Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Harry Potter and the Haunted Monkey Barn - the complete Story

For the arrival of the 7th and final Harry Potter book (not to mention the 5th movie), we thought we'd try our hand at another round-robin campfire story. How successful were we? I'll let you be the judge.


Chapter 1 (Hyperion)

Chapter 2 (Dragon)

Chapter 3 (Biff Spiffy)

Chapter 4 (Schrodinger's Kitten)

Chapter 5 (Lady Jane Scarlett)

Chapter 6 (Dominique)

Chapter 7 (Tobias the River Midget)


You have my absolute word that this is NEVER EVER EVER EVER going to get old. Spider-Pig set to opera is perhaps the greatest idea since the BLKF Theory.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Indian Thriller

Ok Monkey Barn - I'm tagging y'all....

....except for Hyperion. I know how much he hates these things.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, but my parents had briefly considered naming me after my father. Glad they didn't go through it because I'm not sure I could handle being called Fernanda.


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? When I'm not in a hurry I like my handwriting. When I am in a hurry I can barely read it.


5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No, but I'd like some.


7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Is the Pope catholic?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope, those painful suckers are gone.


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Post's Cranberry Almond Crunch Cereal





15. RED OR PINK? Red, of course.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I sometimes get stubborn and shut down.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My uncle who died of throat cancer.


19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? No pants, black sandals.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A juicy yummy peach.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My co-worker on the phone.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Dark green. You can't draw grass without it.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Coffee brewing, wood burning, apple cinnamon anything, rain, top of babies' heads and fresh cut peony flowers.




27. HAIR COLOR? Warm brown.

28. EYE COLOR? Brown.


30. FAVORITE FOOD? Butternut Squash and Roasted Red Pepper soup and seafood.


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Hairspray. Loved it!

33. FAVORITE FLOWER? Peony (white with a soft pink center).

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter because I love curling up next to a warm fireplace.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both, please

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? My chocolate mousse.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Lady Jane Scarlett.


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Nothing currently. Last book I recently finished was Jane Erye.


41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Simpsons and Family Guy

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Thunder storms

43. FAVORITE CANDY BAR? Rheo Thompson's Mint Smoothie bars. These are heaven on earth.


45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes, but I only share it with certain people.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Canada. And not, it was not in an igloo.



Haunted Monkey Barn - The Last Chapter

So I couldn't help notice that the Haunted Monkey Barn story sort of stalled last week. What you non-monkeys don't know is that Hyperion sent out a sniveling email last Friday complaining about how much he was hurting and begging for someone to finish it. (Like we don't have anything better to do.) Trust me: I used to live with this guy: he never stops complaining about the littlest thing. Like walking is that big a deal. (Or standing up right. What a whiner!)

Anyway, since none of the Barn bailed him out clearly it was up to me. First off I had to read the previous chapters, which were awesome!

In Chapter 1 Hyperion introduced us to the Haunted Monkey Barn, where the students of Hogwarts were going to be spending their Spring Break. Donald Duck showed up (for realz!), Pansy wasn't a pansy, and Minerva and Draco sitting in a tree, F-E-T-I-S-H-I-Z-I-N-G!

In Chapter 2 birds of a "feather" flocked together (though some of them couldn't talk right), and Pansy and Minerva were wrapped up like douches. (Re-read the chapter; my joke will slay you.)

In Chapter 3, we were treated to the immortal flatulence of a thousand trolls (and a very sick hippo), Draco discovered an extra set from The Princess Bride and Hermione admired dead boobs and then tried out for apart in The Wiz.

In Chapter 4, we learned of Voldemonkey, who clearly had been hanging around with hard-core gamers, Draco went from prankster to spankster, and a plan was hatched.

In Chapter 5 we learned that Snape was definitely evil (unless he wants; these things often cut both ways), and that Hermione and Luna liked to fight over Lollypops.

And in Chapter 6 we learned that Harry wouldn't know an orgy if it bit him like a lollypop, and Hagrid had a brother.

Now, let's finish this shit.


Chapter 7 – All's Well that Ends

(by Tobias the River Midget, Hogwarts Class of '05; "We'll Hufflepuff your house down!")

Everyone looked at Hagrid and Hyperion, who began kissing in a slobbery fashion. "Gross!" said Ron, feelingly. "I had no idea you were a poofter, Hagrid."

"'At's untrue, 'on!" Hagrid said, continuing his assault on first letters of words (or his ongoing quest to bring Cockney to Wizarding; no one was sure which). "Hyperion and I have one rule…."

Together they both recited, "Never in the butt!"

Hyperion added helpfully, "We may be semi-incestuous giants with a love for all things Judy Garland, but we're not freaks!"

"'eah!" Hagrid added fervently." "'hat 'oo 'ake us 'or, 'yan 'dams?"

Hyperion translated: "What'd you take us for, Ryan Adams?"

Just then Snape showed up, with that villainous look that only he (and possibly Alan Rickman) could pull off.

"If you want to survive Lord Voldemonkey, I suggest you do exactly as I say."

"I thought you were bad!" Hermione squeaked.

Snape raised one eyebrow comically and intoned, "That's the thing about me; everything I say is open to multiple interpretations."

Everyone looked around, not sure what to do, until Luna pointed out helpfully, "At least he's not Ryan Adams." With that sobering thought, they all decided to trust Snape; for now. Worst case scenario, they could always go back in time and re-cast his part with Dustin Diamond.

Snape explained how they were to defeat the foul-smelling Lord. "To attempt to smell him directly is too dangerous. We must fight fire with fire. Therefore, I have made up a potion which will allow you to strike back. The potion contains the following ingredients: 10 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, ten pounds of huevos rancheros, 10 pounds of Oreos, ten pounds of baked beans cooked in Jack Daniels' sauce, ten pounds of cauliflower soaked in cheese whiz, ten pounds of 'extra hot' hot wings, ten pounds of curried lamb and ten pounds of boiled cabbage."

