Friday, December 30, 2005

Next Year?

I just realized I'm completely exhausted, and don't have the energy to write up the hilarious message exchange I had with Fiesta Girl. And, in case I don't have time later, and since tomorrow's my birthday (Pay-Pal hint hint), I may not do it then either. So just in case this is my last Monkey Barn post of the year, I wanted to make sure and remind you of the Year-end Joke.

When you see someone today or tomorrow, provided you're not going to see them until at least Sunday, make sure you say "See you next year!"

Then on Sunday or a couple of days after, when you see people say, "I haven't seen you since last year."

This joke never gets old, but it does have a window or only a few days, so make sure you use it.

And in case I don't come back until next year (although there will be one more Ranking, tomorrow), I have enjoyed spending time with all of you.

Year-End Linkage

Last Links for the Year (There are many of them since no more links until Tuesday):

Daily Knowledge: The Straight Dope, which answers all sorts of questions of various topics covers Why Greek Statues have such knows and Whether or not women's breasts are actually getting bigger (and if they're not, what we can do about it)

Daily I could have lived my whole life without knowing that: The definition of Waffle Crapper

Daily Ranking (other than Mine): Empire Magazine ranks the 50 Greatest Independent Movies of all Time. I personally endorse 49, 48, 42, 38, 37, 33 (at least the first twenty minutes is essential; after that you're on your own), 28, 19, 17 (review over at movie-hype), 13, 9 (review over at movie-hype), 8, and 5-1 are awesome as well.

Daily Out of a James Bond Plot (or possibly Mr. Burns): There's a town in Italy that is planning on building a giant mirror to get more sunlight. Also possibly to fight vampyres.

Daily Idiots: Gorilla Mask has finally crowned its 2005 "Web-Tard," for the moron who put the dumbest video on the net. You may recall I posted some of these a few months ago. I personally would have gone with the Prom girl. Go look at all the finalists. (Note: Hyperion does not endorse the name "web tard," but the videos are undeniably funny.)

Daily Google: If you had any fear that the Japanese were taking over the world, not for worry.

Daily Why can't my life be this cool?: Ninja Traning Camp On the plus side, who knew ninjas could breakdance?

Daily ode to Nerds: A musical tribute to System Administrators. I post this for two reasons: it's a funny song, and the band is called Wes Borg and Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie. That's worth looking right there.

Daily Celebrity Sighting: So, I clicked on the Wes Borg's home site, and guess who's a fan? Captain Malcolm Reynolds! How cool is that? Oh, and the site's friggin' hilarious too, so don't go there unless you have at least ten minutes to watch crazy videos, including

The Hunt for the Wild Pope - courtesy of the Papal Preservation Society and the Religious Wildlife Network

Daily Ouch: don't sit on the back of a truck 'Nuff said.

Daily Bunny: "Do not accept cookies from this man"

Daily Hyperion shakes his head in frustration: Billboard's Top selling albums of 2005. How does a no-talent hack like Fitty top the list?

Daily Dinosaur: I'm not sure it's possible to choose just one. So I'll give you Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday:

In today's installment, T-Rex learns that words have meanings he didn't realize.

Saturday; T-Rex thinks he can prove God doesn't exist (make sure you read the "hover")

Sunday; T-Rex learns to rap! (and found something to rhyme with orange; pretty impressive, huh?)

Monday: How to make everything you say creepy. I am totally going to do this all day, and I expect you to as well. Write and tell me how it went.

Morning smile

The trouble with practical jokes is sometimes they get elected.

-- Lloyd Candow, Pasadena, Nfld.


Thursday, December 29, 2005

Newz and Notz

Tons and TONS and TONS and TONS of stuff have happened since I was on here last, but since I've been tied up with family, and since Saturday is my birthday (paypal hint hint), I'm not going to get back full into things until January. I will try to get some stuff written up, including the hilarious battle with Fiesta Girl.

Couple of Items: New top ten lists up. Always check the home page to see what's new, as I will post there whenever I put anything new up (other than here).

New quote over on the right, which has now changed from Christmas Quote of the Day to just Quote of the day.

And, I need a new motto. I have one in mind, but I'll take suggestions.

One more post later on tonight, and more throughout the weekend.

US bank robber caught on camera - by his son the policeman

If Illinois bank robber William Alfred Ginglen ever writes a book of advice for would-be thieves, he may include a lesson he learned the hard way.

Do not rob banks near the town where your son is a police officer.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Twas the week after Christmas

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

~ Anonymous


Sunday, December 25, 2005

A Little Christmas Story

My present to The Nation for the holiday season is this story about our beloved Hyperion:

Twelve years ago, Hyperion was at my family's house for Christmas Eve dinner. We generally had seafood on Christmas Eve night, along with whatever my dad was in the mood to make that day. That year, it was seafood scampi and chicken wings. During dinner, my dad taught a young, impressionable Hypie how to stick a whole chicken wing in his mouth and pull it out just the bones. I don't think there's ever been a time since then that, when my family has eaten chicken wings, we haven't mentioned the look on Hyperion's face.

