F-My-Life - Longest Day Edition

Bringing back an Oldie but a Goody.....




From the hilarious website http://www.fmylife.com/ (where people post about their misfortunes), I have collected some of my favorites, along with my even funnier responses. Enjoy






Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML [She picked the wrong pole to walk into!]




Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML [Knowing this Fucked-up Country, he probably sued.]






Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML [People, I'm going to tell you what I tell all prospective newly-weds who seek my counsel. You need: 3 bank accounts (His, Hers and Y'alls), 2 Bathrooms, 1 Bed and 0 Kids. But whatever you do, get separate bathrooms. You'll thank me later. ]






Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML [I think I'm in love]






Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML [Should have waited for a commercial]








Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML [Have you ever met someone who says "Frisky"?  Me, neither.]






Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tommorow. FML [I love how she only realizes she's "wrong" because of the incorrect date, as if keying the car otherwise was justified. As if he couldn't have had a family emergency, be in the hospital, made the same good-faith error of thinking it was the wrong day or maybe just REALIZING YOU'RE A FUCKING PSYCHO WHO WOULD KEY A CAR OVER BEING STOOD UP WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO FIND OUT ANY DETAILS.]






Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML [Women go to the bathroom?]




Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML [Who pretends to make-out with a friend's dog?  This wouldn't top the Comedy scale in Iowa, honest-to-God Iowa!  Maybe he misunderstood what Penthouse Letters meant by Doggy-style.]






Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML [Tar Heel Women: not exactly making Ken Jennings look over his shoulder, ya know?]




Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML [Chicks...you try to be supportive and accepting, but it's never enough, is it?]




Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML [In general I hate conflict, but here I think I would have to make an exception. Tell me that's not a Family Reunion worth attending!]






Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML [I don't know what's worse: having your Family think you're gay, or getting fruitcake for Christmas.]












Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML  [This is why I only write bitter songs. (That and the fact that I'm always bitter....)]






Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML  [Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  Of course you are: WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH???]






Today, I was working as a counselor at a fat camp. The kids bet me I couldn't do a sit-up while blindfolded. Never one to turn down a bet from minors, I set out to prove them wrong. When I sat up, my nose went right into a fat kid's buttcrack. FML  [If you're going to spend your Summer as a Counselor at a Fat Camp AND be and idiot, you pretty much deserve whatever Karma has in store for you]






Today, as I was taking a shit in the men's bathroom at a local bar. A man rushes in the bathroom to puke. All the stalls were taken. He kicks in my door and tells me to get out. I say "No, I'm taking a shit". Without warning he pukes all over me, punches me in the face and runs away. FML [With the puking I just felt sorry for the guy - but you have to admit the Punch in the Face raises it to pure Art. Gotta admire that, if only for the Pure Genius Evil]






Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML [Hey, it could be worse. If she REALLY wanted him to be like Edward she'd have cut off his dick....]




Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML  [Again, how can you be mad at pure Genius like that?  I've read this 50 times and it ALWAYS makes me chuckle. I'm way too nice a person to pull this off, but damn if it wouldn't be fun to try.]






Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML [My love for you is on Fire!]

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML [Those pussy pics will get you every time....]

F*** My Life - Sex & Cookies Edition

More from FMyLife.com (plus my comments!)

WARNING: SNARK AHEAD. USE CAUTION IF YOU'RE PRONE TO TOTAL BITCHITUDE

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML [Hyperion - You say C-Section, I say frigid.]



Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML [Hyperion - Just one more reason not to say "Bless You"]



Today, I was at the beach and I met a surfer with scars all over his back. Trying to make conversation, I asked "So how'd you get those cool scars? Coral?" To which he replied "Horrific childhood abuse, actually. But yeah, they're pretty cool." FML [H - If you had real balls your next move is to ask him if his mom is seeing anyone]



Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML [Hyperion - I so have to tell Monk about this. He'll get a kick out of it.]