Most of the group started getting sick just thinking about what the potion was going to taste like, let alone produce. Hagrid and Hyperion looked at each other, the same thought passing through each of their minds: Thank God we're not like Ryan Adams.

Persnicketedly Hermione pointed out, "This won't work for the girls because everyone knows that girls don't pass gas."

Snape raised that eyebrow again. "I assure you, Miss Granger, that the stinking foul mess that emanates from girls' backsides is no worse than what comes out from their fronts."

Everyone—even Draco—looked utterly aghast that Snape would make such a remark. Professor MacGonagall rose up to make a withering reply, then remembered she'd died several chapters ago and faded away. Finally Snape clarified, in that inimitable Snape-like way: "I was talking, of course, about the meaningless and in this case time-consuming and possibly life-dooming prattle that you ladies feel the need to spew out of your mouths nonstop."

The girls walked out red-faced and Hagrid asked Harry what Snape had said. When Harry repeated it Hagrid said, "'o, 'not the 'unny 'uice, then?"


After that it was all over but the final battle. I'd tell you more about it, but that would defeat the purpose of not telling you. Know only that everyone who was supposed to die died, everyone who was supposed to live lived, everyone who was supposed to get beaten got beaten, and it all came out well in the end.

If you know what I mean….

Here's another way of looking at it (30 second alternative version, with alcohol!)

How to be a Perfect Girlfiend

Take notes, bitches:

Tobias out

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Colour of my soul

What color is your soul painted?


Your soul is painted the color blue, which embodies the characteristics of peace, patience, understanding, health, tranquility, protection, spiritual awareness, unity, harmony, calmness, coolness, confidence, dependability, loyalty, idealism, tackiness, and wisdom. Blue is the color of the element Water, and is symbolic of the ocean, sleep, twilight, and the sky.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Dream On

Have you too had a dream where Ryan Adams was wearing a white tank-top, a pair of jeans and professing his undying love to you in an extemporaneous ballad atop the Brooklyn Bridge?
In my dream, he had good teeth and nice hair. And he smelled like lemon and a bit of coffee and freshly cut grass after a nice warm afternoon rain. I was...looking fab...which is amazing considering how much I've been hatin' my hair.

'Cause if you've also had this dream, then there's gotta be something in the water and I want to stock up.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Where does your bottled water come from?

Aquafina labels will carry a disclaimer that the water comes from public sources, not springs.


Sexy Marge

It's your chance to vote. Which Marge is the sexiest?

Option 1

Option 2
Option 3
Option 4
Option 5 Option 6

Simpsons Intros

Here are some of the notable Simpsons Intros:

the "Real Life" intro (kind of creeps me out)

The "Evolution" Intro

Every single Couch Gag, Seasons 7-15

Every single Couch Gag, Seasons 16-17 (My favorite has to be when the Couches Attack)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

If you're cold, I'll keep you warm

Thought I'd share this interesting story from The New England Journal of Medicine (Volume 357:328-329)
:) LJS

Oscar the Cat awakens from his nap, opening a single eye to survey his kingdom. From atop the desk in the doctor's charting area, the cat peers down the two wings of the nursing home's advanced dementia unit. All quiet on the western and eastern fronts. Slowly, he rises and extravagantly stretches his 2-year-old frame, first backward and then forward. He sits up and considers his next move.

In the distance, a resident approaches. It is Mrs. P., who has been living on the dementia unit's third floor for 3 years now. She has long forgotten her family, even though they visit her almost daily. Moderately disheveled after eating her lunch, half of which she now wears on her shirt, Mrs. P. is taking one of her many aimless strolls to nowhere. She glides toward Oscar, pushing her walker and muttering to herself with complete disregard for her surroundings. Perturbed, Oscar watches her carefully and, as she walks by, lets out a gentle hiss, a rattlesnake-like warning that says "leave me alone." She passes him without a glance and continues down the hallway. Oscar is relieved. It is not yet Mrs. P.'s time, and he wants nothing to do with her.

Oscar jumps down off the desk, relieved to be once more alone and in control of his domain. He takes a few moments to drink from his water bowl and grab a quick bite. Satisfied, he enjoys another stretch and sets out on his rounds. Oscar decides to head down the west wing first, along the way sidestepping Mr. S., who is slumped over on a couch in the hallway. With lips slightly pursed, he snores peacefully — perhaps blissfully unaware of where he is now living. Oscar continues down the hallway until he reaches its end and Room 310. The door is closed, so Oscar sits and waits. He has important business here.

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Twenty-five minutes later, the door finally opens, and out walks a nurse's aide carrying dirty linens. "Hello, Oscar," she says. "Are you going inside?" Oscar lets her pass, then makes his way into the room, where there are two people. Lying in a corner bed and facing the wall, Mrs. T. is asleep in a fetal position. Her body is thin and wasted from the breast cancer that has been eating away at her organs. She is mildly jaundiced and has not spoken in several days. Sitting next to her is her daughter, who glances up from her novel to warmly greet the visitor. "Hello, Oscar. How are you today?"

Oscar takes no notice of the woman and leaps up onto the bed. He surveys Mrs. T. She is clearly in the terminal phase of illness, and her breathing is labored. Oscar's examination is interrupted by a nurse, who walks in to ask the daughter whether Mrs. T. is uncomfortable and needs more morphine. The daughter shakes her head, and the nurse retreats. Oscar returns to his work. He sniffs the air, gives Mrs. T. one final look, then jumps off the bed and quickly leaves the room. Not today.

Making his way back up the hallway, Oscar arrives at Room 313. The door is open, and he proceeds inside. Mrs. K. is resting peacefully in her bed, her breathing steady but shallow. She is surrounded by photographs of her grandchildren and one from her wedding day. Despite these keepsakes, she is alone. Oscar jumps onto her bed and again sniffs the air. He pauses to consider the situation, and then turns around twice before curling up beside Mrs. K.

