Friday, March 30, 2007

Kermit - Hurt

When you speak of this to your friends--and I know you will--tell them that Tobias was the one who clued you in. Kermit doing Johnny ash (who is himself doing Trent Reznor):

Let me guess your reaction: you can't guess whether to laugh yourself into a coma or cry until your eyes are parched.

To see Johnny's version (the last song before he died): check out this video.

The NIN original can be found here, but remember: Trent has issues, so be careful if you're easily scared by creepy music videos.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Fat Rant

Lady Jane Scarlett's post got me thinking about the pressures society places on women to look a certain way. This topic generated a lively discussion among some of my coworkers over lunch today. Later this afternoon, one of them sent me this link.

Preach, sister!


Reality or Perception

Lately, I've been struggling with the concepts of reality and the perception of truth.

We know that every situation can be looked at many different ways. There is only one reality, right? If so, how can two people look at the same series of events and have two different perceptions of what the truth is? How can you tell who's version of reality is correct?

We each experience our own version of the truth and most of the time we are completely unable to relate to anyone else's version of reality. I can tell you how an apple tastes, but only how it tastes to me. You can share the same apple and have a completely different experience. Two realties?

So here is the question: Are these personal realities merely a result of perception, or are there multiple realities? Is there objective reality?


The Tudors

A few days ago I wrote about a preview for The Tudors I saw before 300. Well, the series starts Sunday, and IMDB is letting people watch the first two episodes to get people interested. From the press release:

"The Tudors": Watch the First Two Episodes Now on IMDb!

The Tudors The scandalous and turbulent early years of King Henry VIII's
rule are brought to life in "The Tudors", the new Showtime Original Series
about the monarch whose lust and appetites shaped both his kingdom and his
life. Jonathan Rhys Meyers stars as the young king, whose reign was marked
by treachery, betrayal and intrigue. Get a sneak preview and watch the first
two episodes on IMDb now (the first time full-length episodes have been
streamed on our site), and make sure to check out the photos, get local
listings, and visit the official site for "The Tudors". Watch the unedited
episodes only on Showtime, beginning Sunday, April 1 at 10 PM ET/PT.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Would you rather ......

Here's another question.

Would you rather....

never use the computer again OR never watch tv again?



Real Good Lies

Hyperion showed me how to embed videos, a fact he's going to soon come to regret.

I don't care what anyone says, Hilary Duff is not only hot, but this song (With Love) actually rocks. Screw anyone who doesn't like it. (Actually, just screw anyone hot):

This next one I found in my travels. It may not have come to you yet, so I wanted to be the first to present it. I have no idea what the animation thing is about, some Final Fantasy thing. (One of you nerds can fill in the blanks). But it's the only video I could find with the song. Listen to the song. which is called "Feel Good Lies" by some chick named Brooke Nolan. Pop Gold, Bitches!

After you're done, or if the video doesn't work, PLEEEEEEEESE check out her home site ( Have you seen a hotter sluttier picture today? I haven't. I'm definitely going to spend the next two hours looking for pix of this girl.

Oh, one thing. When she sings, "when you look me in the eye...." the next line is "MAKE A real good lie...."

I was hanging out with this girl in Kelowna, British Columbia and she heard the song and she loved it. However, when she started to sing it, she sang, "When you look me in the eye, nigga, real good lie."

(I know. Half of you are rolling your eyes, although, when you listen to the song, it DOES kind of sound like that, and with today's music....anyway, I know Hyperion is shaking his head in disgust that I would hang out with someone that dumb, but that's why he never gets much. Tobias, on the other hand, is all about the dumb-girl nookie. Hell, without it I might never get laid.)

I'm Audi 5000
li'l Tobias

Monday, March 26, 2007

Weekend TV

Thoughts on TV over the Weekend:


I meant to tell you all about this Friday, but then some idiot changed Monkey Barn to only allow one post. (Oh wait: that was me.) Anyway, last night The Discovery Channel started their new mini-series "Planet Earth."

I don't care how many nature documentaries you've seen, you have never seen anything like this. I got my parents to watch, and they were so enraptured they stayed through all three initial hours. There simply is nothing like it. With camera angles that are mind-boggling and photography that almost seems impossible, "Planet Earth" was a mini-series five years in the making: over 2000 days of shooting.

There's an encore tonight on The Science Channel, but I don't have that, so if you're like me, you can catch the initial three hours Sunday at noon, and then Sunday night at 8 is the regular two-hour block (with encore later that night).

