Shaq as Beyonce for Halloween

I don't know how to say this, but Shaq makes for one fine-lookin' 7'1" 350 lb woman

What else is there?

I was going to make a list of things I regret, but then I didn't.  I regret not making that list. 

...And the moment Man does come up with a way Woman will "accidentally" brush her sideboob against his arm and Man will be done for. 

I was trying to decide what joke to go with, and couldn't decide between something along the lines of "What they lose in mph on their fastball they make up for with craftiness" or something along the lines of "I'm a big fan of the Farm system."  Now that I think about it, I wish I had worked on developing a "you can send them out on the mound every 5 days and feel comfortable that they'll give you 6 good innings and won't be upset if they take a pounding" type of joke.  Sigh. Next time.  

[Afraid to say anything...]

Greatest NBA Commercial Ever?

Meant to post this the day after the Finals. With those fantastic Black/White "Where Amazing Commercials" the NBA ran this spring, it's good to remember the greatness of long ago. (My favorite part is the lady jumping up and down while sitting in her seat, and of course ending with Jack.)





And for what it's worth, I thought Bill Simmons had an interesting (if somewhat contradictory) take on the place of Kobe and Phil Jackson in the pantheon.

Best Trick Shot EVER!

It's hard to see what's actually going on here, but this is the most amazing trick shot in the history of the Universe.

By tradition, on the 16th hole of the Masters (during a practice round), the players try to "skip" the ball across the water onto the green. This is pretty hard to do, and any player who does it is given a well-deserved round of applause.

But Vijay Singh....and I don't even like the guy! Vijay makes the shot! This has to blow away any full-court heave you've ever seen on the basketball court.

P.O.D. - Steeler Fan

Word on the Street is that all Steeler fans are like this.

Chris Berman interviews Obama/McCain on SPORTS

Last night at halftime of the Monday Night Football game Chris Berman did a short interview with Barack Obama and John McCain. The interviews were live via satelite. (Conducted live: they may have been shot earlier in the day.) I don't know if the candidates were given the questions beforehand, although this was more of a human interest piece, so it's not like it was tough to figure out.

Both Candidates were asked what was the most valuable thing they ever learned from the sporting world (either from watching sports in or their own lives), and also what one thing they would change about sports. Overall McCain was funnier, throwing in a few jokes that fans of Chris Berman would get, but Obama's answer almost made me weep with happiness. I'm still not planning on voting for either guy, but Obama picked the one thing that bugs me most about sports too, which was pretty moving. I tell you the truth: if I thought for a moment he might actually do something about it, that would be good enough reason for me to vote for him. (I think you'll all agree the BCS is far more important as a single issue than guns or when babies cease to be zombies or taxes or war or any of that inconsequential stuff.)

Here are the two videos:








If the videos won't work, here is the transcript. (They have the order backwards, which may or may not be biased, but it is accurate.)

Does the REDSKINS RULE predict the Election?

Former Monkey Dominique sent me an email last night, reminding me of the REDSKINS RULE. The idea is that:

If the Washington Redskins win their last home game before the election, the incumbent party will keep the White House. This has apparently proved true 16 out of 17 times, since 1936, with the lone exception being 2004. Another way to look at that would be it was accurate 16 times in a row, and then the cycle was broken 4 years ago, but whatever floats your boat.

Anyway, THE REDSKINS LOST TO THE STEELERS 23 - 6.

If the REDSKINS RULE is correct, this means Obama wins the election. (See more)

Free Taco From Taco Bell Today Only!!!!!!

Tampa Bay Short Stop Jason Bartlett stole a base in the first game of the World Series.






That wasn't it, but it's it's the best I could do, showing Jason stealing a base. The reason I bring this up is that his stolen base earns you a:

FREE TACO

Today, from 2 - 6 pm, Taco Bell is giving everyone who shows up a free taco because of Jason Bartlett. As I am stuck in this godforsaken house, I cannot get mine, but I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR OF ANY OF YOU SQUANDERING THIS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!


That is all.

[For more info, see http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/fan_forum/tacobell/]

Nike's innovative Tiger Woods commercials

For a long time, I thought Nike's commercial of Tiger doing tricks with his golf ball was the best. It was understated, fun and amazing.


Then, two years ago, Tiger won the British Open, the first tournament without his dad. Besides putting out a tribute commercial, Nike had this incredibly simple yet touching commercial of a young Tiger winning the British. There was something so pure and innocent about it, and I thought, "That cannot be topped."



However, debuting Sunday afternoon, on Father's Day, Tiger's first Father's Day as a father, was the video below. A Nike spokesperson explained that they wanted to tell a bit of a story, to help explain to people how Tiger got to be the way he is.

With what we knew Sunday, this year's U.S. Open was one of the best ever. With what we now know was going on, Tiger's performance and victory is the best yet.

And it makes this commercial all the more poignant and marmalade.

Best Horses Ever, in the Mind of a Duck

[Hyperion's Note: My good friend (and occasional lover) Sparky Duck posted the following over on his website Philly Transplant. He was kind enough to allow me to repost it here as well, for all those horse-lovers out there. (Joke omitted about Monkey Barn gals and their "love" of horses)]



This is actually a post idea that I got from a comment on my Kentucky Derby review post of last week. Good ole Hyperion asked a darn fine question. Plus, I think I am going to cross post this post on the Monkey Barn, just to hear what Hyperion thinks.

