Monday, October 30, 2006

Post Secret Pick of the Week- Week 4

Happy Halloween



I Just got back from the post secrets website, and all I can say is WOW, They left me in awe. One of the best post I have ever seen. You ALL need to had over there and take a few minutes to look them over. I promise you won't be disappointed. I could not pick just one so I have brought you my top 3 picks and one for the season.

~lost (soon to be found) goddess

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Family Dinner

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked. "Nope." "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked."Nope.""Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed. "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me.""Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

The Smartest Man In The World

There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the president of the USA, and a little girl. There were only two parachutes. The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

The Celery Stalks At Midnight Part 5

...and then Joel woke up.

He woke up in his bed at home, covered by his familiar fuzzy blue blanket, his stuffed bear with the ratty fur that he hid when his friends came over tucked securely in the crook of his arm. Gentle hands touched his forehead, smoothed the hair from his face.

"Mom?" he said, tears in his throat. He had had the worst nightmare. He needed a glass of water. He needed to go to the bathroom but he was too scared to get up.

He heard a hissing noise, felt the gentle fingers clamp down and pinch flesh from his bones. He heard chewing, smacking lips, felt more hands grab for him.

He screamed, he struggled, he bled as they feasted.

He saw the phantom at the foot of the bed. It reached out for him.

"Help me!" Joel cried.

Joel was sitting at his desk at school, writing a silly story about killer vegetables. His teacher would think it was very creative, his mother would think it was a little disturbed and make a mental note to have a chat with Mrs. Stratford after school one day.

He stared out the window, letting his imagination linger on Halloween and the costume he wanted: A long white robe with a cowl. Red eyes, skeleton feet. He wanted to scare everyone in his class, in his neighborhood. He could see himself, peering out through bloody irises, craving the innocent soul of a child to take with him to Hell.

Joel was a rabbit, running through the field. He was being chased by his neighbor's dog. The dog caught him, the last thing he saw before it ripped out his throat was the moonlit sky.

Joel was beaten, stabbed, hurt, devoured, chased, over and over without end, but each nightmare is tinged with the faint stirrings of hope. It is unthinkably cruel.

Poor Joel. You looked away. And now he's gone, gone.

Joel's mother will wait for him to come home from school, but he will never show up. She will call the school, but he was absent today...wasn't he? His teacher will recall him sitting at his desk, but he left early for a doctor's appointment, right? You will see Joel's parents on TV one day, begging for his return. The town will be covered in blue-and-white ribbons and posters with his sweet little boy face.

But he's never coming home. Everyone knows that. The ribbons will eventually fade and tatter, the posters will melt after the first good rain of the season. Joel's parents will move on, have another baby, never tell him about his big brother who disappeared. They will hope that their house will not be stricken again, that surely the monster will have been satisfied with their sacrifice and move on.

But the phantom is always hungry, and he is never satisfied.

~~The End~~

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

Service announcement about daylight savings time

At 2 a.m. on October 29, groggy Americans will turn their clocks back one hour, marking the end of Daylight Saving Time (DST).

The federal law that established "daylight time" in this country does not require any area to observe daylight saving time. But if a state chooses to observe DST, it must follow the starting and ending dates set by the law. From 1986 to 2006 this has been the first Sunday in April to the last Sunday in October, but starting in 2007, it will be observed from the second Sunday in March to the first Sunday in November, adding about a month to daylight saving time. (See:
New Federal Law.)

Nighty Nightmare Part 5

Nighty Nightmare Part 5-The Initation

"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones" T. Capote

Is terror an unwelcome visitor standing at your bedroom door, or is it the preceding shadow? Seraph knew that something horrible and transformative was about to happen to her, and she was powerless to stop it. Seraph had never known terror before, and it was all held within the confines of her mind. Her screams, her anxiety were company to nobody else but Seraph. She perused her choices: spend eternity with that abhorrent creature and eventually turn into one of them, or melt in the sun. “Some choices are better left unmade”, she thought with a hint of sarcasm.

The details of the Initiation were unknown to Seraph, but her instincts were to travel East-toward the rising sun. She, somehow, knew that there would be another choice-just as horrible as the one now facing her-and that would be her Initiation.

