Friday, August 31, 2007

Observations from an echocardiogram

Okay, so yesterday I was watching the screen during my echocardiogram and here are a few observations / points of interest….

1) hallmark is way off – the heart looks more like an animated bell pepper

2) the valves look like a fish breaking the surface of the pound to gulp / beg for food

3) my heart has good beat – I think it’s going Buble’s latest “Everything

4) although that is a bit odd since it sounds like a washing machine or star trek sound effect

5) the way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach – well they did take shots of the bottom view of the heart by way of my tummy

6) having your heart in your throat – well they did take shots of the top of my hart by way of my collar bone / throat

7) breathing changes the light level on the screen of the ultrasound – it was totally neat-o

Domie's Lasts

[Hyperion’s Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

I had time in ICU back in January - and again yesterday in the waiting room. Well, some of these did pass through my mind in January as things I'd never get to do (thank God I survived to read HP7) and I took my waiting room time to list for our dear OverLord (love ya), along w/ knit a few scarfs.

Last meal: Some exquisite 9 course meal – if I’m dieing who cares about the diet!
Last restaurant: Brazilian Steak (Sal Grosso) – again why diet now?
Last movie: All of the Harry Potters J
Last book: All of the Harry Potters
Last TV show: West Wing
Last game to watch: Steelers winning their next Super Bowl
Last game to play: Clue
Last album: Michael Buble
Last Song: Hmmm – something by Buble – Best Is Yet To Come
Last Piece of Art: my master piece – something colorful, abstract and poignant
Last thing to write: a letter to my loved ones
Last letter: the E when I sign off the letter to Mathieu
Last thing to do: Tell those I love that I love them / say Good-bye
Last Wish: That those I love are safe & well
Last Words: “Amen” – hopefully I’ll receive “anointing of the sick” (aka last rites to some)

This assumes I'd have time to do all of that...but since we don't know when our last is, make it count!! I urge y'all to not pass up an opportunity to tell a loved one that you care.

Where has this Calendar been my whole life

'Fess up, ladies. How many of these guys have you or are you dating?

The Way Engineers Think

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!


Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

What Hyperion Got (part 3)

I was so shocked to see something come in the mail.

When it was addressed to "Hyperion the Deluded," I knew it had to be one of my Readers.

When I saw what it was, I almost blubbered in joy:

I didn't think anyone was actually going to get it for me! I was so happy. Brown-sugar Beef Jerky. Huzzah!!

But here's the thing: there was no signature! I thought it would be on the invoice, but nothing. And no emails in my Inbox.

So, fess up, Reader. Who was the awesome one of you to send me Beef Jerky. Tell me and I might even share....

Live on Arrival - Hello Goodbye

In the future you're all going to look back on this week as the one where Hyperion opened your eyes to true pop sensibility.

I got another one to put on your radar and tell your friends. it's called "Hello Goodbye" by Live on Arrival. This is NOT the song you've been hearing on the radio. That song is by the group hellogoodbye. It also isn't a cover of the Beatles's song, most recently heard in the David Beckham commercial.

Live on Arrival hasn't hit big in America yet, but like yesterday's "Relax" by Mika, it's only a matter of time. The song chronicles a man walking away from his girlfriend because he's aware of how horrible a person he is and also how his girl won't give up on him and just leave him already. Think "Hinder" but much more rocking.

Ignore the video: it is just stills of the group, but crank it up and check out this gem. Odds are you know someone in the song. Odds are you are someone in the song.

(If you need the lyrics, you can find them here.)

Now how about some 'preciation for all the hard work Hyperion has done to bring you these great songs, huh?

Five Monkeys

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowin g blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

2nd draft

Relax - It's Mika!

Folks, when I tell you something is going to be big, you need to listen to me. Not only do I have an uncanny ability to predict the whims of popular opinion, but I have fantastic taste.

Yesterday I told you about Stronger, by Kanye West, which really wasn't that much of a stretch. It's already a big song, and it's not hard to predict that a singer of his popularity would have his first song off an anticipated new album go huge. (I do get credit, if proved right, if proved right, for calling how big it will be.)

Today I go further out on a limb, bringing you Mika, with Relax. Trust me. This sound will hit. The video is cool too, so watch it if you can. If not, at least play the video at work with your headphones on. I guarantee that you will be sharing with work friends in minutes.

....which we called a "laser".......