One hour passes. Oscar waits. A nurse walks into the room to check on her patient. She pauses to note Oscar's presence. Concerned, she hurriedly leaves the room and returns to her desk. She grabs Mrs. K.'s chart off the medical-records rack and begins to make phone calls.

Within a half hour the family starts to arrive. Chairs are brought into the room, where the relatives begin their vigil. The priest is called to deliver last rites. And still, Oscar has not budged, instead purring and gently nuzzling Mrs. K. A young grandson asks his mother, "What is the cat doing here?" The mother, fighting back tears, tells him, "He is here to help Grandma get to heaven." Thirty minutes later, Mrs. K. takes her last earthly breath. With this, Oscar sits up, looks around, then departs the room so quietly that the grieving family barely notices.

On his way back to the charting area, Oscar passes a plaque mounted on the wall. On it is engraved a commendation from a local hospice agency: "For his compassionate hospice care, this plaque is awarded to Oscar the Cat." Oscar takes a quick drink of water and returns to his desk to curl up for a long rest. His day's work is done. There will be no more deaths today, not in Room 310 or in any other room for that matter. After all, no one dies on the third floor unless Oscar pays a visit and stays awhile.

Note: Since he was adopted by staff members as a kitten, Oscar the Cat has had an uncanny ability to predict when residents are about to die. Thus far, he has presided over the deaths of more than 25 residents on the third floor of Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island. His mere presence at the bedside is viewed by physicians and nursing home staff as an almost absolute indicator of impending death, allowing staff members to adequately notify families. Oscar has also provided companionship to those who would otherwise have died alone. For his work, he is highly regarded by the physicians and staff at Steere House and by the families of the residents whom he serves.

Review of "Damages"

One thing you have to credit FOX: they know how to promote their shows. Quality may be tough to come by some times, but the previews are exciting, and you know when it starts. Double that for cable-brother FX. If you watched the network at all this year, you would not be able to avoid their three new shows: Dirt, The Riches and Damages. Dirt was uneven to bad. The Riches was a neat little dark gem. That leaves Damages, which debuted last night.

Kaida and I were talking about the buzz around Damages, which stars Glen Close. Kaida opined: "That woman could go to the bathroom and people would applaud." (I threatened to tell people she wanted to watch Glen Close pee, but then relented.)

The point is, everyone knows with Glen Close you're getting ball-busting awesomeness. I'm not sure she can play any other type. (I'm not sure I'd want her to.) Close is powerful New York litigator Patty Hewes, a character that embodies every cliché of a high-priced lawyer you've ever seen, but somehow makes it her own. That's really the beauty of Close, taking a character you'd think would be fairly straightforward and yet somehow making her fresh.

The main character in Damages, though, is Rose Byrne. I have been high on this girl since TROY. I even liked her in WICKER PARK. Physically she's gorgeous, like a muted Jessica Alba. However, Alba can't act like Byrne. This girl can bring it. What I like about her the most is that the big emotion is played with her eyes. She doesn't have to do much for you to watch her, wondering what she's thinking. Byrne's character (hotshot lawyer Ellen Parsons) is the same way.

Okay, so what the heck is going on with this show and why should you watch it? Well, I'm refusing to tell you anything. This is because, like other FX alumni that came before it, Damages is 100 gallons of awesome in a 50-gallon drum. The opening seconds are done differently than I'd expect. The opening scene is quite a bit different too, as far as resolution by the end goes. It's one of those "start at the end go back to the beginning" openings, except they never get back to the end. In fact, I'd wager it will take the entire season to get back to that very first scene. How cool is that?

Damages also features some stellar supporting work. Ted Danson seems to be loving life as a Ken Lay-esque tycoon who sold his employees up the river while he got rich. Tate Donovan does his thing, as does Hall of Fame "that guy" Zeljko Ivanek. (You know; people you could NEVER name but every time they show up you're like, "Oh, THAT guy! I love him!")

Damages impressed the heck out of me, enough that I am totally excited for next week, and I forgave them the one lame plot contrivance added for drama. (When you're watching, ask yourself this: would detectives in a home that might have a murderer leave one room un-checked before they started their investigation?)

It's a quibble. If you get the chance, check out the encores and jump in to what may be the best show of the summer. (Wednesday at 11:00 pm, Thursday at 7:00 pm, Saturday at 12:15 am and 4:00 pm, Sunday at 10:00 pm, Monday at 11:00 pm.)

Simpsons - Manga Style

Review of "Saving Grace"

The paper called Holly Hunter's character Grace a "promiscuous pill-popping alcoholic," (otherwise known as using, boozing and coozing), which made me curious. Holly Hunter is fantastic in anything, and the possibility that she might get naked (well, TNT naked) was an appeal.

But the previews were playing up the "salvation" angle, which made me worry we'd be looking at "Touched by a Holly Hunter." And while normally that'd be great, well, you know what I mean.

Saving Grace doesn't tread on a whole lot of new ground. Hunter plays Oklahoma City detective Grace Hanadarko, who is all the things mentioned above and then some. (She is naked for the first six minutes or so, but you'd probably have to watch in slo-mo to see more than side boobage. Still....) Grace's unrefined ways lead her to a drunken car accident where she kills someone. (I realize it seems like I'm giving a lot away, but A; I want you to watch and B; I'm really not.)

About to lose her job and freedom, Grace calls out to God in desperation and low and behold: an angel shows up. His name is Earl. We already know he's an angel, because he's been watching her for a while, and we can see his wings reflect in car windows. (Sort of a reverse-vampire thing, if you think about it.)

Earl is played by the immortal Leon Rippy, and is one of those no-nonsense angels who would tell Grace she's full of shit (his words, not mine), and chew tobacco. Is this just the way Earl is, a slight to Oklahoma, or the only way someone like Grace would even consider listening? Who knows? (Who cares?)

