:40:00.004-04:00

I don't watch Saturday Night Live, but I'd heard they opened Saturday with a scathing anti-Obama skit. THAT was scathing? Goes to show you how liberal the show really is where a relatively mild (and wholly inaccurate) skit earns such shocked oooohs. I mean, there's a decent point there that on quite a few issues the movement has slowed down. Perhaps President Obama takes too long, or just cannot "Get 'er done." On the other hand, whether you were happy with the actions taken or not, was anyone else around the first four months? The Federal government spent like six-hundred trillion dollars. They committed to more debt than in the history of debt - not the history of American debt - the history of all debt put together. I'm not saying that was good or bad - that depends on your view of what was done, and how much it might accomplish in the long run. (And of course it also depends on what actually gets accomplished - something no one can be sure of at this point.)

Anyway, whatever you think of all that, you can't say it was nothing. Still, the skit was decent. One final note: the actor playing President Obama does his best, and once you get used to his style you can tell where he is trying to match Obama's cadence in certain situations. However, as much as the guy tries, he just doesn't sound like Obama. If you didn't know you were listening to an Obama parody, it would take awhile to figure out.

There are two types of ways to play a real person. One is dead-one mimicry, and the other is to exaggerate a well-known physical or behavioral trait of the person. With mimicry the humor comes from the context of the words, where as exaggeration gives you leg up going in. The problem with copying Obama is that he has a modulated medium-sounding voice. He does have a somewhat distinct cadence, but his voice is relatively devoid of emotion. That's kind of who he is, kind of just cool under fire.

I don't know what the solution is, but any show who wants to do parodies of Obama - their best bet is not to have the resident black cast member give it a shot - but find the best person to get the voice and physical tics - white, black, or miscellaneous, and work on "coloring" from there. Just a thought. Here's the skit.

oval office message
by postertube

Harry Potter in the Hood

2009-09-19T21:41:00.002-04:00

"My name is Harry P., to the O, to the T, to the T, to the E, to the R, you see....."

very well done. (thanks to Winnie for sending me the link)

Gwyneth & Goop - Who ya got?

2009-09-18T15:48:00.004-04:00

Gwyneth Paltrow has this site called Goop (http://www.goop.com/), sort of a minimalist celebration of living well. Kaida and I were talking about it last year; she loved it, I was less impressed.

Anyway, the other day I saw this hilarious "spoof" of one of Gwyneth's cooking videos. I thought I would present both, just to be fair. The first is Gwyneth making some chicken for dinner. The second....well, see for yourself.

GWYNETH COOKS DINNER FOR THE FAMILY

GWYNETH COOKS DINNER FOR THE FAMILY (PLAYED BY ABBY ELLIOTT)

Gwyneth Paltrow Makes Chicken Goop.com with Abby Elliott from Abby Elliott

Comic Litigation

2009-08-22T17:28:00.003-04:00

Some more great recent comics.....

[Ain't it the truth...]

[I would learn to play Tuba just to do this]

[Thass what I'm talkin' 'bout!]

[Dagwood is so right - it is hard to do ANYTHING when pizza is on the table.]

[I feel their pain]

[This is my philosophy]

[So so True. Girls ARE weird. And YES, I am talking about you!]

Sara's Secret

2009-08-21T08:42:00.004-04:00

This is one of those "confirm you are 18" videos - so it may not work if you do not have a YouTube account. (There is nothing that will remotely cause you trouble at work.)

My friend Nezemnaya sent it to me - I think it is European, as I cannot imagine the commercial running in America. Maybe in Canada; they are a little sluttier up there, but even then I am doubtful.

[Is it wrong that I spent an hour trying to think of a good Pickle joke? Sigh. I need help]

Favorite Flavors.....

2009-08-21T08:31:00.002-04:00

Some recent Comics to brighten your day

[Cough cough]

[This is how I would run a restaurant]

[Chicks, man....]

[Words to live by]

[This might be the line of the year. Freaking love it!]

