Sunday, June 28, 2009

Ducktales - like you've never felt them before

I cannot believe I didn't have this idea years ago.

Okay, this is the Ducktales theme song (from the '80s theme song)

Listen to the song once (just over a minute). These are the lyrics:

Life is like a hurricane
Here in Duckburg
Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes
It's a duck-blur
Might solve a mystery
Or rewrite history

DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Every day they're out there making
DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
Tales of daring do bad and good
LuckTales (oooh ooooh)

When it seems they're heading for the
Final curtain
Cool deduction never fails
That's for certain
The worst of messes
Become successes


D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some DuckTales


D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
There's a stranger out to find you
What to do? Just grab on to some ...

CHORUS (Twice)

Not pony tales or cotton tales, no
DuckTales (ooh ooooh)

Okay - If you already listened to it, then you're ready for the idea. (I really can't believe I just thought of it - everything lines up PERFECTLY!!!) Here it is. Listen to the song again, sing along, but this time, change every "D" in the word Duck to "F."

I'm not Ducking kidding.

Listen to the song with that in mind.


Every piece fits!

You'll find yourself humming it at work tomorrow. YOU WILL.

Supersonik Elektronik

Sometimes Music can move your soul in ways that you possess not the words to describe.

(not this time)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

F*My Life - Tiny Mustache Edition

You know, right? People send in their misadventures, horrible things that happen to them. It's excellent; can't recommend it enough.

But I'm not content to leave it there. I like to cull through the posts on, and pick my favorites. Then I add snarky comments of my own and share with you, who in turn can share snarky comments of your own on top of mine! (It's a Circle of Life thing.)

Warning: I was in a particularly bad mood when I wrote these, so don't read them if you have no sense of humor. (Or if you're on the rag.)

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML [Hyperion - Ladies, would this upset you? I totally feel your pain. Call me and we can talk about it.]

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML [Hyperion - the dude didn't realize it, but this was a blessing in disguise. Logs HATE to be snuck up upon.]

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML [Hyperion - This happened to me in 10th Grade. I don't want to talk about it.]

Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML [Hyperion - She should say yes, if only to see balls that big up close and personal.

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML [Hyperion - I suppose it would really come down to WHERE the TP got left behind.]

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML [Hyperion - I'm so doing this (you know, if I ever manage to break up with a girl before she breaks up with me)]

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML [Hyperion - I feel the same way about whores.]

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML [Hyperion - I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me, not that exact situation, but the phone dying AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME. Luckily I'm known as someone who never hangs up on people, but still; it's damned awkward.]

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML [Hyperion - From now on, all booty calls to exes should be known as " trashcan icecream]

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML [Hyperion - Doesn't the governor have better things to do than post on]

Today, I received the final piece of puzzle that my boyfriend of two years has been sending me through the mail for the last week. Turns out, it wasn't a love letter like I originally thought it was. He was breaking up with me via a puzzle through the mail. FML [Hyperion - I'd prefer a crossword puzzle, but this is classy, too. You gotta respect that kind of style.]

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML [Hyperion - On the plust side, he can now brag to his friends about all the pussy he eats.]

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML [Hyperion - This is me not feeling sorry for him.]

Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things i wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML [Hyperion - Admit it; your first thought involved Pat Sajackoff]

Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML [Hyperion - Note to Dan: Dude, you already know the chick has sex outside of marriage! What'd you expect, dawg?]

Today, my fiance of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML [Hyperion - Seems like a good way to comfort him in his "upset" time would be some sex. Maybe he'd come around. Or at least come.]

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML [Hyperion - Nobody likes an optimist.]

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML. [Hyperion - Well, that's almost too excellent for words, right there. For years, it's been a running inside joke when someone makes a bad justification argument to say, "Well, Hitler loved Children." Now, however, I think it's going to have to be replaced. As counters to bad justification arguments, or hell, just for fun on a Saturday night, the new thing to say is, "Well, in his defense, Hitler was great at oral." I bet it was that tiny mustache!]

Thursday, June 18, 2009

P.O.D. - Vallotton

I got a print of this for Kaida to put up on her wall, but it's so pretty I thought I would post it here, too.

[At the risk of ruining the moment, who wants to pet the pussy?]

The Tao of Andy Capp - Competitive Rates

I love Andy Capp more and more with each passing day.


You know when it's time to go on a diet.....

Greatest NBA Commercial Ever?

Meant to post this the day after the Finals. With those fantastic Black/White "Where Amazing Commercials" the NBA ran this spring, it's good to remember the greatness of long ago. (My favorite part is the lady jumping up and down while sitting in her seat, and of course ending with Jack.)

And for what it's worth, I thought Bill Simmons had an interesting (if somewhat contradictory) take on the place of Kobe and Phil Jackson in the pantheon.