Trust me Monkeys (and those standing outside the Barn in the cold): I cannot imagine anyone not being changed by the Amazing "Planet Earth." You simply must schedule time for it. (Check out the Discover Channel Website - for a preview.)


Jeet Sweezus, was that a great ending or what? I imagine the DVD (where you'll be watching several episodes together) will be even better. I have become more and more a fan of the HBO period drama, and I honestly don't know if I can wait until the second season comes out on DVD to review it. Truly: it has been worth living in the Trailer of Doom just for Rome and Sopranos.

I have so much more to say, but I guess I'll wait until the review. I think my reviews affect you people, although I don't get mentioned when you do watch something. (cough cough Lady Jane cough cough).

NCAA Tournament

Watched virtually every game this weekend. About half were entertaining. More importantly, while I had 7 of the 8 Elite 8, I got zero of the Final Four. My worst showing ever. (EVER!)

I still plan on watching this weekend, but I'm scrrrd: it looks like Fox is running a new 24 against the game. What's an action junkie to do?

2 jokes to get your Monday started

Two jokes I heard from my sister over the weekend:

1. What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his clothes?


[this next one's bad. So bad that I have to put the answer in the comments]

2. What did the two tampons say to each other?

Picture and Motto from Elvis

This week's picture and motto comes to us via Elvis:

"I'll get you next time, Gidget! Next Time!!"

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dave Barry

My friend Bogart sent me a list of 16 things Dave Barry learned once he hit 50, and I was immediately suspicious. Some sounded like classic Barry, while others sounded off. Sure enough, according to Snopes the real list had 25 things, and this list not only omitted some but edited others. Even one word can make a difference. (For example: Bogart's list has: "Gossip is the most destructive force in the world." Barry's version is just one word different, but....)

I present his entire list here, not to further plagarize, but to set the record straight, and to implore you to check out his work if you have not yet done so. The man may be the funniest humorist alive. (My favorites are bolded)

25 Things Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

A penny saved is worthless.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Nobody is normal.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your friends love you anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Lady Jane take up a new cause

Shameless, some people are. I'm making a new group. Even Ninja are invited.

:) LJS

The Future

You know, we always laugh about what people said 50 years ago, like, "Rock and Roll is just a fad" and, "People will explode if they go any faster than the break-neck speed of 10 km/h" and, "No computer will ever be smaller than a cigarette lighter" (cigarette lighters were also enormous back then). Anyways, I'm weary of making any predictions about the future because I know that the bullies of the future will just make fun of me and totally hurt my feelings. For example, I was watching a commercial the other day and it said that in the future everyone will wear transitions lenses. I thought that was silly and I was going to say something about it, but then I thought that I might embarrass myself when in 50 years everyone is wearing transitions lenses, but also a sassy t-shirt with a quote of me saying "In 50 years, not many people will be wearing transitions lenses". I'm just afraid that in the future everyone will be walking on ceilings and wearing pants on their head, and then the trendiest magazines will make lists of the dumbest things ever said, and they will scoff, "Boy, listen to this quote by Elvis from Monkey Barn, 'Nobody will ever wear pants on their head. It's ridiculous.'" And I will look like a fool.

Mini Monkey Barn Project

So, I've posted two pictures from Coloring Book Land, because I find them very funny.

Basically the dude takes "Clip Art" that is in the public domain and writes a dirty caption.

So, I thought: why can't this be the next Monkey Barn project.

I know Hyperion has a big secret Monkey Barn Project in the works, but screw that. Tobias the FuthaMucking River Midget is in the Hizzy, and I demand we do this.

So, here's how it works: Leave your caption in the comments. Best one wins, as judged by me.

Now, obviously it's more likely a man is going to win, because, well, you know: chicks ain't that smart. So when a man wins, he wins, uh, Time Life's "Sounds of the '70s" collection, along with Greg Brady.

If by some freak of nature a girl comes up with the best post, she wins me for one night. If that ain't motivation, I don't know what is. So lezz do it:

"I'd hate to see his Straight Flush"

From our Friends at Coloring Book Land:

News Items

I wrote notes, planning to write it in paragraph form, but I got lazy, so here it is in point form:

Rumors Circling Around A Google Phone

- I think it should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button that just dials a random number.

New Practices In Organ Donation Stir Debate

- I think the main reason most people don't sign their organ donor card is because of misunderstandings. "Do I want to be an organ donor? I guess that church down the road does need a new organ, but I don't have one."