Like I said, Saving Grace isn't going out of its way to play the auteur card, but there were some intriguing angles in what is likely to be a character-driven procedural (like House or The Closer). First, setting the show in OKC was a nice touch, especially as the Oklahoma City bombing hovers over everything. People might think "that happened 12 years ago; haven't they gotten over it?"

They haven't. Go through the memorial, and look around that downtown area. Without the money and attention of the World Trade Center, much of what was destroyed still lies in ruins. (Might that event have something to do with Grace's hard-living ways? Hmmmm….)

There are other twists that I won't reveal in case you watch. All in all, Saving Grace looks like it is worth a watch for those who like decent characters and are looking for a good way to end their Monday nights. There is an encore Thursday at 11:00 PM EDT, or you can watch the pilot anytime on streaming video at http://www.tnt.tv/.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Post Secret

So have you noticed I haven't put up a postsecret pick of the week. Ever wonder why?

If not then you're just like the rest of the population and frankly my dears you can't give a damn. If ever you did I'll tell you why. The reason being they began to all be the same secret posted almost the exact same way. It's not true this week. The site is full of new, wonderful secrets. Ready to once again make me cry. A 1000 point for the first person to tell me which one cut me really really deep sherk.

So go now and find out and if you want to know why the answer is because I said so!!!


OK, maybe ninja aren't so bad

:) LJS

Favorite Springfield Resident

Here is your trivia question of the day:

Who (or what) is your favorite Springfield resident? Give your reasons if you have any. (Click on the picture to see larger size if you need some help recollecting.)

Monday, July 23, 2007

Haunted Monkey Barn - Chapter 6

[Continued from Friday's Chapter 5, we have Dominique's entry into the campfire series. What completely totally radically kickassingly awesome character might make an appearance? Let's watch and find out!]


Chapter 6

Harry approached them trio hastily and making all sort of noise and said “Finally, there you are. Luna where did you…”

Hermione shhhed him and turn to the door behind them. As Hermione worked her magic to open the door with the usual “Alohamora!” the others gestured for Harry to keep silent. The door had already popped open and Hermione was stepping into the next room as Harry stood there dumb founded, he had that Ron’s zipper was down. That boy still hasn’t figured how to dress himself, thought Harry as he was grabbed by the shirt front and pulled through the door by Ron and Luna after Hermione.

They were in a kitchen with a roaring fire and a table with two figures sitting at it. They had been speaking in hushed tones but, stopped at the site of Hermione, Ron, Harry and Luna. The one stood up and walked over to the group.

“What are you four doing in here?” questioned Hagrid.

“Oh, Hagrid! Lord Voldemonkey has returned!” said Hermione, sounding a bit relieved to see the games’ keeper, it was as though she hadn’t noticed the other figure in the room. Harry wondered how that was possible since he took up almost as room as Hagrid.

“Hagrid, who is that?” Harry questioned back.

“Oh, that?” Hagrid glanced back to the table. “That’s no one. Just the keeper of this barn.”

“Keeper of the barn? Funny, he bares a striking resemblance to you. What do you all belong to some kind of club,” asked Ron chuckling.

Up stood a dashingly handsome tall figure with wide shoulders, he sauntered over, bowed his head and put forth his hand, “It is nice to finally meet you, Mr. Potter, Miss. Granger, and I’m sorry I don’t recognize you, Miss...?

“Looney…uh Luna,” said Hermione quickly correcting herself and blushing.

“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Hagrid’s distant cousin, and the keeper of keys and grounds of the MonkeyBarn, Hyperion. Hagrid has said much about you.”

Join us tomorrow for Chapter 7!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Dragon's Summer Mango Fire Salad with Grilled Shrimp

This salad is summer to me. It is a perfect blend of sweet, salty, sour and hot. I call this a fire salad, not just because it's a bit spicy, but because it looks like a fire in a bowl with the vibrant colours of the mango, peppers and onion. I've been working on this one all summer and I think I finally have it right. Enjoy!

If you don't like shrimp, you can substitute it with 2 chicken breasts. Just remember to marinate the chicken for at least an extra half-hour before you grill it. The salad is also great on its own; just save the extra dressing for another night.

Dragon's Summer Mango Fire Salad with Grilled Shrimp

Friday, July 20, 2007

Haunted Monkey Barn - Chapter 5

[Continued from Chapter 4, we have our next installment in the campfire story. Personally, I hope that someone gets eaten!]


Chapter 5
(Lady Jane Scarlett)

Snape appeared with Saibot, his pet squibb. Saibot was a wretched beast, his nose hair dangled below a pair of snarled lips and a lone brown tooth. A crooked twig took the place of a wand. Poor Saibot did not know better for he was born a squibb and his momma did not teach him common sense. Snape sneered and pulled back his greasy hair to reveal a scar similar to Harry's on the right side of his forehead. Snape giggled with glee and said "Now you shall know the velocity of our menace!". Snape revealed that his scar was caused by an errant release of Voldemonkey's most powerful weapon-the Beeno. Snape considered the scar a blessing, and when his scar began to tingle, Snape knew that his Lord was making others suffer.

"Finally the Odoriferous One has arrived. May you all revel in his glorious stench!" Snape cried and began to two-step with his squibb.

The shadow of Voldemonkey loomed above the haunted barn. At any moment, a smell that would draw out happiness would appear. Harry knew from experience that he would be helpless unless he acted quickly. Harry muttered "Snottify", and a thick protective coating shielded his head from the incoming air biscuit attacks.

Although Neville and Professor McGonagall were quick to follow Harry's lead, Professor Trelwaney forgot where her wand was. It was horrible to watch the green cloud of doom engulf first her hair, then tickle her nostrils. As Professor Trelwaney became immersed in the poisonous green cloud, she began to writhe and convulse. Soon she disappeared, never to be heard (or smelled) again.