During that seafood scampi/chicken wing dinner, Hyperion was telling us of his family's holiday traditions. One of them was that each person in his family would take turns and open one present at a time instead of having a free-for-all, so that each gift could be appreciated by the giver as well as the receiver. This also dragged out the present opening for a long, long time. This idea appealed to my stepmom, so from that point on our family has done this.

Honestly, it's a really nice tradition and I'm glad we adopted it...but at the time, I was SO mad about it, and my brother and stepsister threatened to kick my butt for having brought Hyperion and his 'let's-be-nice-and-take-turns' thinking into our home.

Sea Hag

Friday, December 23, 2005

Dogs savage a crocodile

Sometimes nature is cruel but there is also a beauty in that cruelty.

The crocodile as one of the ultimate predators can fall victim to the kind of implemented 'team work' strategy which is possible due to the pack mentality and social structure of canines.

See the attached and remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine - but not if you're squeamish!

Best DPD(FTR) ever!

Dinosaur Present Day (featuring T-Rex) just got off to the best start EVER!!!!!!!

More info after I recover from my heart attack.

Osama Bin Laden's niece defiant in provocative photos

Festivus News and notes

I posted a news article yesterday that I wanted you to read the last paragraph. Apparently ESPN switched the stories all day long as more current stuff came in. If you scroll down, I have edited the post so you see what I was talking about.

I have two new Christmas items up. If you go to the Institute Page, you'll see them. Get in the habit of checking there first every day, as soon that will be the only way you can get into Monkey Barn and the other subsites.

I want to change my quote of the day once more, but can't think of what. Any Suggestions?

Festivus Linkage

Daily Bunny: Looking for Love I love Bunny. I hope you will come to love him too. Okay, one more, because it's Festivus: The Bunny's Ninja Skills are improving

Daily Useless Website that's really cool: World Sunlight Map I realize you could just go outside, but this one will impress the ladies.

Daily Harry Potter: The Hogwarts Dancers I couldn't begin to tell you what inspired these people.

Daily Six Million Ways to Die (choose one): In this holiday gorging season, pick your favorite beverage and see how much it would take to kill you.

Daily Dinosaur: In this very special Episode, T-Rex learns what it takes to attact sexy ladies. (By the way, have you started calling Christmas "Dinosaur Present Day, featuring T-Rex"? Me too)

Daily Because I can't get Enough: Bunny has a pet peeve Not a girl alive who won't go "Ahhhhhhhhhh."

"You will reveal the secret location of the Hidden Valley Ranch"

I wanted to introduce the newest member of the Hyperion Nation. He came to me a couple of days ago, and has become an instant hit. Ladies and Gentlemen....Darth Tater.

Let all be in awe of his might (and laugh at my great potato pun in the title).

Canon in D

I was looking for classical music online and found this. Jerry C - Canon Rock. Awesome.


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Better than Festivus?

For the past few weeks I've been trying to get you guys to read Dinosaur comics, by posting various links. The set up is the same pictures each time with different dialogue. They're not always hysterical (he does a lot of jokes where it pays to have advanced knowledge of logic), but when it's on it's "on," and there's nothing funnier.

The main character is T-Rex, who is incredibly selfish, but doesn't realize it. He thinks he's a good friend to all. T-Rex usually gets these dumb ideas, like this:

Well, I was reading this morning and I came across T-Rex's Idea for a new holiday. It is so good, I think we all should say it the next few days:

Here is the origin of T-Rex's Idea

T-Rex encounters some problems with the idea, and gets discouraged

T-Rex discovers a crucial truth about the season

When you read, make sure to "hover" your clicker over the comic for an extra added joke. (I didn't discover this until #121, and the "hover" is usually so funny I went back and read them all.)

Let me know what you think of T-Rex's idea. And to make it funnier, after you say, "Dinosaur Present Day," hold up a finger and after a pause, finish: "Featuring T-Rex!"

So wonderful

Does a Bear moan in the woods?

You might have noticed that the previous post was the very first by none other than Bear. For those of you somewhat new to the Hyperion Nation, Bear is a good friend to the Institute.

In fact, Bear has been a Contributor since I first brought on the Motley Crew (I need a better name for them. Any suggestions?), but hasn't actually had any posts. I asked him about this, and his reasons were that he was "tired" and "stressed" from "work." Before you feel sorry for him, Bear plays video games for a living.

(He also mentioned being intimidated by the other Contributors, but I have a hard time believing this. Koz is borderline retarded, Ajax looks like one of the members of the Breakfast Club**--to avoid embarrassing him I won't say who--and as for the women...let's just say that when they visited the Casino last year they were given the Indian Name High Maintenance.** So what's he got to be worried about?)

Sadly, the truth is a bit darker. I asked one of Bear's friends what was going on, and this is the email he sent me,


Sorry to break this to ya, but Bears not been working in some time. Every spare moment he gets he spends at the local Theatre watching Brokeback Mountain. He keeps talking about the wonderful acting and scenery and everything, and we're like Dude we get it, but do you have to see it 45 times? I'm starting to worry.
[While I'm on the subject, this brings up an interesting question: If a cowboy comes onto you in the forest, and nobody's there to see it, do you still have to build a shrine to Judy Garland and/or Barbra Streisand?]

