Monday, September 17, 2007

Hyperion's Last Requests

[Hyperion's Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

So like, I did these questions in 2002, and made all the Monkeys answer them. I figure it’s only fair that I answer them again too. I haven’t looked at the old answers, so some of them may be the same, but this is how I feel as of right now.

Last meal: Turkey Bacon Swiss BBQ (with black and Green olives) wraps made in my GT Express101, Super Graitch, Beef Jerky, dried mango slices, raspberries, Soft Pretzels, choco-twinkies

Last restaurant: Olive Garden


Last book: “I want to Go Home” by Gordon Korman

Last TV show: Cowboy Bebop; Episode #24

Last game to play: Paseo Dos

Last Song: The Rainbow Connection

Last Piece of Art: something by Luis Royo. This one would do just fine

Last thing to write: A story about a sculpture I have

Last letter: to Tiger Woods

Last thing to do: Play my harmonica

Last Wish: that Kaida finish the Wheel of Time

Last Words: I could live with myself if I were dead

NBC's Monday Night Lineup

I was going to tell you about this later in the week, but since we're going on a break I want to tell you now:


NBC has a night of shows that looks like it could be great.

At 8 pm is CHUCK. Here's the premise: A total nerd named Chuck accidentally learned all of the government's secrets, but he doesn't know it yet. Now our government (plus all the evil groups) want his brain. Think Alias meets Office Space. Just watch the preview and tell me you're not jacked up. (WATCH IT!) For more see NBC's Chuck Page.

at nine is Season two of Heroes. My understanding is that they are gearing it so that people who missed season one can jump right in. (Although: you have an entire week, so go rent season 1 and catch up!) For more see NBC's Heroes Page.

At 10 is Journeyman. The preview (below) isn't all that great, but I'm mainly excited because main actor Kevin McKidd is from Rome, and the creator is Alex Graves, who was a huge part of the West Wing. Basically it's a time travel show. Here, watch the preview:

For more information see NBC's Journeyman Page.

I expect all of you to watch these shows and be as excited as I am!!!!!

Hitchcock on AMC

It is Hitchcock Week on AMC. You simply must do everything in your power to watch as many of his films as you can. The lineup for the rest of the week:

5:30 - REAR WINDOW (one of this two best, and I will not speak to you if you haven't seen it by the time I get back)
8:00 - THE BIRDS
10:30 - ROPE

3:45 - ROPE
5:30 - THE BIRDS
8:00 - VERTIGO (one of his two best; I do not ask for much)
10:45 - SABOTEUR

5:15 - VERTIGO
8:00 - MARNIE
10:45 - FRENZY

2:15 - FRENZY
4:45 - MARNIE

8:00 - THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY (very funny and underrated)

5:15 - VERTIGO
8:00 - PSYCHO

1:00 am - VERTIGO
8:30 AM - PSYCHO

For more information see the AMC website. Please Please Please watch at least VERTIGO and REAR WINDOW

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The winners is...

Show that'll be on my list...Heroes; Bones; The Unit; Moonlight; Chuck; Mythbusters; Design Star; Design on a Dime; Trading Spaces; While You Were Out; Design Cents; Craft Lab; Look What I Did...(yeah HGTV rocks)...
I'll take suggestions...if you've seen a good show, I'll add it to the list and try it out...after all, now I'll be able to control the times.
Thanks to everyone for the help deciding.

Friday, September 14, 2007

300 Arby's

Koz posted this on our Football Message Board, and I was going to ask him to post it here, but since he has decided not to post during the Jewish holy days I thought I'd do it instead:

The Last of Tobias

[Hyperion's Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

I know I haven’t been posting much lately. No excuses; my life has just taken a few different turns. I thought I would always live with Hyperion, but once you come out of the Cave there is no going back….

Anyway, like I said, things are different. This will be my last post. I had a lot of fun being in the Barn, and I will miss all of you. –Tobias

Last meal: Scalloped potatoes and (sorry Hyperion) Lobster dripping in butter, broccoli-cheese soup, carrot cake and Strawberry Kiwi Kool-Aid

Last restaurant: McDonalds. You can have your fine dining and table cloths: give me a chance to play in some balls and get a prize with my meal!