Smartest Woman in the World

2009-07-31T08:42:00.002-04:00

What more can be said? She's organized, passionate and has a clear goal in mind. Be proud, ladies. It's nice to have a standard bearer.

More of the Tao of Andy Capp

2009-07-31T06:12:00.003-04:00

The Greatness that is Andy Capp.

A few of my recent favorites......

Andy on.....Updating the Bible

[Hyperion - Turns out the Lord allowed 144 characters instead of 140]

Andy on.....Modern Feminism

[Hyperion - Andy and I are both passionate about our ardent Feminism]

Andy on.....Class

[Hyperion - Some girls got it, some girls don't]

Andy's wife Flo on.....Creative Accounting

[Hyperion - Flo should come work on the Obama Health Care Team. (It was either that or go with some crack about "chick logic." I couldn't decide.)]

Andy on.....Healing a Wounded Heart

[Hyperion - Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do]

Haunted Monkey Barn

2009-07-15T10:01:00.002-04:00

[This was a story the Monkey Barners did back in 2007, to commemorate the last Harry Potter movie release. Each day was a new chapter by a different author. The only rule? THERE WERE NONE. Hope you enjoy the nuttienes.

Harry Potter and the Haunted Monkey Barn.

Chapter 1

Harry Potter stepped off the Hogwarts express gingerly, stretching his legs with his House Gryffindor compatriots. Up and down the train, others were doing the same,

A Spring Break spent searching the moldy corners of the Haunted Monkey Barn might not be anyone's first choice, but when you consider the other two choices (Euro Disney and Paris Hilton's urinary tract), nobody was complaining.

Well, almost nobody.

"I don't see why we have to spend our time in some sodding barn!" Draco Malfoy said spiritedly. "My father booked an entire floor at the Mandalay in Vegas. Why couldn't we have gone there?"

Other students chimed in too, until Professor McGonagall swooped in, glaring at Draco. "Mr. Malfoy, that will be quite enough out of you!" Draco started protesting but professor McGonagall was having none of it, and dragged the yelping boy off.

"Of all the Minerve!" Pansy Parkinson said, preening as the others congratulated her on the fine pun. Fun was short-lived, however, as Professor Sprout and Professor Snape herded the students onto invisible John Deere tractors (visible only to those who had cut grass or stepped in cow pies) and on to the Haunted Monkey Barn.

According to their itinerary, the students were all supposed to meet in the Foyer. "How do we know we are in the foyer?" Ron asked.

Hermione pointed. "I think that's our clue."

Everyone just looked at her dumbly, and Hermione ground her teeth.

Once inside the Barn the students were met by a curator. The man was completely normal except for the fact that he wore no pants and spoke with a speech impediment.

And was a duck.

"If it were not for the speech impediment, the lack of trousers and the undeniable "fowl" appearance to him our guide would look quite normal indeed." Said Hermione Granger, grinning at her own pun. When no one offered praise as they had for Pansy Hermione grumbled under her breath, "Stupid Bitch. I wish her name was Pansy Chlamydia!" This gave Hermione an idea.

Meanwhile Ron and Harry were taking bets on what sort of punishment Professor McGonagall was giving out to Draco.

"I bet it's a spanking!" Dean Seamus said wiggling his eyebrows.

"Yeah, she could paddle him with that Quidditch broom he's so bloody proud of!" Lee Jordan chimed in.

Neville Longbottom had his own take: "I hope the professor takes that Malfoy by his Ж€£¥¥%¿µ and makes him ؤست£إ¶#&* her #^¢¤¤§® ¡جنص‡."

No one really had an answer for that.

The truth was soon to be revealed, as the students soon became tired of hearing the duck go on and on about "Whatever you do, beware the evil Lord Voldemonkey" and went off to explore. They came upon a door and heard cries from within. Wand at the ready, Harry pulled open the door and gaped with astonishment as he saw professor McGonagall and Draco Malfoy right dab in the middle of…..