Harry would hear no more of it. He said to Saibot "You are more than a pet, you are a secret keeper aren't you? What secret are you holding for Snape?"
Saibot hissed. That was all he could do, besides two-stepping and cooking up a mean batch of chili.

Just then, in the midst of his phlegm-covered head, Harry heard a quiet moan. He followed the moan to a seemingly solid door, but could not go any further. Harry thought "I need to find who is making that noise". Just then, a brick moved and revealed a doorway. Ron, Hermione and Luna were there. But what were they doing?

Ladies and Gentlemen: Ralph Wiggum

I wasn't going to start my non-stop Simpsons posting until next week, but what the hell:

The Best of Ralph Wiggum:

I now pronounce you Homophobic

Our good friend Cheryl (from Bread and Bread) has an interesting comparison between I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY and the 1980s comedy SOUL MAN.

I haven't seen CHUCK AND LARRY yet, so I can't judge, but if the previews are any indication, she may be right on.

Besides the insult of an Adam Sandler movie, CHUCK AND LARRY seems rife with homophobia. I'm certainly not P.C., but sometimes I wonder if it's not enough already.

I remember watching SOUL MAN back in the '80s and thinking it was funny, but this was due mainly to

1) I was too young to really understand what I was watching and

2) It was a Pg-13 movie, and I was only 11. You could have shown me TRIUMPH OF WILL and I would have felt awesome. (If you don't believe me: I was also thrilled to be allowed by the same babysitter that rented us SOUL MAN to watch JUST ONE OF THE GUYS, including a .5 second nude scene.)

The point it, I watched part of SOUL MAN a few years ago and was just appalled. How was this movie even made? (And what in the the sam-hell was James Earl Jones doing in it?)

The movie is supposedly about two New York Firefighters that pretend to be gay for health insurance reasons. According to Kaida, the gay firefighters of New York have endorsed the film.

First off, I am a big fan of Rescue Me, which I know tries its best to get the details correct. I have a hard time believing that there is that big a group of gay firefighters.

Second, Kaida claims the group is called FIREFLAG. I'm not even going to explain to you why I think that is unlikely.

Anyway, count me as someone not looking forward to the movie.

Unless Jessica Biel gets naked. Then all bets are off.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Which would you rather?

Aiiiight, so I've been reading Dinosaur comics in my spare time 'cuz Hypie got me hooked and shit.

This one is pretty good, and I thought I'd pose the question:

Would you rather kiss a music student or a psychology student, and what are your reasons?

tobias in the hizzy

Haunted Monkey Barn - Chapter 4

[Continued from Chapter 3, we move on in our campfire story. I'm so excited I could hump a goat!]


Chapter 4
(Schrodinger's Kitten)

"Who the bloody hell cares where Weasley is!" Draco sniveled, writing in the mud. "Somebody get me out of this!".

Nobody moved.

Because for at that very moment, a distant flare shot off into the sky. Purple and sparkly, it arched into the sky, bright in the murky grey ceiling above them. It then suddenly exploded into a picture, forming into a shape of...a monkey slinging poo.

Neville gasped. "It's...it's...."

Harry uttered the fatal words..."Voldemonkey".

Everyone turned to him in unison "He Who Must Not Be Smelled!" they screamed.

Harry apologized, and kicked the mud.

He looked at his compatriots that had surrounded him. His beloved Ron and Hermione were gone - Ron to who knows where, and Hermione off flying on a gigantic spotted monkey. Harry had a brief thought that Ron and Hermione seemed to disappear together an awful lot. They'd suddenly spout off an excuse of 'homework' or 'practice spells' and then would manage to slip away. He thought he heard the word 'anal sex' once as they scuttled off into the hallway. If he didn't know better, he'd think they were....nah, he laughed. Ridiculous.

With the symbol of Voldemonkey fading in the sky, the group re-assembled. Professor McGonagall herded Prefessor Trelwaney toward the students, everyone apprehensive.

"Students!" the Professor enunciated. "Let's not over-react. The symbol of 'He Who Shall Not Be Smelled' is not necessarily the sign of the evil itself. It may be only one of it's followers. We must stick together, and..."

Suddenly Professor Trelwaney convulsed, and her eyes rolled back into her head. She managed to stand, but the mouth hung slack, and a deep booming voice came from within...

"Lord Voldemonkey."

The crowd stirred in silence.

"Lord Voldemonkey. That funky monkey."

Harry cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

"We're offered Moet - we don't mind Chivas Wherever we go with bring the Voldemonkey with us..."

Trelwaney dwindled off. As everyone stood in silence.

"It means he's here!" Draco screamed like a girl. A real girl bitch-slapped him. He liked it. They began to make out.

Here? Harry thought. What would he do? His scar began to ache. He longed for Ron and Hermione more than ever. Maybe he could find them before it was too late?

Everyone turned to back to Professor McGonagall for guidance.

"We must take this prophecy as truth - 'He Who Shall Not be Smelled'...must be...must be...oh dear...he must be SMELLED!" She shuddered in fear at the thought.

The crowd screamed, but Harry sighed. 'Again?' he thought.

Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, a bright flash of light illuminated them all. When it faded, there stood Severus Snape. And a figure stood next to him. Harry squinted. It couldn't be! he thought...

It was...

Join us tomorrow for chapter 5!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Blend this

The question for today is...Will it Blend??

And the answers...are shocking! :) LJS

Black People Love Us!

I was doing research for my Michael Vick OP/ED and I accidentally came across a site called BLACK PEOPLE LOVE US

And I thought there would be nothing funnier than flatulent trolls. I was wrong.

This might be the funniest site I've seen in years.

I'm not kidding people.

The set up is this white couple, Sally and Johnny. Apparently black people love them, and they want people to know about that.

Probably the funniest part are the testimonials from various black friends. Here are a few examples:

Johnny calls me "da man!" That puts me at ease. It makes me feel comfortable, because I am Black and that's how Black folks talk to one another.

