Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Your Brain is Purple
Of all the brain types, yours is the most idealistic.
You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.
Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.
Monday, February 26, 2007
10. Kate Winslet looked lovely in this pale green Valentino gown.
9. Jessica Biel looked a little 'chilly' in this raspberry Oscar de la Renta dress.
7. Will Smith got to take home a golden statue after all. Jada Pinkett Smith glowed in this gold Carolina Herrera gown.
#5. Jennifer Lopez never disappointment me. She was simply stunning in this crystal-encrusted lilac Marchesa gown.
#4. Gwyneth Paltrow looked very sexy in her salmon coloured Zac Posen gown.
#3. Cate Blanchett was shimmering in this silver mesh Armani gown.
#2. Wow! Being single seems to agree with Reese Witherspoon. I loved this layered deep purple Nina Ricci gown.
#1. This was the first gown I saw last night and what can I say, I fell in love. It was couture at its most glamorous best. Penelope Cruz was a romantic vision in this blush coloured Versace gown.
Oscar Outrage Buzz - This may or may not have legs, depending on if Conservatives think they can get traction over trashing what they see as the "Agenda-driven" Oscars, or whether they've already given up the ceremony as propaganda years ago.
Anyway, once the Oscar buzz dies down, and assuming there is no new traction in the Anna Nicole Smith case or Britney doesn't join the Hare Krishnas, James Cameron may become the dominant story by the end of the week. Just so you can be ahead of the curve:
Cameron finds Jesus, sort of
"Only two more weeks until the nominations go out. Oh,
who will take home a coveted Barnie?"
Saturday, February 24, 2007
lOsT "the more you know" GoDdeSs
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I was downstairs on the library computer to post my Lentils column, and I logged out and such. Then I found out I could check out a laptop, and with my back and ankles that option would be much better for stretching out in a big chair upstairs. I took the elevator up to the library and went through the hassle of getting one.
I sit down and type in blogger.com, figuring I'd do a bit more around the site, only to discover...
I WAS ALREADY LOGGED IN!!!!!
You can imagine my panic.
When I used to have a home computer (way back when I had a home), sometimes I would close a blogger window and not log out. When I oppened blogger back on, I'd find I was still logged on.
Could I somehow have forgotten to log out every single window, and the library "system" keeps me logged on? Does this mean that if someone else logs into blogger they can access my stuff???
It turns out that's not the case (I think). What had happened was that I logged on my gmail account first, and since the new blogger does gmail for the log in, I think it just acted in concert.
Lately it's gotten so bad that they even think alike, sometimes when separated by great distances.
So it comes that both of these twins happen to think the exact same thing at the exact same time.
One is walking on a tight rope between those giant towers in Indonesia
While at the same time, his brother is in Chicago, getting head from a 90 year old woman.
They both think the exact same thing at the exact same time. What is it?
[answer in comments]
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Thanks to those who opined on the large rack question, including two of you who went out of your way to tell me that another member might be false-perpetrating the mammary goodness.
This leads me to my next question, which is kind of delicate, since it involves my sister, who would kill me if she knew I shared, so DO NOT REPEAT DO NOT let it get back to her.
So, Thursday night she and a friend from work met these guys. My sister was all excited. He's the greatest guy on earth, a true Renaissance man, able to do anything. Sounds like a bragger to me, but maybe I'm just jealous that she never called me a Renaissance man.
So anyway, last night she's all sick, and then he calls at one in the morning. Next thing you know she's asking if she can bum a ride to the hotel where I've come to post everything, and he'll pick her up here.
Now, I'm not bothered by the late time thing. I do things late at night, and that's just the life for the young. What bothers me is him not coming to pick her up where we live.
She said that he said it was too far, but it was only another 5 miles, and all of that freeway, which means 7 minutes, tops. To me this is a huge red flag.
The guy's 30 (she's 21) and he has a car and money isn't the issue. She said he was tired, but if he's too tired to drive the last five miles, how can he safely make it the first five, and what about getting my sister home?
My real problem is that it seems like he's seeing how much he can get her to do. She's already jumping through hoops to see him, bumming rides and moving on his whim. (Normally she demands hours to get ready, but when told I was leaving in two minutes at 2:26, she got ready.) Then when I ran through McDonald's for a Dollar Meu item she called him twice and texted him once to apologize profusely in case he had to wait.
Here's what I want to know:
Am I being an overprotective brother, just looking for any reason to not like this guy, or is this a serious red flag? At the very beginning of knowing someone (they've only hung out once before, although she called him baby on the phone), and already he won't come pick her up? This just seems wrong, very wrong to me. Not only does it hand all power in the relationship over to the older guy, but it just seems like this guy is going to push this as far as he can.