- I was called by the liver foundation, and they were asking for donations. I said I was using mine right now, but they're welcome to help themselves when I'm done."

The World's Largest Passenger Plane has Landed in New York and Los Angeles

- The Airbus A380 has 2 floors and can seat 555 people.

- If there's ever any trouble with it, and Jodie Foster happens to be on the plane, she will know everything about it because she built it. That's right. I just made an obscure reference to the movie Flightplan . It wasn't that great of a movie.

The US just issued a Visa for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

- The Iranian leader is heading to the UN headquarters in New York to make his case against further nuclear sanctions.

- I'm sure he wishes he could just come to the US without all the messy paper work, but if life were like that, you wouldn't need a Visa.

2008 Campaign Goes Negative on YouTube

- Some random guy, not affiliated with US Presidential Canidate Barrack Obama, made a commercial for Obama, which is generating a lot of buzz on YouTube. The ad is based on a popular 1984 superbowl commercial for Apple computers and features Canidate Hillary Clinton appearing on shadowy TV screens like Big Brother from the George Orwell novel 1984. Commentators say the ad is an example of how we are entering a 'brave new world' of political advertising, where anybody can make an influential negative ad, yet the candidate can distance himself from it. The YouTube factor is expected to play a much larger role in the upcoming election.

- I know journalists are always dying to have a nice clever play on words ("The Flames scorch the Oilers", "Bartenders tell City Council to 'butt out' on Smoking Ban", or "Local Teenagers tell City Council to 'butt out' on Mooning Ban"). ABC news really dropped the ball this time though. "A 'Brave New World' of Political Advertising"? Sorry, Brave New World was written by Aldous Huxley, not George Orwell. Nice try. Stick with "Butt Out"

Monday, March 19, 2007

Web 2.0 ... The Machine is Us/ing Us

The Riches

One of the cool things about having TV again is watching promos and getting excited. I mean, how much of your love for shows like 24 is due to the great promos? (This is completely the opposite of the end-of-show “next week” promos, which give half the episode away.)

Anyway, I have long been a champion of FX, which I consider just a step below HBO in terms of quality programming. The 5 Networks are many steps below that, at least in terms of average. When I first got TV the FX promos were for Dirt, which starred Courtney Cox as a Tabloid Magazine editor. Tons of sex and sizzle here, but I think the show was set up inherently flawed, and therefore forced to rely on gimmickry just a few episodes out of the gate.

The next big promo was for “The Riches,” which seemed to be about a family who is pretending to live the life of rich people. The previews definitely make it look like a comedy, sort of out the TRADING PLACES vein, one of the best comedies of the ‘80s and still eminently watchable. (By the way, this was only Eddie’s second movie, after 48 HOURS, when he was so small that he wasn’t title billed. Go back and watch Eddie; you can totally predict his rocket ascent.)

I didn’t catch the premiere of The Riches (Monday nights at 10 on FX, with several Encores through the week), only because I saw no compelling reason to watch a comedy rip off of TRADING PLACES. But last night I caught one of the encores just to see what was up, and whoa!

First off, it’s NOT a comedy. Oh, there are plenty of funny moments, but call The Riches more of a tragedy, at least the first episode. We begin with Eddie Izzard, and as Troy McClure would say, “It was the part he was born to play, baby!”

Izzard, playing Wayne Malloy, is walking down a high school hall way with his two daughters as they quiz him on year book facts. Wayne gets most of the “facts” wrong on who was voted Best Smile, most likely to succeed, etc. They get to the entrance of the gymnasium, looking over name tags of who didn’t make the 25th Class Reunion. Selecting one, the three enter, with Wayne Mallow now transformed.

Wayne works the room effortlessly, like he just stepped out of WEDDING CRASHERS, while his two daughters help liberate purses and wallets. Wayne gets so into the moment that instead of discreetly getting away (where his son has the RV waiting), Wayne gets up to make a speech!

I tell you the truth: never have I wanted to have a family more, just so we could go on the road as con artists.
If this were the show, over the top dark comedy, I might well have softened my original stance and gone for it. But when the family picks up mom Dahlia from Prison (played my Minnie Driver, in one of those roles written to tempt big movie stars into doing TV), The Riches takes a complete 180.

First off, Dahlia has drug/alcohol issues, and that’s the highlight. Then the family returns “home,” to a band of white gypsies living out in the sticks of Mississippi or Alabama (or one of those “inbred” states, we’re led to believe), in a scene three steps left of DELIVERANCE.

