Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML [Hyperion - You say C-Section, I say frigid.]
Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML [Hyperion - Just one more reason not to say "Bless You"]
Today, I was at the beach and I met a surfer with scars all over his back. Trying to make conversation, I asked "So how'd you get those cool scars? Coral?" To which he replied "Horrific childhood abuse, actually. But yeah, they're pretty cool." FML [H - If you had real balls your next move is to ask him if his mom is seeing anyone]
Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML [Hyperion - I so have to tell Monk about this. He'll get a kick out of it.]
Today, my five-year-old came home from summer camp crying because her friends and counselors had all laughed at her when she couldn't identify colors correctly during a game. My husband then confessed that he had taught her colors wrong because he thought it would be funny. FML [Hyperion - I bet money most of you are horrified by the father, but (perhaps inadvertantly), it's actually fabulous parenting, and I'm not even kidding. If you look at the big picture, the kid got laughed at once. She's young, and can learn them correctly. What this teaches the child, though, is to question the "official" story. If this lesson can take root, that kid is way better off than the hurt caused by a bad afternoon.]
Today, after a fight with my sister, I took a shower. While rinsing out my "conditioner" I realized with horror what my sister had done for revenge. Her bottle of Nair was empty, my bottle of conditioner was full, and my hair was being washed down the drain. FML [H - This sounds like bullshit to me, but let us grant it as true: what would a girl have to do to you for you to do that in return?]
Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML [Hyperion - Being unmarried (and therefore a virgin) I know nothing of these things. But I always thought women would like that!]
Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML [Hyperion - Why have I never thought of this? I am so doing this from now on.]
Today, I had sex with my fiancee. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML [Hyperion - Here's the true tragedy: I gaurandamntee you, I mean, I bet my life on it, that she looked at the other pairs, and if they were larger sizes than her own...she felt a little bit better. Don't even front, ladies. You know you'd do the same.]
Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML [H - What an amateur. He could have had her drive, breaking up with her at his curb after it was over. That way he could drink during the movie!]
Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML [H - The best way I can think of to ruin a hundred kids' lives without becoming a pedophile.]
Today, I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML [H - Hey, it could be worse. He could ask to join in, and you know the pressure to get along with your girlfriend's dad....]
Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML [H - I never thought of this. Next time my sister drinks I am going to try to get her to do this. Hmmmm. On second thought, I can see it somehow going horribly wrong. By the way, Lacey was obviously the girl from the FML right above this one, yes?]
Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML [H - That is pretty much instant anullment, right, ladies?]
Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML [Hyperion - Am I crazy, or should one of those "all in the same house" reality shows introduce lizards and 2500 baby crickets as an element of drama?]
Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML [H - I have heard of Doggy Style, but that is just ridiculous. (Thank you; I will be here all the week!)]
Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML [H - Sex & Cookies and she is still complaining - WHAT DO YOU BITCHES WANT???]
Some of my favorite recent comics
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Monday, October 05, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Anyway, the other day I saw this hilarious "spoof" of one of Gwyneth's cooking videos. I thought I would present both, just to be fair. The first is Gwyneth making some chicken for dinner. The second....well, see for yourself.
GWYNETH COOKS DINNER FOR THE FAMILY
GWYNETH COOKS DINNER FOR THE FAMILY (PLAYED BY ABBY ELLIOTT)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
[Ain't it the truth...]
[I would learn to play Tuba just to do this]
[Thass what I'm talkin' 'bout!]
[Dagwood is so right - it is hard to do ANYTHING when pizza is on the table.]
[I feel their pain]
[This is my philosophy]
[So so True. Girls ARE weird. And YES, I am talking about you!]
Friday, August 21, 2009
My friend Nezemnaya sent it to me - I think it is European, as I cannot imagine the commercial running in America. Maybe in Canada; they are a little sluttier up there, but even then I am doubtful.
[Is it wrong that I spent an hour trying to think of a good Pickle joke? Sigh. I need help]
Friday, July 31, 2009
A few of my recent favorites......