Chapter 2
(by Dragon)

....tickle torture. Draco was in his underwear, spread eagle and tied to a wooden table. Professor McGonagall was orchestrating three feather dusters from her seat in the corner of the room. The feather dusters tickled him under each arm and each foot. Draco was screaming and giggling at the same time. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face.

Ron and Harry actually felt sorry for Draco. "The poor bastard." Harry said. The others nodded silently.

"Serves him right. He should have followed the rules." Hermione opined.

“You can be really heartless, Hermione.” Pansy spat. Hermione glared back at Pansy but soon smiled to herself as thoughts of how she would get her revenge swirled in her head.

"Do shut up, Mr. Malfoy and take your punishment like a wizard!" Prof. McGonagall said. "Besides, you don't want to wake Lord Voldemonkey. If you wake him, he'll make this punishment seem like a day at the beach."

The curator walked in after the group and was annoyed at what he saw. He immediately recognized the feathers on those dusters

“W-w-w-hat are you d-d-d-doing! Th-th-those are my ne-ne-nephews!” he screamed at Professor McGonagall.

“Oh, very well. I think Mr. Malfoy has learned his lesson.”

With a flick of her wand, Draco was dressed and sitting upright on the table. Ron and Harry helped Draco off the table because the "poor bastard" was still giggling/crying and he couldn’t control his movements. The feathers returned to their original duck forms and the ducks were none too happy about their transformation. They began squawking their disapproval at their curator uncle and the professor.

“Quiet. He’ll hear you.” Professor McGonagall said trying to calm them. She looked genuinely worried. “You don’t want to upset him, trust me.” It was no use; the ducks would not stop squawking. Their squawks grew louder and louder.

The wooden table started to shake and soon all the furniture in the room shook. A bright light appeared from underneath a trap door on the floor near where Pansy stood.

“Oh d-d-d-d-d-dear! Oh m-m-m-m-my! “ said the curator. “This is n-n-n-n-not g-g-g-g-good.”

Curious, Pansy bent down and opened the trap door. The light shone brighter than any light they had ever seen. Pansy covered her eyes and screamed in pain. “I’m blind! I’m blind!” She tried to run away but the light had her trapped. Her screams were silent now and her skin seemed to be melting.

“Help her!” Harry screamed at Professor McGonagall, shaking her out of her shocked state. “Do something, she’s dying!”

Professor McGonagall tried to counter the attack by placing a protective shield around Pansy using her wand. The shield did not hold and now both the professor and Pansy were consumed by the light. Silent screams etched the pain on their faces.

The others looked on helplessly, not knowing what to do. Harry immediately covered those around him with his invisibility cloak. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville and Dean huddled close together and watched horrified as……

Chapter 3
(Biff Spiffy)

The silence of the screams began to spread like a puddle of blood. It was not just the absence of noise, but a kind of silence that had a presence all its own, the spectral opposite of a thunderbolt. It went right through intolerable, painful noise and out the other end. And, it was beginning to encroach on their little huddle under the invisibility cloak, making even their own clenched squeals and whispers fade into an aural abyss, sucking at their very breath.

Hermione managed, “You know, just because we’re invisible doesn’t mean we’re not here.” The light was becoming unbearable even with their backs turned toward it.

Ron instinctively bolted for the exit, throwing off the cloak. He got only three steps toward the door and tripped. A spectacular explosion tossed him against the desiccated walls of the barn, with a noise like the projectile flatulence of a thousand trolls. And a very sick hippo. He had stepped on a duck. The light shrunk into a point inside Pansy’s forehead, faded, and a look of serene relief came to her face. Then she exploded, showering the room with bits of Pansy cloak, Pansy blood, and Pansy ass. The trap door thudded shut as if pulled from below.