[I found this on the Rick Dees website under "Rick Sleaze." Probably not the best source of hard news, but the story checks out]

Child Suspended For Doodling Laser Gun

An East Valley eighth-grader in Queen Creek, Arizona, was suspended this week after he turned in homework with a sketch that school officials said resembled a gun and posed a threat to his classmates.

But parents of the 13-year-old, who attends Payne Junior High School in the Chandler Unified School District, said the drawing was a harmless doodle of a fake laser, and school officials overreacted.

“I just can’t believe that there wasn’t another way to resolve this,” said Paula Mosteller, the boy’s mother. “He’s so upset. The school made him feel like he committed a crime. They are doing more damage than good.”

The Mosteller family moved to Chandler from Colorado Springs only four weeks ago, but it's not the kind of greeting Paula Mosteller, the boy's mother, said she was expecting.

"My son is a very good boy," Mosteller said. "He doesn't get into trouble. There was nothing on the paper that would signify that it was a threat of any form," she said. "He was just basically doodling and not thinking a lot about it."

The principal at Payne Junior High School kept the actual drawing.

The suspension follows an unrelated incident earlier this month in which Gilbert police were called to Payne Junior High School to investigate a rumor of a girl bringing a gun on campus. No gun was found and a letter was sent home to parents.

In the letter, school officials told parents about the incident and indicated there would be a zero-tolerance policy toward gun threats.

Chandler district spokesman Terry Locke said the school is not allowed to discuss students’ discipline records. However, he said the sketch was “absolutely considered a threat,” and threatening words or pictures are punished.

The sketch was one of several drawings scratched in the margins of a science assignment that was turned in on Friday. The boy said he never meant for the picture to be seen as a threat. He said he was just drawing because he finished an assignment early.

School officials issued the suspension on Monday afternoon and notified the student’s father, Ben. He met with school officials and persuaded them to shorten the suspension from five days to three.

When Ben Mosteller came to the school to discuss his son’s punishment, he said school officials mentioned the seriousness of the issue and talked about the massacre at Columbine High School — the site where two teenagers shot and killed 12 students and injured 24 others in 1999 at Littleton, Colo.

The Mostellers said the Columbine reference was extreme and offensive. They have contacted the district’s governing board about the incident.

“We understand that there was zero tolerance and the sketch could look like a gun, but the way this was handled was so horribly wrong,” Paula Mosteller said. “Hopefully, when my son goes back to school on Friday this will all be behind him. But a school accusing a child like this can have a huge effect on a child for the rest of his life.”

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hot Cuppa

:) LJS

And they wonder why they are mocked?

Maybe I should switch teams

She sounds so freakin' awesome!

I think I have a new hero.

Dragon's Last...

[Hyperion’s Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

Dragon's Last......

Last meal: Saffron risotto to start. Lobster and steak served with creamy mashed potatoes and sauteed mushrooms. Crème brûlée for dessert. Rich coffee, chocolate truffles and strawberries to finish.

Last restaurant: Fiaschetteria Toscana Restaurant in Venice, Italy

Last movie: Princess Bride

Last book: Bible

Last TV show: Simpsons

Last game to watch: Texas Hold'em tournament

Last game to play: Bid Euchre with my friends.

Last album: Come Away with Me - Norah Jones

Last Song: To Make You Feel My Love - Bob Dylan

Last Piece of Art: Anything by Klimt

Last thing to write: My will.

Last letter: To my family.

Last thing to do: Make love to my man.

Last Wish: I'd wish for more time and world peace.

Last Words: If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. I love you. Goodbye.


I loathe Kanye West about as much as it is possible to hate a person, but dammit if this song isn't the shiznit. (Video even more so.) Daft Punk collaborated, which gives the real good part of the song, but I have to give Kanye credit for being smart enough to team up. I HATE it when people I HATE make good songs.

But my hatred doesn't blind me from the truth, and if I say this is good, it should mean even more than a fan.

This will be the song/video of the year. Bank it.

by the way: "What would you do for a blondike?" would make a great ad campagain

Explain: use small words

I need help. Please tell me what is going on in this picture:

Book Quiz

I stole Dragon's Book Quiz, which she stole from Lady Jane, which she stole from God.

But I'm not sure I agree with what it gave me:

You're Watership Down!

by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

This book scares the hell out of me!

Then again, it would explain why I'm onto the Magic Pygmy Rabbits and no one else is....

Monday, August 27, 2007

Lady Jane's last...

[Hyperion’s Note: I wrote a column called One Last Thing Before I Go several years ago, and re-posted it a few days ago. In conjunction with doing so I asked the members of Monkey Barn to answer the questions themselves and answer it.]