Andy on.....Updating the Bible
[Hyperion - Turns out the Lord allowed 144 characters instead of 140]
Andy on.....Modern Feminism
[Hyperion - Andy and I are both passionate about our ardent Feminism]
[Hyperion - Some girls got it, some girls don't]
Andy's wife Flo on.....Creative Accounting
[Hyperion - Flo should come work on the Obama Health Care Team. (It was either that or go with some crack about "chick logic." I couldn't decide.)]
Andy on.....Healing a Wounded Heart
[Hyperion - Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do]
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
[This was a story the Monkey Barners did back in 2007, to commemorate the last Harry Potter movie release. Each day was a new chapter by a different author. The only rule? THERE WERE NONE. Hope you enjoy the nuttienes.
Harry Potter and the Haunted Monkey Barn.
Harry Potter stepped off the Hogwarts express gingerly, stretching his legs with his House Gryffindor compatriots. Up and down the train, others were doing the same,
A Spring Break spent searching the moldy corners of the Haunted Monkey Barn might not be anyone's first choice, but when you consider the other two choices (Euro Disney and Paris Hilton's urinary tract), nobody was complaining.
Well, almost nobody.
"I don't see why we have to spend our time in some sodding barn!" Draco Malfoy said spiritedly. "My father booked an entire floor at the Mandalay in Vegas. Why couldn't we have gone there?"
Other students chimed in too, until Professor McGonagall swooped in, glaring at Draco. "Mr. Malfoy, that will be quite enough out of you!" Draco started protesting but professor McGonagall was having none of it, and dragged the yelping boy off.
"Of all the Minerve!" Pansy Parkinson said, preening as the others congratulated her on the fine pun. Fun was short-lived, however, as Professor Sprout and Professor Snape herded the students onto invisible John Deere tractors (visible only to those who had cut grass or stepped in cow pies) and on to the Haunted Monkey Barn.
According to their itinerary, the students were all supposed to meet in the Foyer. "How do we know we are in the foyer?" Ron asked.
Hermione pointed. "I think that's our clue."
Everyone just looked at her dumbly, and Hermione ground her teeth.
Once inside the Barn the students were met by a curator. The man was completely normal except for the fact that he wore no pants and spoke with a speech impediment.
And was a duck.
"If it were not for the speech impediment, the lack of trousers and the undeniable "fowl" appearance to him our guide would look quite normal indeed." Said Hermione Granger, grinning at her own pun. When no one offered praise as they had for Pansy Hermione grumbled under her breath, "Stupid Bitch. I wish her name was Pansy Chlamydia!" This gave Hermione an idea.
Meanwhile Ron and Harry were taking bets on what sort of punishment Professor McGonagall was giving out to Draco.
"I bet it's a spanking!" Dean Seamus said wiggling his eyebrows.
"Yeah, she could paddle him with that Quidditch broom he's so bloody proud of!" Lee Jordan chimed in.
Neville Longbottom had his own take: "I hope the professor takes that Malfoy by his Ж€£¥¥%¿µ and makes him ؤست£إ¶#&* her #^¢¤¤§® ¡جنص‡."
No one really had an answer for that.
The truth was soon to be revealed, as the students soon became tired of hearing the duck go on and on about "Whatever you do, beware the evil Lord Voldemonkey" and went off to explore. They came upon a door and heard cries from within. Wand at the ready, Harry pulled open the door and gaped with astonishment as he saw professor McGonagall and Draco Malfoy right dab in the middle of…..
....tickle torture. Draco was in his underwear, spread eagle and tied to a wooden table. Professor McGonagall was orchestrating three feather dusters from her seat in the corner of the room. The feather dusters tickled him under each arm and each foot. Draco was screaming and giggling at the same time. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face.
Ron and Harry actually felt sorry for Draco. "The poor bastard." Harry said. The others nodded silently.
"Serves him right. He should have followed the rules." Hermione opined.
“You can be really heartless, Hermione.” Pansy spat. Hermione glared back at Pansy but soon smiled to herself as thoughts of how she would get her revenge swirled in her head.
"Do shut up, Mr. Malfoy and take your punishment like a wizard!" Prof. McGonagall said. "Besides, you don't want to wake Lord Voldemonkey. If you wake him, he'll make this punishment seem like a day at the beach."