I would have been offended at the crass portrayal of white trash, but these people were so many leagues below white trash that it went from gross caricature to other species. So unbelievable was the scene (basically homeless people who live in R.V.s, and roam the land scamming people), that I’m tempted to think it’s actually real. It can’t be, but it made me want to believe.

True to the tribal nature of this meeting, the clan is “led” by an ogre of a man, cousin to Dahlia, and perhaps he wishes to be more than cousins? (If that very notion offends you, know this: it’s the least offensive notion in this part of the show, yet somehow the whole thing works. I have no idea how.)

Wayne, though, Wayne was meant for better things. Escaping with stolen money, an improbably accident leads the family to see two rich people dead off the road. (The dead guy is called Doug Rich.) Regular people are called “buffers” by the white gypsies (which I’m calling them until someone gives me something better), for reasons I’m not entirely sure of. Buffers between the gypsies and what?

Anyway, all of this leads the Malloy family to the Doug Rich’s new house, where it turns out (in a SHOCKING plot twist!) that no one in rich mansion land has met the dead guy or his wife. At this point you can figure out where they are going.

I have no idea if The Riches is going to keep up the Comic-Tragic (or is it Tragic-Comic?) tone, but that’s what kept me hooked. It was just utterly bizarre. Like nothing I’d seen in some time. In a way it reminded me of the first season of Six Feet Under, you know, before that show got so full of itself and depressing that it became virtually un-watchable.

Here’s the thing: since I have no idea where they are going, I can’t recommend the full season yet. But I absolutely must demand that you watch this first episode, at least if you are a fan of intelligent drama. The series is exquisitely acted, and if you think I gave away lots of plot twists, I didn’t. There is plenty in the pilot to savor.

You can watch the pilot over at AOL Television by clicking this link. If you do it today you can catch episode two tonight at 10:00, or catch one of the replays (tonight at 11:08, Wednesday at Midnight, Saturday at 10:00 or Sunday at 11:00)

I’m curious what people think of this pilot, whether they are too offended for words, or intrigued with the possibilities, so check it out and let me know what you think.

Rome and Cleo

Lucius Vorenus: Do you think of *nothing* but women?
Titus Pullo: What else is there? [he thinks] Food, I

I was never as high on HBO's Rome, but I have to admit, when it gets rolling, it really gets rolling. (On DVD it should absolutely rock, since you can watch multiple episodes together.)

Last night was the penultimate episode ever, and while I am sad about this, they certainly going out on a high note.

Even better, we are finally into the Antony/Celopatra phase, which means more of Cleo. I don't know what it is about this girl (played by Lyndsey Marshall), but the picture above simply does not do her justice. Much like the real Cleopatra, this one isn't hot exactly, but you just get why she was able to seduce both Julius Caesar and Marc Antony.

PLUS, last night's ep revealed that Cleo's were named Helios and Selene. Why is this significant? Because in Greek Mythology, Hyperion's first two children were Helios (Sun god) and Selene (goddes of the Night). That makes it official. I am building a time machine, travelling back to ancient Egypt, and making love to that woman, who obviously had my children. I've already cleared it with Kaida and everything.

(I also wanted to stop in 1963 and sleep with Elizabeth Taylor, who played Cleopatra, albeit more beautiful than the historical model, but definitely nailing that allure. Kaida questioned why I couldn't just sleep with current Elizabeth Taylor. Chicks. They understand so little.)

Anyway, if I'm not here in a few days, it will be because of the time machine thing.

"Blow Me"

This week's most excellent picture and motto comes to us from Schrodinger's Kitten:

"Blow Me"

Coloring Book Land

Dominique has a great post about failed children's books down somewhere below.


The main reason to read it is my utterly witty comment at the end. I'll admit I didn't make that up. I got it from Coloring Book Land. The author takes public-domain clip art and puts...really really wrong captions to them. Like this:

Anyway, last year I tried to recommend this and Hyperion wouldn't let me, but seeing as how he's in Georgia and I'm in Iowa, I'm doing it anyway!

Go to Coloring Book Land, but at your own risk! There's nothing that would get you fired, but you may laugh so hard you piss yourself, and no one likes that.

Well, I heard it turns Koz on, but no one else.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Would you rather be......

I was asked this question at work today. It started a lively conversation, so I thought I'd put it to the barn.

Would you rather be ....

The funniest person in the world or the smartest person in the world?