Last meal:
I gave this one the most thought, because I am a food junkie. I love all sorts of food, and my favorite 'meals' are a bunch of small plates that are tasty. What to do? So I decided that it's going to be a hodgepodge of tapas-like dishes. Don't worry, I'll eat it all.

To start, POTSTICKERS and a big dish of potsticker sauce. Then, I'll follow it with a Michigan salad (lettuce, dried cherries, toasted pine nuts, gargonzola cheese and a raspberry vinagrette)

Next, a plate of cheeses, salamis and bread with olive oil and roasted garlic. Then a pasta dish with my homemade spaghetti sauce and a cup of my homemade minestrone soup.

Finally, my cheesecake. The whole darn thing.

Last restaurant: The tapas place in Quebec City, my first 'date' with Lord Mullet.

Last movie: Anything with Will Ferrell. I heart Will, and I figure it'll be nice to go out laughing.

Last book: "Love in the Time of Cholera"-which, btw, I heard is being made into a movie. Yikes, I hope it's good.

Last TV show: I'm going to kill the TV with a chainsaw and a couple grams of C4 on my last day, so...I guess my last TV show will be "The explosion and utter destruction of TV"

Last game to watch: UM...kicking OSU ass.

Last game to play: Chess

Last album: Another toughie, because I love me some music. What do to? "Elephant" by the White Stripes just barely beat "Cold Roses" by Ryan Adams.

Last Song: "Magnolia Mountain" by Ryan's a great mix of old Americana with some awesome Dead-like riffs. The boy does earn HIS DAY with this song.

" I want to be the bluebird singing
Singing to the roses in her yard
The roses in her yard her father grew for her
It's been raining that Tennessee honey
So long I got too heavy to fly
Ain't no bluebird ever gets too heavy to sing"

Last Piece of Art: Anything from the Catalan region

Last thing to write: I dunno what I'd write, I'd LIKE TO THINK that I'd be too busy doing my favorite things instead. Maybe I'd write a letter to my niece, telling her how proud I am of her and all the wonderful things I wish for her.

Last letter: Z. Obviously.

Last thing to do: Kiss Lord Mullett

Last Wish: World Peace

Last Words: "I love you too. Bye bye." (It's how we end our phone calls, our evenings, any time we are separated, in my family. I like it.)

Stealing, once again. Book Quiz.

I found this on lovely Lady Jane Scarelett's site. This just happens to be one of my favourite books. Go figure.

You're To Kill a Mockingbird!

by Harper Lee

Perceived as a revolutionary and groundbreaking person, you have
changed the minds of many people. While questioning the authority around you, you've also taken a significant amount of flack. But you've had the admirable guts to persevere. There's a weird guy in the neighborhood using dubious means to protect you,but you're pretty sure it's worth it in the end. In the end, it remains unclear to you whether finches and mockingbirds get along in real life.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Bad Bad Leroy Brown

This song came up on the home page and I thought you might like to watch the video to cheer up your day. (Lyrics below so you can sing along.)

Well the south side of chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named leroy brown

Now leroy more than trouble
You see he stand bout six foot four
All the downtown ladies call him treetop lover
All the mens just call him sir

And its bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Now leroy he a gambler
And he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wave his diamond rings
In front of everybodys nose
He got a custom continental
He got an eldorado too
He got a 32 gun in his pocket for fun
He got a razor in his shoe

And its bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Well friday bout a week ago
Leroy shootin dice
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named doris
And ooh that girl looked nice
Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
And leroy brown learned a lesson
bout messin with the wife of a jealous man

And its bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog,

Well the two men took to fightin
And when they pulled them from the floor
Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle
With a couple of pieces gone

And its bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog


New Motto: Why Killyourself? Life will do it for you

New Picture (suggested by Sea Hag; I am fairly certain it is a self-portrait):

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Yes they did ask!

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A : We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them
in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big
country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll
send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?(England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I
sell it in Canada?(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a
kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone
walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

What Hyperion Got (part 2)

Yesterday I detailed what kind of foodstuffs I got for Hyperion Day. Today I am detailing things that will last. (Although, knowing me, I may eat them.)

Surely you remember my rhapsodic and sexually charged review of 300 in March? Well, Kaida got me the 2 disc DVD!!!! Who wants to go throw some babies off of cliffs???

Next, I was REALLY surprised to get a fea[We interrupt this section to say that Kaida has declared this gift secret and has exercised her girlfriend prerogative to excise mention of it in these pages]ow to use it, but I said I'd try.