In her hypersensitivity, she could feel the creature’s presence. It was a good reminder of all the elders’ tales that the Becoming can twist a good person into a hideous creature. If she were to be stuck here, what would she transform into? The answer scared her, but she also felt pangs of love, and loneliness, and desire. Seraph was used to dispensing justice, not receiving it. Surely, her victims rejoiced in watching her contemplate whether it is better to be damned forever for doing the wrong thing or die doing the right thing. She prayed for resolution.

She was drawn to the largest peak, and she could see a small mound on an outcropping. As she got closer, she could make out a streak of black, and two blue orbs. Her hunger grew, and she remembered that it must have been days since she last eaten.

It was a human, a lesser being that she had only heard about in the elders’ tales. Their small stature belied the ferocity in which they bred prahls and destroyed the ancient trees. “They look so dainty, it’s a wonder that no other creature has preyed upon them.” She was amazed at the swiftness of her breath, the ease of her movements, the singular drive to eat his flesh. The sentry’s rifle did not concern her much as the sliver of light in the horizon. This must be the Initation.

Without thinking, Seraph sank her teeth into his neck and welcomed the rush of warm blood into her mouth. Taking a breath, she found her voice and screamed as she could now feel her fingers elongate, her body strengthen, her teeth grow. She was one of them now, but she felt uneasy. Her warrior instincts returned, and she knew that she would quickly become the most powerful being because of her cunning and strength. But at what price?

The creature stepped forward and openly laughed at Seraph. “My revenge on you is complete, and you did exactly as I knew you would. Come with me quickly, before the sun rises, and we shall plan our reign over this world. We will be stronger than the prahls, smarter than the humans and infinite as the gods.” At those words, Seraph’s prayer was answered and she found the resolution she had sought. Knowing her skills, she said “My darling, we are but a fools’ pawn in this game. But I have you, my love.” Her words calmed him and he came to her willingly. But Seraph had other plans.

She longed for Nia, and a time when their hearts weren’t tainted by greed or bloodlust or revenge. A simpler time; one where there was just the two of them. She murmured to the creature, “Together at last, together forever, be not damned but find your salvation within.” And she began to cry softly as she embraced him. The fourteen words strengthened her resolve. Against his struggles, Seraph held the creature tightly as the first ray of sunshine pierced their heart and burned their flesh to cinders.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Nighty Nightmare Part 4

Nighty Nightmare Part 4-The Encounter

Instinctually, Seraph reached for her sword but could not find it. Everything around her was so familiar yet so unreal. Her senses were heightened and the movement by the outbuilding made her ears ring in pain and her nose cringe with the malodorous ether of pine. And, was that just a hint of celery? The Becoming was not as painful as she had feared, and she survived the mind challenge. But it was too soon for congratulatory pauses, for now Seraph was preoccupied with the lack of any weapons, and an imminent need for one.

He glided from the shadows. His face and ears were deformed and his rotted teeth were pointed. Arms akimbo, he finally spoke. But it sounded more of a hiss to Seraph’s ears. “My darling, what took you so long? I have been so patient, we have sssssso much to discuss. You have no need for your sword here.” The awful creature began to snicker. “Besides, it will not help you whatsoever here in this place.”

The gravity of this moment, and who that creature used to be, became fully known to Seraph. She tried to cry, but in this new place, her eyes seared in the saltiness and she quickly stopped.

“Am I trapped here, forever, with you?” Seraph asked, afraid of the answer. The creature could barely contain his perverse. “Oh yessssss, indeed you are, and that’s not the best part! You can’t speak any more until you pass the Initiation, because you’ve asked your question. I wondered if I should even tell you thissss, because it took me months to figure it out.” His eyes moistened, “But since I have been waiting so long for you and have been watching you, your deeds in Unreal City redeem you. But hurry, because you only have until sunrise if you don’t want to look like me forever.” He snickered “Or melt in the burn of the sun”

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Celery Stalks at Midnight Part 4

Joel's final scream had pierced through the surface tension of the"water" above him, causing a deluge of liquid oxygen to rush into the between-world where the awful jellycreature had lived. Joel been carried through the rent, and now his body floated to the surface on a thick wave, a fresh smudge on the turbulent surface of an odd dreamworld.

