Spring Break - uh, Belly Dancer?

Rather than make fun, I shall make it my goal this weekend to be as happy as she appears:

Shaq as Beyonce for Halloween

I don't know how to say this, but Shaq makes for one fine-lookin' 7'1" 350 lb woman

Jay Pharoah's impressions

Jay Pharoah makes his debut on Saturday Night Live tonight, known notably for his President Obama impression.  Here are several impressions he does (the Obama one starts at about 6:14 in)

Broccoli proposes Marriage

I'm not sure how I feel about Broccoli proposing marriage.  Ignoring the idea of - what woman would possibly like this - the bigger question: should a woman really marry Broccoli?

If not, what vegetable would be appropriate?

Gwyneth & Goop - Who ya got?

Gwyneth Paltrow has this site called Goop (http://www.goop.com/), sort of a minimalist celebration of living well. Kaida and I were talking about it last year; she loved it, I was less impressed.

Anyway, the other day I saw this hilarious "spoof" of one of Gwyneth's cooking videos. I thought I would present both, just to be fair. The first is Gwyneth making some chicken for dinner. The second....well, see for yourself.


GWYNETH COOKS DINNER FOR THE FAMILY






GWYNETH COOKS DINNER FOR THE FAMILY (PLAYED BY ABBY ELLIOTT)

Gwyneth Paltrow Makes Chicken Goop.com with Abby Elliott from Abby Elliott

Escalator Criminals and the Mounties who love them

They kinda sorta love to follow the law up there in Canada (a.k.a. "America's Hat")



LAVAL, Quebec (UPI) -- A Canadian woman says she was handcuffed and detained for disobeying a police officer's order to hold the rail on an escalator in the Montreal Metro.

Bela Kosoian said that she found police behavior "horrible, disgusting," the Toronto Globe and Mail reported. She plans to fight the two tickets she was given for failing to hold the rail and obstruction.

Kosoian, 38, said she was on her way to an evening class at the university late Wednesday afternoon when she was arrested. She said that she was trying to find money for the subway fare in her backpack when an officer ordered her to hold the rail.

The officer was with police in Laval, a Montreal suburb, not the Societe de Transport de Montreal.

"We were quite surprised to hear about this, we don't give fines for such things," said Isabelle Tremblay, a spokeswoman for the STM.

F*** My Life

Have you seen SUPERBAD? You know that scene in the liquor store, where McLovin freaks out and accidentally drops a bottle that goes all over everything? The store employee who is supposed to clean it says, "Fuck my life."

[I just found two videos. One is only 34 seconds, but it's really hard to hear. This one you can hear, but after the 34 second mark, the video uploader gets all clever. My advice: turn it off after you hear what you came for.]







My friend Carlos uses the expression quite a bit (and also the "F" My Life equivalent when in mixed company), and he's got me saying.

Well, about a week ago I discovered (on Twitter, of all places), that F*** My Life is an actual website! People post their embarrassing moments, and the audience can judge whether they are truly screwed, or if they deserved it.

Some of them are so hilarious! I started following fmylife.com on Twitter, and have saved some of the funny ones. I'm going to share a few each day for about a week. (Most of them appear to be from kids actually in high school. Any witty comments I make are labeled.)

You are more than encouraged to check out the site: http://www.fmylife.com/

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. Im grounded. FML

Hyperion - I cannot even imagine what my dad would do in that situation.

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

Hyperion - I've said it before and I'll say it again: Surprise Parties are not worth the bother!

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and I over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmothers wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

Hyperion - This one made me laugh for ten minutes. If you parse the story out, the guy is a douche-bag (maybe; can't be sure of the situation), but for a mom to just do that.....except, I can see my mom trying to pull that. Sigh.

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

Hyperion - This could have been one of the Monker Barners!

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

Today, I get a phone call from my mother asking me if I'm okay. I was confused, so I asked her what she meant. She then proceeded to tell me that my boyfriend broke up with me and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML


Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of no where and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says "I always knew you were a whore." FML

Hyperion - I want to have a kid, just so that I can one day say this to her.

Today, I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained saying I caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML


Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

Hyperion - Good one to end on today. More tomorrow!



WAIT! I JUST REMEMBERED ONE MORE THAT I HAVE TO SHARE TODAY. YOU WILL DIE LAUGHING

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML

Dedicated to Hypie

Empires



Do you have a Flag

Apple Wheel

The other day I was talking to Tracy Lynn on the phone about computers, and she had this odd three-minute semi-rant against Apple. I didn't really think anything about it until she launched into her spiel again on her website.

Okay, so Tracy's not so hot on Apple. But surely she'll change her mind once she sees the new Apple Wheel!




Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Scared of Santa

Reader Skittles sent me this HILARIOUS photo Gallery called

"Scared of Santa"

These are some of the funniest pictures I have ever seen in my life. Parents can be real jerks sometimes. Here are a few that cracked me up.







See the whole gallery here (306 pictures)

Can't Get enough of that Failure

A few more pictures of Failing, because I can't seem to get enough. These ones are all appear in newspapers, and are from Fail Blog.


Chicks will say anything....




'Cause moping won't make it any better!



You might have to click on this picture to read it better. It's hysterical. Right up there with 6,000 year old Earth, as far as logic goes.




The Laughter here is for the classless Toronto Sun, obviously not for the poor woman. (And why is her tragedy exploited for front page news, I ask?)




Somebody should put warning labels on jackhammers



I think the apology just made it worse. You'd never guess that about George. Just goes to show that you never know....




I don't even know where to get started making fun of this guy. I'm going to leave it alone.

and finally....





If you weren't picturing skidmarks before, you are now.

More People Failing

In case those Fail Videos below whetted your appetite, here are a few more pictures, collected when I was too injured to do anything on the computer but lie here and laugh at others' misfortunes:


Suddenly Jebus doesn't look so bad....


Some guys are not so much with the book learnin'








In our, "Need better Acronyms" segment...








Finally, What kind of motherfucker would create this puzzle????




Oh, wait......

At least you haven't done this today

I was going to space these out over a bunch of days, but what the hell. Most are short, and I have a feeling you could use the laugh on this Blue Monday. (All videos were found on the Fail Blog, when I was too injured to do much of anything.)

to help, I have a handy guide about each video

1. It will only take you a few seconds of this one to see how wrong it is.
2. Now that's what I call committed to the bit!
3. It's getting so a pimp can't even smack his ho anymore. (Whole world's going to hell)
4. This would be guaranteed to happen (or worse) if you invited me to your wedding. (Note: women who view weddings as special should skip this, so as to not be horrified. The rest of you laugh your asses off.)
5. [Withdrawn so I wouldn't have to listen to Lady Jane Scarlett complain all day]
6. Sakes!
7. Some people shouldn't be parents. (Don't watch if you have issues with small children getting struck like a pinata)
8. Mascot Bloopers!
9. This is why I don't watch Wheel of Fortune
10. The old woman in this video is Tracy Lynn. Trust me.
11. Never a good idea to startle a large man.
12. It's pretty amazing he got elected with these upbringings.....
13. Music Video of people generally failing. Only for the most crass of you. (I watched it three times.)
Enjoy!

My Boring Incarceration

Not being able to write has been terrible. However, since I am stuck in this room doing nothing, I have tried to pass the time.

I ended up at Fail Blog, and looked at every single picture. Cracked me up. I saved a few of them for you.






Schrodinger swears this is how she met her BF.




I think this is where "Asshat" came from


A douche-burger? Well, it is the Dairy QUEEN



I've included two DQ pics because they messed up my last two orders. I like the idea of this sign, but not what they had in mind. (I wonder if Koz says this to his woman?)



I can't think of a caption to make this funnier




And as a bonus, a Fail Video!





This might not look Safe for work, but it totally is. Halfway through you'll see the ending coming, but it's still totally worth it.

I miss everyone.

My new book

"To keep and Idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence.

To keep and idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence."

Woman sits on Toilet for 2 Years

We've all had our marathon sessions with the porcelain bowl. We've all sat there so long our legs fell asleep. (Getting up is the worst!) We've all been so bored that we end up reading the back of shampoo bottles.

BUT TWO FUCKING YEARS?



WICHITA, Kan. (AP) -- Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years -- so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,"' Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the couple's names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.

The case has been the buzz of Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

Diebold accidentally releases results of '08 Election

Palin/Clinton on SNL

Last night's SNL opening. I laughed out loud three times; haven't done that in ages.




For years I have thought we should do a "Hottest Women in Glasses" Top Ten list. And for years I thought Tina Fey would be on that list. Who else?