The next thing Kaida got me was a stuffed elephant. She did this for two reasons. First, I got a stuffed giraffe for Dinosaur Present Day (featuring T-Rex). I'm just now realizing that I didn't have a picture taken of Rook (the giraffe), which will probably have repercussions, but we press on. Besides causing a minor riot in my house (my mother loves all things giraffe like I love taffy; and I'm a man who loves his taffy), Rook was lonely, so he needed an elephant to keep him company.

Secondly, Kaida has been getting me elephant gods for some time. First was Tumasek, the pocket god of luck. Second was Domrey, the goddess of laptops, and third was Samara, the god of free food. I had my sister take cell phone pix the other night (so forgive the blurriness);

Tumasek, who probably spends 80% of his time in one of my pockets bringing me luck.

Domrey, who, and I don't want to be profane here, but I'm fairly sure became the goddess of laptops because she was always traveling around with my laptop that was all gray, and she's somewhat blind, so I think she thought it was her child. Nonetheless, I'm happy to have her protection. (By the way, though you can't tell, Tumasek is about 1.7 inches long and 2.9 inches high. Domrey is more like 4.2 inches long and 5.4 inches high.)

I cannot tell you how many times Samara has hooked me up with free food. What I used to do at was to take him up to a table and ask if he could day hi. Then when everyone is oohing and ahhing at his back (which, you can't see very well, but is intricately designed), I would steal food off their table. And if think I'm kidding, you clearly don't know me.

So those were my elephants. They are stately, majestic, and, I don't mind saying, a bit standoffish to the other gods. Basically, they think they are better than everyone. I'm not saying it's always a picnic, but gods have minds of their own. (See: gravity). Anyway, I was really worried they wouldn't accept a ''stuffed" elephant, but luckily after a day of sorting out, they accepted her just fine. This is Trinity:

She is a very cool elephant, sort of quiet right now, but fun. She loves swinging my her trunk and seems to get along not only with Elephant Triad but with the other gods. The elephant gods accept her because she is an elephant, and the other gods accept her because she is not a god and not pretentious. I'm almost wondering if she could bring peace to my fractious bedroom.....

But Hyperion Day would not be completely without an actual god. It's name is Herakleia, after Pyrrhus's famous battle site. As you can imagine, he is the god of Pyrrhic victories. When I first saw him I thought of Shishigami, the Forrest Spirit from PRINCESS MONONOKE. There is just a peace and calm and reverence about him that I don't know how to describe.

Sadly, I do not have a camera to take his picture. (Actually, I'm not even sure that'd be cool.) However, I did find this picture on Google Images. It doesn't capture the god-like qualities of Herekleia, but it does give you some idea of how profound a creature he represents.

When I opened the red stag god I thought it couldn't be topped, but Kaida, as usual, had one more present in store.

Before I get there, you will recall a few weeks ago I humorously wrote about trying to get Kaida a gift. (The humor was not well received, prompting me to write a follow-up three days later to quell the firestorm.)

The point is, I was anxious about my gift to her, not because of competing (how could I), but just because I wanted to do something a tenth as nice for her as she does for me. This is just one gift box from one holiday (Hyperion Day, which is really celebrated the rest of the month, in case you still need to shop.) She really is a fantastic gift giver. There is no topping her, in the history of the known universe.

Anyway, these last few gifts were in a really cool gift box that looked like a very tan alligator skin. Inside that was another small gift box of same make, and inside that more red tissue paper, (There is always colorful paper, which I enjoy, along with boxes, as much as the gifts. Then again, legend has it that for my first Christmas all the relatives totally splurged to get the first grandkid all this Fisher Price stuff, and I spent the entire day playing with an orange.)

Anyway, inside that little box (which was inside the bigger box which was inside the biggest box, and how pathetic am I for trying to build suspense?) was a marble ball. But it wasn't just any ball.

It was a world. My very own world, to look at and contemplate in my own god-like ways. Kaida said I could use it when I was stressed or when I had writer's block, but you just know I will be sending down some commandments on tablets any day. If you look closely at my world you will see oceans and continents filled with mountain ranges and rivers. It really is a world.


You know, until I conquer this one.

I haven't named the world yet, so if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. But could there be a more perfect gift for a benign would-be dictatorial charming megalomaniac like myself?

No, there could not.

I have not gotten a picture of my world yet (coming soon, I promise), but I wanted you to see what I was talking about, so here is one I found online.

