Wednesday, June 24, 2009

F*My Life - Tiny Mustache Edition

You know FMyLife.com, right? People send in their misadventures, horrible things that happen to them. It's excellent; can't recommend it enough.

But I'm not content to leave it there. I like to cull through the posts on FMyLife.com, and pick my favorites. Then I add snarky comments of my own and share with you, who in turn can share snarky comments of your own on top of mine! (It's a Circle of Life thing.)


Warning: I was in a particularly bad mood when I wrote these, so don't read them if you have no sense of humor. (Or if you're on the rag.)



Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML [Hyperion - Ladies, would this upset you? I totally feel your pain. Call me and we can talk about it.]



Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML [Hyperion - the dude didn't realize it, but this was a blessing in disguise. Logs HATE to be snuck up upon.]


Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML [Hyperion - This happened to me in 10th Grade. I don't want to talk about it.]


Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML [Hyperion - She should say yes, if only to see balls that big up close and personal.



Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML [Hyperion - I suppose it would really come down to WHERE the TP got left behind.]



Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML [Hyperion - I'm so doing this (you know, if I ever manage to break up with a girl before she breaks up with me)]



Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML [Hyperion - I feel the same way about whores.]



Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML [Hyperion - I cannot tell you how many times this has happened to me, not that exact situation, but the phone dying AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME. Luckily I'm known as someone who never hangs up on people, but still; it's damned awkward.]



Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML [Hyperion - From now on, all booty calls to exes should be known as " trashcan icecream]



Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML [Hyperion - Doesn't the governor have better things to do than post on FML.com?]



Today, I received the final piece of puzzle that my boyfriend of two years has been sending me through the mail for the last week. Turns out, it wasn't a love letter like I originally thought it was. He was breaking up with me via a puzzle through the mail. FML [Hyperion - I'd prefer a crossword puzzle, but this is classy, too. You gotta respect that kind of style.]



Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML [Hyperion - On the plust side, he can now brag to his friends about all the pussy he eats.]



Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML [Hyperion - This is me not feeling sorry for him.]




Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things i wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML [Hyperion - Admit it; your first thought involved Pat Sajackoff]



Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML [Hyperion - Note to Dan: Dude, you already know the chick has sex outside of marriage! What'd you expect, dawg?]



Today, my fiance of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML [Hyperion - Seems like a good way to comfort him in his "upset" time would be some sex. Maybe he'd come around. Or at least come.]



Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML [Hyperion - Nobody likes an optimist.]



Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML. [Hyperion - Well, that's almost too excellent for words, right there. For years, it's been a running inside joke when someone makes a bad justification argument to say, "Well, Hitler loved Children." Now, however, I think it's going to have to be replaced. As counters to bad justification arguments, or hell, just for fun on a Saturday night, the new thing to say is, "Well, in his defense, Hitler was great at oral." I bet it was that tiny mustache!]

1 comment:

Saralyn said...

Pat Sajackoff!