Obviously this is a concern. While I'm sure the movie is fantastic and sure to win many Oscars, I'm frankly looking forward more to the sequel: Brokeback Mountain 2: Lesbian Laredo. May not win as many statues, but I'm betting it takes in more "box" office. (I was going to say money but then I changed it to box office. I really am bad.)

Regardless, it's great to have Bear finally posting. This will be a happy Festivus## for everyone.

** I dis because I love. (Notice how there's no asterisks by Koz's insult)
## I recently found possibly a BETTER day! I should be sleeping, but I'll post that first.
^^What if I called us "H-Diddy and his Murder Hos"???

How many Calories are in this thing?

I was riding in the car with a friend of mine and we were listening to the latest System of a Down album, Hypnotize, when the music came to a track that he really liked. The song was called "Vicinity of Obscenity" and the phrase "terracotta pie" is repeated many times throughout it. When I asked my friend what a terracotta pie was, he had no idea. Now I know that terra cotta is some kind of plaster or clay used in pottery (I may be a little off on that), and when I googled (is that word in the dictionary yet?) "terra cotta pie" I found several sites with actual pie dishes made from terra cotta. Frankly, this seems a little tame for a rock band to be talking about, and my guess is that the phrase is slang. I think it has something to do with drugs. At least, I wouldn't be surprised, considering that the lyrics don't make a lot of sense in the first place (although the music was catchy). Anyone know what "terracotta pie" is, and why would they keep referring to bananas in the song?


South Park Studio

This is what I would look like as a South Park character. I had blast at the South Park Studio site. Take a look and have some fun.

Me as a pirate.

Me as a Santa Pirate! Yo ho ho ho...


Potentially Offensive Links (Is there any other kind?)

I've run across these in the last few days. I found them funny, but you may not, so I figured I'd do it all in one shot, so you could only be mad once.

Our Good Friends at Masturbate for Peace have made their own Advent Calendar: Ten Days of Wanking You're already falling behind! Take the matter in hand and catch up. Try to avoid the Wanking Christmas carols below.

More Offensive Tee-Shirts! I've learned my lesson about posting the pictures, but you can take a look if you like. The two best: "Being Republican means never having to say you're sorry." and my favorite: "I French Canadians." somebody buy me that one.

Weenie Babies My favorite is either Randy Raccoon or Maturgator.

Why you should buy a Jeep 'Nuff said.

Is Santa really Satan? Very funny rant. Not really offensive, but you know how some people are.

Thursday News and Notes

Due to overwhelming lack of interest, the launch of my last two sites, Hyperion X and Hyperion Rants have has been put off until at least after Christmas.

In other news, since no one was sending in Christmas quotes, I'm down to cribbing my own material, which isn't half bad if I do say so myself. Take the time to read one or more of the past years' Christmas articles (even you, Koz; your memory sucks). You'll be glad you did.

There will be one final Christmas column out tomorrow. I read it to my parents yesterday, and if there reaction is any indicator, I may just wake you screwballs up yet.

Finally, next week's Top Ten Lists will be "Best Of," concerning 2005. I already have one (TV), but I need more ideas. I realize the idea of asking you to help is laughable, but I'm stupid that way.

News Stories I thought you might find interesting

Indianpolis Colts coach Tony Dungy's son, 18, found dead You might not care a fig for football. Just skim the article. The reason I want you to read it is the last paragraph. Bullseye.

EDIT: Apparently went with a more updated version of the story, which didn't have the quote at the end. I found it on, and you can read it here. But just in case they change it too, here is the quote (talking about the tragedy of the head coach losing his 18 year old son:)

"When things like this happen it adjusts our perspective on life. What was considered major yesterday doesn't amount to more than a footnote today."
Remember that.

Mystery of John Doe still unsolved after ten years. I ran across this story the other day. Kind of haunting. The part about the "Christmas Rose" really got to me.

Records set

Today gave us out highest single hit count for one site: Monkey Barn went over the century mark. It's also the 4th highest day total, all the sites included. It's kind of disappointing that this record comes via Monkey Barn, but that's nothing for you people to sneeze at. Be proud, mofohomies.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Serenity Easter Egg

The Serenity DVD is finally out, and despite my spending a great deal of time looking yesterday, Elsa found one in about two minutes. On the main menu, left arrow from 'Play'. That lights up the right side little mid-screen arrow icon. Hitting enter from there gives you more background on Fruity Oaty Bars commercial used to trigger River in the bar scene. It'll have you singing the song endlessly (in your head, if we're lucky) in no time.

And for anyone who didn't know, there's also an easter egg in the series DVDs. On the last disc, got to 'Special Features', then 'More>', then to 'Joss Whedon sings the Jayne Song'. From there hit left arrow to highlight the fancy pattern on the left-side midscreen. Hitting enter will show you Adam Baldwin singing an acapella verison of the Jayne Song, complete with the cunning orange chapeau Jayne's ma sent him in 'The Message'. I already sing this one out loud all the time, so I didn't notice any changes following watching it.