The curator walked in after the group and was annoyed at what he saw. He immediately recognized the feathers on those dusters
“W-w-w-hat are you d-d-d-doing! Th-th-those are my ne-ne-nephews!” he screamed at Professor McGonagall.
“Oh, very well. I think Mr. Malfoy has learned his lesson.”
With a flick of her wand, Draco was dressed and sitting upright on the table. Ron and Harry helped Draco off the table because the "poor bastard" was still giggling/crying and he couldn’t control his movements. The feathers returned to their original duck forms and the ducks were none too happy about their transformation. They began squawking their disapproval at their curator uncle and the professor.
“Quiet. He’ll hear you.” Professor McGonagall said trying to calm them. She looked genuinely worried. “You don’t want to upset him, trust me.” It was no use; the ducks would not stop squawking. Their squawks grew louder and louder.
The wooden table started to shake and soon all the furniture in the room shook. A bright light appeared from underneath a trap door on the floor near where Pansy stood.
“Oh d-d-d-d-d-dear! Oh m-m-m-m-my! “ said the curator. “This is n-n-n-n-not g-g-g-g-good.”
Curious, Pansy bent down and opened the trap door. The light shone brighter than any light they had ever seen. Pansy covered her eyes and screamed in pain. “I’m blind! I’m blind!” She tried to run away but the light had her trapped. Her screams were silent now and her skin seemed to be melting.
“Help her!” Harry screamed at Professor McGonagall, shaking her out of her shocked state. “Do something, she’s dying!”
Professor McGonagall tried to counter the attack by placing a protective shield around Pansy using her wand. The shield did not hold and now both the professor and Pansy were consumed by the light. Silent screams etched the pain on their faces.
The others looked on helplessly, not knowing what to do. Harry immediately covered those around him with his invisibility cloak. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville and Dean huddled close together and watched horrified as……
The silence of the screams began to spread like a puddle of blood. It was not just the absence of noise, but a kind of silence that had a presence all its own, the spectral opposite of a thunderbolt. It went right through intolerable, painful noise and out the other end. And, it was beginning to encroach on their little huddle under the invisibility cloak, making even their own clenched squeals and whispers fade into an aural abyss, sucking at their very breath.
Hermione managed, “You know, just because we’re invisible doesn’t mean we’re not here.” The light was becoming unbearable even with their backs turned toward it.
Ron instinctively bolted for the exit, throwing off the cloak. He got only three steps toward the door and tripped. A spectacular explosion tossed him against the desiccated walls of the barn, with a noise like the projectile flatulence of a thousand trolls. And a very sick hippo. He had stepped on a duck. The light shrunk into a point inside Pansy’s forehead, faded, and a look of serene relief came to her face. Then she exploded, showering the room with bits of Pansy cloak, Pansy blood, and Pansy ass. The trap door thudded shut as if pulled from below.
A normal sort of quiet returned to the room while the junior wizards crept out from beneath the cloak. It had shielded them from most of the mess, leaving them shaken but unhurt. The duck, Professor McGonagall, and Pansy were gone. Harry ran his hands through his hair repeatedly, trying to sort out the events. “What was that?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s helpful,” said Hermione. “Why don’t we all just sit around and ask each other?” Her bitterness was just beginning to swell at the realization that she wouldn’t get to wreak revenge on Pansy for all the sour looks, sly jabs, and (she hated to admit) the bigger rack that Pansy flaunted. She began stomping around, overturning rubble, recklessly looking for clues. Harry joined the search, keeping a watchful eye on the trap door.
“I think the duck was trying to work a spell, and Ron interrupted its concentration,” Harry guessed.
Malfoy snorted, began stammering, and quickly recovered his powers of self-righteous sputtering. “You’ve managed to do it again, you raggedy no-good half-wizards! Now we’re stuck here in a haunted barn with no professors and something deadly…”
“And you’ve wet yourself,” Neville interrupted. Dean burst out laughing, while Neville sheepishly shrugged and said, “Well, it’s true. And it smells like the time you shat yourself back in grade school.” Draco shook with rage, balled up his fists, and stormed past his tormentors. He flung open the nearest door and half jumped, half fell a few feet to soft, lumpy ground. Harry and Hermione leaned out the door to see Malfoy buried up to his armpits in grey, greasy mud. Their laugh was quickly stifled by the scene beyond.