All out of HIssy

Remind you of anyone you know?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Comfort Wipe - Now you're shittin' in style!

As you're watching this commercial, I'd like you to focus on four "my life is incomplete without knowing!" questions. They are:

1) What "advantages" is the big guy talking about?

2) Why does the older woman pick up an accent as she's talking?

3) Although the commercial seems to strongly indicate that people dispose of toilet paper while standing, let's assume for the sake of argument that the Comfort Stick is going to have a lot in common with its second cousin the Shoehorn. Therefore, would you be any more comfortable using someone esle's Comfort Stick as you would be their tooth brush, deodorant, douche or suppository?

4) FINALLY: Whether you could use this product or not, would you sign a petition promising--under penalty of perjury--to buy it if they changed the name from COMFORT WIPE to POO STICK?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Pickles - Gardening w/out hurting the Environment

It's about the only thing that might get ME weeding!

She ain't heavy, she's my _______

Got in a discussion w/ a friend the other day about whether someone with this body type is "heavy." I'll readily admit she's not petite, but heavy? You must be kidding me. Since when did curves make someone heavy?

True of False: if everyone in FASHION was put to the sword and we started over...would Women be better or Worse off?

[And so I don't have a suspicious mob, I found the picture on the Internet to illustrate the body type I was talking about. I even hotlinked the girl just to prove it. (Does "hotlinked the girl" sound dirty? No? Just me, then.)]

McDLT Commercial - with Jason Alexander

I always thought the McDLT sounded so sophisticated. Not sure I ever had one, though.

Question: even back in '87 or so...was Jason Alexander wearing a rug?

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Rhino Thong

Even though she's taking a break from Monkey Barn (while working on her thesis), Lady Jane Scarlett had to take a break when the sun finally came out in Michigan. As she explained it, "It's so rare we get nice can you not take advantage of it?"

I got excited when LJS told me she only wore a thong, so I asked her to take a pic and send it, which she was lovely enough to do.

Thanks, Lady Jane!

Friday, June 05, 2009

Girls and Sports - The Bailout

There are a lot of ways to go, here. I could continue the Economy joke, I could make a Lorena Bobbit reference, or even muse on the time-honored tradition of post breakup bootycalls. But I'll let you fill in the blanks.

(By the way, if you're a guy, you need to get Girls and Sports" emailed to you every morning. It's a fantastic comic strip from a guy's point of view. And ladies, you'll enjoy because it offers insight into the modern male mind, such as it is.)

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

National Anthems through the eyes of Bucky Katt

A few recent Get Fuzzy strips, on National Anthems. [CLICK FOR FULL SIZE]

Bucky's last line is Words2LiveBy!

I'm pretty sure he's taking a shot at Canada here.

Yeah, Peru. What ARE you looking at?

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Andy Capp - Women!

F* My Life - Non-PC version

As has become as time-honored as the spits returning to Capistrano, we have more FML', with my reaction to them.

WARNING: My comments, while hilarious, are less sensitive as they are "really really mean." You've been warned.

Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML [Hyperion - Some people just don't appreciate a good education.]

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML [Hyperion - Okay. Most of you ladies are not in relationships with me, which means you're unsatisfied, which means you likely have dildos. That being the case, I DEMAND that you start calling them your "Sword of Death."]

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML [Hyperion - Ahh, MILF's. I never get tired of you and your would-be slutty ways. Remember kids, the one thing you know about a single mother: she puts out.]

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML [Hyperion - I had the same thing happen, but the other way around.]

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just amateur hour. It'd be one thing if he was masturbating, but....]

Today, I went to the gynecologist for my annual. He took a seat in his stool, looked at my vaginal area, and said, "Oh yeah, that's angry." FML [Hyperion "Angry Vagina" would make a great name for something. Maybe a van, but more likely a poetry bar.]

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking: "What can I get for you cuntie?" FML [Hyperion - I'm so calling "something" Cuntie for a pet name. Maybe not a little girl, but there are a few big girls out there who might fit the nickname juuuuust right.]

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As i put my hand in his boxers he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML. [Hyperion - It's times like that you find out if your "I've looked everywhere for my contact!" story will really fly (no pun intended).]

Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he proceeded to say, "Heaviest in back." FML [Hyperion - Try to work "Heaviest in back" into a conversation today. The person you're talking to won't know what you mean; it will be your own private joke.]

Today, me and my girlfriend were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint? She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12 inch Ham Sub. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just classless. A Breakup Sub should be Meatball or higher. Personally I recommend the Steak and Cheese. Timeless.]

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML [Hyperion - As my friend Wayne would say, "Get the net." Sadly, she won't have broken up with him over this. She'll still bend over backwards (literally) to please him. Why oh why would people continue to treat her so badly? It's a mystery.]

Today is the five year anniversery of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML [Hyperion - That dude is such an idiot. Get a clue, man! It's hard for her to talk with her mouth full.]