[keep all of your thoughts on my sister's character out of your fucking comments, since she is a stubborn but very naive girl about such things, but tell me truly: should I have this guy killed?]
Friday afternoon I received a package from none other than Thrash, a combo Valentine's Day gift and thank you for being included in the Barn. Among the treasures:
Now, I don't want to sound like a girl, but let me just say that it got a little dusty in there when I opened up the package. What a stud!
In his note Biffy mentioned that he was sorry the gift was late, but he figured that all the Monkey Barn women would have already sent their proclamations of love.
Ahem. [clears throat]
Anyway, from now on, you know where Biff Spiffy sits?
The front seat!
That's right. Thrash gets Shot Gun on all trips in the BarnaBego from now on.
HYPERION HAS SWITCHED TO NEW BLOGGER. HE WAS FORCED TO DO THIS.
BECAUSE OF THIS ACTION, ALL MONKEY BARN MEMBERS ARE FORCED TO SWITCH TOO.
HYPERION REGRETS THIS, BUT HE FEARS YOU WOULD HAVE HAD TO ANYWAY.
PLEASE LET HYPERION KNOW IF THERE IS ANY TROUBLE
ALSO, RENNRATT BELONGS HERE WITH US EVEN THOUGH FOR SOME REASON SHE CAN'T SEEM TO GET IN.
HYPERION SUSPECTS ONE OF YOU IS SABOTAGING RENNRATT BECAUSE YOU FEAR HER AWESOMENESS AND HOT FORMIDABLE CABOOSE.
PLEASE STOP AND LET RENNRATT IN
THAT IS ALL
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
"Roses are red,violets are blue"
BUT WHO CARES
flowers don't compare to you.
and if the sky falls down,
and oceans swell,
and the earth cracks open releasing hell.
i will not fear, no i won't be afraid
For I'd be with you, To end of my days.
Now you have 2.
Be my Valentine
Sweet as hell right?
So I sent him one back hand written that was as follows
Blood bleed red
Midnight seas of blue
I am making this poem just for you
You came along and swept my feet
Nothing can ever compare, for you are very sweet
Together forever we will be until the end of time
Just say yes you will be my Valentine!
Thank you , I will be here all week if you screwed up again this year and need to make amends
~Lost "finally feelin da luv" Goddess
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. (Okay, i'm not a man by any measure - but, can't I get pick up both of these items at Target :-) )
Some interesting answers. Here's mine.
It's a little known fact, but a long time ago Hyperion dated one of the Monkeys in the Barn. No, I'm not going to say who, and we're just friends today, but I remember once after we broke up for the second time (we were one of those couples who broke up several times, but it wouldn't work out so we'd get back together). Anyway, after that second time "Shirley" went out with some real losers.
At first I was happy, because of their loserdom, but after a while it kind of got to me. I mean, if that was the kind of man she picked, what did that say about me? Was I an abberation, or the norm?
More importantly, those guys and I belonged to a special club: people who at one point dated Shirley." It's an exclusive club (well, relatively speaking), not open to just anybody. Forever more I would be in this group, and as such, I wanted it populated with pretty great people. I continually badgered Shirley to date Brad Pitt (she was cool enough to have pulled it off, had she wanted to), so that I would be in a group of men that included Brad Pitt. I felt this would, by comparison, make me a better man.
That's my two cents.
Are you ready for the next question?
How is it that every Monkey Barn lady is...uh, well endowed? I mean no offense here, but it seems staggering to me that of all the women we have, not one is a pirate's dream (sunken chest).
You can't blame me. I've only met three of you, and only knew two before they became monkeys. I had no idea that most had large chests, until the information filtered to me, either through photographs (sadly, normal ones) word of mouth or "testimonials."
Even our latest member, who isn't even with us yet, and I'm quoting Tiff verbatim here because I have no idea myself, is "spectacularly racked."
So what's the deal? Am I subconsciously seeking out an All-Star Team for the Blogger Stripper Olympics? Is this some Oedipal issue owing to the fact that I was never breast fed? Or is the real cause reversed, and bosomy babes are seeking out the Barn on their own?
Please enlighten me with your theories. (And guys? I'm probably in enough trouble for bringing it up. I'd keep out of this and just thank the Light it is so.)
Look it up for yourself!
Anyway, it's mildly interesting but not captivating. However, I think something like Survivor only works if you can root for and against people, and that only works if you have a partner in crime to trash the people with.
I initially enlisted someone to watch the first episode, but they dropped out after one. This leaves me alone, and unsure where to go. I am willing to continue Survivor (why not?), but only if someone is interested in watching it so we can gossip about the contestants and decide who to love and hate.
If so, email me at email@example.com and put "SURVIVOR" in the subject line, and we'll start a club.
Note: I'm also willing to start a "Pictures of Jessica Alba naked Club" if anyone is interested in that too.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
First of all, I can't access Monkey Barn Proper, but did anyone get the nicknames? I'll put the answer, and you can tell me:
The hint is that all three people were hosts of MTV's Headbanger's ball. One of the groups often featured (in the '80s) was Ratt. Ratt's origial name was MickeyRatt, hence calling Rennratt Mickey.
Similar etymology for Biffy. See, you have Biff Spiffy, but I call him Biffy. From there you go to Biffy the Vampire Slayer, and from there to Slayer, which was of course a Thrash Metal band.
Pretty neat, huh?
Secondly, there have been many issues with old/new blogger and Monkey Barn. Actually, as far as I know, Rennratt has still officially not joined us here, and others are having problems (like Sea Hag, who assures me she has a killer V-Day Valentine's post, but she can't get it up here.)
So far I have refrained from joining new blogger for the principle reason that it happened while I was in exile, and also worries about the rest of you. However, I may be forced to act.
I have appointed Tiff my liason on this issue, responisble for finding out what needs to be done and smoothing over the problems. Please contact her if there are problems, and bear with is. If for some reason I have to switch over and all of you are bumped off, be assured that it will only take a few naked pictures to get you all back on.
The last thing I wanted to ask was actally slated for Monday (I had all these "love" questions set up for the week, before illness). This question is mostly for the ladies, but the guys can answer too with opposing genders:
Let's say you had a substantial relationship (8+ months), and then an amicable break up. Break ups are never easy, but this one is not seething with resentment. So, those issues not present, and the break up not for infidelitious reasons, would you want his next girlfriend to be demonstrably better looking than you, demonstrably worse looking than you, about the same but totally different type (blonde vs redhead, tall vs. short, etc.), or does it not make a difference?
Don't just spout off, but really think through your answer, and whenever the hell I get back here I'll give you my analysis.
Oh, and Koz promised to post something awesome tonight. If there is nothing on the morrow you have my permission to post his email and inundate him with hate.
Your Leader, bowed, but never broken
(we're still working on the outfit)
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Aaint and we're Jewish," he asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden!?" his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swelled as he looked at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot him."
My last Love is a Battlefield entry was for all you spazzes out there who hate Valentine's Day, so it's only fair to devote this one to those who actually partake and therefore give me an opportunity to turn it into an Epic Love is a Battlefield Two Part Holiday Extravaganza!Today's lesson: Valentine's Day is for appreciatorsSo, you went and found yourself a date for Valentine's Day...so what, you think you're better than the rest of us now? Pppft! It was just last year that you were calling me at 1:30 in the morning drunk on Nyquil and listening to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' on repeat and sobbing about how you'd never find anyone.Anyway, I honestly don't think that the idea of Valentine's Day is so bad; I mean, I think most of us get caught up in our day-to-day lives that it's nice to have a day that couples can set aside as their own to celebrate their relationship.So, what are you going to do to celebrate? Sea Hag has some ideas for you clueless gentlemen out there. First of all, remember how you thought it would be a great idea to get your lady a Dustbuster for Christmas? Remember the look on her face when she opened it in front of her family? Yeah. Now is the time for atonement for your gift-giving sins with diamonds. Huge, eye-searing diamonds set in platinum. And chocolate. And a trip to the spa. And a new car. And maid service. And a case of vanilla vodka. And a chimpanzee with a fez riding on a unicorn. Whatever you did last year, you HAVE to top it or else your manhood will be called into question. Remember, nothing says 'I love you' like her name in tattoo form! (And let me just say that even if your chica declares that she hates Valentine's Day and doesn't want a thing out of you...well, that's Crazy Girl Speak for At Least Acknowledge The Fact That It's Valentine's Day And Make An Effort Anyway. Trust me on this.)And ladies, it's your job on Valentine's Day to treat your man to a trip between your thighs. Lingerie helps, and if you don't have anything skimpy you can always improvise! Unleash your creative side with a Bedazzler and some dental floss! Vaseline and some corn starch can be very sexy too, or you can be like Kendra from The Girls Next Door and use "two Band-Aids and a cork".Sea Hag hopes that whatever it is you decide to do to celebrate this warm and fuzzy day, you get laid and you later thank Sea Hag appropriately for it. I accept all major credit cards, cash, PayPal, and shiny beads.love,
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
#1: Your favorite place to swim and reasons relate to how you feel about sex.
Some of you like to "swim" (note finger quotes) with lots of people, some are afraid of sharks, and some don't "swim" at all. Poor Chachi. Interesting, Koz blows bubbles and Tiff prefers a long pool...
#2: Finding yourself alone in the woods indicates how you feel about the future.
