Like most all other holidays, I think Valentine's Day was a lot better when you were little and your class had a party and you passed out those little cards with The Transformers or Jem and the Holograms on them to everyone and you got to make construction paper mailboxes and eat Red Hots and Conversation Hearts and the cupcakes that the popular girl's mom made. Today, I'm vaguely indifferent to Valentine's Day. Any enthusiasm for it was totally squashed when the dude I was dating my sophomore year in high school forgot about it. Asshole.
Today's lesson: Valentine's Day is for haters
But man, there are a lot of people who just totally hate them some Valentine's Day with a passion that makes them wish they had laser cannons mounted in their chests so they could kill those dicks at DeBeers and Hallmark. Haters seem to fall into these categories:
1. Overwhelmed-By-Marketing People
Yeah, it's really hyped up and commercialized and people get tired of hearing about it, but I get tired of car ads around President's Day and I sure as hell don't waste energy on hating President's Day.
2. Lonely Hearts
A lot of people despise V-Day because they don't have anyone to celebrate it with. Yeah, that sucks, but view it as just another day and buy yourself a big-ass thing of chocolates and eat until the nougat-y goodness fills the void in your life.
3. People With Clueless Partners
This might be worse than not having a sweetheart on Valentine's Day because you're expecting something and you get a big box full of nothing. This year, let your hubby know that Valentine's present = pussy and he will never, ever forget.
4. Conspiracy Theorists
Yes, yes, we all realize Valentine's Day is just a huge scam by the greeting card, chocolate and diamond companies to take over the world. But wait... those same people are responsible for Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays and bar/bat mitzvahs... OH NOES IT'S TRUE!!!! Sheesh, no wonder why you people don't have a girlfriend.
So, for all you haters out there, I feel you. Just remember that Sea Hag will always love you. But then again, I think you're a whiny dork for actually getting upset over a lame holiday. Cheer up...after all, tomorrow is another day (full of Easter decorations)!
Tune in next time for another Love is a Battlefield installment for all you deranged people who actually like Valentine's Day.