Thursday, March 15, 2007



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows how to answer, "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store
and a golf course.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

With the release of HP7 a mere 127 days away - I offer you -Childrens books that didn't make it

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. "Pop! Goes The Hamster!"...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real 24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Return of the Prodigal River Midget

So, yeah, like, you know, whatever.

I'm back.

I know I took off last year for a time, but that was because Hypey sent me away. My behavior was supposedly "becoming a real problem" and I needed to "find myself."

Hyperion's so queer.

This last time we separated because I had no desire to go to the Outlaw camp. Do you know what they do to my kind in a place like that?

Do you know how pretty I am? My stock would be like late '90s Cisco or Intel. I'd be swamped!

So I took off, meaning to connect back up with Hypey when he finally crossed over into America. But along the way I started having so many adventures that I just stayed away, learning about life, and dare I

(That's right. I met a girl.)

Actually, I still haven't arrived in Georgia to where Hypey is. I've been hanging out in Iowa. At first I was looking for someone Hyperion told me about, then it just became a place to hang. Hypey and I will hook up eventually, but for now, at least I can post and hang with all you guys.

I see there is so many new people. What ever happend to Koz and Bear? Don't they post anymore? (I would mention that I never seen Ajax online anymore, but Hypey warned me about teasing Ajax at all, since he tends to turn into the biggest woman this side of '87-Oprah.)

I'll have some more posts in the days ahead. But in the meantime I wanted to give you just a few highlights of what I've been up to:

I almost got married to this girl, who is a mail order bride. (No, really.)

I met this protestor outside DC. (You're better off not translating.)

I met this cool painter, who painted these three, among many others. (I'll have more on him once Hypey gets permission. Be honest: how long did it take you to figure out that was a guitar?)

I saw a great terrible movie, KING KUNG FU. It's cheerfully awful, and should be seen by everybody. (Click on the picture to make it all big and shit.)

I found out EXACTLY why this girl is worth 2 billions dollars.

So Did I come back? Well, I was in Cedar Rapids, and trying to decide whether to go into a bar. I stood there with the door open, not really sure if the "patrons" looked inviting. It wasn't that cold, at least not for someone used to Canadian weather, but one of the drunks at the bar yells out,

"Hey! Were you raised in a barn?"

"Yeah." I said.

It was at that moment I realized I needed to return.

(After I said "Yeah," I continued. "Hey, drunk guy, where do you live?" He said, "Why, you looking for a whuppin?" "No," I said, "Your wife let me borrow a pair of her panties after she ripped my underwear in a hurry to get them off, and I was just going to return them to her." Everyone in the bar laughed but the drunk guy just snickered and said, "You're a stupid fuck. My wife moved out years ago. No one lives with me but my daughter. She's a junior in high school." "Oh." I said. "My mistake." I turned around and walked out.)

And now I'm back.

Tobias the Adorable River Midget

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Steak & BJ Day

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Trailers I saw before 300

Because my review of 300 was an attempt in extreme stylization, I had to leave out quite a bit of information that I usually put in. (For example, I had a whole section on implied racism that got left out. In short: Greeks in movies equal Brits, and they were fighting Persians, which equals Africa and Asia. Those were the facts, so I'm not sure you can do much about the implied racism other than ignore it and assume they aren't trying to send a "message.")

Anyway, I did want to talk briefly about the previews I saw:

Showtime's THE TUDORS

This looks to be Showtime's attempt to keep up with HBO's Rome, and the preview, at least, made me wish I had showtime. (BTW, off the subject, but is Showtime's The Brotherhood worth renting? Does anyone know?)

OCEAN'S THIRTEEN - I loved Loved LOVED the first, bored to tears with the second. What does that mean for part 3? I'm willing to watch, but they better get their act together, or it will continue to sour my warm feelings for part 1.

THE INVISIBLE - A pretty neat preview for a high school psychological scarefest. I'm not going to post it here, but feel free to check it out for yourself. The tagline works too: "How do you solve a murder when the victim is you?"

KNOCKED UP - I can already tell you everything that happens in this movie, not because I'm psychic, but because the preview gives it all away. I know I rant about this all the time, but jeez. (I guess for chicks this is smart marketing, as most women don't want to see a chick flick unless they are assured there will be a happy ending.) Besides my antipathy for the trailer is the movie itself. Because of her protrayal of "Izzy" and a couple of interviews I read I have become quite the anti-fan of Katherine Heigl. Not even pictures like this give me warm feelings any more.

And Seth Rogen gets to be the guy? I'm not even going to link the preview. You're on your own.