Slowly Joel's body absorbed the liquid in his lungs, and it refreshed him. He was bouyant on the waves, and as his eyes began to open he noticed that the jelly creature had been crushed under the density of the inrushing liquid, and now its strange multicolored body lay in a gleaming puddle under the waves. Its deflated gawping head oozed along on the surface, and a final weary twich of a crumpled tentacle signalled its demise. The ghostly fiend that had taken him from his world and led him to the Master was nowhere to be seen.

In the near distance Joel saw a luridly colored island, and began to swim toward it, hopeful for rescue. As he neared the shore, vibrant creatures jumped around, waving at him wildly and shouting in glee. Once very near, and almost fully exhausted, Joel grabbed at the ribbons they tossed to him and allowed them to drag him to shore.

After a period of some time, Joel awoke to find himself surrounded by a pack of young boys just about his age. A cat-faced fellow with a bright red hat shrieked "he up, he up!" and the parrot, pirate, and clown yelled loudly "he UP he UP!" and danced wildly in their hyperoxygenated world. Joel breathed deeply, the smell of sugar and chocolate filled the air, a cloying-sweet atmosphere of carnival and circus.

"Have some candy, have some CANDY" all the boys shouted, bouncing off of walls and ramming into one another without regard to safety or one another. And so Joel ate. And ate. And ate. And eventually began bouncing off of walls and ramming into other boys, screaming wildly, fueled with sugar and the vivid energy of this extra-oxygenated world. They ran until they were utterly spent.

When he slept, it was to allow in twisting dreams of crazy colors and racing pace. When he awakened, it was to a pounding head and sticky mouth. When he stretched, his bones popped; when he peed, it smelled like cotton candy. He felt sick.

And still the boys stuffed him with sweets. Still they plyed him with sodas. Still they made him run and jump and shout and exhaust himself, for that was the only way he could meet "The Mistress," the one who held the power to decide his fate on this fantasy island. She liked her acolytes energetic and stuffed with glucose. So eat, Joel, and run. Play with us and stuff your face, for The Mistress, for The Mistress wants it that way.

After many days spent in a daze of sweets and screaming and sleep and sick stomach, the pirate said Joel was ready to meet The Mistress. Joel had killed the Master, after all, and in so doing had given her Ultimate Power over the Know-World, and she would grant him one wish.

Joel thought long and hard on this wish, finally settling on one that, just a few days ago, he would have thought strange, but now, in his candy-addled and wrung-out mind, seemed perfectly sane.

He was tired of candy.

He was tired of fun.

He wanted to see familiar stars and eat an apple, for Pete's sake, to settle his head and stomach. He wanted his bed.

In short, he wanted to go home.

The boys led him to the center of the island, to an enormous castle of sugar-glass and marshmallows, in which The Mistress lived. A smart rap on the graham cracker door announced their presence, and soon Joel was led into a vast hall in the middle of which was seated a gigantic women in a tight white outfit.

For a moment Joel felt an odd sensation in the pit of his stomach, and thought that maybe he didn't want to leave after all. She was beautiful, even if she was 30 feet tall and had breasts the size of a school bus. Joel, being a boy, wondered if it would be better perhaps to change his wish to be 31 feet tall and all grown up. However, once her threatningly resonant voice demanded his wish, he reverted to the small boy he was and squeaked out: "I want to go home."

"SIMPLE AS PIE" bellowed the tremedous Mistress. "EASIER THAN TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY!!!"

Joel's stomach lurched.


Joel felt ready to heave.

"ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS, EAT THIS!" and at that she held out her enrmous gloved hand, which held a gigantic candy heart with the words "eat me" printed in white icing on it.

Joel gulped hard, his gorge rose, the saliva flowed, he was one spasm of the gut away from a full-on heave. "Not more sugar!" Joel thought wildly. "I can't EAT anymore sugar! I can't DO this! Please, anything but this!"

But still, he opened his mouth, and began.