Johnny isn't afraid to show he has a black friend because whenever he sees me in the hall he asks me Waaaazzzuup.

-After saying a multisyllabic word such as "understand," Johnny will often follow it with a translation for my benefit like "Dig?" I am glad that he makes his big words accessible to me.

I like Johnny and Sally because they NEVER flaunt their wealth in front of me. In fact, they go to great lengths to keep their valuables as well as their wallets and purses as far away from me as possible. How cool is THAT???

The "Letters" is also a great section. You can't believe how many outraged people are out there who canot tell irony. Then again, maybe you would believe it.

Anyway, Black People Love Us! might be the website of the year. Make sure you check it out.

HPATHMB (chapter 3)

[Continued from Chapter 2, our ongoing campfire story, from the Biffster. Let's watch!@]


Chapter 3
(Biff Spiffy)

The silence of the screams began to spread like a puddle of blood. It was not just the absence of noise, but a kind of silence that had a presence all its own, the spectral opposite of a thunderbolt. It went right through intolerable, painful noise and out the other end. And, it was beginning to encroach on their little huddle under the invisibility cloak, making even their own clenched squeals and whispers fade into an aural abyss, sucking at their very breath.

Hermione managed, “You know, just because we’re invisible doesn’t mean we’re not here.” The light was becoming unbearable even with their backs turned toward it.

Ron instinctively bolted for the exit, throwing off the cloak. He got only three steps toward the door and tripped. A spectacular explosion tossed him against the desiccated walls of the barn, with a noise like the projectile flatulence of a thousand trolls. And a very sick hippo. He had stepped on a duck. The light shrunk into a point inside Pansy’s forehead, faded, and a look of serene relief came to her face. Then she exploded, showering the room with bits of Pansy cloak, Pansy blood, and Pansy ass. The trap door thudded shut as if pulled from below.

A normal sort of quiet returned to the room while the junior wizards crept out from beneath the cloak. It had shielded them from most of the mess, leaving them shaken but unhurt. The duck, Professor McGonagall, and Pansy were gone. Harry ran his hands through his hair repeatedly, trying to sort out the events. “What was that?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s helpful,” said Hermione. “Why don’t we all just sit around and ask each other?” Her bitterness was just beginning to swell at the realization that she wouldn’t get to wreak revenge on Pansy for all the sour looks, sly jabs, and (she hated to admit) the bigger rack that Pansy flaunted. She began stomping around, overturning rubble, recklessly looking for clues. Harry joined the search, keeping a watchful eye on the trap door.

“I think the duck was trying to work a spell, and Ron interrupted its concentration,” Harry guessed.

Malfoy snorted, began stammering, and quickly recovered his powers of self-righteous sputtering. “You’ve managed to do it again, you raggedy no-good half-wizards! Now we’re stuck here in a haunted barn with no professors and something deadly…”

“And you’ve wet yourself,” Neville interrupted. Dean burst out laughing, while Neville sheepishly shrugged and said, “Well, it’s true. And it smells like the time you shat yourself back in grade school.” Draco shook with rage, balled up his fists, and stormed past his tormentors. He flung open the nearest door and half jumped, half fell a few feet to soft, lumpy ground. Harry and Hermione leaned out the door to see Malfoy buried up to his armpits in grey, greasy mud. Their laugh was quickly stifled by the scene beyond.

It wasn’t quite outdoors, but it was too vast to be a proper room. The place was lit from everywhere, like the inside of a cloud on a sunny day, and just as bleak. Massive shapes moved in the hazy distance. As Harry took a step backward, pulling Hermione with him, an enormous hairy foot came slamming from above, driving Draco Malfoy into the next world with a soggy crunch. Hermione leaned out to see the whole of the beast, discovering that the foot belonged to a giant spotted monkey. It looked down at her with a smile she couldn’t define as either menacing or kind. She turned to the others and said, “I’m going to ride it.” With that, she scrambled up on its neck, kicked her heels, and it lumbered off into the mist with her hanging on tightly.

Her manic screams faded, and the room was mostly still again. Just then Harry noticed something amiss. Where was Ron?

Join us tomorrow for Chapter 4!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A dollar saved is a dollar earned

Haunted Monkey Barn - Chapter 2

[Continuing on from yesterday's opening chapter, we are pleased to bring you the next installment of our Harry Potter campfire story. This chapter was written by Dragon]


Chapter 2
(by Dragon)

....tickle torture. Draco was in his underwear, spread eagle and tied to a wooden table. Professor McGonagall was orchestrating three feather dusters from her seat in the corner of the room. The feather dusters tickled him under each arm and each foot. Draco was screaming and giggling at the same time. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face.

Ron and Harry actually felt sorry for Draco. "The poor bastard." Harry said. The others nodded silently.

"Serves him right. He should have followed the rules." Hermione opined.

“You can be really heartless, Hermione.” Pansy spat. Hermione glared back at Pansy but soon smiled to herself as thoughts of how she would get her revenge swirled in her head.

"Do shut up, Mr. Malfoy and take your punishment like a wizard!" Prof. McGonagall said. "Besides, you don't want to wake Lord Voldemonkey. If you wake him, he'll make this punishment seem like a day at the beach."

The curator walked in after the group and was annoyed at what he saw. He immediately recognized the feathers on those dusters

“W-w-w-hat are you d-d-d-doing! Th-th-those are my ne-ne-nephews!” he screamed at Professor McGonagall.

“Oh, very well. I think Mr. Malfoy has learned his lesson.”

With a flick of her wand, Draco was dressed and sitting upright on the table. Ron and Harry helped Draco off the table because the "poor bastard" was still giggling/crying and he couldn’t control his movements. The feathers returned to their original duck forms and the ducks were none too happy about their transformation. They began squawking their disapproval at their curator uncle and the professor.

“Quiet. He’ll hear you.” Professor McGonagall said trying to calm them. She looked genuinely worried. “You don’t want to upset him, trust me.” It was no use; the ducks would not stop squawking. Their squawks grew louder and louder.