These Easter Egg Super Fun Times are brought to you by... Ajax, Elsa, and their Supreme Commander In Chief, Jedi (who allowed his father a couple of minutes at the keyboard today).

Does this mean they'll have gold mag wheels?

Last night I managed to catch a few minutes of TV; my mom was watching one of my favorite Christmas movies (THE FAMILY MAN). Anyway, I saw a commericial featuring the following:

I only have one thing to say: WHY WASN'T I TOLD??????

Hyperion's Reindeer

Last week Dominique posted a Reindeer Quiz (Which Reindeer are you?) and I said I'd taken it, and the first person to either guess who I was or be the same would win a prize.

I think it's a well-worn theme at the barn that except for a few of you, the vast majority suck hard-core at responding, so that didn't happen.

Anyway, here is who I was:

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules.

Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year

Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

Vegas: A Retrospective

Well, I would tell you all about the adventures I had in Las Vegas, but you know the rule. Let's just say it involved a plastic Viking helmet, a lot of Mardi Gras beads, and me nearly puking on about $600 worth of prime rib at Lawry's Steak House. Oh, and I did go to In N Out. Yum yum.

But I can at least tell you about the plane ride! On the way there, they were showing 'Cinderella Man'. Now, I have a rule about watching movies on airplanes, which is that I don't watch movies on airplanes. It never fails that I'm sitting in the seat that is right under a screen, or too far away from one. And in general, the movie selection ranks pretty high on the scale of suckitude. But mostly, there's too much commotion for me to really be absorbed in a movie. People leave their shades up, there's talking and moving around and screaming children and flight attendants asking you what kind of drink you want. But it was a long flight and I'd never seen 'Cinderella Man' before, and I'm pretty sure it was going to get nominated for a bunch of stuff, so I gave it a shot.

It was a great movie! Honestly, it was just 'Rocky: The Depression Years' for those of you who haven't seen it, but I really liked it. Russell Crowe and Renee Zellweger were OK, but I think the story itself was what made it so good, not necessarily the leading actors. However, Paul Giamatti was fabulous (and to my eternal shame I couldn't think of his name while I was watching it, all I could come up with was 'the guy who played Pig Vomit' from the Howard Stern movie) and I hope he gets wins a lot of awards.

Anyway, I really got into this movie, despite the people around me, the fact that the movie screen would black out every so often, or the fact that they interrupted the final boxing scene to announce (three times) that we had our choices of Sun Chips, peanuts, cheese and crackers, cookies, and chewy granola bars for snacks.

Sea Hag

The joy of giving

So, I got this call last night from a friend who's just gotten a package from me in the mail. 'Tis the season, so he figured it was his Christmas pressie. Right he was. Now this part surprised me, he asked me if he could open it. I thought that was so sweet & cute. For some reason, I think that any gift you get via mail, you can open the day you get it UNLESS otherwise expressed. (feel free to weigh in on this, for I am now curious.) But it was great cause I got to hear how happy is was with his pressie and hear his happiness as it was openned which was like getting a gift myself. I like that feeling of giving a gift and having it enjoyed.

Baseball the artic way?

This just in...

... I'm moving to Canada


Drunken Santas riot in the streets.

Epidemic of bad Santas sweeps the globe.

Say it ain't so, Santa. Say it ain't so.


All I want for Christmas......

...... is him.


December 21st Linkage


Daily Comic: Overcompensating on "the Grandfather Paradox" I show you this mainly for the very funny commentary after the comic. In this time of togetherness, who hasn't thought of going back in time to slaughter an ancestor?

Daily News Story: Sanitized Desperate Housewives shown in China I meant to post this yesterday and forgot. I like how they couldn't translate "Desperate," so they called them "Crazy Housewives"

Daily Dinosaurs: Garden Paths I had to explain this to my sister for about ten minutes until she got it. Still, I think Garden Path sentences are cool, and I plan to use them all month. (And don't think of skipping this, Koz, or asses will be kicked!)

Daily Pointless Link: Grand Theft Auto: Lego City My favorite part is the Sunny Crockett-type beard

Daily Card Game: Egyptian Rat Screw While perhaps not as cool as the Hyperion-created Paseo Dos, I love how they build it into the game that fights might break out (and can even be encouraged). I'm definitely going to have to get my family to play this. (I'll have to tell them, since they are all haters and boycott the Hyperion Institute on a regular basis.) Any game that has a lighter as part of the standard equipment can' t be all bad.

Daily "Sometimes it's better to be Naughty than Nice": Spank Kit I post this only so I can ask the Nation what Black Tea Lights are. Also, what on earth is an "intimacy wipe"?????

Daily Dancing Hamster: Techno Hamzy in the Hizzy I think I speak for everyone when I say you can never have enough dancing hamsters.

Cypress Hill makes a comeback?

See the video for the Chronic of Narnia


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Blonde Christmas joke

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

"What denomination?" the clerk asks.

"Oh my God! Has it come to this then?" asks the blonde. "Well
okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist."

Santa Joke

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!


Paypal Explanation

I got a couple of emails asking what the Visa button was for, and others asking what I did with the (so far largely nonexistent) money.

The Visa sign will take you to Paypal, where I have an account, that allows Readers to donate via credit card should they so desire.

As to what I do with the money, that's easy: I spend it on you people. Writing is my primary job, and it doesn't happen by accident. If you've been reading awhile, you know that I write a lot of my columns at Denny's, because I like the atmosphere. Since I don't get paid to write, these donations are my only income.

This is why I have worked so hard lately to get mulitple sites up, so that you would have a lot to choose from when you come here each day. Also, I'm hoping you'll tell your friends. Between the (by Thursday) 8 different sites, I think you can find something you'll come for every day. And maybe if you appreciate the site, and realize how much work goes into it, you'll slip us a few bucks. We might even name a character in a story after you (although chances are the character will get killed, but still).

Anyway, that's what's up. I was going to do a top ten list today with the ten best reasons to donate, but that seemed too least for today. There's always tomorrow.

Golden Globes - TV Drama

Today I wanted to look at the Golden Globe Nominations for TV Dramas

Actor In A Leading Role - Drama Series
Patrick Dempsey in Grey's Anatomy
Matthew Fox in Lost
Hugh Laurie in House
Wentworth Miller in Prison Break
Kiefer Sutherland in 24

Inexplicably Ian McShane was left off for Deadwood. Virtually as bizarre were Michael Chiklis (The Shield), Julian McMahon (Nip/Tuck) and Denis Leary (Rescue Me) being left off as well. These were the awesome performances, and there should have been an argument over which one is left out.

I say this because Hugh Laurie and Kiefer Sutherlands are obvious choices, and with those other four omissions, the race should come down to one of those two (although watch the Golden Globes give it to Patrick Dempsey). Don’t get me wrong, I love his Dr. McDreamy on Grey’s, but c’mon! It’s not in the same league as the others.

Wentworth Miller and Matthew Fox are both good at their jobs, but not in the same league as the guys overlooked. Almost criminal. This should be the best race in years, and we get that.

Actress In A Leading Role - Drama Series
Patricia Arquette in Medium
Glenn Close in The Shield
Geena Davis in Commander-In-Chief
Kyra Sedgwick in The Closer
Polly Walker in Rome

I don’t have much to say on this category, other than the Globes love stars, so look for Geena Davis or Glenn Close to win. Polly Walker if fantastic, but I doubt she has a prayer.

Television Series - Drama
Grey's Anatomy
Prison Break

So let’s talk about what shows aren’t there. Uh, 24? Uh, House? Uh, Deadwood? How can those shows be left out? Seriously, I ask you? Does this mean there is no God. (And this doesn’t even get to Rescue Me, which should arguably be there, and Battlestar Galactica and possibly Veronica Mars). In fact, I’m now determined to do a top ten list of TV for the year.

That being said, looking at what they actually nominated, there are some good ones. Lost is obvious, and should win. Grey’s Anatomy gets better with each week, so I can’t be too upset about that. I’ve seen the fist six episodes of Rome, and while it starts a tad slowly, it’s pretty freaking sweet.

I’m the one who told you about Prison Break, and I certainly enjoy it, but Best Drama? I don’t think so.

And Commander in Chief. I’ve watched a few episodes. It’s predictable, although that’s not necessarily a bad thing. And it did get better. But some of the writing was so god-awful I could barely choke down my own vomit. I should mention that my dad disagrees, and likes Commander in Chief enough to skip House to watch it, but not me. It goes on the scrap heap, and with the shows left out, the inclusion of that show is inexcusable.

weekend update part 2

More things that bugged me.

TBS had a stable of sweet movies on Sunday, and this bugged me in and of itself, partly because I was busy and couldn’t afford to watch. But anyway, I did see a few minutes of HOME ALONE. Things I noticed:

1) When Kevin runs outside to see if his family is here, he sees both cars. Did he know that they took a van? If he did know, what’s he looking for?

1a) Assuming Kevin did know, that still doesn’t explain why both cars are sitting half in and half out of the garage, with the garage doors open! Isn’t that a security risk?

2) When Kevin cuts down that top of the tree to have his own Christmas (sniff sniff), he decorates the tree himself. I helped my dad put up the tree and string the lights, and I’m here to tell you, it ain’t that easy. No way Kevin can pull if off.

Weekend Update, Part 1

A whole bunch of things happened to me last weekend. It started with a marriage proposal and ended with a proposition…the likes of which you wouldn’t believe even if I told you (and this is taking into consideration that you’re familiar with how my life works). Anyway, over the next couple of days I want to write about the things that happened that you may find interesting.

Things that bugged me

I was listening to this version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by a Christian Choir, and they changed the words to “Through the years we all will be together, if the LORD allows….”

I’m not against the Lord or anything, but that’s not the song! The song should go “If the FATES allow…”

Oh, Christians don’t believe in Fate, you say. (And somewhere, pure-blood Baptists raised their heads in anger….) Fine. But then don’t sing the song. If you’re going to sing the song, sing it the way it’s supposed to be sung!

