Tuesday, June 02, 2009

F* My Life - Non-PC version

As has become as time-honored as the spits returning to Capistrano, we have more FML', with my reaction to them.

WARNING: My comments, while hilarious, are less sensitive as they are "really really mean." You've been warned.

Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML [Hyperion - Some people just don't appreciate a good education.]

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML [Hyperion - Okay. Most of you ladies are not in relationships with me, which means you're unsatisfied, which means you likely have dildos. That being the case, I DEMAND that you start calling them your "Sword of Death."]

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML [Hyperion - Ahh, MILF's. I never get tired of you and your would-be slutty ways. Remember kids, the one thing you know about a single mother: she puts out.]

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML [Hyperion - I had the same thing happen, but the other way around.]

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just amateur hour. It'd be one thing if he was masturbating, but....]

Today, I went to the gynecologist for my annual. He took a seat in his stool, looked at my vaginal area, and said, "Oh yeah, that's angry." FML [Hyperion "Angry Vagina" would make a great name for something. Maybe a van, but more likely a poetry bar.]

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking: "What can I get for you cuntie?" FML [Hyperion - I'm so calling "something" Cuntie for a pet name. Maybe not a little girl, but there are a few big girls out there who might fit the nickname juuuuust right.]

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As i put my hand in his boxers he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML. [Hyperion - It's times like that you find out if your "I've looked everywhere for my contact!" story will really fly (no pun intended).]

Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he proceeded to say, "Heaviest in back." FML [Hyperion - Try to work "Heaviest in back" into a conversation today. The person you're talking to won't know what you mean; it will be your own private joke.]

Today, me and my girlfriend were buying Subway. When it came to ring up the order the lady asked us together or separate? My girlfriend looked and said separate. Half-jokingly, I asked if it was some sort of hint? She looked at me and said yes. I got broken up over a 12 inch Ham Sub. FML [Hyperion - See, that's just classless. A Breakup Sub should be Meatball or higher. Personally I recommend the Steak and Cheese. Timeless.]

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML [Hyperion - As my friend Wayne would say, "Get the net." Sadly, she won't have broken up with him over this. She'll still bend over backwards (literally) to please him. Why oh why would people continue to treat her so badly? It's a mystery.]

Today is the five year anniversery of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML [Hyperion - That dude is such an idiot. Get a clue, man! It's hard for her to talk with her mouth full.]

No comments: