Cat vs. Cat. vs. Crow vs. Crow (Who Ya Got?)

Ever feel like you've been in one of these fights? I have. 


So what was it about? 


ODDS
4-1  - over Territory
5-1  - over Food
8-1  - over Money
1-3  - over a chick. 


It's always over a chick. 

P.O.D. - Baracktimus Prime

I can't tell: is President Obama fighting Optimus Prime, or just getting a Piggy-back ride.


What's your call??????

Monsters vs. Aliens

Who ya got, Baby?

Rejected Paintings

As I was preparing today's Valentine-themed column, I needed some sexy YET TASTEFUL paintings. I finally found several that worked for me, but there were others I couldn't quite talk that small voice on my shoulder into. The very fact I can only post the links here is probably proof it was a good idea.

However, I wanted you, the Barking Monkeys, to take a look. My question (and there is one): which is your favorite? Be warned: these are JUST PAINTINGS, and they are definitely art, not porn, but let's just say things get a bit nipply around here.

EDIT: Screw it. I'm uploading them. If you don't like them, blow past. They are art, people!

Rejected Painting #1 - Old School Goth Girl

Rejected Painting #2 - Garden Triangle

Rejected Painting #3 - Stripes

Rejected Painting #4 - Fortune Cookie

Which is your favorite?

Favorite Lost Characters

My plan to watch last night's Season 4 premiere of Lost was thwarted, as was my plan to watch the last 14 episodes of Season 3 before the Season 4 premiere ran. (Actually, those two events are related, but I'll leave it to you to figure out how.)

Friggin' Nefarious Events!

Anyway, this post was supposed to run yesterday, in lead up to the big night but whatever. I want to know your top five favorite Lost Characters. In order.

I don't put Charlie in the list because he sucks as a character, and I have too much faith in my Monkeys to think any of you would put Charlie in the Top 5. (Actually, if anyone DID put Charlie in the Top 5, the only thing I would think is that they DON'T watch the show.)

I really wouldn't put Claire in either (she's an even worse character than Charlie), but I realized there weren't enough female characters, and I wanted more. Seriously, though: who would pick Claire? No one, that's who!

As I am only 9 episodes into Season 3 (hoping to finish it this weekend, and then watch the first episode next Thursday, which will run BEFORE the second episode. Two things to take from this: any characters who develop awesomeness AFTER Episode 9 I don't have included here, because I don't know about them. (This also includes deaths of any characters I do have.) Secondly: in your comments, do not include any info that will give things away for me, or I will murder you.

Okay, the choices:



















In case you can't remember the names, in order they are (and it's just a random order, not my order): Locke, Sun, Mr. Eko, Rose, Sawyer, Sayid, Juliet, Hurley, Jack, Alex, Jin, Ana-Lucia, Ben, Claire, Desmond and Kate.

Heath Ledger (Whachu Got?)

I wrote a column that included (among other things) a discussion on the proper pantheon place of Heath Ledger. However, it has become obvious to me that I will not finish editing it for this morning, so before it becomes stale news (i.e., another celeb croaks), I thought we could pick our favorite Heath Ledger movies.

Pick your favorite and the one you think is the best. I got this list from IMDB, excluding TV. It shows the movie, year and his role. For the record, as for "best," I'm torn between MONSTER'S BALL and BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. I think MB might be a tiny bit better, but as I feel that Ledger was terrible in it, I'm inclined to give the nod to Brokeback, where he was fantastic. Actually, for the record, I only thought he was good in two films.

My very favorite film of his (and he didn't actually add a whole lot besides some Australian Mystery Man Mean) is 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU.

What's your vote?


I'm Not There. (2007) .... Robbie Clark
Candy (2006) .... Dan
Casanova (2005) .... Casanova
Brokeback Mountain (2005) .... Ennis Del Mar
The Brothers Grimm (2005) .... Jacob Grimm
Lords of Dogtown (2005) .... Skip
The Order (2003) .... Alex Bernier
Ned Kelly (2003) .... Ned Kelly
The Four Feathers (2002) .... Harry Faversham
Monster's Ball (2001) .... Sonny Grotowski
A Knight's Tale (2001) .... Sir William Thatcher / Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein of Gelderland
The Patriot (2000) .... Gabriel Martin
Two Hands (1999) .... Jimmy
10 Things I Hate About You (1999) .... Patrick Verona

Reindeer Games?

I'm working up my best Christmas songs list (I know it's late, but don't hate: Christmas lasts all week), and I realized there is a big debate that needs to be solved.

When singing Rudolph with the "add-ons," I always sang it like this:

All of the other reindeer (REINDEER)
Used to laugh and call him names (LIKE DUMBO)
They never let poor Rudolph (RUDOLPH)
Join in any reindeer games (LIKE FOOTBALL)

However, my sister sings the last line thusly:

...Join in any reindeer games (LIKE MONOPOLY)

So, I ask you, the Monkey Barn: which is it? Football or Monopoly?

P.O.D. - Eagle Style

See, your day isn't going that badly!

Wizardly who would win....

Who would win the battle between Dumbledore and Gandalf (the grey or white)?

VS

Pixar Vs. (who ya got?)

When I was preparing my review of RATATOUILLE, I decided to rank all 8 Pixar movies. However, I have found myself unable to do so. The movies are just too magical, too good for me to have a coherent opinion.

that's where there is you. Below are the 8 Pixar movies. I would like feedback on what you think the ranking order should be. Rank them from #8 to #1 (if you haven't seen on, just leave it out; don't rank it last), and tell us why you ranked them the way you did. There are no wrong opinions, although you still may be an idiot.



THE CONTENDERS:

TOY STORY (1995)

A BUG'S LIFE (1998)

MONSTER'S INC. (1999)

TOY STORY 2 (2001)

FINDING NEMO (2003)

THE INCREDIBLES (2004)

CARS (2006)

RATATOUILLE (2007)

So there is the list. Rank them 8 to 1....if you can.

Walt Disney Vs. Menstruation (who ya got?)

I'm not even sure how I found this video. It seems that in 1946 Walt Disney produced the following: "The Story of Menstruation." The ten minute movie (I found a streamlined version if you can't bear to watch the whole thing, although it's worth it) tells girls exactly why they are getting their periods, and how they should feel about it. Oh to have been a girl in the '40s!

As you are watching the film, I want you to ponder the following things:

What the hell are those girls looking at the cat for? Is that some sort of Period ritual?

I'm torn between the somewhat condescending tone and the (especially for the times) rather frank practical advice. What do you think?

I love that accent!

Things I love: showing the girl in the shower. Things I hate: she has no feet.

Speaking of showering, women used to not bathe during their periods? Gerrrroooosssss!

Speaking of no feet, is that some sort of chauvinist statement, or a limit of the animation?

Speaking of the animation, is that Cinderella in the beginning?

So, dancing on period = good, heavy petting on period = NO!

Did you see who sponsored the film at the end? Very classy. If that was made today you just know there would be some product placement going on!

Don't let it get you down. Remember, no matter how you feel, you have to live with others. Once you stop feeling sorry for yourself....

Constipation equals troubles with pregnancy? Do the baby and the turdy fight or something? I have never heard of this.

Well, see for yourself:

ABBA vs.

I was listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning (this morning), and somehow they got to talking about the universal awesomeness of ABBA. Basically, their premise was that no matter who you were--from Gloria Steinem to Fitty Cent, you hear ABBA on the radio and you start dancing.

I'm not even going to debate that, as it is so true. But here's my problem. They pronounced the group like Aaaa-buh, whereas I have always heard it pronounced Ahhh-buh. (In case my homemade phoenetics were confusing, they pronounced the first syllable like the "a" in "fat" or "snack," where I always heard it more like the "a" in "father" or even the "o" in "clock."

My question, then, to all of you is, WHICH WAY DO YOU PRONOUNCE ABBA?


And since it would be cruel to bring up the group and not let you have a listen, here's a video of arguably their best song. (I'm not saying it is definitively; we'll do that next week):

WYG? (Summer vs. Emma)

One of the teams in my Fantasy Football League is called "River Tam Beats up Everyone," based on a movie the owner says would be great.

So, somehow a debate got started on who was prettier/sexier/all around awesomer: River Tam or Hermione Granger.

Actually, as the characters are almost impossible to compare, the debate more centered more on the actresses who play these two great characters, Summer Glau and Emma Watson. (And before you send hate mail telling me that Emma Watson is not 18 until next April 15, and telling me about the countdown clock, know that we were aware of that and took appropriate steps. Nothing in the debate was prurient, and everyone but Koz was clear to add "when she is 18" to all arguments. And before you tell me the countdown clock is creepy, it was inspired by one for Daniel Radcliffe.)

Anyway, I'm asking the Monkey Barn audience to help settle this debate for once and all. River or Hemione? Summer or Emma?

Tale of the Tape:

Summer Glau

Plays River Tam in Firefly TV series, SERENITY movie.
River's strongest points: she's an unstoppable weapon, and smarter than the known world, possibly psychic.
River's weakest points: She's crazy. More than even a regular woman.

Emma Watson

Plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.
Hermione's strongest points: she's very smart, clever and resourceful, a loyal friend and passionately committed to the suffering of small creatures.
Hermione's weakest points: she's often a buzzkill, relentlessly focussed on homework and threatening to ruin others' good times. She's a teacher's pet; has strange taste in men.


Who Ya Got???



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Science vs. Math (who ya Got?)

[I can't see more than three of you getting this joke, but I think it's funny, and that's good enough for me.....]


A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.

The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.

The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?"

The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

Transgender Vs. (who ya got?)

Most likely to have once been a Man.....(give your reasons)

Rene Russo

Kathleen Turner

Transgender Vs. (who ya got?)

Vicious Vs. (who ya got?)

I started this Vs. thing yesterday, only to find that instead of just answering the question as given people would rather whine about what options they didn't get.

Sheesh.

However, since I love you all dearly, I'm going to try again. In today's installment, you're asked to choose:

Who would win in a verbal sparring match. Things to consider: ability to take criticism as well as dish it out (without wilting); ability to perceive what others are hiding and use it against them; ability to ignore social niceties and go for the jugular to hurt people; ability to pick apart others' arguments; ability to counter-punch.

And remember: this is the TV character persona, not the real actor or actresss.

After some difficulty, I found seven candidates. (I considered Valerie from 90210, but had to leave her out because I couldn't find a picture where she looked suitiably mean and not half-dressed. On the plus side, I did knock over the sun-sphere, and by that I mean I got to spend ten minutes looking at nearly-naked (and some fully naked) Tiffany-Amber Thiessen photographs, and that's always a good thing.)

Vicious Vs. (Who ya got?)




Candidate #1 - Andy Sipowicz; Though not an intellectual giant, his years on the force have given him keen insight into people, and he's balls-to-the-wall tough




Candidate #2 - Dr. Cox; His inability to put up with incompetence has led to some legendary riffs, and his self-loathing means he's heard all the abuse already....




Candidate #3 - Murphy Brown; As a recovering alcoholic and news anchor, she's already two legs up on self-righteousness




Candidate #4 - Jarod; Sort of a dark horse, especially since most people never even watched The Pretender, but Jarod has to be one of the two smartest characters in recent TV history (along with John Doe). Jarod was a caring soul, but when provoked could be incredibly vicious. Would you want the world's smartest person peering into your soul?





Candidate #5 - Roseanne Conner; She might not be as intelligent as any of the others, but Roseanne certainly wouldn't be shy about coming right at people, and her put-downs could cut deep.




Candidate #6 - Frank Pemberton; Once of the 10 best TV characters ever, I've never seen anyone so able to get people to feel bad about themselves. An essential skill if you want people to confess to murder, and one that would make him a fearsome foe in verbal battle.





Candidate #7 - Greg House; What can you say? The heavyweight favorite, and the inspiration for this version of Vs. Acerbic, vicious, manipulative, self-serving, and at times sociopathic in getting what he wants, House could probably get to anyone. His only weakness; can he take a punch from the likes of this lot, or would have have a glass jaw?

It's time to play Vs., the Temptation Island version.

Here's what I'm looking for. Which person would your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend (or, for many of you, your hypothetical husband, wife, bf or gf) least want you to spend an evening with. I'm not talking a sexual evening, but one that involved dinner dancing and possibly building a small fort.

Secondly, of the other set, which person would you least want your mate spending the evening with?

Got that? Okay, here is set one:





Or





Here is set two:


Or


Please articulate, if possible.

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Over on International Day I declared April 26 International Pirates vs. Ninjas Day.

It turns out the contest has already been definitively decided.

(Sorry for you who were hoping for a different outcome. Maybe he'd have done better on a ship or something.)

Hypinja

Women vs. Donkey: New options in Indian textbook

I know a few people who might have been raised in man/donkey households...

Jesus vs. Bonnie Blair?

Why is it that the same people that try to prove the Big Bang theory and Evolution have such a hard time believing that Jesus actually did a miracle or 2? Now it seems that Jesus didn't actually walk on water but he walked on ice? As John Stossel would say "Give me a Freaking Break."