My real anger here started back in ’91, when this incredibly dorky girl sang a song at church camp. The song was “Everything I Do” by Bryan Adams. She changed “I’d lie for you” to “I’d die for you.” You may recall, “I’d die for you” is already in the lyrics; she just sung it twice. I suppose it’s not the biggest deal in the world (after all, I’m currently trying to rewrite the lyrics to Santa Baby to make Santa Pirate), but I still get irked.

Monday, December 19, 2005


One of my favorite columnists is The Sports Guy. Last Friday he had a mail bag column, which included a couple of gems I wanted to share with you.

Q: After your Providence signing last night, I was wondering what's the weirdest/funniest thing somebody has asked you to write as your "personalized message" at a book signing? I'm sure a man can only take so many "Donna Martin graduates!" before wanting to rip a book in half and start throwing chairs, a la Bobby Knight.
-- Lou, Johnston, RI

SG: All right, top-5 weirdest/funniest requests from the last tour:

1. The guy who asked me to sign my name, then answer a question on the left side of the page: "Who would win a fight between 50 Cent and all three Hanson brothers if (a) the Hansons were equipped with survival knives while 50 Cent was unarmed, and (b) 50 Cent could take any of the knives and use them in the fight." My job was to circle who I thought would win -- obviously, I chose 50 Cent. But I did think about it.


5. And finally, one guy asked me to sign his book, "Thanks for taking me to Brokeback Mountain last night, I had a blast." That's just comedy.

[This is why I wanted you to read it. I think you should sign all your staff Christmas cards with this. Will bring the house down. One more question, which totally merits discussion:]

Q: True or False: the "N" warning before any HBO movie or program may be the single greatest development in the last 10 years of cable TV. I know instantly whether or not something is worth watching. This is a good thing, right? Although there was a "Six Feet Under" that led off with the "N" -- very promising -- until the only "N" was a topless shot of a 53-year-old dead chick being embalmed. I felt like I deserved a refund for my hour. Thoughts?
-- Scott, New York

SG: Glad you asked. For years, I have been pushing for a complete revamping of the cable TV warnings, and only because this should be a seamless, informative process. For instance, when they throw the old "SSC" for "Strong Sexual Content" before the movie, you absolutely know that there isn't just going to be some sexual content, it's going to be some STRONG sexual content. These are the movies that usually lead off with a detective sitting in a car watching someone's house while some bored housewife pulls the pool boy inside for a daytime romp. The point is, you know you're getting the goods with "SSC." But the "N" could mean anything -- two dudes naked in a shower, a 53-year-old woman getting embalmed, even Kathy Bates going topless in "About Schmidt."

So I would come up with these categories:

SN -- Standard Nudity

(Note: In other words, nothing special.)

MSC -- Mundane Sexual Content

(Note: For those really lame sex scenes where the two characters are going at it in slow motion and there's just some squinting and grimacing and that's about it.)

SSC -- Strong Sexual Content

(Note: I'd like to keep this one as is, just because it always puts a hop in everyone's step. When I lived with my old roommate Ricky, we would always stay up late watching bad movies on our illegal cable box, and when the "SSC" tag came up, we would both start cheering -- it was like winning in BINGO or something. I miss having a roommate sometimes.)

CESC -- Career-Ending Sexual Content

(Note: This covers Chloe Sevigny in "Brown Bunny" and that's about it. It's almost impossible to kill your career with a sex scene.)

UDN -- Unexpected, Delightful Nudity

(Note: This covers any scene where the nudity comes out of nowhere with someone you would never expect -- like Katie Holmes in "The Gift," Reese Witherspoon in "Twilight" or even Kelly Preston in "Mischief.")

WDN -- Wildly Disappointing Nudity.

(Note: For scenes like Teri Hatcher going topless in "Heaven's Prisoners.")

EN -- Epic Nudity

(Note: For those once-in-a-lifetime performances like Natasha Henstridge's in "Species," Apollonia in "Purple Rain" or Nicole Eggert in "Blown Away." I just feel like they deserve their own category. If you've earned the "EN" tag, that's almost like getting an Oscar.)

GSN -- Gratuitous, Sweeping Nudity

(Note: I like this one because you know where you stand -- you're getting nudity and lots of it. That's important information at 2 a.m.)

RGN -- Really Gross Nudity

(Note: This would cover old women getting embalmed, any nudity in those autopsy shows on HBO, Kathy Bates and Diane Keaton, those "Real Sex" shows where they show some nudist colony in Germany and there are like 100 hairy naked guys standing around, and so on. Give us a heads up. It's imperative. You could probably argue that Kathy Bates deserves her own tag here -- something like "KBN" -- but whatever.)

MN -- Male Nudity

(Note: That's an important one -- I need a warning if I'm going to see someone's johnson, whether I'm getting dressed in a gym or watching TV at 1:30 in the morning. If Kevin Bacon decides, "I know this isn't in the script, but I think this scene in 'Wild Things' could use a boost with my dangling member," I want to be prepared. Again, give us a heads up. I don't ask for much.)