BLADES OF GLORY - Or what I would like to be the first to call "Talladega Ice." Feel free to use it, but give me credit. Basically Will Ferrell and Jon Heder team up for Pairs Figure Skating. With comedies you never know, but this has all the potential. This brings up whether or not Ferrell is capable of doing serious work, making that transition like Robin Williams and a few others, but since I don't have time to get into it tonight I'll just let you watch the trailer:

Who else wants to make love to Craig T. Nelson's hair?

THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 - Not my thing, but I mention the preview only for this: rather than only showing tiny pieces of the monster, they elected to show much more. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a preview go so far in the gore/icky factor. Since the entire point of trailers is to get the target audience to want to see the film, I guess you'd have to score that as a success.

THE REAPING - A genre I'm calling "Mainstream Horror." Such previous entires would include THE SKELETON KEY, WHAT LIES BENEATH and THE GIFT. Anyway, small southern town gets visited by the Plauges of Egypt, blah blah blah. The preview pretty much tells you whether you'd want to see it, which you can watch here.

Here's the problem: Swank either hits it out of the park (playing small town trash like in BOYS DON'T CRY and MILLION DOLLAR BABY) or sucks on the screen (like THE AFFAIR OF THE NECKLACE and THE CORE.) But I don't care about that. I care about how she looks.

I would not call Swank ugly, but I would never EVER call her hot. No sane man would. (And no, Chad Lowe was not sane. Else why try to kill President Palmer II?) Swank is one of those women I wrote about a few weeks ago, where a guy could say she was hot (he'd be lying, but he could say it), and girl would be okay with that, because we all know Hilary is not stealing anybody.

Okay, then. I'm watching the trailer for THE REAPING, and I'm enjoying the view of the chick, only to realize IT'S HILARY SWANK! What the hell? She's almost hot! Here is pictoral proof:

Then I found this:

And now I don't know what to think. My whole world is turning upside down. is Hilary Swank now supposed to be considered hot?

Help me!

Monday, March 12, 2007


I saw this at Tracy Lynn's site and totally stole it. She has all the cool stuff. Try it out.



Its all in the eye of the beholder

Hype and I were talking fashion the other day and we had a disagreement. I was explaining couture to him. I used the example of Carrie Bradshaw's Versace couture gown from the series finale of "Sex and the City".

I think this "thousand layer" dress is an amazing example of art in dress form. He proceeded to tell me that he thought the dress made her look like Ursula from "the Little Mermaid". What a rube!

What do you think barners?

Art form? or Bitchy Octopus?


Drunken Intuition

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

It's Sea Hag's World (we're just livin' in it)

"You're here because you...want something"

This week's picture and motto brought to you by Sea Hag!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Billie Jean King is not his Lover...

So, I heard that Michael is in Japan for some "Meet and Greets" and for thirty-five hundred dollars you are guaranteed a minimum of thirty seconds "face time" with Michael. Maybe during the Thriller era, or even BAD, but I can't see that now.

But I actually didn't post this to rip on Michael. Others have done that enough (and if that's your comment, cram it with walnuts, ugly.)

Here's what I want to know: Assuming you had a large amount of discretionary spending (say, as much as Pageant Mom, whom rumor has it is quite loaded), what celebrity would you pay thirty-five hundred dollars for thirty seconds of face time?

If your answer is strange, please explain.

Guess Who's Back?


There was an old Monkey Barn invitation on Tobias's email, which he exercised to join a couple of days ago. I suppose I could kick him out, not having heard from him in months, but then the little guy contacted me and told me some of what he's been up to, and I felt sorry for him. So, he's back in the Barn, on a probationary basis. However, I want all bad behavior reported to me immediately, capische?

And for those of you somewhat new....Tobias is a River Midget. If your'e not familar with the breed, uh, just try to remember that A) he's less than 2 feet high and B) he doesn't really mean it.

Meanwhile, I changed the "Comment" moniker to things I thought would cheer him up. Also, I changed the description of Monkey Barn out on the home page to honor him. Go take a look. I'll wait.

I want you to know that there is no disrespect to "Eat the Baby," which was supplied by Schrodinger. We love her and probably used that motto for much longer than any other in Monkey Barn history. But I had to throw Tobias a bone.

And now you all can be on guard.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

D.P., are you with me?

I was talking to a friend the other day and she used the term "D.P." in conversation. I had no idea what she meant and she seemed shocked that I didn't know. She assumed it was a common expression. When she told me what it meant, I was shocked wondering how that could ever be a common expression. So I wanted to put it in front of the barn.