Last book: I’m not big on books, but I always liked “The Secret of NIMH,” and even better is the sequel: “Rasco and the Rats of NIMH.”

Last TV show: The second-to-last Seinfeld episode where they do all the clips, and then end with Greenday’s “I Hope you have the Time of your Life.” That always gets me.

Last game to play: Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.

Last Song: “Sundown” by Gordon Lightfoot (Here is a video of him singing it in concert this summer. It’s not a great recording, but I was there! If you look closely, you can see me at the 1:32 to 1:36 mark.).

Last Piece of Art: “Turkish Bath” by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres (You can see it here)

Last thing to write: A rock-fantasy opera about a River Midget and the pirate woman he loved

Last letter: To Hyperion’s unborn Child.

Last thing to do: Slay a monster

Last Wish: That I could make Lady Jane Scarlett "Walk the Plank"

Last Words: “Little People of the World, Unite!"

Tobias Out

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I Wasn't Going to Post This

But with a motto like that, who, especially me, can resist?

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time...

a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.


The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am


and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "


That night,

as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't frickin' think so.


Who's Gonna Save Us?

Well, apparently Schro has got it right.

Worst Joke ever

[Fifty bucks says you use it today]

A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time, because all it does is eat grass.

He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time.

One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it.

The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench.

The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".

Take a Bite out of: Cable Theft

When I saw the commercial I simply could not believe it. I thought it had to be a spoof. From a long line of "Ideas that seemed good at the time, but are so ill-thought through that they cannot help but lead to a screw up of Post-War Berlin-Zoning proportions," I bring you

That's right, monkeys. The whole purpose of the site is for you to report people whom you know (or suspect; wink, wink) to be stealing cable.

There hasn't been an idea this bad since the Dred Scott decision.

The commercial shows a blowhard bragging at work to his friends about all the free pay-per-view fights he's scored without paying. As the blowhard walks away he makes fun of a nerd in his cubicle. The nerd then immediately goes to and reports the blowhard, thus doing his patriotic duty.

Don't get me wrong: I have never stolen cable. It's the same as stealing anything else, and people who do it should be punished. It's not a crime you could EVER justify, because we are not talking formula for your baby here. It's cable. You can afford the TV. You can afford the cable. In 10 out of 10 cases the person can afford the cable; they are just too lazy and greedy to do so. I have zero empathy for anyone who gets caught, and as far as I'm concerned you can throw these bastards in a Shawshank-style prison and cast them down with the Sodomites.

That said, is a TERRIBLE idea. We are encouraging people to spy on their neighbors, which is rarely a good thing. (You want to make a commercial, how about "when you see your neighbor beating the shit out of his wife, how about you report it then, huh asshole?")

But it's not even the tattletaling that bothers me so much. It is the giant, Truman-Show-Island size can of worms the website opens up. If you take a look, all you need is the person's name and their cable company, and if you have it, the address. That's it! You can report anyone!

Well, what the hell. Until someone figures out what a horrible idea this is, we here at Monkey Barn might as well get in on the fun. I want you to report any and all people you don't like. A few suggestions:

Your Boss
Your smelly/loud/annoying/ugly coworkers
That Girl that cheated on you in high school
Your Ex
Your Ex's new Girfriend
Your History Teacher
The guy who cut you off in traffic (will involve a bit of stalking)
The girl who gave you the wrong number on purpose at the bar (see above)
Your Congressman
Your Mayor
G. Gordon Liddy
Nancy Grace
Carlos Mencia
Skip Kendall
All Gentiles
Schrodinger (again)
Owen Wilson (there had to be some reason)
Carrot Top
The Mechanic who overcharged you
Your Wife
You (Self-loathers only)
Anyone in your company's finance department
Anyone who says "bless her heart"

We hope this list helps you out, and as you go about ruining lives, remember: if you can't prove they are NOT stealing cable, they probably ARE, so you are better off reporting them to Cable Theft.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Last requests

Hypey is forcing me to do some crappy list about when I die instead of working on my Internet porn site... so when you're lacking spectacular boobs to stare at, you know who to blame.