MDDS -- Michael Douglas' Dangling Stuff

(Note: For those movies where Douglas feels like it's a wise idea for him to walk away from the camera with his, um, stuff dangling between his legs like a grandfather clock. Why does he do that? We may never know.)

APR -- Awful Prison Rape

(Note: Classic example -- the Ed Norton scene in "American History X." Come on. Just a mere "R" for "Rape" can't possibly cover how traumatic that scene was. You stick the "APR" before the movie, I'm probably avoiding the movie.)

Golden Globes (Comedy)

I wrote last week that I was going to examine the Golden Globe Nominations for Movie Actors and Actresses. However, I’m going to wait until I’ve seen a few more films so I’m not just whistling Dixie.

But I will talk about the TV nominations. Today we look at Comedy:

The Supporting categories are lumped with Drama and Mini-series. How is that fair. Jeremy Piven from Entourage goes against Sayid from Lost, and they’re both against Paul Newman in the TV movie Empire Falls? Screwy. We’ll stick to the Leads

Here are the Nominations:

Actor In A Leading Role - Musical Or Comedy Series
Zach Braff in Scrubs
Steve Carell in The Office
Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jason Lee in My Name Is Earl
Charlie Sheen in Two And A Half Men

I’ve seen all of these guys, and can’t tell you who has an inside track, but my guess (and my pick) would easily be Jason Lee. Have you seen that mustache?

Actress In A Leading Role - Musical Or Comedy Series
Marcia Cross in Desperate Housewives
Teri Hatcher in Desperate Housewives
Felicity Huffman in Desperate Housewives
Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives
Mary-Louise Parker in Weeds

Hmmmmm….I wonder if Golden Globes has a theme? Would have been nice to see the mom from Everybody Hates Chris, but what are you going to do? I have to be honest: Desperate Housewives went so far downhill so quickly that I quit watching this year, but from last year (which the Golden Globes is also looking at), I’d go for Marcia Cross. I also am loving Mary-Louise Parker’s performance in Weeds.

Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Everybody Hates Chris
My Name Is Earl

Koz tells me Entourage is incredible. I haven’t seen it, so I can’t comment. I have seen Curb Your Enthusiasm (though not this season’s), and love it. Desperate Housewives I’ve already commented on, as I have the enjoyable (if lightweight) Weeds. My selection would be between Everybody Hates Chris and My Name is Earl, and while I’d be happy if either won (really: they are both superior shows and you should be watching), but my pick would be My Name is Earl. I suppose this is the time when I should say something about Arrested Development, but I’m too sad.

Tomorrow: The Dramas.


If you'll go to the home page, you'll see that not only is it redesigned, but there is a brand new site (The Hyperion Chronicles). All (every single one) of the Chronicles is now on there. It took gigantic effort on my (and Scapedragon's) part to get this done, so please please please take some time to peruse the back columns, okay?

Oh, and the Christmas Quote is new. I'm running out of funny ones, so please send me some if you have any.

I'm begging you.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Weekend Linkage

Weekend Links:

Daily Dinosaur Comics: Learn how certain words are overused

Daily Conspiracy: Is Santa really Satan in disguise? You decide.

Daily List: Forbes annual List of the Richest Fictional Characters How did Lara Croft get on there? And what about Ali Baba?

Daily Mind Teaser: Have you ever wondered what it's like to be on drugs? Find out now!

Worlds Coolest Barbecue Apron

See it here (Possibly offensive to Pastors and their wives)

And the Runner-up


Thursday, December 15, 2005

Yo Ho Ho Ho

I stumbled across this site and just had to share with the Hyperion Nation.

Presents for Pirates. Piratical (hee hee) Gifts & Stocking Stuffers. Xmas Marks the Spot!


Viva Las Double-Double

I'm going to Las Vegas on Saturday with my family. I haven't been in years, and I'm looking forward to hitting the slots, getting free drinks, staying up all night, and otherwise acting like a depraved idiot. Whatever happens there, stays there (unless someone catches me on camera, and sells the resulting footage to 'Girls Gone Wild'). But what I'm looking forward to the most is... In N Out Burger.

If you've never been there, then you don't know what you're missing and you don't care. But if you have been there, and there's not one near you, you can start hating me

Sea Hag

Questions at Colorado's

A few weeks ago (while waiting to see SERENTY), some of us hung out at Colorado's. There I asked my three questions of the night:

1. Invent a new swear word, based on sounds that aren't used in English as words.
2. Who would make a better president: Yoda, Papa Smurf, or Optiums Prime (this comes from a recent Fagin Dupree chapter)
3. What movie would you most like to see a prequel.

This is what they came up with.

SWEAR: Desh-Nah
PREZ: Papa Smurf
PREQUEL: Total Recall

Optimus Prime

Pusetta (my favorite)
Optimus Prime
Gone With the Wind

Pulp Fiction

Optimus Prime

Papa Smurf
Titanic [any guy with the stones to say TITANIC deserves some praise in my book]

Optimus Prime
Magnificent Seven

Papa Smuf
The Fast and the Furious

The Godfather

Optimus Prime

Optimus Prime
Resevoir Dogs

Papa Smurf
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

You live! Now!!