Hyperion said...

I'm not a big horse racing guy, but I have been watching the Triple Crown religiously for 20 years. I'm curious what the best horse and horse races you have seen.

The best duels were with Easy Goer and Sunday Silence, late '80s I think. The best horse, hands-down, was Point Given. To this day I can't figure out why he lost the Derby (his only loss ever, I believe). Just didn't want to win that one. Man, did he dominate in the Preakness and Belmont

And of course, being Hyperion, he does bring up some great horses to look at. Though of course, me being the duck that I am, I am going to have to quibble just a little bit.

I have been watching races since the early 80s. I still remember winning my family Preakness pool when Forty Niner hit on the board. So, I have lots of races tucked away in my feathery brain.

The best horse ever of course is Secretariat. His Belmont performance was sheer and utter domination. But, Secratariat was even before my time.



The best horse I have ever seen in person was Smarty Jones, but that was not really in a race since it was his retirement workout at Philadelphia Park. By then, Smarty was ready to start shagging, not racing. So, best I have seen at the time would be a tough call, between Hyperion's Point Given and Afleet Alex. Both horses had inexplicable faults in the Kentucky Derby and then went out and won the last 2 parts of the Triple Crown races, stomping the pretenders that had managed to defeat them in the Derby. I would probably give the nod to Point Given, based on bloodlines and his price, but Afleet Alex was also damned special.

Best race ever? Even tougher call, probably because as I watch, I am so impressed by some performances. Afleet Alex stumbling at the start of the Preakness and then cruising to a win. Though the most crushing race in the Triple Crown races at least of my past, has to be Real Quiet losing to Victory Gallop by a nose at the Belmont. My heart just sunk.



And for uplifting, check out what Rags to Riches did in the Belmont last year. While the field was a tad overrated, a Filly winning like that against the Stallions is special.

Sadness

Eight Belles

Kobe Bryant jumps an Aston Martin

This can't be real........can it?

Monkeys know clutch

Enough of this feminist talk from LJS. She is going to be the first barefoot and pregnant pirate in known history.

Let's talk about something important, which would be March Madness. This year has been one of the most boring, chalk tournaments in recent memory, save for Davidson. So I figured for my first barn post, I would share some of the greatest memories in my own college basketball memory bank. Buzzer beaters!

There is Bryce Drew leading Valparaiso, which sounds like a college in Greece, not Indiana, past Mississippi in 1998.



Then we have Tate George of Uconn, knocking off NCAA Violation in the making Clemson in 1990.

UCONN 1990


And of course, there is Christian Laettner, who by the way defeated the 1990 UConn team with Tate George on a buzzer beater. But his greatest college moment may have been in the greatest college basketball game I have ever seen, vs Kentucky in 1992.



What say you, did I miss one?

NFL Passer Ratings

Okay, this will probably appeal to no one, but I thought I'd throw it out there. I'm working on a big Sports column for the end of the year (or beginning of next year: whichever comes first). One of the things that piqued my interest is the bizarre way they calculate NFL Passer Ratings. Perfect is 158.3, a totally weird random number, and you don't even have to be perfect to score perfect! Find last night's Steelers/Rams game, and calculate Ben Roethlisbergers statistics. (I'm not including a link, because I figure if you don't know how to find and interpret a box score, you're not going to be able to help me, so this is a good way to weed people out.)

Anyway, Ben had a magnificent game, including a stellar 16 for 20 passing, 261 yards and 3 touch downs. It's awesome, but it's not perfect! So, how did he score a "Perfect" rating?

So, my plan is to work on a new formula. I suppose you wouldn't have to be a Sports Fan to help, just into math, but if you're interested, email me at hyperioninstitute@gmail.com and we'll get an email correspondence going.

Jingle Bells - Detroit Pistons style

If you are from Michigan, feel free to commit Sepuku after seeing this.

One of the funniest Christmas songs I've ever seen. You'll never look at Jingle Bells the same way. In particular Rasheed Wallace deserves some sort of award. At all costs DO NOT take your eyes off of him.




'Sheed, all is forgiven. You are loved by me once again.

Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report comes out at 2:00 today.



No, not Beverly Mitchell, the "uggo" from Seventh Heaven. This guy:



Former Senator Mitchell. The man who (supposedly) brought peace to Ireland. Who can leap tall buildings in a single bound. His report comes out today about Major League Baseball, about steroids. How big is the problem? Who is to blame? What can be done?

Yeah yeah yeah. No one cares about any of that stuff. What they want to know is: Who did it?

And this is where the problem lies. I haven't read the report yet, so I will hold off until I see what evidence they have, but you know most people will take any name in the report as an automatic Guilty Verdict, and that may not be the case.

Howard Bryant of ESPN.com has written an excellent article about how the Mitchell Investigators did (and did not) obtain their "information." If Bryant's information is correct, and I rather suspect it might be, many of these so-called guilty names will be hearsay at best. Hall of Fame careers can and likely will be ruined in fewer than five hours. But you, friend, you be one who doesn't just call for a noose. Read Bryant's article and see what you think, and then be a little more skeptical when these so-called guilty people are named.