A normal sort of quiet returned to the room while the junior wizards crept out from beneath the cloak. It had shielded them from most of the mess, leaving them shaken but unhurt. The duck, Professor McGonagall, and Pansy were gone. Harry ran his hands through his hair repeatedly, trying to sort out the events. “What was that?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s helpful,” said Hermione. “Why don’t we all just sit around and ask each other?” Her bitterness was just beginning to swell at the realization that she wouldn’t get to wreak revenge on Pansy for all the sour looks, sly jabs, and (she hated to admit) the bigger rack that Pansy flaunted. She began stomping around, overturning rubble, recklessly looking for clues. Harry joined the search, keeping a watchful eye on the trap door.

“I think the duck was trying to work a spell, and Ron interrupted its concentration,” Harry guessed.

Malfoy snorted, began stammering, and quickly recovered his powers of self-righteous sputtering. “You’ve managed to do it again, you raggedy no-good half-wizards! Now we’re stuck here in a haunted barn with no professors and something deadly…”

“And you’ve wet yourself,” Neville interrupted. Dean burst out laughing, while Neville sheepishly shrugged and said, “Well, it’s true. And it smells like the time you shat yourself back in grade school.” Draco shook with rage, balled up his fists, and stormed past his tormentors. He flung open the nearest door and half jumped, half fell a few feet to soft, lumpy ground. Harry and Hermione leaned out the door to see Malfoy buried up to his armpits in grey, greasy mud. Their laugh was quickly stifled by the scene beyond.

It wasn’t quite outdoors, but it was too vast to be a proper room. The place was lit from everywhere, like the inside of a cloud on a sunny day, and just as bleak. Massive shapes moved in the hazy distance. As Harry took a step backward, pulling Hermione with him, an enormous hairy foot came slamming from above, driving Draco Malfoy into the next world with a soggy crunch. Hermione leaned out to see the whole of the beast, discovering that the foot belonged to a giant spotted monkey. It looked down at her with a smile she couldn’t define as either menacing or kind. She turned to the others and said, “I’m going to ride it.” With that, she scrambled up on its neck, kicked her heels, and it lumbered off into the mist with her hanging on tightly.

Her manic screams faded, and the room was mostly still again. Just then Harry noticed something amiss. Where was Ron?

MONKEY BARN

Chapter 4
(Schrodinger's Kitten)

"Who the bloody hell cares where Weasley is!" Draco sniveled, writing in the mud. "Somebody get me out of this!".

Nobody moved.

Because for at that very moment, a distant flare shot off into the sky. Purple and sparkly, it arched into the sky, bright in the murky grey ceiling above them. It then suddenly exploded into a picture, forming into a shape of...a monkey slinging poo.

Neville gasped. "It's...it's...."

Harry uttered the fatal words..."Voldemonkey".

Everyone turned to him in unison "He Who Must Not Be Smelled!" they screamed.

Harry apologized, and kicked the mud.

He looked at his compatriots that had surrounded him. His beloved Ron and Hermione were gone - Ron to who knows where, and Hermione off flying on a gigantic spotted monkey. Harry had a brief thought that Ron and Hermione seemed to disappear together an awful lot. They'd suddenly spout off an excuse of 'homework' or 'practice spells' and then would manage to slip away. He thought he heard the word 'anal sex' once as they scuttled off into the hallway. If he didn't know better, he'd think they were....nah, he laughed. Ridiculous.

With the symbol of Voldemonkey fading in the sky, the group re-assembled. Professor McGonagall herded Prefessor Trelwaney toward the students, everyone apprehensive.

"Students!" the Professor enunciated. "Let's not over-react. The symbol of 'He Who Shall Not Be Smelled' is not necessarily the sign of the evil itself. It may be only one of it's followers. We must stick together, and..."

Suddenly Professor Trelwaney convulsed, and her eyes rolled back into her head. She managed to stand, but the mouth hung slack, and a deep booming voice came from within...

"Lord Voldemonkey."

The crowd stirred in silence.

"Lord Voldemonkey. That funky monkey."