Dominique sent me something interesting today.

Apparently a small town in Brazil has made it Illegal to die.

And somewhere Patricia Ireland just got suspicious....

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Heavyweight Champions

Speaking of Boxing did anyone know that there are currently 4 Heavyweight champions and the last time there was a unified title it was held by Lennox Lewis in 2000.

So, without cheating, can anyone name the 4 current Heavyweight Champions and as a bonus match them with the title they hold - WBA, WBC, IBF, or WBO?

Cinderella Man

Not sure how many of you have seen the movie Cinderella Man about about boxer Jim Braddock?

The man Braddock defeated for the heavyweight title was Max Baer. The movie made Baer seem like an animal. It seems in reality Baer was actually a very nice man. The movie tells how Baer killed a man named Frankie Campbell in the ring by knocking his brain loose from the connecting tissue, of course this made Baer look like a villain. What the movie doesn't say is that according to Wikipedia "This fatality shocked Baer; according to his son, Max Baer, Jr., he cried and had nightmares over the incident for decades afterwards. He was charged with manslaughter. Although he was eventually acquitted of all charges, the California State Boxing Commission still banned him from any in-ring activity within their state for the next year. He gave purses from succeeding bouts to Campbell's family, but lost four of his next six fights. He fared better when Jack Dempsey took him under his wing, and Baer put Campbell's children through college."

By the way you can read Hyperions review of Cinderella Man at Movie-Hype.

The Golden Globes (part 1)

The Golden Globe Nominations came out today. (In honor of this, I started a huge series on Rank Everything.)

You can check the link for the nominations, but I wanted to go through them. Today I thought I'd tackle the best picture nominees, tomorrow the TV ones, and Friday all the rest.

I have to say I was sort of shocked. I just assumed KING KONG would get a bunch of nominations. Golden Globe is often a forerunner to Oscar, but not always, so I'd still expect KING KONG to garner award nominations in the big show. Of course, it could suck, but reviews have been generally massive, except for a few who have hard-core reputations as haters. (I was supposed to see the midnight showing last night of KING KONG and bring you a review, but this didn't happen, for sad reasons I'll tell you about another time.)

Anyway, the five best picture nominations (Musical or Comedy) are:


I have to admit, I've seen none of these. Most aren't even available in regular theatres yet. I assume I'll see most of them and get back to you. I was very surprised not to see THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN, which was very well reviewed and seemed like the type of movie the GGs love. I thought WEDDING CRASHERS had a shot as well. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE and WALK THE LINE were the only gimmes, but I thought THE FAMILY STONE was a lead-pipe cinch too, so goes to show what I know. WALLACE AND GROMIT would be my favorite from those I've seen.

Next, the best picture nominees (Drama):

(the films I've seen and reviewed are linked in case you're interested)

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN is the early front-runner and a lock, and I was pretty sure THE CONSTANT GARDENER would be there too, but like I said; KING KONG's absence seems large. I loved A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE but was surprised to see it here. GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK was well-reviewed, but SYRIANA has gotten even more buzz, and I thought that would be the George Clooney film to make the list. (Although: Clooney did direct GOOD LUCK, and the Golden Globes are obsessed with stars, so that may explain it.) Woody Allen directed MATCHPOINT, but I don't know much more about it other than it's about a tennis player and (unusually) is set in England rather than Woody's beloved Manhattan. I'm a big fan of his, though, so I'll have to check it out. I held a slim hope that SIN CITY, BATMAN BEGINS and REVENGE OF THE SITH might get noticed, but sometimes movies are too big to be taken as contenders. Sigh.

Tomorrow: TV show nominations.

More band names

So, if you haven't checked out last Friday's Top Ten List, on band names, you really should.

However, I was putting columns on the website, and I ran across #361. I can't believe I missed thsoe two wonderful band names:

Galactic Slurpees

Leviathan Dog

they would rule.

Also, a few of you have asked where the Monkey Barn's current motto comes from. I found it on Wikipedia, as the motto for a high school in Pennsylvania! I loved it so much I grabbed it, and there it will stay until one of you punks can give me one better.

Also, as I was going through old columns, I found a motto from one of the Chronicles that cracked me up. So, I put it on the Institute home page. Go now and look.

Also, there's a new quote of the day to the right: >>>>>>>>>>>>>

What Reindeer is Hyperion?

I took Dominique's quiz, but at her suggestion, I'm not going to tell you which Reindeer I am. First one to guess correctly (and why) wins a prize. Or, first one to leave a comment about who they are, and be the same as I, they win a prize.

Prizes to be had, folks. Go take that quiz

(And in case you're looking to be offended, here's another reindeer.)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are you?

Hey Nation! Something you are about to learn about me...I like online quizzes. Here is the latest one I took and thought all y'all might enjoy it too.

Cool Yule.


You Are Vixen

Sexy and sultry, you're the one all the other reindeer dream about.

Why You're Naughty: That fur pulling spat you got into with Dancer over Santa.

Why You're Nice: Because even when you're nice, you're still delightfully naughty!