It wasn’t quite outdoors, but it was too vast to be a proper room. The place was lit from everywhere, like the inside of a cloud on a sunny day, and just as bleak. Massive shapes moved in the hazy distance. As Harry took a step backward, pulling Hermione with him, an enormous hairy foot came slamming from above, driving Draco Malfoy into the next world with a soggy crunch. Hermione leaned out to see the whole of the beast, discovering that the foot belonged to a giant spotted monkey. It looked down at her with a smile she couldn’t define as either menacing or kind. She turned to the others and said, “I’m going to ride it.” With that, she scrambled up on its neck, kicked her heels, and it lumbered off into the mist with her hanging on tightly.
Her manic screams faded, and the room was mostly still again. Just then Harry noticed something amiss. Where was Ron?
"Who the bloody hell cares where Weasley is!" Draco sniveled, writing in the mud. "Somebody get me out of this!".
Because for at that very moment, a distant flare shot off into the sky. Purple and sparkly, it arched into the sky, bright in the murky grey ceiling above them. It then suddenly exploded into a picture, forming into a shape of...a monkey slinging poo.
Neville gasped. "It's...it's...."
Harry uttered the fatal words..."Voldemonkey".
Everyone turned to him in unison "He Who Must Not Be Smelled!" they screamed.
Harry apologized, and kicked the mud.
He looked at his compatriots that had surrounded him. His beloved Ron and Hermione were gone - Ron to who knows where, and Hermione off flying on a gigantic spotted monkey. Harry had a brief thought that Ron and Hermione seemed to disappear together an awful lot. They'd suddenly spout off an excuse of 'homework' or 'practice spells' and then would manage to slip away. He thought he heard the word 'anal sex' once as they scuttled off into the hallway. If he didn't know better, he'd think they were....nah, he laughed. Ridiculous.
With the symbol of Voldemonkey fading in the sky, the group re-assembled. Professor McGonagall herded Prefessor Trelwaney toward the students, everyone apprehensive.
"Students!" the Professor enunciated. "Let's not over-react. The symbol of 'He Who Shall Not Be Smelled' is not necessarily the sign of the evil itself. It may be only one of it's followers. We must stick together, and..."
Suddenly Professor Trelwaney convulsed, and her eyes rolled back into her head. She managed to stand, but the mouth hung slack, and a deep booming voice came from within...
The crowd stirred in silence.
"Lord Voldemonkey. That funky monkey."
Harry cocked an eyebrow in confusion.
"We're offered Moet - we don't mind Chivas Wherever we go with bring the Voldemonkey with us..."
Trelwaney dwindled off. As everyone stood in silence.
"It means he's here!" Draco screamed like a girl. A real girl bitch-slapped him. He liked it. They began to make out.
Here? Harry thought. What would he do? His scar began to ache. He longed for Ron and Hermione more than ever. Maybe he could find them before it was too late?
Everyone turned to back to Professor McGonagall for guidance.
"We must take this prophecy as truth - 'He Who Shall Not be Smelled'...must be...must be...oh dear...he must be SMELLED!" She shuddered in fear at the thought.
The crowd screamed, but Harry sighed. 'Again?' he thought.
Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, a bright flash of light illuminated them all. When it faded, there stood Severus Snape. And a figure stood next to him. Harry squinted. It couldn't be! he thought...
(Lady Jane Scarlett)
Snape appeared with Saibot, his pet squibb. Saibot was a wretched beast, his nose hair dangled below a pair of snarled lips and a lone brown tooth. A crooked twig took the place of a wand. Poor Saibot did not know better for he was born a squibb and his momma did not teach him common sense. Snape sneered and pulled back his greasy hair to reveal a scar similar to Harry's on the right side of his forehead. Snape giggled with glee and said "Now you shall know the velocity of our menace!". Snape revealed that his scar was caused by an errant release of Voldemonkey's most powerful weapon-the Beeno. Snape considered the scar a blessing, and when his scar began to tingle, Snape knew that his Lord was making others suffer.
