Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 17

Happy Valentine's Day Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve my fabulous readers! Are you getting all lubed up for this greatest of all awesome holidays or what?!?

Like most all other holidays, I think Valentine's Day was a lot better when you were little and your class had a party and you passed out those little cards with The Transformers or Jem and the Holograms on them to everyone and you got to make construction paper mailboxes and eat Red Hots and Conversation Hearts and the cupcakes that the popular girl's mom made. Today, I'm vaguely indifferent to Valentine's Day. Any enthusiasm for it was totally squashed when the dude I was dating my sophomore year in high school forgot about it. Asshole.

Today's lesson: Valentine's Day is for haters
But man, there are a lot of people who just totally hate them some Valentine's Day with a passion that makes them wish they had laser cannons mounted in their chests so they could kill those dicks at DeBeers and Hallmark. Haters seem to fall into these categories:

1. Overwhelmed-By-Marketing People
Yeah, it's really hyped up and commercialized and people get tired of hearing about it, but I get tired of car ads around President's Day and I sure as hell don't waste energy on hating President's Day.

2. Lonely Hearts
A lot of people despise V-Day because they don't have anyone to celebrate it with. Yeah, that sucks, but view it as just another day and buy yourself a big-ass thing of chocolates and eat until the nougat-y goodness fills the void in your life.

3. People With Clueless Partners
This might be worse than not having a sweetheart on Valentine's Day because you're expecting something and you get a big box full of nothing. This year, let your hubby know that Valentine's present = pussy and he will never, ever forget.

4. Conspiracy Theorists
Yes, yes, we all realize Valentine's Day is just a huge scam by the greeting card, chocolate and diamond companies to take over the world. But wait... those same people are responsible for Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays and bar/bat mitzvahs... OH NOES IT'S TRUE!!!! Sheesh, no wonder why you people don't have a girlfriend.

So, for all you haters out there, I feel you. Just remember that Sea Hag will always love you. But then again, I think you're a whiny dork for actually getting upset over a lame holiday. Cheer up...after all, tomorrow is another day (full of Easter decorations)!

Tune in next time for another Love is a Battlefield installment for all you deranged people who actually like Valentine's Day.


Biff Spiffy said...

I likes me some Sea Hag. I do think it's about time there was a Stomp Out President's Day coalition or something. I haven't picketed in a long time, and I'm about due.

My simultaneous favorite/ least favorite VDay item is those candy hearts, made from the same bone meal and earwig honey recipe for generations.

Sea Hag said...

Spliffy is a Futurama fan!

Koz said...

The opening paragraph cracked me up!!! xoxoxoxoxo

Biff Spiffy said...

Yes, AAMOF... Good spot! I got all 4 seasons on DVD. Gawd I'm such a geek.

Sea Hag said...

Dude, I have them all on DVD know they're making new episodes again, right?

Biff Spiffy said...

Squee! Yes, I heard... and it's taking fordamnever. All that Korean animation.

tiff said...

Hey - you guys, get a fucking ROOM already!

Also, V-Day sucks major bong water. Hates it, the stoopid made-up holiday. And I'm married and everything! I should love it.

Cripes - get me flowers some OTHER day, dude, and that'll get you laid. Roses on V-day just scream "I'm clueless and still you need to bed me"! Um, uh, NO. You just PAID TOO MUCH for flowers......

Crap - that sounds bitter. Sorry. Been married way too long I guess.

Hey, celebrate away, all y'all non-haters! Lemme know how that worked for ya.

Biff Spiffy said...

Tiff, would you like some candy hearts? I have some left over from 7th grade, they're still as fresh as the day I got 'em...

tiff said...

Biff - thanks, you're ever so kind, but that's not going to sweeten me up to V-Day. Plus, there' prolly pocket lint on those suckers.

Now, if you've got a gallon of hard cider lying around, I might have some of THAT.

Sea Hag said...

Ah, hard cider. A woman after my own (conversation) heart.

Yeah, nothin' says lovin' like the $7.99 mixed bouquet from Kroger that your man picked up on the way home because he 'forgot'.

tiff said...

So, for the monkeybarn inaugural clubhouse par-tay - it will be hard cider and bourbon all around! Hooray, the menu is coming together!

We shall shoot conversation hearts from slingshots at passers-by whilst wearing the uniform of monkey print lounge pants and inside-out sweatshirts, then go inside and bounce in the trampoline room and beat one another with cheap bouquets of mums and baby's breath.

I can see it now, and I am totally looking forward to it!

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

I'm all for the hard cider and bourbon, but maybe we can include a heart pinata too for us non-haters? I'm not too jaded...yet. I'll give yous the update on Thursday.

Biff Spiffy said...

Party?? Trampoline room!! Slingshot!!!!!!

I am so there!