Today, my five-year-old came home from summer camp crying because her friends and counselors had all laughed at her when she couldn't identify colors correctly during a game. My husband then confessed that he had taught her colors wrong because he thought it would be funny. FML [Hyperion - I bet money most of you are horrified by the father, but (perhaps inadvertantly), it's actually fabulous parenting, and I'm not even kidding. If you look at the big picture, the kid got laughed at once. She's young, and can learn them correctly. What this teaches the child, though, is to question the "official" story. If this lesson can take root, that kid is way better off than the hurt caused by a bad afternoon.]



Today, after a fight with my sister, I took a shower. While rinsing out my "conditioner" I realized with horror what my sister had done for revenge. Her bottle of Nair was empty, my bottle of conditioner was full, and my hair was being washed down the drain. FML [H - This sounds like bullshit to me, but let us grant it as true: what would a girl have to do to you for you to do that in return?]

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML [Hyperion - Being unmarried (and therefore a virgin) I know nothing of these things. But I always thought women would like that!]



Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML [Hyperion - Why have I never thought of this? I am so doing this from now on.]




Today, I had sex with my fiancee. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML [Hyperion - Here's the true tragedy: I gaurandamntee you, I mean, I bet my life on it, that she looked at the other pairs, and if they were larger sizes than her own...she felt a little bit better. Don't even front, ladies. You know you'd do the same.]

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML [H - What an amateur. He could have had her drive, breaking up with her at his curb after it was over. That way he could drink during the movie!]



Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML [H - The best way I can think of to ruin a hundred kids' lives without becoming a pedophile.]



Today, I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML [H - Hey, it could be worse. He could ask to join in, and you know the pressure to get along with your girlfriend's dad....]



Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML [H - I never thought of this. Next time my sister drinks I am going to try to get her to do this. Hmmmm. On second thought, I can see it somehow going horribly wrong. By the way, Lacey was obviously the girl from the FML right above this one, yes?]



Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML [H - That is pretty much instant anullment, right, ladies?]



Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML [Hyperion - Am I crazy, or should one of those "all in the same house" reality shows introduce lizards and 2500 baby crickets as an element of drama?]



Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML [H - I have heard of Doggy Style, but that is just ridiculous. (Thank you; I will be here all the week!)]



Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML [H - Sex & Cookies and she is still complaining - WHAT DO YOU BITCHES WANT???]

F*My Life - Tiny Mustache Edition

You know FMyLife.com, right? People send in their misadventures, horrible things that happen to them. It's excellent; can't recommend it enough.

But I'm not content to leave it there. I like to cull through the posts on FMyLife.com, and pick my favorites. Then I add snarky comments of my own and share with you, who in turn can share snarky comments of your own on top of mine! (It's a Circle of Life thing.)


Warning: I was in a particularly bad mood when I wrote these, so don't read them if you have no sense of humor. (Or if you're on the rag.)



Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML [Hyperion - Ladies, would this upset you? I totally feel your pain. Call me and we can talk about it.]



Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML [Hyperion - the dude didn't realize it, but this was a blessing in disguise. Logs HATE to be snuck up upon.]


Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML [Hyperion - This happened to me in 10th Grade. I don't want to talk about it.]


Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML [Hyperion - She should say yes, if only to see balls that big up close and personal.



Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML [Hyperion - I suppose it would really come down to WHERE the TP got left behind.]



Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML [Hyperion - I'm so doing this (you know, if I ever manage to break up with a girl before she breaks up with me)]



Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML [Hyperion - I feel the same way about whores.]



Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML [Hyperion - I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me, not that exact situation, but the phone dying AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME. Luckily I'm known as someone who never hangs up on people, but still; it's damned awkward.]



Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML [Hyperion - From now on, all booty calls to exes should be known as " trashcan icecream]



Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML [Hyperion - Doesn't the governor have better things to do than post on FML.com?]



Today, I received the final piece of puzzle that my boyfriend of two years has been sending me through the mail for the last week. Turns out, it wasn't a love letter like I originally thought it was. He was breaking up with me via a puzzle through the mail. FML [Hyperion - I'd prefer a crossword puzzle, but this is classy, too. You gotta respect that kind of style.]



Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML [Hyperion - On the plust side, he can now brag to his friends about all the pussy he eats.]



Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML [Hyperion - This is me not feeling sorry for him.]



Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things i wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML [Hyperion - Admit it; your first thought involved Pat Sajackoff]



Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML [Hyperion - Note to Dan: Dude, you already know the chick has sex outside of marriage! What'd you expect, dawg?]



Today, my fiance of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML [Hyperion - Seems like a good way to comfort him in his "upset" time would be some sex. Maybe he'd come around. Or at least come.]



Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML [Hyperion - Nobody likes an optimist.]



Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML. [Hyperion - Well, that's almost too excellent for words, right there. For years, it's been a running inside joke when someone makes a bad justification argument to say, "Well, Hitler loved Children." Now, however, I think it's going to have to be replaced. As counters to bad justification arguments, or hell, just for fun on a Saturday night, the new thing to say is, "Well, in his defense, Hitler was great at oral." I bet it was that tiny mustache!]

F* My Life - Non-PC version

As has become as time-honored as the spits returning to Capistrano, we have more FML', with my reaction to them.

WARNING: My comments, while hilarious, are less sensitive as they are "really really mean." You've been warned.



Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML [Hyperion - Some people just don't appreciate a good education.]


Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML [Hyperion - Okay. Most of you ladies are not in relationships with me, which means you're unsatisfied, which means you likely have dildos. That being the case, I DEMAND that you start calling them your "Sword of Death."]


Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML [Hyperion - Ahh, MILF's. I never get tired of you and your would-be slutty ways. Remember kids, the one thing you know about a single mother: she puts out.]


Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML [Hyperion - I had the same thing happen, but the other way around.]


Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just amateur hour. It'd be one thing if he was masturbating, but....]


Today, I went to the gynecologist for my annual. He took a seat in his stool, looked at my vaginal area, and said, "Oh yeah, that's angry." FML [Hyperion "Angry Vagina" would make a great name for something. Maybe a van, but more likely a poetry bar.]


Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking: "What can I get for you cuntie?" FML [Hyperion - I'm so calling "something" Cuntie for a pet name. Maybe not a little girl, but there are a few big girls out there who might fit the nickname juuuuust right.]


Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As i put my hand in his boxers he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML. [Hyperion - It's times like that you find out if your "I've looked everywhere for my contact!" story will really fly (no pun intended).]


Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he proceeded to say, "Heaviest in back." FML [Hyperion - Try to work "Heaviest in back" into a conversation today. The person you're talking to won't know what you mean; it will be your own private joke.]


Today, me and my girlfriend were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint? She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12 inch Ham Sub. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just classless. A Breakup Sub should be Meatball or higher. Personally I recommend the Steak and Cheese. Timeless.]


Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML [Hyperion - As my friend Wayne would say, "Get the net." Sadly, she won't have broken up with him over this. She'll still bend over backwards (literally) to please him. Why oh why would people continue to treat her so badly? It's a mystery.]


Today is the five year anniversery of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML [Hyperion - That dude is such an idiot. Get a clue, man! It's hard for her to talk with her mouth full.]

F*** My Life - Star Trek and Desperate Housewives

As always, from FMyLife.com (with my comments added in).




Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML [Hyperion - Obviously this girl wasn't MB's Dragon, or the parents would be dancing for joy.]




Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML [Assuming that time spent with mom was dinner earlier in the evening, and not at the strip club....how insane is this girl? Then again, if she (apparently) lives with him or has access to his place, why wasn't she out partying? Maybe she had to work. All I know is that she's psycho...I bet the sex is great.]




Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML [Hyperion - There is no excuse for a woman w/out medical issues to be 35 w/out having had an orgasm. Clearly this chick can give herself one; what was she doing the last 20 years?]



Today, my daughther said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML [Hyperion - If you're buying your underage daughter a thong, you're probably not the kind of mother who deserves a ton of love.]