"Finally the Odoriferous One has arrived. May you all revel in his glorious stench!" Snape cried and began to two-step with his squibb.
The shadow of Voldemonkey loomed above the haunted barn. At any moment, a smell that would draw out happiness would appear. Harry knew from experience that he would be helpless unless he acted quickly. Harry muttered "Snottify", and a thick protective coating shielded his head from the incoming air biscuit attacks.
Although Neville and Professor McGonagall were quick to follow Harry's lead, Professor Trelwaney forgot where her wand was. It was horrible to watch the green cloud of doom engulf first her hair, then tickle her nostrils. As Professor Trelwaney became immersed in the poisonous green cloud, she began to writhe and convulse. Soon she disappeared, never to be heard (or smelled) again.
Harry would hear no more of it. He said to Saibot "You are more than a pet, you are a secret keeper aren't you? What secret are you holding for Snape?"
Saibot hissed. That was all he could do, besides two-stepping and cooking up a mean batch of chili.
Just then, in the midst of his phlegm-covered head, Harry heard a quiet moan. He followed the moan to a seemingly solid door, but could not go any further. Harry thought "I need to find who is making that noise". Just then, a brick moved and revealed a doorway. Ron, Hermione and Luna were there. But what were they doing?
Harry approached them trio hastily and making all sort of noise and said “Finally, there you are. Luna where did you…”
Hermione shhhed him and turn to the door behind them. As Hermione worked her magic to open the door with the usual “Alohamora!” the others gestured for Harry to keep silent. The door had already popped open and Hermione was stepping into the next room as Harry stood there dumb founded, he had that Ron’s zipper was down. That boy still hasn’t figured how to dress himself, thought Harry as he was grabbed by the shirt front and pulled through the door by Ron and Luna after Hermione.
They were in a kitchen with a roaring fire and a table with two figures sitting at it. They had been speaking in hushed tones but, stopped at the site of Hermione, Ron, Harry and Luna. The one stood up and walked over to the group.
“What are you four doing in here?” questioned Hagrid.
“Oh, Hagrid! Lord Voldemonkey has returned!” said Hermione, sounding a bit relieved to see the games’ keeper, it was as though she hadn’t noticed the other figure in the room. Harry wondered how that was possible since he took up almost as room as Hagrid.
“Hagrid, who is that?” Harry questioned back.
“Oh, that?” Hagrid glanced back to the table. “That’s no one. Just the keeper of this barn.”
“Keeper of the barn? Funny, he bares a striking resemblance to you. What do you all belong to some kind of club,” asked Ron chuckling.
Up stood a dashingly handsome tall figure with wide shoulders, he sauntered over, bowed his head and put forth his hand, “It is nice to finally meet you, Mr. Potter, Miss. Granger, and I’m sorry I don’t recognize you, Miss...?
“Looney…uh Luna,” said Hermione quickly correcting herself and blushing.
“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Hagrid’s distant cousin, and the keeper of keys and grounds of the MonkeyBarn, Hyperion. Hagrid has said much about you.”
Chapter 7 – All's Well that Ends
(by Tobias the River Midget, Hogwarts Class of '05; "We'll Hufflepuff your house down!")
Everyone looked at Hagrid and Hyperion, who began kissing in a slobbery fashion. "Gross!" said Ron, feelingly. "I had no idea you were a poofter, Hagrid."
"'At's untrue, 'on!" Hagrid said, continuing his assault on first letters of words (or his ongoing quest to bring Cockney to Wizarding; no one was sure which). "Hyperion and I have one rule…."
Together they both recited, "Never in the butt!"
Hyperion added helpfully, "We may be semi-incestuous giants with a love for all things Judy Garland, but we're not freaks!"
"'eah!" Hagrid added fervently." "'hat 'oo 'ake us 'or, 'yan 'dams?"
Hyperion translated: "What'd you take us for, Ryan Adams?"
Just then Snape showed up, with that villainous look that only he (and possibly Alan Rickman) could pull off.