Nighty Nightmare 3

Suddenly, Seraph became conscious of a disturbance close by. Thrusting away her reminisces, she tried to prepare herself for the attack she knew must come.

Unmanned and as good as defenseless, she nevertheless attempted to stand. As the last line of defense, she knew only too well how important it would be for her to hold them here for as long as she could. Every precious second counted, and if her blood could buy a couple more, she would gladly pay that price.

What she was not prepared for was the green wall of mist moving inexorably towards her.

Gods, what was it? It seemed to go on for an eternity; she couldn't see either end, nor could she see a top. She could see through it, vaguely, making out familiar shapes and such. But the familiarity itself made everything seen through the mist even more strange, and while it didn't seem to destroy anything in it's path, she could not see another of her kind. Who knew what might happen when it got to her?

If she had any physical strength left, she would run. But as it was , she stood and faced down the mist as it enveloped her, breathing it in as slowly as she could, as her heart slowed and her sense of herself fled into the mist.

Then the mist was gone, the night as clear as she remembered it from childhood, reeking of pine; and she was in a room she didn't recognize, full of things both bizarre and homely.

There was a window, and as she crossed the room and looked out of it, she saw that, as much like home as this place was, it was not really home, or at least, not her home as it was when she was there.

And in the moonlight, by an outbuilding, she saw movement and tensed for attack.

The Celery Stalks at Midnight Part 3

A void, an echo of nothingness stood before Joel. One minute he was staring into the void and the next he was falling through the darkness.

Joel tried to scream but all he heard was a squeak and cold laughter. The phantom was beside him still, falling with him. Joel could feel the icy presence through the darkness and then complete blackness.

He didn't know he had blacked out until he awoke. Joel was drenched. His clothes stuck to his body and he could feel water on his face. He tested his legs in attempt to get up but the now familiar frosty hand stilled him.

Slowly through the pitch Joel could see movement, a creature coming toward him. Limbs, jellyfish like, moving slowly menacingly toward him. The creature had no head or face just tentacle like limbs. Some of the limbs had claws, grasping at the surface it walked.

By watching the creature's movement, Joel could make out water above and below where he and the ghostly specter stood. He tried to back away but the phantom stopped him. Joel wanted to cower, roll himself into a ball. Instead he forced himself to stand up and not move.

Joel did not know he was crying until he tasted the tears. The phantom laughed, "Tears only make you taste sweeter. Cry little one."

This time Joel did scream; loud and piercing the air until the water rushed in drowning him.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Post Secret Pick of the Week- Week 3

How many people go to school to learn, but end up being programmed?
I think this one was actually on last week but then again I am also a week behind. I don't really mind if you don't.

nighty nightmare 2

It was almost morning when she awoke. The ground was damp and hard, the smell of pine all around her. Once again she had sleep walked her way into the woods behind the house. She’d done it a few times when growing up but ever since the move to this new town it had been more frequent. Maybe it was just the full moon that was bringing on these dreams and the sleep walking? But Lizbeth was getting a strange that there was some how more to it all than an undigested bowl of ice cream before bed and late night Halloween movies with her new friend, Xavier.

Xavier!?! Oh crap, we’re supposed to go to a corn maze today. They were “just friends” right now but, kids at school were already taunting and talking. She’d not mind if they were more and while he was warm towards her, he always kept a slight distance. Although he didn’t have a girlfriend so maybe? What time is it? How long will it take me to get back to the house and get ready? How far in the woods did I go this time?

She trudged along the path she was now getting familiar with over the past few nights. She heard barking and knew she was close. Soon her dog Max would be tearing towards her and almost knock her down. Even he didn’t go this far into these woods. He’d only walk so far into them and when she sleep walked would only meet up with her at the same spot, a rock at the edge of a clearing.

Max settled down when he saw Lizbeth step out of the woods into the clearing. He sat and waited for her by a big rock. She walked up to him and gave him a hug before continuing on the walk home. They were close now. Once there, she’d sneak in her window and get ready for the max w/ Xavier. No one would know the difference. She’d not have to make an excuse this time about looking for Max or leaf gathering for an Earth science class. I took that back in 8th grade, you think they’d have a clue about my classes.