Harry cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

"We're offered Moet - we don't mind Chivas Wherever we go with bring the Voldemonkey with us..."

Trelwaney dwindled off. As everyone stood in silence.

"It means he's here!" Draco screamed like a girl. A real girl bitch-slapped him. He liked it. They began to make out.

Here? Harry thought. What would he do? His scar began to ache. He longed for Ron and Hermione more than ever. Maybe he could find them before it was too late?

Everyone turned to back to Professor McGonagall for guidance.

"We must take this prophecy as truth - 'He Who Shall Not be Smelled'...must be...must be...oh dear...he must be SMELLED!" She shuddered in fear at the thought.

The crowd screamed, but Harry sighed. 'Again?' he thought.

Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, a bright flash of light illuminated them all. When it faded, there stood Severus Snape. And a figure stood next to him. Harry squinted. It couldn't be! he thought...

It was...

Chapter 5
(Lady Jane Scarlett)

Snape appeared with Saibot, his pet squibb. Saibot was a wretched beast, his nose hair dangled below a pair of snarled lips and a lone brown tooth. A crooked twig took the place of a wand. Poor Saibot did not know better for he was born a squibb and his momma did not teach him common sense. Snape sneered and pulled back his greasy hair to reveal a scar similar to Harry's on the right side of his forehead. Snape giggled with glee and said "Now you shall know the velocity of our menace!". Snape revealed that his scar was caused by an errant release of Voldemonkey's most powerful weapon-the Beeno. Snape considered the scar a blessing, and when his scar began to tingle, Snape knew that his Lord was making others suffer.

"Finally the Odoriferous One has arrived. May you all revel in his glorious stench!" Snape cried and began to two-step with his squibb.

The shadow of Voldemonkey loomed above the haunted barn. At any moment, a smell that would draw out happiness would appear. Harry knew from experience that he would be helpless unless he acted quickly. Harry muttered "Snottify", and a thick protective coating shielded his head from the incoming air biscuit attacks.

Although Neville and Professor McGonagall were quick to follow Harry's lead, Professor Trelwaney forgot where her wand was. It was horrible to watch the green cloud of doom engulf first her hair, then tickle her nostrils. As Professor Trelwaney became immersed in the poisonous green cloud, she began to writhe and convulse. Soon she disappeared, never to be heard (or smelled) again.

Harry would hear no more of it. He said to Saibot "You are more than a pet, you are a secret keeper aren't you? What secret are you holding for Snape?"
Saibot hissed. That was all he could do, besides two-stepping and cooking up a mean batch of chili.

Just then, in the midst of his phlegm-covered head, Harry heard a quiet moan. He followed the moan to a seemingly solid door, but could not go any further. Harry thought "I need to find who is making that noise". Just then, a brick moved and revealed a doorway. Ron, Hermione and Luna were there. But what were they doing?

Chapter 6
(Dominique)

Harry approached them trio hastily and making all sort of noise and said “Finally, there you are. Luna where did you…”

Hermione shhhed him and turn to the door behind them. As Hermione worked her magic to open the door with the usual “Alohamora!” the others gestured for Harry to keep silent. The door had already popped open and Hermione was stepping into the next room as Harry stood there dumb founded, he had that Ron’s zipper was down. That boy still hasn’t figured how to dress himself, thought Harry as he was grabbed by the shirt front and pulled through the door by Ron and Luna after Hermione.

They were in a kitchen with a roaring fire and a table with two figures sitting at it. They had been speaking in hushed tones but, stopped at the site of Hermione, Ron, Harry and Luna. The one stood up and walked over to the group.

“What are you four doing in here?” questioned Hagrid.

“Oh, Hagrid! Lord Voldemonkey has returned!” said Hermione, sounding a bit relieved to see the games’ keeper, it was as though she hadn’t noticed the other figure in the room. Harry wondered how that was possible since he took up almost as room as Hagrid.

“Hagrid, who is that?” Harry questioned back.