Last meal: fresh, hot yeast rolls from Golden Corral smothered in honey butter

Last restaurant: Golden Corral

Last movie: "Gunfight at the Golden Corral"

Last book: "The Yeast Roll Connection: A Medical Breakthrough" by William G. Crook

Last TV show: The Golden Corral Girls

Last game to play: Golden Corral Nugget Casino DS for Nintendo DS

Last Song: "Stay Golden Corral" by Au Revoir Simone

Last Piece of Art: a tattoo of this:

Last thing to write: an ode to honey butter

Last letter: Z

Last thing to do: your mama

Last Wish: more honey butter

Last Words: "Golden Corraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal.... gack."

Sea Hag

Help from the Barn, please....

Okay, so the new TV schedule is going to be started and I am hooked on a few things but I have school too and I am in a cave without TiVo or DVR and right now Heroes vs homework, homework always looses. So to save my sanity and get more sleep, I am thinking of yet another step into the modern times and get something to save my precious shows so I can be more free - the question is TiVo - Comcast's version of TiVo - or a DVR?

So far I've gotten -
1) TiVo - it's better quality and has cool features and you'll likely have to pay for a service any way - it's better quality than DVR
2) DVR - then you own the box and aren't paying a monthly fee - it's better quality than TiVo
3) Comcast - why give them any more money

Please help me decide!

two-point perspective hallway in marker

Only the Necessities....

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Last Requests - Schrodinger's Kitten

[Hyperion's Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

Last meal: Field Greens Salad, Rosemary bread, Roasted Pork Tenderloin with Root Beer Spiced Apples from the Blue Bayou in Disneyland - close 2nd - Pork Tenderloin at Club 33 in Disneyland.

Last restaurant: Club 33

Last movie: English Patient. Best to get all that nasty crying over with.

Last book: Gorky Park. I could read that 100 times. In fact, I think I HAVE read it 100 times. Ok, maybe only 20.

Last TV show: This one is harder than I thought - I have no idea. I really can't think of a TV episode that is either a. so good I have to see it one last time before I die..or...b. so funny that it makes me laugh every time. There are a few Family Guy episodes I might want to see. Maybe the last ep of MacGyver?

Last game to play: Trivial Pursuit. Because I win. And I'm you'll let me win.

Last Song: Something by Muse. I'm really into them at the moment. REALLY.

Last Piece of Art: Jackson Pollock 1950 No1. Lavender Mist.

Last thing to write: Letters to all my family and friends to tell them how much I love them. Letters to all my lovers telling them how much they meant to me.

Last letter: See above.

Last thing to do: Disneyland.

Last Wish: That I'm wrong, and there is a heaven.

Last Words: "Thank god I was wrong"

Don't Think I wouldn't throw in a tit-punching too

[Hyperion's Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

I'm doing this only so Hyperion will quit pestering me. Okay? Are you happy now? Bastard.

Last meal:
I would have teppenyaki, shrimp tikka masala with nan, and my mom's fried chicken with gravy, rice and peas. SHUT UP, I don't have to worry about the calories at that point.

Last restaurant:Morimoto's. That man is a genius.

Last movie:The Princess Bride, because that shit never gets less funny.

Last book: Anything by Terry Pratchett, because he's a genius and I can read his stuff over and over and STILL laugh out loud.

Last TV show: Sports Night

Last game to play: Who's that actor? Which is when someone describes an actor and you guess who it is. I ROCK that game.

Last Song: If I Had A Boat By Lyle Lovett.

Last Piece of Art: Anything by Anastacia Campbell

Last thing to write: My epitaph

Last letter: To my nieces and nephews

Last thing to do: Smoke a cigarette

Last Wish: To be remembered with laughter and joy

Last Words: Don't make me come back here, damnit.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Science vs. Math (who ya Got?)

[I can't see more than three of you getting this joke, but I think it's funny, and that's good enough for me.....]

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.

The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.

The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?"

The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

This is so Tracy Lynn, it's not even funny......

(Click on comic for full size. you can find the Non Sequitur Home page here.)