As Lizbeth and Max neared the backyard, Max stopped. The hackles stood up and he let out a low growl. Lizbeth stopped, looked around then crouched behind the shed. From the kitchen cam a strange green glow….

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Celery Stalks at Midnight Part 2

"Class, I need to step outside and speak to Ms. Hoover. Please continue with your assignment. I won't be long." Ms. Hamilton told her class.

Joel felt a chill go through him as he heard the door close behind her. He felt something cold touch his shoulder. Joel swung his head around to see what had touched him. There was nothing.

Am I spooking myself? Come on, its just a stupid story. Vegetables are not dangerous. They taste awful but they won't kill you. Joel thought to himself as he continued to write his story.

His pencil barely touched his paper when he felt the cold hand on his shoulder again and this time it was squeezing him tightly.
He turned his head around to see a tall menacing figure in a white cloak. He couldn't make out his face from behind the hood but Joel could see his red glowing eyes.

"Help me!" Joel screamed. None of his classmates seem to notice what was happening to him.

"Let go of me!" Joel squealed as he tried to get up. It was futile, he couldn't move.

"What do you want?"

"I'm taking you to Master", the phantom hissed.

"Noooooooooooo!" Joel cried as everything around him went black.

What is this place? Joel thought to himself as he walked the sandy path. It looked like caves he'd seen in geography textbooks; caves carved out by wind and sand. It was beautiful and frightening at the same time. Joel could hear the wind howling. It was getting louder as he walked down the path. He'd swear he also heard voices in that wind.


"Help Us."

"Run, if you can."

Joel would run if he could. He seemed to have lost control of his own body. He struggled to turn the other way, to turn his head, to open his mouth and scream but it was useless. The phantom who's hand was tightly on his shoulder seemed to control his movements.

The wind and the voices were getting louder as the cave became increasingly darker. Soon Joel found himself at the edge of a cliff. The phantom stood next to him.

"Where are we?" Joel asked.

The phantom said nothing as he pointed down over the edge of the cliff.

Nighty Nightmare Part 1

Nighty Nightmare Part 1- The Waste Lands

“Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.” –W.H. Auden

The disquieting hum of Other World had entered into Seraph’s ears like ethereal arsenic. It would simply be a matter of time before the good fight would end. Before she would be consumed. Then she too would finally Become. As Seraph waited for her fate, she allowed her mind to wander. Her skilled hands knew the epee well; her body would fight these fiends as long as possible. But staving off the demons inside? Seraph was inept, and her mind was an unwilling vassal to their calling.

Two pryons ago, today, Seraph lost Nai. Seraph had known Nai since childhood, although their meeting was most unusual. Nai had stolen Seraph’s family carriage and rode it through town to proclaim that he will become a great prahl slayer. Nai became her North, her South, her East and West. He showed her the ancient art of prahl slaying. She could remember when Nai showed her the Wu Myang way of slaughtering a beast with only two fingers. And, there was the smell pine needles as he took her.

But, as the years passed, she forgot the smell of pine. Seraph’s heart had become hollow, and she was vunerable to seduction by Ouraf-the shape shifter prahl. Ouraf had taken on the form of Nai, and tricked her into revealing Nai’s secret name. Ouraf spoke the name, and Nai Became. Seraph entered Unreal City to avenge her lover and assuage her guilt. No creature’s fury could match the nightmare of her deeds.

But now, Seraph began to tire, and the harpies and the prahls laid claim to their spoil of victory with a chorus of howls and screeches. She laid down her weapon and closed her eyes. The hum was deafening but for the first time in two years, she could smell pine. The Becoming had started.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Celery Stalks at Midnight Part 1

It was hunting.

It was the thing that parents feared the most; that he might come and take their precious children away in that one moment they weren't watching. Turn to stir the pot, check your lipstick in the rearview mirror, tie your shoes; look up and she is gone, gone. There was no stopping it, no way to protect your darling chick from the shadow of the raptor. He took whom he wanted and you just hoped that your luck was better than your enemy's. Or your neighbor's.

