Sunday, November 01, 2009

F*** My Life - Sex & Cookies Edition

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Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML [Hyperion - You say C-Section, I say frigid.]

Today, my brother's best friend spent the night and was changing with the door partially open. He's super hot and as I was watching him change, he sneezed. Forgetting he didn't know I was watching him, I said bless you. He called me a freak, slammed the door in my face and told my parents. FML [Hyperion - Just one more reason not to say "Bless You"]

Today, I was at the beach and I met a surfer with scars all over his back. Trying to make conversation, I asked "So how'd you get those cool scars? Coral?" To which he replied "Horrific childhood abuse, actually. But yeah, they're pretty cool." FML [H - If you had real balls your next move is to ask him if his mom is seeing anyone]

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML [Hyperion - I so have to tell Monk about this. He'll get a kick out of it.]

Today, my five-year-old came home from summer camp crying because her friends and counselors had all laughed at her when she couldn't identify colors correctly during a game. My husband then confessed that he had taught her colors wrong because he thought it would be funny. FML [Hyperion - I bet money most of you are horrified by the father, but (perhaps inadvertantly), it's actually fabulous parenting, and I'm not even kidding. If you look at the big picture, the kid got laughed at once. She's young, and can learn them correctly. What this teaches the child, though, is to question the "official" story. If this lesson can take root, that kid is way better off than the hurt caused by a bad afternoon.]

Today, after a fight with my sister, I took a shower. While rinsing out my "conditioner" I realized with horror what my sister had done for revenge. Her bottle of Nair was empty, my bottle of conditioner was full, and my hair was being washed down the drain. FML [H - This sounds like bullshit to me, but let us grant it as true: what would a girl have to do to you for you to do that in return?]

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML [Hyperion - Being unmarried (and therefore a virgin) I know nothing of these things. But I always thought women would like that!]

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML [Hyperion - Why have I never thought of this? I am so doing this from now on.]

Today, I had sex with my fiancee. My panties fell behind the bed. Later, when I went to get them, I found three other pairs. Only one pair was mine. FML [Hyperion - Here's the true tragedy: I gaurandamntee you, I mean, I bet my life on it, that she looked at the other pairs, and if they were larger sizes than her own...she felt a little bit better. Don't even front, ladies. You know you'd do the same.]

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML [H - What an amateur. He could have had her drive, breaking up with her at his curb after it was over. That way he could drink during the movie!]

Today, at work, as a camp counselor, I was discussing how stupid the idea of santa is to a co-worker, and how every parent should tell the truth to their kids. The intercom microphone was on. I single handily told a group of 100 six year olds that santa was not real. FML [H - The best way I can think of to ruin a hundred kids' lives without becoming a pedophile.]

Today, I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML [H - Hey, it could be worse. He could ask to join in, and you know the pressure to get along with your girlfriend's dad....]

Today, I called my boyfriend and when he answered, I said the dirtiest thing I could think of to him on the phone. After a long silence, I heard, "Lacey? Is that you?" I accidentally called my dad. FML [H - I never thought of this. Next time my sister drinks I am going to try to get her to do this. Hmmmm. On second thought, I can see it somehow going horribly wrong. By the way, Lacey was obviously the girl from the FML right above this one, yes?]

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled "she likes to eat beans." FML [H - That is pretty much instant anullment, right, ladies?]

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML [Hyperion - Am I crazy, or should one of those "all in the same house" reality shows introduce lizards and 2500 baby crickets as an element of drama?]

Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML [H - I have heard of Doggy Style, but that is just ridiculous. (Thank you; I will be here all the week!)]

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML [H - Sex & Cookies and she is still complaining - WHAT DO YOU BITCHES WANT???]


I wouldn't know, but dammit, I wish I did

I love me some Comics

Some of my favorite recent comics

For one of the first times ever, Garfield speaks for me

Honest is whatever a woman bloody tells you it is


Parents say they want their kids to get excited about learning, but they never mean it

Dream large, good sir. Dream those dreams!!!!!!