I hope you all have a wonderful Hyperion Day, filled with sunshine and elephants and gods and worlds and love. I know I will.

August 26, 2007
4:30 AM

Saturday, August 25, 2007

What Hyperion Got (part 1)

With all my recent posts on what to get me for Hyperion Day, I did want to take some time to acknowledge what I actually got! Kaida sent me a gift box that makes whatever your girlfriend gave you look sick in comparison. That's right: wallow in jealousy!

In fact, she gave me so much stuff that I had to break it into two days. Today I'm just looking at the food:

I've never had one of these things before, so I am way excited. The golden ones are hazelnut, the white ones are meringue, and the ones in the middle are I think Cherry. My mother tried to open the package at least 4 times in ten minutes, so I'm guessing they are good.

For the life of me, I cannot find pictures of turnover cookies (these are linzers or something), but these look kind of close. I got two packages of Voortman cookies: Raspberry and Blueberry Turnovers. They are incredible.

Where would be be without Skittles? I got two (count 'em two) bags, on Fruit & Creme and one Berry Explosion. I would show them to you, but Skittles has the most annoying website in the world. Seriously. Go there and see. It's like they spent 5 years designing the most clever thing in the world that you can't use.

I've never even heard of South African Red before, let alone had it, so I'm very excited. (By the way, my brand is Lipton, which comes with a pyramid tea bag. How cool is that?)

I couldn't find it to show you, but my box had 30 bars! Along with the Sweet & Salty line (the peanut and the almond ones), Nature Valley is totally in the hizzy these days. I'd almost rather have one of these than a candy bar.

Oh my dear Gord were these good! They are hella-spicy, but I was so afraid my mom would eat them anyway that I finished the package in one sitting. Somehow they are a combination of potato and rice. Anyone have any info here?

A casualty of showing my family, but I don't begrudge them. These are so good and so addictive.

I don't see how people can just eat one of these at a time.

If there's a better food, I haven't found it. Jack Links is probably the best "national" brand, too. They have so many new flavors and styles. I cannot wait to try them all.

Dude, trail mix rocks! Almonds and Cashews together, and it's not all peanuts and raisins like most trail mix. And the M&Ms? Genius. I wonder how long four pounds will last me?

You put a gun to my head, and this might be the single best food in the world. I could eat a two pound bag a day, and I'm not even kidding. Sadly, I didn't get that chance, as my family devoured most of my bag. Somehow the sugar isn't grainy and it stays moist and sticky. Kind of how I like my women.....


Headlines around American newspapers. My comments in (the parentheses).

- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group (Stupid agenda-driven science....)

- Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft (Too bad there wasn't a dog)

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (I call them "tapas")

- Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire (Lucky he didn't bugger a horse)

- Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood (Damn telemarketers!)

- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years (This time they'll plug in the chair)

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One (Talk about spreading the Love)

- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While (Calling Captain Obvious)

- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures (Take That, Global Warming!)

- Deer Kill 17,000 (Guns don't kill people, Bambi does)

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge (I pray this wasn't in Minnesota)

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Maybe Death Row convicts need typhoons!)

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies (This is why I've never had a flu shot)

- Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors (Just give them a basketball court, already!)

Domie's latest drawring :-) Take a look ya checky monkeys

Friday, August 24, 2007

What to get Hyperion? (part 5 of 5)

So this is kind of a sad story.

The year was 1999. I had disposable income (probably the last time), and a complete love of pens. Specifically the Fisher Space Pen. Have you heard of it? Best pen ever invented. It can write upside down, under water, and at temperatures of -50 to 250 degrees. How cool is that?

(And let me just say right now that there is a vicious rumor that NASA spent billions developing the Space Pen while the Russians just used a pencil. It's total BS and anyone who repeats such vile slander should die violently at the hands of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Initially both NASA and the Russian Space program used pencils, but they sucked, the lead could break off and kill, plus catch on fire. The good people at Fisher developed the space pen and offered it to NASA, and they were thrilled. And the Russian space program took it up too. So there!)

As you can tell, I LOVED the space pen. I went to their site and bought everyone in my family one. My brother and I even got these MARS Golden Titanium Pens engraved with our names! I liked it because it was nice and big and thick. Cost an arm and a leg, though.

Also, I got this amazing Sensa Pen. What made Sensa so great? Well, they not only had the Fisher Space pen refill for ink, but they used this molding gel as a grip. A wonderful pen, and actually my day-to-day go to pen. (The MARS was too special to carry around.)

You can see this coming, but in the "space" of two weeks both were gone. My beautiful Sensa pen fell out of a plane I was loading, and I lost the MARS pen after a horrific argument with my (at the time) girlfriend's step-mother. (I went back several days later and literally tore the house up looking for that pen. I even pulled up the carpets. This house was always immaculate, and since I was only in a few rooms, the only possible conclusion I could draw was that she threw it away out of spite.)

My wonderful aunt did get me a space pen for Christmas. it's one of the small bullet pens, and I have it right here with me. However, my fingers are so big that I can't use it for every day. If you want to get Hyperion a wonderful gift, a Sensa pen would be amazing. (The Classic and Zephyr are both incredible.

If the price scares you, there is also this neato Aeropen, also with the Fisher refill. Not quite as comfortable, but I'd still love it.

They do have the MARS pens reduced, but they aren't engraved and still cost way too much. But some day......)

And please, people, even if you would never ever EVER buy me a gift, consider getting one of these (or any of the pens at the Fisher site) for someone you care about who loves pens. They will be thrilled! But if you do love me, send the pen to 540 Front Ave. Columbus GA 31901.

White Town - Your Woman

Have you ever had a song that kind of got to you, and then you saw the video and it almost ruined it for you?

That's "Your Woman" by White Town. Then again, maybe they couldn't do the song any other way. This song always kind of creeped me out because I couldn't figure out if the dude was gay or singing as a woman or for a woman or there was something else I was missing.

I printed the lyrics below, in case that helps.

Just tell me what you've got to say to me
I've been waiting for so long to hear the truth
It comes as no surprise at all you see
So cut the crap and tell me that we're through

Now I know your heart, I know your mind
You don't even know you're bein' unkind
So much for all your highbrow Marxist ways
Just use me up and then you walk away
Boy, you can't play me that way

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you


I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman

When I saw my best friend yesterday
She said she never liked you from the start
Well me, I wish that I could claim the same
But you always knew you held my heart

And you're such a charming, handsome man
Now I think I finally understand
Is it in your genes? I don't know
But I'll soon find out, that's for sure
Why did you play me this way

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you


Well I guess what they say is true
I could never spend my life with a man like you


Thursday, August 23, 2007

Vick Jury Selection

What to buy Hyperion? (part 4 of 5)

Some of you have written to complain that the gifts I have suggested are too expensive. "But Hyperion, we don't even like you that much," you whined. Well, never let it be said I don't listen.

One thing I have been coveting for a very long time are more Nick Carter books. Trust me: any guy who isn't out painting his shoes a crispy white will LOVE these books. Basically it's James Bond, but meaner, rougher, more violent and with more sex. Plus, the books are made for airplane reading, so they aren't very long. Oh, and did I mention that Nick Carter Killmaster is American!!!

Don't get confused by the name and think we're talking about that poofter singer who was in BSB. Nick Carter Killmaster came first, baby. (Although with the ladies, he always makes sure they come first, because he's sensitive and shit.)

One other thing: you want to be careful and get only the books produced in the '80s. Before that the Nick Carter series was about a detective. Not enough blood, not enough boobies! I'm not sure where you can find Nick Carter books, but Amazon seems to think you can buy them for $.50 apiece, and a used bookstore ought to have them. Here is a list. Look for Volumes 140 or higher. (About the time Reagan ran for president is when they got all kick ass.) You give this to a guy who doesn't even read and I guarantee his loyalty for life.

But if making you guy happy with bombs and breasts are not your thing......

Designer Gifts has Giant Green olives stuffed with Bleu Cheese. What more can I say? Actually, this site has some hella sweet gourmet food, which chicks like too, so check that out. But green olives with bleu cheese? Hello!

How Professors grade their Final Exams

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

All students get the same grade they got last year.

Grade is determined by God.

What is a grade?

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Grades are variable.

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Random number generator determines grade.

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Everybody gets an A.

For guys, girls and Walls

Dudes, I have a couple of links for you.

First, for you guys, a handy charat to understand female facial expressions. Pay close attentinon to 1, 6 and 11, as those are the ones most you're most likely to see.

For the bitches out there, I found this article of Three Signs a Guy is interested in you. Ladies, DO NOT follow this advice, especially #3. If a guy is doing #3 to you, he's not interested in you. Trust me.

Finally, no day would be complete without spending seven seconds watching some guy fly into a wall. Next time I'm drunk I'm going to try this:

li'l tobias out