As an adult, you can vaguely remember at time when you were younger that you, too, were once his prey, but then you grow up, he is obscured from memory. But children are aware of him, fear him in the night while curled under their favorite quilt, hoping that the love that grandma put into its construction will be a talisman to ward off his lurking gaze.

It never is, by the way.

You dismiss your child's fears of the boogey men hiding under the bed, hoping that leaving the light on in the hallway to soothe your fear that he is in the dark, waiting.

That doesn't work, either.

While most children are actively afraid of him, there are a certain few who feel is presence more than others, who become mildly obsessed with the monster. He stalks through schoolrooms, waiting to find the right child.

This is how he hunts:

On this day, he walks down an aisle of Ms. Stratford's second grade class glancing over shoulders at the students quietly writing Halloween stories at their desks. The room is warm, and there is the faint smell of crayons and dirt and pencil shavings. He comes to a desk and reads:

The Celery Stalks At Midnight, by Joel Cheney

One time there was a boy who didn't eat vegetables. He would throw them away and his mom didn't know or she would have been mad. But one night the vegetables got mad and after he went to sleep they went to his room and killed him and threw his body away.

He had found his next victim.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Prophecy

Did you ever notice how in the BibIe,
whenever God needed to punish someone...
or make an exampIe,
or whenever God needed a kiIIing,
He sent an angeI

Did you ever wonder what a creature
Iike that must be Iike?

A whoIe existence spent
praising your God,but aIways with one wing
dipped in bIood.

WouId you ever reaIIy
want to see an angeI?

The answer to Quote This and the most thought provoking dialog in the movie

Love is a battlefield! Part 12

One upon a time there was a period where Sea Hag wasn't so...well... Sea Haggy when it came to dating. In fact, she was what you might term an Ignorant Doormat. Fortunately, she's learned from her past mistakes and now orbits in the Atmosphere of Extreme Fabulosity.

Besides learning valuable lessons, your darling Sea Hag has several hilariously pathetic dating stories from this time, and feels compelled to share this nugget of joy with you:

Today's lesson: Worst. Date. Ever.

Let me just first state for the record that this guy was very hot, so that you might understand why I put up with this stooge.

This guy, who I shall refer to forevermore as 'The Dipshit King', asked for my phone number, and after a few good conversations we agreed to go on a date.

This is where the fun started.

He said his car was in the shop, so I would have to come pick him up. Well...I could do that. So he gave me directions to the house he shared with his roommate and I drove. And drove. And drove. Turns out his house was a whopping 70 miles from mine, and he'd kind fibbed about how far out in BFE he lived. At one point I tried to call him on my cell phone because I was sure I was lost, but I didn't have any reception because I was pretty much out in 'Deliverance' country. Seriously, I was at a stop sign and I'm sure I heard the faint twang of dueling banjos.

I finally find his house, and he invited me inside. This house...well, let's just say that it looked like a cheap Chinese food restaurant puked in there. And it certainly didn't look like the kind of decor a 27-year-old would have chosen for himself unless he'd been on some nutty 'shroom binge in Beijing recently.

"Is this your roommate's crazy Chinese stuff in here?" I asked.

It was...if you consider his mother a roommate. So he'd already lied to me about who he lived with. But I blew it off, because, like I said, Ignorant Doormat.

Because there was absolutely nowhere to go around his house, we drove into the city (which, by the way, was about 30 more miles) and we found a little restaurant to hang out in. As I was browsing the menu, he gave me a funny look and said 'you're not hungry, are you?'

Well, of course I was, but I lied and said no (Doormat! Doormat!) so I just nursed a cup of tea while he had a Coke, and we talked for a few hours.

OK, I'm trying to make it sound better than it was...really, he talked exclusively about himself for hours while I sat there. Any time I tried to get in a word edge-wise he'd cut me off or pretend like he didn't hear me. No, really, I'd talk and he'd say 'What?' and then go on with whatever he was babbling about.

And oh, the things he talked about! Apparently, he'd been in med school in South America and flunked out. He'd dated a girl who was a model and wanted to marry him and be his sugar mama, but her father was in the Mafia and threatened to kill him. And remember how his car was in the shop? Well, it turns out that he a) didn't have a car and b) if he had one, he couldn't legally drive it since he didn't have a driver's license because c) he was an illegal immigrant.