Lio is my Hero

(click on comic for full view, and go here to subscribe for a daily Lio, in case your newspaper has a policy of rectal suckage, and I think I'll make that the new motto.)

Friday, September 07, 2007

Guess that Phrase

On that "Am I Dumb? quiz yesterday I found a "genius" quiz, split into three parts. As it seems they might have taken their questions from other sources, I felt no qualms about taking some of theirs. I thought I would post the first part, and if popular, I can post the others as well. What you are trying to do is guess the traditional saying from the first letters of the main words. For example:

a f in n is a f i - a friend in need is a friend indeed

You see how they do it. Note also that "a" can just mean the word a, as well as a word that starts with "a." (This comes up several times below.)

If you want to post what you think are the answers, that's cool, but I would ask that you not do more than 5 or so, to let others have a chance to shine. See how you do: you might surprise yourself.

Guess That Phrase:

Ex) a f in n is a f i- a friend in need is a friend indeed

1) h w l by the s d by the s
2) d t c for d m
3) a s l than w
4) a g t m c to an e
5) a s in t s n
6) k your m s and your e o
7) l is the b m
8) l is j a b of c
9) l n s t in the s p
10) the e b c the w
11) the g is a g on the o s of the f
12) d c your c b t h
13) s and s will b my b, but w will n h me
14) s and s w the r
15) if at f you d s, t, t a
16) n p o u t w you c do t
17) you c t an o d n t
18) It's b to be s than s
19) d l a g h in the m
20) d j a b by its c
21) b of a f f t
22) the p is m than the s
23) an a a d k the d a
24) e to b, e to r
25) b is t than w
26) g c where c is d
27) a m the h g f
28) a f in l and w
29) b is in the e of the b
30) there is a t l b l and h
31) o of s, o of m
32) he who l l, l l
33) the b t in l are f
34) a p s is a p e
35) a b in the h is w t in the b
36) a f and h m are s p
37) a j of a t is m of n
38) a p is w a t w
39) a w and no p m j a d b
40) d s for d f


Just wanted everyone to know, that since I have my own Journal up (Institutionalized, which can be found at, I will be doing less personal posting over on Monkey Barn, and eventually less posting period. I have been trying to carry the site for awhile, and I think that maybe that has led others to being intimidated into not posting as often as they normally would. I'm not disappearing my any means, but this is supposed to be the group site, and I want to let the crazy monkeys' personalities shine through.

Oh, and if you are a crazy monkey and have posted your last requests yet, please do so before I find you and hook you up to a wood chipper. Thanks.

Picture and Motto: a Team effort

This picture was supplied by Dominique

The motto comes from another one of you. I will leave it up to that person whether they want to explain:

"Where Heavy Boxers come to feel Loved"

Thursday, September 06, 2007

More lol cats!

Comma Cat

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

[And for Lady Jane Scarlett: What's the difference between a lolcat and a comma? Everything. A lolcat never even heard of punctuation.]

Am I Dumb?

Brazenly stolen from Sparky Duck (and only because he insulted me by calling me a Republican, which to Sparky Duck is akin to calling me a child molester, and isn't high on my list either), I bring you......

Am I Dumb?

Yes, friends, it is a quiz; 25 questions to find out how smart you are.

People, if you miss any of these questions, I don't want to speak to you anymore.

Well, that's sort of harsh. Let's say if you miss more than 2. Anyone can click on the wrong circle or somehow think Italy is ginormous.

How smart are you? - Are you dumb?

You will notice that in the little bubble above there is a grammatical error. One can only hope that this is one last jab by the test makers to the people who are intending to brag. (You do know what the grammar error is, right?)

Not for nothing, but I would also like to point out that in a percentile ranking system, you CANNOT be better than 100% of all quiz takers (let alone 100.0), because YOU YOURSELF ARE ONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THE GROUPING. Sometimes I just want to shoot the world in the head.

Let's see how you do:

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Love is a Battlefield! Part 21

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know it's been awhile, but I've been busy... with your mama! Sorry, I couldn't help myself, but I am still here and more importantly I'm back with all sorts of new information and advice for you fabulous people out there. So let's start things off right with a visit to my inbox for some more Ask A Hag:

Sea Hag,
Who do you think should pay for a first date? Shouldn't the person who asked pay?