The wooden table started to shake and soon all the furniture in the room shook. A bright light appeared from underneath a trap door on the floor near where Pansy stood.

“Oh d-d-d-d-d-dear! Oh m-m-m-m-my! “ said the curator. “This is n-n-n-n-not g-g-g-g-good.”

Curious, Pansy bent down and opened the trap door. The light shone brighter than any light they had ever seen. Pansy covered her eyes and screamed in pain. “I’m blind! I’m blind!” She tried to run away but the light had her trapped. Her screams were silent now and her skin seemed to be melting.

“Help her!” Harry screamed at Professor McGonagall, shaking her out of her shocked state. “Do something, she’s dying!”

Professor McGonagall tried to counter the attack by placing a protective shield around Pansy using her wand. The shield did not hold and now both the professor and Pansy were consumed by the light. Silent screams etched the pain on their faces.

The others looked on helplessly, not knowing what to do. Harry immediately covered those around him with his invisibility cloak. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville and Dean huddled close together and watched horrified as……

Join us tomorrow for Chapter 3!

Monday, July 16, 2007

the hampster got a tv deal

Haunted Monkey Barn - Chapter 1

[Friends, I am so pleased you could join us! We begin our next Monkey Barn Campfire story, this time involving a certain wizard I think you all know and love. No, not Mr. Wizard; Harry Potter! Each day a different one of us will write out chapter, with only three rules:

  1. No killing the main characters until the end
  2. No cheesy "it was all a dream" sequences.
  3. I can't actually type the third rule, but if you really must know, this quote from Cruel Intentions 2 gets the idea across

And that's it!

We hope this will be as fun for you to read as it is for us to write. Okay, let's get started!]

Harry Potter and the Haunted Monkey Barn.

Chapter 1

Harry Potter stepped off the Hogwarts express gingerly, stretching his legs with his House Gryffindor compatriots. Up and down the train, others were doing the same,

A Spring Break spent searching the moldy corners of the Haunted Monkey Barn might not be anyone's first choice, but when you consider the other two choices (Euro Disney and Paris Hilton's urinary tract), nobody was complaining.

Well, almost nobody.

"I don't see why we have to spend our time in some sodding barn!" Draco Malfoy said spiritedly. "My father booked an entire floor at the Mandalay in Vegas. Why couldn't we have gone there?"

Other students chimed in too, until Professor McGonagall swooped in, glaring at Draco. "Mr. Malfoy, that will be quite enough out of you!" Draco started protesting but professor McGonagall was having none of it, and dragged the yelping boy off.

"Of all the Minerve!" Pansy Parkinson said, preening as the others congratulated her on the fine pun. Fun was short-lived, however, as Professor Sprout and Professor Snape herded the students onto invisible John Deere tractors (visible only to those who had cut grass or stepped in cow pies) and on to the Haunted Monkey Barn.

According to their itinerary, the students were all supposed to meet in the Foyer. "How do we know we are in the foyer?" Ron asked.

Hermione pointed. "I think that's our clue."

Everyone just looked at her dumbly, and Hermione ground her teeth.

Once inside the Barn the students were met by a curator. The man was completely normal except for the fact that he wore no pants and spoke with a speech impediment.

And was a duck.

"If it were not for the speech impediment, the lack of trousers and the undeniable "fowl" appearance to him our guide would look quite normal indeed." Said Hermione Granger, grinning at her own pun. When no one offered praise as they had for Pansy Hermione grumbled under her breath, "Stupid Bitch. I wish her name was Pansy Chlamydia!" This gave Hermione an idea.

Meanwhile Ron and Harry were taking bets on what sort of punishment Professor McGonagall was giving out to Draco.

"I bet it's a spanking!" Dean Seamus said wiggling his eyebrows.

"Yeah, she could paddle him with that Quidditch broom he's so bloody proud of!" Lee Jordan chimed in.

Neville Longbottom had his own take: "I hope the professor takes that Malfoy by his Ж€£¥¥%¿µ and makes him ؤست£إ¶#&* her #^¢¤¤§® ¡جنص‡."

No one really had an answer for that.

The truth was soon to be revealed, as the students soon became tired of hearing the duck go on and on about "Whatever you do, beware the evil Lord Voldemonkey" and went off to explore. They came upon a door and heard cries from within. Wand at the ready, Harry pulled open the door and gaped with astonishment as he saw professor McGonagall and Draco Malfoy right dab in the middle of…..

Join us tomorrow for Chapter 2!

Muppet Show - LOTR style

What's up, Slutz?

Don't ask me why, but this clip just had me rolling. It's the Muppet Show theme set to LOTR clips. (I believe they are all from Fellowship, but not sure.) Gut-busting stuff. I showed it to this one girl and she laughed so hard she gave me head.

Now that's a clip!

Tobias the Lord of the River Midgets

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Harry Potter and the Crucifixion


I came upon this interesting article, by Jeff Diamant. He is a Faith & Religion writer for newspapers. He had never read nor seen Harry until three months ago, when an editor talked him into reading the series (so far) straight through in order to talk about the spiritual implications.

It's a very intersting article, although I don't agree with everything Diamant says. (He MASSIVELY misunderstands the role of Snape, in my opinion.) There is also a book six spoiler that is pretty huge, so if you haven't read that book and haven't heard about it stay away.

For Harry Potter fans, though, it's an interesting read, and renews my thought I should have my own Harry Potter philosophy column. The only question is before or after the seventh book.

Read The Gospel According to Rowling

Aitchy out

Friday, July 13, 2007

Dark Command

I'm just about to go to sleep after a long night of writing and I am flipping around and happen upon TCM, which is showing John Wayne's DARK COMMAND. It is one of Wayne's more famous films that I have never seen, and co-starring Gabby Hayes, Walter Pigeon and Roy Rogers, I figured I owed it at least a few minutes.