Now, had I harnessed the power of the Sea Hag at this point, I would have just walked out, but oh no, I stayed to the bitter end. Incidentally, I had to pay for the tea I drank. On the (very) long drive back to the Dipshit King's Happy China Delight Emporium, he wanted to stop and use the bathroom, so I pulled over at a McDonald's and he went inside, then came out later with a bag full of food which he ate and didn't offer me any.

We finally got back to his house and I pulled into the driveway. I had 70 more miles to drive to get home at this point, I was hungry, pissed, and in a car with someone who bragged about failing med school in a Third-World country and didn't want to pony up $2 for tea and a Coke. I might be a doormat, but I had reached my limit and told him goodnight.

"You don't want to come inside?" he asked.

Very politely (dooooooormat!) , I said no, but he kept insisting until I finally screamed "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!" and for some reason, laid on the horn until he got out. Then I drove home, and for all you math experts, that made the entire round trip a shade over 200 miles.

But the cherry on the top of the ass-flavored sundae that was King Dipshit was that he actually had the nerve to leave me a voicemail a few days later in which he called me a 'pissy bitch'.

If only I had been, dude. If only.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

A good use of my sick day

I've been sick all week and I've spent the last 2 days at home. I'm feeling better today and I decided to spend some time baking. Baking always makes me feel better.

I worked on my new muffin recipe. I've tried different variations over the past couple of months and by Hyperion, I think I've got it! These Banana Blueberry Lemon Muffins are crunchy on top, super moist on the inside and not too sweet - my definition of the perfect muffin.


Art or Crap

I got 9/16.

Dog Days

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Last night's homework

50 Nifty United States

My beautiful Aunt sent me these mottos for each state in the Union. Some are pretty funny, but after you've read, I challenge you to equal their humor. In the comments, leave mottos you think would be appropriate:

Know your state's motto:

Alabama "Hell Yes, We Have Electricity."

Alaska "11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong."

Arizona "But It's A Dry Heat."

Arkansas "Literacy Ain't Everything."

California "By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda."

Colorado "If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother."

Connecticut "Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys

Don't Own It Yet."

Delaware "We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water."

Florida "Ask Us About Our Long-Distance Grandkids."

Georgia "We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism."

Hawaii "Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru." Translation: "Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money."

Idaho "More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Good."

Illinois "Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"."

Indiana "2 Billion Years Tidal-Wave-Free."

Iowa "We Do Amazing Things With Corn."

Kansas "First Of The Rectangle States."

Kentucky "Five Million People - Fifteen Last Names."

Louisiana "We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign."

Maine "We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster."

Maryland "If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It."

Massachusetts "Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's."

Michigan "First Line Of Defense From The Canadians."

Minnesota "10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes."

Mississippi "Come And Feel Better About Your Own State."

Missouri "Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work."

Nevada "Hookers and Poker!"

New Hampshire "Go Away And Leave Us Alone."

New Jersey "You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto, Right here!"

New Mexico "Lizards Make Excellent Pets."

New York "You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney..."

North Carolina "Tobacco Is A Vegetable."

North Dakota "We Really Are One Of The 50 States."

Ohio "At Least We're Not Michigan."

Oklahoma "Like The Play, But No Singing."

Oregon "Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner."

Pennsylvania "We're Cooking With Coal."

Rhode Island "We're Not REALLY An Island."

South Carolina "Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet."

South Dakota "We're Closer Than North Dakota."

Tennessee "The Edyoocashun State."

Texas "Se Hablo Ingles."

Utah "Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus."

Vermont "Ay, Yep."

Virginia "Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?"

Washington "We Have More Rain Than You Do."

West Virginia "One Big Happy Family...No Really, We Are."

Wisconsin "Come Cut The Cheese With Us."

Wyoming "Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Very Nervous

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Quote This

I am a big fan of any thing with a good quote. That includes music, movies, television, even your momma ... If she had anything good to say that is. I'm only kidding, but not really.