Is "D.P." a common euphemism, used in polite society, for that term or is it something that she and her kinky friends use? Come on barn, help a monkey out.



It's an Obsession!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said:"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter... Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:"Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name,Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by thehand and whispers:"Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

No one has ever lived that long yet....

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Global Warming Solved

A former Canadian minister of defence is suggesting that we use extraterrestrial technology to solve global warming.

He wants public disclosure on UFO crashes in Roswell so that we can use the alien technology to replace fossil fuels. I think that this suggestion is simply absurd and is not taking the problem seriously. We need to focus on more realistic alternative fuels, like solar power, hydrogen, and human blood.

300 Trailer

I felt bad that I didn't include a 300 trailer, so here you go.

The trailer is simply awesome, the best in years, outside Star Wars.

Consider me absofuckinglutely jacked up to see this. If anyone wants to come to Columbus, we are so there.

Renaissance Trailer

I've been meaning to post this for several days and keep forgetting.

I ran into this trailer before the Movie Marathon, and was mesmerized. I'm going to embed the You Tube video, but if it doesn't work for you, hwere are some other options:

I'm not sure what the story is; looks to be a variation on the "fascists rule the future" theme common these days. It may be a new spin on that genre, or just crib the Matrix and other movies.

But that's not what I want you to watch it.

Much like the visually amazing 300 trailer you've been seeing on TV lately, RENAISSANCE is a feast for your eyes. They used stop-motion photography to film real peformances and then animate over them. The result is a sort of minimalist decadence that's really quite somehing. (Think B&W Sin City meets the Animatrix.)

Anyway, see for yourself:

Love is a Battlefield! Part 19

Last night my cohort Noochie was telling me about a friend of his who is about to embark on a magical, mystical journey to a place that I have traveled to many a time: Divorceland. It's actually a pretty nice place; hell, most everyone you know's been there at least once. (Ask for The Sea Hag Special- stay 5 times, get a 6th for free).

Anyway, said friend was contemplating his upcoming single life and all its perks and privileges and I thought to myself: Ladies of metro Atlanta, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! For there is about to be a monster of unspeakable horror unleashed upon you, and its name is Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy.

Today's lesson: On the rebound

Yes, everyone needs some lovin', but there are some people you really want to avoid like the plagues of Egypt. The obvious asshat ones have been discussed here before, but there is one type of guy in particular that uses a unique brand of ninja-stealth to get an invite to your pants party and get his wiggles out: the guy going through a divorce. Now, many of you might think that a Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy wouldn't be an ideal dating candidate to begin with, but let us take a closer look and discover why so many of us have fallen into this trap:

1. He knows how to treat a lady
I can't tell you how many guys I've had to 'break in' (heh heh, not like that, but still... heh heh) to get them in the mindset of acting like a partner and not being a self-centered tard monkey, so it's very comforting to find a guy who knows that Your Birthday Should Be Considered A National Holiday, and, praise (insert the deity of your choice), leaves the seat down without argument.

2. He is used to being in a committed relationship
More than likely, Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy knew his ex-wife for a long time, and sometimes their relationship was the only one he's ever known, so he has either forgotten how to act like a Dating Douchebag, or never learned how in the first place.

3. He can earn serious sympathy points
For some reason, a guy who is heartbroken is just irresistible to women, especially if he was (or convinced you that) he was the 'wronged' party.

See, it's starting to sound so tempting now...but here's what you're really in store for:

1. Emotional Rollercoaster Deluxe
Try going on a date with someone who is angry, depressed, sad, clingy, fearful, lonely, guilty, confused, vengeful, hopeless, anxious, moody, euphoric...all often within minutes of each other.

2. Sweet, sweet revenge!
Chances are, you are being used for revenge against his ex, and/or to prove to himself that he's still a big, studly dude...and once your role is fulfilled, you're going to be out on your ass, guaranteed.

3. Chewy chunks of karmic yuckiness
I don't know what it is, but there is a sort of scuzzy feeling about dating someone who is still technically married, and you will never, ever feel more heartbroken and disgusted with yourself if he gets a phone call and he tells you 'I have to answer that, it's my wife'.

So, if you hear that Hot Guy Who Mows His Lawn Shirtless got left by his wife for the guy who sells plywood at Home Depot, or that Ted With The Nice Ass From Accounting just filed for a divorce, please give them at least a year to stop being crazy and get over Rebound Mode unless you're some kind of deranged glutton for punishment.