Today, my dad got really drunk. When I was about to go to bed, he was just coming out of the bathroom, he was fully naked, I immediately turned away and said "Okay Dad, time for bed". Thinking that I was my mum, he replied with "That's right bitch, I'm your daddy, I'll show you in bed". FML [Hyperion - Could be worse. He could've been sober.]




Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having terrible sex for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML [Hyperion - You gotta just tip your capt to that kind of come back. I mean, there is NOTHING she can do in response. Brutal.]




Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML [Hyperion - Hard to believe a girl who says "burgled" doesn't have more friends.]




Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then proceeds to respond, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML [Hyperion - And that little girl's grandma grew up to be Speaker of the House....]




Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML [Hyperion - Women say they want us to communicate, but they don't mean it.]




Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML [Hyperion - I'm by no means perfect. I used to get Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman confused, and Jeff Daniels and Jeff Bridges confused, and your guess is as good as mine if it's a Brandy song or a Monica song. But I have never gotten Star Trek and Star Wars confused. Yes, anyone can have a slip of the tongue, but how can you get the two concepts confused? Yet I'm here to tell you: girls do it all the time. It's not enough to break up with them, though. Here's the key: are they willing to watch Star Wars, and only occasionally talk about how cute teh Ewoks are? If so, you can put up with the name mixups and their referring to Stormtroopers as "Marshmallow Men."]

Oh, FML is back, baby!

As has become a cultural tradition, I present more of my favorites from FMyLife.com, along with my comments.



Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML [Hyperion - Notice me sitting here quietly not saying a word]


Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML [Hyperion - I TOTALLY understand this guy's pain. I can't tell you how many times this happened to me, and when it wasn't concern over some piece of their home I might have broken, it was laughing at how funny I looked falling down. One time I was coming down the stairs, and I have to come down stairs sideways because my feet are too big for the each stair, and my family has so much crap piled up on the stairs that I can't maneuver and I fall on SOMETHING and tumble all the way down the stairs, AND TO THIS DAY, if the story comes up, my mom cracks up over the idea that my feet were too big to walk down the steps normally. F MY Life!]



Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML [Hyperion - This was from a few days ago, before everyone knew what it was. Pretty funny, though.]


Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML [Hyperion - I don't trust that "friend," who seemed to conveniently leave out a detail. Chicks, man.....]



Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML [Hyperion - Hey, it could've been worse. Could have been a guy posting. Or was it?....]


Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML [Hyperion - Pretty damn hard to feel sorry for soccer moms. My mom was not a soccer mom, but I've met many of them, and there are very few I wouldnt' call "some fat bitch" just on general principle. F*** you, Soccer Moms!]

I JUST CAN'T STOP WITH FML!

I tried to hold off on posting more of my favorite FMLs (from fmylife.com). I really did. But FML completes me. Don't hate.


Here are some of my recent favorites, with occasional comments from me!


Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML [Hyperion - Hard to feel sorry for someone who knowingly inflicts Pierce Brosnan's singing on another human being.]



Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML [Hyperion - It could have been worse. She could have been dumped by Winnie the Pooh or Yogi. Those are two talking bears you DON'T want to be dumped by. Best-case scenario? Smokey. You just know he'd handle the situation right.]


Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML [Hyperion - "There's a fine line between Orgasm and Allergy." I double-dog dare you to work that into a conversation today!]


Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML [Hyperion - I'm with the BF. Here's a tip, kids: if you expect your one and only, or ANYONE, to take your hopes and dreams seriously, don't text them! (Exception: Twittering them from a phone = legitimate)]


Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML [Hyperion - I am going to hang out at liquor stores JUST to do this. Hee hee]



Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML [Hyperion - I just got a brilliant idea (maybe): porn with all-uggo cast. Why? To help a guy last longer. I don't watch porn, so I'm not sure if this would work. I need the experts out there (Avitable, EvilTwin'sWife, Kalofagus) to weigh in: would this idea work?]


Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML [Hyperion - Sage advice for us all.]