“Oh, that?” Hagrid glanced back to the table. “That’s no one. Just the keeper of this barn.”

“Keeper of the barn? Funny, he bares a striking resemblance to you. What do you all belong to some kind of club,” asked Ron chuckling.

Up stood a dashingly handsome tall figure with wide shoulders, he sauntered over, bowed his head and put forth his hand, “It is nice to finally meet you, Mr. Potter, Miss. Granger, and I’m sorry I don’t recognize you, Miss...?

“Looney…uh Luna,” said Hermione quickly correcting herself and blushing.

“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Hagrid’s distant cousin, and the keeper of keys and grounds of the MonkeyBarn, Hyperion. Hagrid has said much about you.”

Chapter 7 – All's Well that Ends

(by Tobias the River Midget, Hogwarts Class of '05; "We'll Hufflepuff your house down!")

Everyone looked at Hagrid and Hyperion, who began kissing in a slobbery fashion. "Gross!" said Ron, feelingly. "I had no idea you were a poofter, Hagrid."

"'At's untrue, 'on!" Hagrid said, continuing his assault on first letters of words (or his ongoing quest to bring Cockney to Wizarding; no one was sure which). "Hyperion and I have one rule…."

Together they both recited, "Never in the butt!"

Hyperion added helpfully, "We may be semi-incestuous giants with a love for all things Judy Garland, but we're not freaks!"

"'eah!" Hagrid added fervently." "'hat 'oo 'ake us 'or, 'yan 'dams?"

Hyperion translated: "What'd you take us for, Ryan Adams?"

Just then Snape showed up, with that villainous look that only he (and possibly Alan Rickman) could pull off.

"If you want to survive Lord Voldemonkey, I suggest you do exactly as I say."

"I thought you were bad!" Hermione squeaked.

Snape raised one eyebrow comically and intoned, "That's the thing about me; everything I say is open to multiple interpretations."

Everyone looked around, not sure what to do, until Luna pointed out helpfully, "At least he's not Ryan Adams." With that sobering thought, they all decided to trust Snape; for now. Worst case scenario, they could always go back in time and re-cast his part with Dustin Diamond.

Snape explained how they were to defeat the foul-smelling Lord. "To attempt to smell him directly is too dangerous. We must fight fire with fire. Therefore, I have made up a potion which will allow you to strike back. The potion contains the following ingredients: 10 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, ten pounds of huevos rancheros, 10 pounds of Oreos, ten pounds of baked beans cooked in Jack Daniels' sauce, ten pounds of cauliflower soaked in cheese whiz, ten pounds of 'extra hot' hot wings, ten pounds of curried lamb and ten pounds of boiled cabbage."

Most of the group started getting sick just thinking about what the potion was going to taste like, let alone produce. Hagrid and Hyperion looked at each other, the same thought passing through each of their minds: Thank God we're not like Ryan Adams.

Persnicketedly Hermione pointed out, "This won't work for the girls because everyone knows that girls don't pass gas."

Snape raised that eyebrow again. "I assure you, Miss Granger, that the stinking foul mess that emanates from girls' backsides is no worse than what comes out from their fronts."

Everyone—even Draco—looked utterly aghast that Snape would make such a remark. Professor MacGonagall rose up to make a withering reply, then remembered she'd died several chapters ago and faded away. Finally Snape clarified, in that inimitable Snape-like way: "I was talking, of course, about the meaningless and in this case time-consuming and possibly life-dooming prattle that you ladies feel the need to spew out of your mouths nonstop."

The girls walked out red-faced and Hagrid asked Harry what Snape had said. When Harry repeated it Hagrid said, "'o, 'not the 'unny 'uice, then?"

***

After that it was all over but the final battle. I'd tell you more about it, but that would defeat the purpose of not telling you. Know only that everyone who was supposed to die died, everyone who was supposed to live lived, everyone who was supposed to get beaten got beaten, and it all came out well in the end.

If you know what I mean….