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A Steaming Pile of Cat Bungholes

And So It Came To Pass

Hours of good clean (or twisted awful) fun can be had Here

(inspired, of course, by lost goddess' post)

Ah, Bartleby

One of my good friends Bogart sent me the following link:

He says to be careful: if you are the literary type you might find yourself spending hours there. Bogart recommends "Idiom," and I have to say I agree. My internet time is extremely limited, but I sure wish I had 200 hours to just devour this stuff.


The Scum (an update)

I wanted to do a quick followup on the post I wrote two weeks ago on my sister and this guy who wouldn't come pick her up.

Much response there, and I was gratified to see my fears weren't just a distrustful older brother.

Well, several nights after that incidence, the dude came back into the club where my sister works.

And he wasn't alone.

With the gentlemen, actually, hanging all over him, was another girl. There weren't in my sister's section, but she had to see them constantly. Worse, according to her, the guy wasn't paying too much attention to his date until he'd see my sister in view, when suddenly he couldn't keep his hands off her.

Suspicions validated.

Of course, my real worry was that my sister would fall for the act. However, she seemed to get it, vowing to never have anything to do with him. I had my doubts, but she seemed to have moved on, until I heard that she hung out with mutual friends, and that guy's name came up in the group.

My sister swears he was just there, and since they have mutual friends avoiding him is impossible, and there is no way she would go back to him, but I guess we'll see.

Anyway, thanks, Barn, for letting me know I was on the right track.

Only in God's House

This maybe a Mexican thing but, I heard it is better to die on your feet then to live a life time on your knees
LoSt (My House Rules) gODdeSs

Monday, March 05, 2007

ARGH - Chicago is on my *hit list

WB previewed the new HP OTP in Chi-town of all places (I am really HATING that city) - and it was viewed by a person who is not a HP fan - s/he is getting tired of seeing Voldermort get away at the end - uh DUDE, that is a main point of the SERIES - and he is "unbeatable" (cough prophecy cough).

Catch Up


I just wanted to say to you all that I'm not ignoring your sites.

What usually happens is the two times I'm able to get to a computer each week I'm so frazzled that it's all I can do to get my post up. Consequently I miss much of your good stuff.

But I want to know!

If you could do me the honor of putting your (good) posts in a notepad document and emailing me at, I promise to catch up with your sites, okay?


PS One other thing. April's Monkey Barn Project is already in the works, but I'd like to do one more before then. Something really easy and fun. If you have an idea, let me know, eh?

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

This is Biff Spiffy's (or "Thrash," as he perfers to be called) week to pick the picture and motto. This is what he sent me, along with a rambling email more animal than man.

And if you're still confused, here is the now famous Family Guy Clip that took the term from Internet Catch Phrase to cultural icon:

[And for where the whole thing began, check out the Peanut Butter Jelly Time Wikipedia page]

Friday, March 02, 2007

Retrospotting is truly an Art

So, over the last few weeks I've been retrospotting up a storm

(for those of you relatively new, I created the term retrospotting, so give me credit. It means when you watch an old TV show or movie and recoginize someone who is now famous, but you wouldn't have recognized them then. For example, I saw an old Charles in Charge one day and there was Matthew Perry).

From Law & Order:

Grey's Anatomy's Ellen Pomeo (whom I'm not a really big fan of), in an absolutely chilling episode called "Fools for Love" where Ellen (or Meredith, as most of you call her) procures women for her boyfriend to rape/kill, including her own sister.

The Whole Nine Yards and Studio 60's Amanda Peet (another actress I usually cannot stand) doing a pretty good job in a controversial episode: "Hot Pursuit."

From NYPD Blue:

The Scrubs Janitor Neil Flynn, in a very powerful role, about a man wrongly accused of rape, what might happen to that man: "Low Blow."

This last one is a little unorthodox, but I think still fits as retrospotting:

I have been watching old Spin City episodes lately, and I think I can spot Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's possibly even before he was diagnosed. (Okay, that's not right, as he was diagnosed in 1991, but he didn't tell anyone until 1998, so I think it still counts.)

If you watch Michael closely, you will see him swing a lot. It's not a big motion, more of a rhythm, but he definitely swings sometimes as he talks.

Now, going back and understanding that Michael has Parkinson's, it seems clear to me that he was trying to hide his shakes back then, and developed the head bobs as part of his personality.

Pretty neat, huh?