What's this week missing? Oh yeah: FML!

You know you missed it!

Here are more of my favorites from F***MyLife.com

Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML

[Hyperion - I cannot tell you how deeply ashamed I am that I have never hit anyone with a bag of Skittles. This will be remedied and right soon.]

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML


Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

[Hyperion - If I ever decide to not be a virgin anymore, I'm going to do this to someone.]

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML


Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML


Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML


Today, my boyfriend turned 21 and got drunk at a bar. Being sober, I went through the whole ordeal: calling a cab, carrying him up three flights of stairs, helping him by the toilet, and taking him to bed. Just when I'm about to sleep, he gets up, pushes his shorts down, and pees on me. Twice. FML

[Hyperion - In his defense, he might have thought it was foreplay.]

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML


Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML

[Hyperion - It could be worse. She could've walked in on grandma doin' it doggie-style with her bf. That's pretty much a "kill myself" moment, right? No way you're coming back from that.]

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML


Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML


Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML

[Hyperion - I spent 10 minutes trying to think of what he could say to the Mom to get out of this, you know, if he had a moment to eat a Twix bar and reflect - and the best I could come up with was, "I'm almost done with the ritual purification so that I may enjoy the food your daughter prepared as a reward."]

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I told my boyfriend not to tell anyone, because I know how boys are. He promises he won't tell. The next day, he wore a shirt saying "Rebecca was Here" with an arrow pointing down. FML

[Hyperion - I am TOTALLY getting these t-shirts made up. You KNOW you'd buy one]

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML


Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

[Hyperion - Not for nothin', but she may have turned him on even more that way. Yelling out "Beef Jerky Pizza" would be better than Viagara!]

Today, I got my long hair cut in a short pixie cut. When my five year old daughter saw me she laughed and proclaimed 'You look just like a man!'. That afternoon I got a concerned call from the school. My daughter has told everyone 'mummy has gone away, I now have two daddies!' FML


Today, at my job as a cashier, a man and his 3-year old son got in line. The father said, "Give this to the pretty lady," looking at me. The kid looks at me, looks at his dad, and walks over to the next cashier. FML


Today, me and my boyfriend were telling each other secrets and I told him i've shaved my upper lip. He said "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML

[Hyperion - Great; now I have to call every woman I've ever kissed. and Koz. (I haven't kissed him; he's just a womnan.)]

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

[Hyperion - Hell; I'm going to start saying that to random strangers! (By the way, Schrodinger's Kitten tells me this is how she met her Boyfriend.)]

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

[Hyperion - About the only thing on Earth that could make that more embarrassing than that is if it was an Ankle Sock.]

Yet more FML!

Because Lost Goddess asked so nicely, here are some more of my favorite FMLs

(from http://www.fmylife.com/)

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML

[Hyperion - if a man said that to a woman....oh, man. I'm already cringing.]

Today, my over-protective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn't doing the naughty in my bed. The bed was clean. My face wasn't. FML

[Hyperion - I'm not sure what's more disgusting; her whorriness or her lack of hygeine.]

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML


Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML


Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML



Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML



Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

[Hyperion - That's just brutal. ]

Still more from F*** My Life

from fmylife.com:



Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML


Today, I was babysitting a 7 year old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML


Today, at work, I was alone in the breakroom when I got a slight pain in my belly. I thought I needed to pass gas, so I tried since no one else was in there. It wasn't gas. It was diarrhea. I'm wearing a mini skirt today. FML


Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML


Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML


Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML


Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML


Today, it was my birthday. My girlfriend bought me a Nickelback CD. FML


Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML


Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML


Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. Twice. FML


Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML



Today, my boyfriend called, asking, before I could even talk, to bring a condom- NOW. I had to smile at this request. I went to his house. A blond girl opened the door. He followed shortly, surprised to see me. I'm Celine. She's Cecile. Our names are one apart on his cell. She's my sister. FML


Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML


Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

and the best of the day......