Well, John Wayne plays this character named Bob "Shortcut" Seton, from Texas. He likes this girl named Mary McCloud, who not surprisingly doesn't like him back. What made me come in here, fire the computer back up and post, though, was Seton's approach to liking a girl:

Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: You know that girl I was staring at when all the ruckus started?
Fletcher 'Fletch' McCloud: Yeah.
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: Well, who is she?
Fletcher 'Fletch' McCloud: Well, her name is Mary McCloud. Why?
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: Well, I'll tell you. I think maybe I'll marry her.
Fletcher 'Fletch' McCloud: What ?
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: Course if she'll have me, I mean. Fella wouldn't wanna marry anyone that didn't want him, naturally.
Fletcher 'Fletch' McCloud: Oh, naturally. Uh, you know her well?
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: Naw, just seen her once or twice. Once she was on a horse, and...
Fletcher 'Fletch' McCloud: ...next time she was with a jackass.
[referring to Cantrell / Walter Pidgeon]
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: He is, huh? Makes it easier, don't it?
Fletcher 'Fletch' McCloud: Practically a cinch. Say, you do things kinda sudden don't you?
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: No, not exactly. But you see I got 'er figured out this way. If you LIKE someone - and you don't tell 'em right off - well, maybe all that time you wasted, she liked you, too. So... well, all that time's wasted, ain't it?
Fletcher 'Fletch' McCloud: Well, it IS the way you put it.

Later, Bob actually talks to the girl herself:

Miss Mary McCloud: Now, will you please get to the point and tell me what you want?
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: I want to marry you.
Miss Mary McCloud: You what?
Bob 'Shortcut' Seton: Well, I ain't got no job right now, but I figure to get one. And outside of a snort of hooch now and then, I got no bad habits.
Miss Mary McCloud: I'd say asking a perfect stranger to marry you is a very bad habit!

As you can imagine, she is less than thrilled. Later Bob comes back to tell Mary that he meant to tell her he loved her, and then he grabs her and kisses Mary roughly and leaves. Mary grabs her shoulder as if it hurts, but does not seem that upset.

That John Wayne....

Important Nutrition Information

Daily T's - XIV

Interest in the Daily T's seems to have died down (or out), so this will be the last one for at least awhile. I thought I would end with a blast from the past:

I posted this picture like 17 months ago or something, and you would have thought I advocated hanging all puppies. An obvious joke (and I don't think too offensive a one) was turned into World War Three, with more than one person upset that somehow I was

A) Hating on Single Mothers (can they read?)

B) Saying all Single Mothers were Strippers (I could never be that Lucky)

C) All women were just animated Sex Objects for men to ogle (I wouldn't say they were all animated)

See what I mean? I had to write several follow up posts, take down the picture, etc. I never understood it then, and I still don't now. Why do people get so up in arms about jokes, while meanwhile serious matters like

  1. The Desecration of our Covered Bridges
  2. Not a Single Television Show about Puppets that come to life at night and fight crime as Ninja
  3. 2007 - Still no lightsabers!

go unresolved. Jeeesh!

Candy Queries

Several people (to protect both my sister and my girlfriend, I will not name names) and I have a running argument about how you say this candy. Since I don't want to prejudice anyone, I will not explain, but simply ask you, the Barn, how do you pronounce the name of this candy?

And While I'm on the subject of candy, I was watching the Food Network the other day, that Top Five show. I can't really warm to it, but they had an interesting episode on natural treats. Supposedly these Sun Drops are like M&Ms, but all natural. I would be willing to try them, but only if someone I know and trust says they are any good. Have any of you granola-set tried these Sun Drops (or regular, or almond), and if so, are they delish?)

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Daily T's - XIII

[NOTE: I originally set this post up Tuesday morning, intending to post it early Wednesday morning when I arrived back home from the Marathon Harry Potter event, which of course didn't happen to do various reasons (explained on the home page). Imagine my disappointment to come this morning to post it and realize that at 5:24 Thursday morning I have no need to change the post time and date (12:25 am Wednesday morning), because no one has posted since then. I promise you, loyal Barners, this will soon change.]

In honor of the big Harry Potter movie, I thought the Daily T's better be about him. However, I couldn't find a shirt I liked. I hope these garments work for you instead:

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Amy Winehouse

As you may know, I have a series over on Literary Hype where I examine the lyrics to pop music and what those lyrics may or may not mean. (You can go see past Music Lyrics columns here.)

However, on this song ("Rehab," by Amy Winehouse), I confess my powers are not up to analysis. Partly this is because I have never drank or done any drugs, and partly because I am not a woman.

However, many of you monkeys are woman, and almost all are alcoholics/drug users, so I ask you most sincerely: decipher this song for me and there's a shiny prize involved.

Here are the Lyrics (and if it doesn't work you can find them here):

Amy Winehouse - Rehab lyrics

Specifically I'm looking for the meaning of "70 days" and "ray" and "Mr. Hathaway." And here is the video:


Daily T's - XII

In honor of tonight's All Star Game, a baseball-flavored Daily T:

8th Harry Potter book?

Have you all heard the rumor of an 8th Harry Potter Book?

I'm wondering, would the anger of the switcheroo outweigh the joy?

We should also have a betting pool on whether Harry makes it through the 8th book, as well as whether or not any "Journey" songs will be heard over the final pages.

Seriously: you thought the secrets of the sixth book were hard to contain, it's going to be one of the worst-kept secrets WHATEVER happens at the end of seven. best advice for hard-core fans: get your book, unplug the TV, radio and internet and read it all in one sitting.

Now that I think about it, that's what I'm planning on doing.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Sunday, July 08, 2007

A woman gets on an elevator.....

An IT Engineer got on an elevator on the 10th floor (he was heading to the lobby). On the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in. (They were alone.) On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the IT guy and said:

"Can you make me feel like a true woman?"

The IT guy said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said:

"Now fold them".