A mixed bag of adventurers and 'rather not, thank yous' in our little group.
#3: The white room reveals your thoughts on death.
The bony guy with the scythe better find some shin guards and a cup before TL arrives.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Here's how it works: Answer each of the questions in the comments. Use as few or many words as you like, but don't make it too complicated.
When everyone has answered (within a cuppa days), I'll tell ya what it means. Sound like fun? Of course it does (and yes, I'll be playing along).
1. What's your favorite place to swim, and why?
2. You're dropped off in the middle of a forest. How do you feel?
3. You're in a white room with no windows, doors, or features. How do you feel?
Ready, and.... GO!
You must have the correct rationale to get the points. I will give you a hint: Kevin Seal, Adam Curry and Riki Rachtman
Renratt will be known as Mickey
Biff Spiffy will be known as Thrash. (This one is very hard, so I'll give 75 points)
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Here's my first go, a story to warm the cockles of your heart. Or maybe even the sub-cockle regions, we don't know. Tiff gets inspiration credit for her 'guy walks into a bar' jokes from last week.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer, while his monkey climbs off his shoulder and scampers down the bar. The monkey grabs a fistful of peanuts and stuffs them in his mouth. Then he runs over to a guy at the bar and snatches his sandwich right out of his hands and takes a big bite, dropping it back on the bar. He leaps from the bar to a table, takes a big handful of lasagna from a woman's plate, knocking over drinks and scattering tableware. He jumps to the pool table with a game in progress, leaving marinara paw prints on the felt. Just before a big, burly biker takes a shot, the monkey grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
By this time the bar is in an uproar, and the patrons and bartender are about to throttle the monkey's owner. He calls the monkey, who hops back on his shoulder while he apologizes profusely. "I'm really sorry about my monkey, he eats everything in sight." He pays for the damages and ruined food, buys a round of drinks for everyone, and leaves.
Two weeks later, the guy walks into the same bar with the monkey perched on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer, and the monkey scampers down the bar to a bowl of pretzels. He grabs a pretzel, looks it over, shoves it in his butt, and then he ate it.
The bartender came running from down the bar, waving his hands. "Whoa, whoa! I don't know about your monkey, man, I can't have him doing that in here!"
The guy again apologized. "I'm really sorry, my monkey, he still eats everything in sight. But ever since that cue ball, he measures it first."
Four housekeeping items:
One, my public chastisement of several of the male members (hee hee: male members) was done out of love. I want to hear from you all more often. But seriously: I know everyone has issues, but if I can get to a computer, anyone can, and I mean that literally. If work is a no no, post from home. If nothing else, I need you dudes, else I'm likely to be overrun by skirt, and while normally that might seem like a good proposition, I'm scrrrrrrrd!
Secondly, starting yesterday I am letting each Monkey have a week to select the picture and motto. This week was Dominique, for the simple reason that she called me the day I decided to start this. I've already asked the second person, but it's random from here on out, so don't fret if it takes awhile to get to you.
Third, I love the posts lately, and I'm not hating on quizzes, jokes and links. They have kept this going, especially when I'm out. But Hyperion wants to here what you think about things. Each of you was asked to be a Monkey because you have a unique world view and something to add. So take some time this week to tell us about your life, or something that's just on your mind. (And that's a memo.)
Lastly, we welcome two new Monkeys today. They were both invited several weeks ago (one several months ago), but because of my inability to get to the computer, the invites just went out today. I want it noted that both were invited well before any "campaigns" began to include them, which is a good thing, because Hyperion is not keen on public lobbying, and if I'd seen that BEFORE I had decided to invite them, I probably wouldn't have. We always have room for more here, but tell me privately in the future if possible.
Anyway, at some point Biffy (I refuse to say Biff Spiffy from here on out, so I rename him Biffy) and RennRatt will be joining us. Please make them feel right at home, and try to hold down the hazing.
Your fearless leader will return as soon as possible.
Monday, February 05, 2007
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Friday, February 02, 2007
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Super Bowl Recipes
Dominque Super Bowl Jello
Sea Hag's Eats for your Superbowl Par-tay
Koz's Superbowl Party Recipe's for Guys
Dragon's Fiery football Feast
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, wee’ all the way home!”
Now, I thought this was a funny joke but when I told Hyperion, he was less than enthused. We also got into a discussion about Porky Pig and his girlfriend Petunia.
Dragon: "Have you noticed that Porky and Petunia have the same last name and aren't married."
Hyperion: "What are you saying? Do you think they're related?"
Dragon: "Well they could be kissing cousins or worse brother and sister. Ewwww."
Hyperion: "What would you call that? Pig-cest?"
Sigh. Only in a conversation with Hyperion [shakes head].