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

The Increasingly popular F My LIfe

More FMyLife moments, from my favorite online guilty pleasure (at least, my favorite guilty pleasure that doesn't involve the hidden cam at the....well, maybe I've said too much).

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML



Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML



Today, I went to use a public bathroom with my friend. I heard someone, who I thought was my friend talking, and I replied with "I hate being on my rag, I get constipated a lot." When I opened the stall door, I saw two guys using the urinals. I went into the men's restroom. FML

Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, "well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at." The nurse laughed. FML

[Oh, man!]

Today, I was working at Target when an old woman asked me if I could help her find her favorite bra. I proceeded to ask what brand it was when she replied "I'll check the tag". She lifted up the front of her shirt, and flipped one cup of her bra inside out. I saw everything. FML

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

[I laughed for almost ten minutes. This is too priceless]

Today, my fiance's divorce was finalized. To celebrate, we went out to dinner at this expensive restaurant. After dinner, he goes to the restroom. A couple minutes later, the check comes with a note saying: "Thanks! Gonna enjoy bachelor life. It's over." Left me with the $200 bill. He drove. FML

Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML

[Ladies, would you forgive a friend for this?]

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

[Now THAT just takes the cake.]

More F-My Life Moments

More of my favorites from F*** My Life.com (fmylife.com)

Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML

[Hyperion - I wasn't around my cousins at an impressionable age, but I was 14 once, and trust me: almost anything can drive you over the edge.]

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

[Hyperion - The only way to top that was if he wanted anal.]

Today, I noticed some of my things in my slob of a roommate's piles of clothes. I found six pairs of my underwear that had gone missing. Turns out she hasn't done laundry recently so my underwear drawer was her own personal Victoria's Secret. I hadn't even worn a pair yet. All six were stained. FML

[Hyperion - There used to be this neighborhood girl that everyone called "'Skidlick." It's exactly what it sounds like.]

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

Today, I was in the gym, when i noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the tread mill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until i got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

[Hyperion - On the plus side, they could out-run him if he got mad.]

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

[Hyperion - At least she wasn't into salads......]

F*** My Life

Have you seen SUPERBAD? You know that scene in the liquor store, where McLovin freaks out and accidentally drops a bottle that goes all over everything? The store employee who is supposed to clean it says, "Fuck my life."

[I just found two videos. One is only 34 seconds, but it's really hard to hear. This one you can hear, but after the 34 second mark, the video uploader gets all clever. My advice: turn it off after you hear what you came for.]







My friend Carlos uses the expression quite a bit (and also the "F" My Life equivalent when in mixed company), and he's got me saying.

Well, about a week ago I discovered (on Twitter, of all places), that F*** My Life is an actual website! People post their embarrassing moments, and the audience can judge whether they are truly screwed, or if they deserved it.

Some of them are so hilarious! I started following fmylife.com on Twitter, and have saved some of the funny ones. I'm going to share a few each day for about a week. (Most of them appear to be from kids actually in high school. Any witty comments I make are labeled.)

You are more than encouraged to check out the site: http://www.fmylife.com/

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. Im grounded. FML

Hyperion - I cannot even imagine what my dad would do in that situation.

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

Hyperion - I've said it before and I'll say it again: Surprise Parties are not worth the bother!

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and I over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmothers wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

Hyperion - This one made me laugh for ten minutes. If you parse the story out, the guy is a douche-bag (maybe; can't be sure of the situation), but for a mom to just do that.....except, I can see my mom trying to pull that. Sigh.

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

Hyperion - This could have been one of the Monker Barners!

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

Today, I get a phone call from my mother asking me if I'm okay. I was confused, so I asked her what she meant. She then proceeded to tell me that my boyfriend broke up with me and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML


Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of no where and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says "I always knew you were a whore." FML

Hyperion - I want to have a kid, just so that I can one day say this to her.

Today, I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained saying I caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML


Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

Hyperion - Good one to end on today. More tomorrow!



WAIT! I JUST REMEMBERED ONE MORE THAT I HAVE TO SHARE TODAY. YOU WILL DIE LAUGHING

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML