"God rest the souls of that poor family......and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes." - Al Swearengen, owner of a saloon (and whorehouse) in Deadwood
Marg: Homer, you don't have to pray out loud!
Homer: But he's way the hell up there!
"I think good macaroni and cheese could save the world." - Schrodinger
"It's a little known fact that every Canadian citizen is born with a sharp, serrated edge somewhere on their body as protection form polar bears and enraged Quebecois." - Faye Whitaker (Questionable Content)
"A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a principle; and patriotism is loyalty to that principle." ~ George William Curtis
"The Pill makes her crazy? Falk, she is crazy. The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare." - David Dobel
"The point is: we disagree. On first principles, Mr. Speaker, we disagree. That is not rancor, that is democracy. You should me a nation without partisanship, and I'll show you tyranny.....It is not the principled partisan -- however obnoxious he may seem to his opponents -- who degrades our public debate, but the preening, self-styled statesman who elevates compromise to a first principle......For the true statesmen, Mr. Speaker, are not defined by what they compromise, but what they don't." - Rep. Tom Delay, in his last speech in Congress
"You ever wonder if Crop Circles are just Target advertisements?" - Dennis Miller
"Threesomes are a lot like Communism - they're a great idea on paper but in reality they rarely work out well." - Dora, a character on the webcomic Questionable Content
"No way! Gary Busey again?" - Schrodinger's Kitten, on seeing the following crawl on CNN: Star Wears Shirt, No Pants to Walk of Fame
"My friend Jenna can party more than anyone I ever met....except for Katie Couric: that bitch can drink!" - From an episode of The Loop
Destany: Cheers to myself, because I'm the only one who matters
Terra: That's because you're the only one who's drinking, you dirty slut
"It's not a lie...it's a terminalogical inexactitude." - Alexander Haig.
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?" --Ronnie Shakes
"I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is." - Dorothy Boyd
"All the cool kids have [vaginas]" -Dragon
It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others. - Helen Rowland
"Was that one of the more satisfying dumps you've had?"-Sideline reporter Suzy Shuster to Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan after he was doused with Gatorade
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds. It dies of weariness and withering and tarnishing. - Anais Nin
PEGGY (to Bobby): I'm not sure what this means, but I once heard that when you're stuck in an unpleasant situation, it helps to just lie back and think of England.
COTTON: That's enough, Hank's wife. If you got any more feelin's to express, get in the kitchen and put 'em in a bundt cake! - From King of the Hill
"Love is blind but lust has impressive sonar." - R.K. Milholland
"New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain
"I am absolutely convinced that the North Koreans are absolutely sincere. There’s really no reason for them to cheat [on nukes]....I looked them right in the eyes. And they looked like they meant the truth. You know, just because somebody’s done something wrong in the past doesn’t mean they can’t do right in the future or the present. That happens all the, all the time." -Ted Turner
"I bet Jesus would be in the bars and brothels, and not think twice about it. I bet Jesus wouldn’t even blink at someone smoking a cigarette, sipping a beer, or using foul language, and I bet it wouldn’t dissuade him from hanging with those “types” of people. I bet Jesus would spend time talking to the Homeless, the Hookers, the Hoods. I bet Jesus would go visit the Felons, the Freaks, and the Faggots. I bet Jesus wouldn’t pay any attention to these labels we give people, whether they roll off our tongues, or just slide through our heads, unspoken, but there all the same. If Jesus were here today I bet we would be collectively shocked to find out what Jesus thinks, what he would say, where he would go, and what he would do." -from #86 For Christ's Sake
"He has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" -Tom Armstrong
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present" -Anonymous
"Roses are Reddish/Violets are Bluish/If it wasn't for Christmas/We'd all be Jewish." -Benny Hill
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' ~Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"