"If you want to survive Lord Voldemonkey, I suggest you do exactly as I say."
"I thought you were bad!" Hermione squeaked.
Snape raised one eyebrow comically and intoned, "That's the thing about me; everything I say is open to multiple interpretations."
Everyone looked around, not sure what to do, until Luna pointed out helpfully, "At least he's not Ryan Adams." With that sobering thought, they all decided to trust Snape; for now. Worst case scenario, they could always go back in time and re-cast his part with Dustin Diamond.
Snape explained how they were to defeat the foul-smelling Lord. "To attempt to smell him directly is too dangerous. We must fight fire with fire. Therefore, I have made up a potion which will allow you to strike back. The potion contains the following ingredients: 10 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, ten pounds of huevos rancheros, 10 pounds of Oreos, ten pounds of baked beans cooked in Jack Daniels' sauce, ten pounds of cauliflower soaked in cheese whiz, ten pounds of 'extra hot' hot wings, ten pounds of curried lamb and ten pounds of boiled cabbage."
Most of the group started getting sick just thinking about what the potion was going to taste like, let alone produce. Hagrid and Hyperion looked at each other, the same thought passing through each of their minds: Thank God we're not like Ryan Adams.
Persnicketedly Hermione pointed out, "This won't work for the girls because everyone knows that girls don't pass gas."
Snape raised that eyebrow again. "I assure you, Miss Granger, that the stinking foul mess that emanates from girls' backsides is no worse than what comes out from their fronts."
Everyone—even Draco—looked utterly aghast that Snape would make such a remark. Professor MacGonagall rose up to make a withering reply, then remembered she'd died several chapters ago and faded away. Finally Snape clarified, in that inimitable Snape-like way: "I was talking, of course, about the meaningless and in this case time-consuming and possibly life-dooming prattle that you ladies feel the need to spew out of your mouths nonstop."
The girls walked out red-faced and Hagrid asked Harry what Snape had said. When Harry repeated it Hagrid said, "'o, 'not the 'unny 'uice, then?"
After that it was all over but the final battle. I'd tell you more about it, but that would defeat the purpose of not telling you. Know only that everyone who was supposed to die died, everyone who was supposed to live lived, everyone who was supposed to get beaten got beaten, and it all came out well in the end.
If you know what I mean….
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Okay, this is the Ducktales theme song (from the '80s theme song)
Listen to the song once (just over a minute). These are the lyrics:
Here in Duckburg
Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes
It's a duck-blur
Might solve a mystery
Or rewrite history
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Every day they're out there making
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Tales of daring do bad and good
LuckTales (oooh ooooh)
When it seems they're heading for the
Cool deduction never fails
That's for certain
The worst of messes
D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some DuckTales
D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some ...
Not pony tales or cotton tales, no
DuckTales (ooh ooooh)
Okay - If you already listened to it, then you're ready for the idea. (I really can't believe I just thought of it - everything lines up PERFECTLY!!!) Here it is. Listen to the song again, sing along, but this time, change every "D" in the word Duck to "F."
I'm not Ducking kidding.
Listen to the song with that in mind.
HOW PERFECT IS THAT?????
Every piece fits!
You'll find yourself humming it at work tomorrow. YOU WILL.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
But I'm not content to leave it there. I like to cull through the posts on FMyLife.com, and pick my favorites. Then I add snarky comments of my own and share with you, who in turn can share snarky comments of your own on top of mine! (It's a Circle of Life thing.)
Warning: I was in a particularly bad mood when I wrote these, so don't read them if you have no sense of humor. (Or if you're on the rag.)
Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML [Hyperion - Ladies, would this upset you? I totally feel your pain. Call me and we can talk about it.]
Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML [Hyperion - the dude didn't realize it, but this was a blessing in disguise. Logs HATE to be snuck up upon.]
Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML [Hyperion - This happened to me in 10th Grade. I don't want to talk about it.]
Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML [Hyperion - She should say yes, if only to see balls that big up close and personal.
Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML [Hyperion - I suppose it would really come down to WHERE the TP got left behind.]
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML [Hyperion - I'm so doing this (you know, if I ever manage to break up with a girl before she breaks up with me)]
Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML [Hyperion - I feel the same way about whores.]
Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML [Hyperion - I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me, not that exact situation, but the phone dying AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME. Luckily I'm known as someone who never hangs up on people, but still; it's damned awkward.]
Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML [Hyperion - From now on, all booty calls to exes should be known as " trashcan icecream]
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML [Hyperion - Doesn't the governor have better things to do than post on FML.com?]
Today, I received the final piece of puzzle that my boyfriend of two years has been sending me through the mail for the last week. Turns out, it wasn't a love letter like I originally thought it was. He was breaking up with me via a puzzle through the mail. FML [Hyperion - I'd prefer a crossword puzzle, but this is classy, too. You gotta respect that kind of style.]
Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML [Hyperion - On the plust side, he can now brag to his friends about all the pussy he eats.]
Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML [Hyperion - This is me not feeling sorry for him.]
Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things i wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML [Hyperion - Admit it; your first thought involved Pat Sajackoff]
Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML [Hyperion - Note to Dan: Dude, you already know the chick has sex outside of marriage! What'd you expect, dawg?]
Today, my fiance of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML [Hyperion - Seems like a good way to comfort him in his "upset" time would be some sex. Maybe he'd come around. Or at least come.]
Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML [Hyperion - Nobody likes an optimist.]
Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML. [Hyperion - Well, that's almost too excellent for words, right there. For years, it's been a running inside joke when someone makes a bad justification argument to say, "Well, Hitler loved Children." Now, however, I think it's going to have to be replaced. As counters to bad justification arguments, or hell, just for fun on a Saturday night, the new thing to say is, "Well, in his defense, Hitler was great at oral." I bet it was that tiny mustache!]
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Meant to post this the day after the Finals. With those fantastic Black/White "Where Amazing Commercials" the NBA ran this spring, it's good to remember the greatness of long ago. (My favorite part is the lady jumping up and down while sitting in her seat, and of course ending with Jack.)
And for what it's worth, I thought Bill Simmons had an interesting (if somewhat contradictory) take on the place of Kobe and Phil Jackson in the pantheon.
Monday, June 15, 2009
1) What "advantages" is the big guy talking about?
2) Why does the older woman pick up an accent as she's talking?
3) Although the commercial seems to strongly indicate that people dispose of toilet paper while standing, let's assume for the sake of argument that the Comfort Stick is going to have a lot in common with its second cousin the Shoehorn. Therefore, would you be any more comfortable using someone esle's Comfort Stick as you would be their tooth brush, deodorant, douche or suppository?
4) FINALLY: Whether you could use this product or not, would you sign a petition promising--under penalty of perjury--to buy it if they changed the name from COMFORT WIPE to POO STICK?
Friday, June 12, 2009
True of False: if everyone in FASHION was put to the sword and we started over...would Women be better or Worse off?
[And so I don't have a suspicious mob, I found the picture on the Internet to illustrate the body type I was talking about. I even hotlinked the girl just to prove it. (Does "hotlinked the girl" sound dirty? No? Just me, then.)]
Saturday, June 06, 2009
I got excited when LJS told me she only wore a thong, so I asked her to take a pic and send it, which she was lovely enough to do.
Thanks, Lady Jane!
Friday, June 05, 2009
There are a lot of ways to go, here. I could continue the Economy joke, I could make a Lorena Bobbit reference, or even muse on the time-honored tradition of post breakup bootycalls. But I'll let you fill in the blanks.
(By the way, if you're a guy, you need to get Girls and Sports" emailed to you every morning. It's a fantastic comic strip from a guy's point of view. And ladies, you'll enjoy because it offers insight into the modern male mind, such as it is.)
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
WARNING: My comments, while hilarious, are less sensitive as they are "really really mean." You've been warned.
Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML [Hyperion - Some people just don't appreciate a good education.]
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML [Hyperion - Okay. Most of you ladies are not in relationships with me, which means you're unsatisfied, which means you likely have dildos. That being the case, I DEMAND that you start calling them your "Sword of Death."]
Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML [Hyperion - Ahh, MILF's. I never get tired of you and your would-be slutty ways. Remember kids, the one thing you know about a single mother: she puts out.]
Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML [Hyperion - I had the same thing happen, but the other way around.]
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just amateur hour. It'd be one thing if he was masturbating, but....]
Today, I went to the gynecologist for my annual. He took a seat in his stool, looked at my vaginal area, and said, "Oh yeah, that's angry." FML [Hyperion "Angry Vagina" would make a great name for something. Maybe a van, but more likely a poetry bar.]
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking: "What can I get for you cuntie?" FML [Hyperion - I'm so calling "something" Cuntie for a pet name. Maybe not a little girl, but there are a few big girls out there who might fit the nickname juuuuust right.]
Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As i put my hand in his boxers he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML. [Hyperion - It's times like that you find out if your "I've looked everywhere for my contact!" story will really fly (no pun intended).]
Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he proceeded to say, "Heaviest in back." FML [Hyperion - Try to work "Heaviest in back" into a conversation today. The person you're talking to won't know what you mean; it will be your own private joke.]
Today, me and my girlfriend were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint? She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12 inch Ham Sub. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just classless. A Breakup Sub should be Meatball or higher. Personally I recommend the Steak and Cheese. Timeless.]
Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML [Hyperion - As my friend Wayne would say, "Get the net." Sadly, she won't have broken up with him over this. She'll still bend over backwards (literally) to please him. Why oh why would people continue to treat her so badly? It's a mystery.]
Today is the five year anniversery of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML [Hyperion - That dude is such an idiot. Get a clue, man! It's hard for her to talk with her mouth full.]
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Pickles on CATCH 22 (What can you do?)
Pickles on GOOD ADVICE (Who knew?)
Pickles on LIFE IS LIKE (An FML moment if I ever heard one.)
Pickles on LIFE IS LIKE - PART 2 (I highly recommend the fetal position. If you ever date you'll be there eventually anyways)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML [Hyperion - Obviously this girl wasn't MB's Dragon, or the parents would be dancing for joy.]
Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML [Assuming that time spent with mom was dinner earlier in the evening, and not at the strip club....how insane is this girl? Then again, if she (apparently) lives with him or has access to his place, why wasn't she out partying? Maybe she had to work. All I know is that she's psycho...I bet the sex is great.]
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML [Hyperion - There is no excuse for a woman w/out medical issues to be 35 w/out having had an orgasm. Clearly this chick can give herself one; what was she doing the last 20 years?]
Today, my daughther said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML [Hyperion - If you're buying your underage daughter a thong, you're probably not the kind of mother who deserves a ton of love.]
Today, my dad got really drunk. When I was about to go to bed, he was just coming out of the bathroom, he was fully naked, I immediately turned away and said "Okay Dad, time for bed". Thinking that I was my mum, he replied with "That's right bitch, I'm your daddy, I'll show you in bed". FML [Hyperion - Could be worse. He could've been sober.]
Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that I could never marry him because he's a Yankees fan. He told me he could never marry me because he couldn't see himself having terrible sex for the rest of his life. He was serious. FML [Hyperion - You gotta just tip your capt to that kind of come back. I mean, there is NOTHING she can do in response. Brutal.]
Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burgled. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML [Hyperion - Hard to believe a girl who says "burgled" doesn't have more friends.]
Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then proceeds to respond, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML [Hyperion - And that little girl's grandma grew up to be Speaker of the House....]
Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML [Hyperion - Women say they want us to communicate, but they don't mean it.]
Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML [Hyperion - I'm by no means perfect. I used to get Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman confused, and Jeff Daniels and Jeff Bridges confused, and your guess is as good as mine if it's a Brandy song or a Monica song. But I have never gotten Star Trek and Star Wars confused. Yes, anyone can have a slip of the tongue, but how can you get the two concepts confused? Yet I'm here to tell you: girls do it all the time. It's not enough to break up with them, though. Here's the key: are they willing to watch Star Wars, and only occasionally talk about how cute teh Ewoks are? If so, you can put up with the name mixups and their referring to Stormtroopers as "Marshmallow Men."]