Dear Tim,
I sincerely hope you are asking this question because you're just curious and not because some girl asked you out and you don't want to pay for a date, because seriously, dude, you seem like the kind of guy whose only sexual experiences come from cybering with 'female' characters from World of Warcraft.

But I digress.

Yes, the conventional wisdom of the day does say that whoever asked should pay (which, I guess, is an evolution of the phrase whoever smelt it, dealt it). However, there are many situations that fall into a gray area, such as blind dates or casual get-togethers. To overcome this obstacle, I have combined the awesomeness of my knowledge with the um... math-ness... of math to give you:

Today's Lesson: Using Math for Sex

(G + F) x (T + C + 1) / (E + W - R) - S

G = Gender
G = 10 points if you are a male, 5 if you are a female

F = Who Asked First
F = 1 point if you asked first. If you didn't ask first, then F = 0

T = Toast
Is toast awesome? 1 point for yes, 0 for no.

C = Casualness Of Date
On a scale on 1 - 10, how casual is this date?
Examples: 1 = Meeting at a Dumpster near a hot dog stand on a streetcorner, 5 = Meeting for lunch, 10 = Meeting your date at the airport for a trip to meet the Pope for dinner.

E = Number Of Events Planned For Date
Meeting for dinner? E = 1 point. Meeting for dinner and a movie? Two points. (And no, sex does not count as a planned event).

W = Day of the Week
1 point for weekdays, 2 for weekend days.

R= Money Spent Getting Ready for Date
Did you have your car washed? Get a pedicure? Buy new shoes to show off your pedicure? Buy a new dress to go with your new shoes? Buy a purse to go with your new dress? Deduct the total whole dollar amount you spent to prepare for your date here.

S = Sob Story Factor
If the person you are going on a date with has recently complained about the following, S = 20 points. Examples: Being unemployed, dying relatives, acid rain, car troubles, dead pets, back pain, alien abductions, stalked by ex, stalking ex, house just burned down, or recently plagued by tapeworms.

Or, you know what you could do? Open up your pie hole and talk about it. You could say "I'm a little old-fashioned, would you mind if I paid for you?" or "I don't mind paying for my half" or
"It's my treat." You could say "If I pick up dinner, do you mind getting the movie?" Or you could grow a pair and just pay for a first date like a gentleman, and ladies could graciously accept this treat and pick up the tab next time (if you give the guy another date).


Post Secret

Post secret is blowing up this week, good times over their.

Which means there is no possible way for me to pick a favorite. But for all the lazy people out there. Here are some of my top picks:

Lost Goddess' last

[Hyperion’s Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

So I can only assume (even though we all know that it makes an ASS out of U and ME) that it is some thing I to must do too. So here you are, my last every thing.

Last meal: Everything, I want to consume every dish ever cooked under the sun.

Last restaurant: Fuck that I'm going home to eat Dad's meatloaf

Last movie: I going sit through every film ever to have Quentin Tarantino or Kevin Smith's name on it.

Last book: Every book Anne rice wrote for her Vampire Chronicles

Last TV show: I have spent to much time sucking from this boob tube this is no way to end a life

Last game to play: hide and seek, and everyone from the barn better come and play with me.

Last Song: The Beetles Abby Road CD, either she so heavy or oh, Darline

Last Piece of Art: I would love to see Michelangelo's wall graffiti in the tunnels under where the Medici rest in Rome. Where they hide him form prosecutes back in their day

Last thing to write: one more poem, maybe even that novel about my life I'm so used to telling.

Last letter: a Good bye and thank you note to every here who stays with me even after I am gone.

Last thing to do: Have a festival for days celebrating life, love, pain , death, and hope

Last Wish: To have everybody I love with me in the afterlife if not at lest to be there at my end

Last Words: See you later alligator. (and you better reply: "after while crocodile")

Reasons for not coming into work

If you're looking for a reason to play hooky this week, here are a few:

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.