I also know some of you must be too... Why else would you shift through hyperion's endless rambling. To get to the movie picks that why. I know, I know, I out all of you people but lets see where it goes.

Anyways I have a movie quote here from one of my personal favorites. Lets see if any of you remember it or even know where it came from.

"You know how you got that dent in your top Iip?

Way back,before you were born,
I toId you a secret, then I put my finger there...

and I said, "Shh."

Extra Cool Points
If You Can Tell Me the Name of the Character Who Said It

~Lost"Movie Freak" Goddess

Job Openings

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background

checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:

Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know

that you will follow your instructions no matter what the

circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a

chair. Kill Her !!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take

your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and

went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came

out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same

instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into

the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,

crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there

stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded

with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

:) LJS

Monday, October 16, 2006

For first time, unmarried households reign in US

"Overall, what I see is a situation in which people -- especially children -- will be much more isolated, because not only will their parents both be working, but they'll have fewer siblings, fewer cousins, fewer aunts and uncles," the scholar argued. "So over time, we're moving towards a much more individualistic society."
(full article:

Wouldn’t it be like the pendulum effect? And later swing back to these solo kids wanting bigger families and all themselves?

What do you think Barners?

How many of me...
LogoThere are:
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

I think what disturbed me more than anything about my results was that it said the 99.7% of people with my first name are male. You mean to tell me there are actually women with the first name Kevin? Sick parents.

Lady Jane's Galley

I know that I don't have the great culinary skills of our dear Dragon. But, I thought that I'd share a new recipe with y'all.

Entitled: Kitty Litter Cake

(please save the awesome photo until the end!)

On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board. After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so that my wife could make it, which she refused to do. I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work. It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.

1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent

1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper

1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.

2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.

3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape
the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.

4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!

Since You've Been Gone

For awhile now I've wanted to bring you Weird Al's "Since You've Been Gone," which may be his best non parody ever. (EVER!)

But I can't find the video on You Tube. I don't even know what the video looks like.

I did find two videos that take other stuff and put the song over it, which I have below. One is some sort of Cartoon thing I've never heard of, and the other is a tongue in cheek thing to Draco following Book 5.

Feel free to ignore the videos. Just choose one to listen to the lyrics. The lyrics are the thing.

Draco Version

Anti-Ed/Winry (your guess is as good as mine) Version



PS I know Schrodinger will claim this is only the second best "Since You've Been Gone," following her favorite singer Kelly Clarkson, but she's wrong.

PPS Yes, this can serve as the Barn's unofficial theme song next week when I lose internet access totally

What Sea Hag remembers about last night

It's possible that I might have had one or two gallon-sized glasses of beer last night, but I clearly recall that this happened. Oh the humanity! Why isn't CNN or Fox News reporting on this today?

Sea Hag

The Top Ten reasons I love you

Hey, dudes.

I only have a minute, so I will be brief. When I challenged you to write great posts, you delivered! Those were some great posts last week. I was very proud. Many were good, but the best had to be that kitten with a gun to its head.

Okay, here is the next challenge: come up with Halloweeen Top Ten Lists. You will have to try pretty hard to beat Ajax's lists last year, but I exhort you to come up with something. Send them to hyperionexiled and I (or Kaida) will make sure they are posted).

Miss you all


Friday, October 13, 2006

Happy Birthday USN!
We are very proud you and everything you do!

"The Words of Our Fathers"

I left out the best/ worst threat my Dad ever gave me and the winner if there were a top ten list........

" Do you want me to give you something to cry about?"

And that's my father. I didn't understand it then, but I do now and maybe that's what really counts!


No seriously, this is for realz. One can have their very own worm farm. They help with composting, and it's really good for the environment.
:) LJS

Pirate Candidate Battles for Iowa Congressional

This Pirate has my vote.

Pillaging, plundering and grog, sweet grog - James Hill is happy to discuss the finer points of pirate life. Just not before you hear him out on lobbying reform.

How can you not vote for him?


Thursday, October 12, 2006

Love is a Battlefield! Part 11

I have a few friends who are trying out the online dating thing lately, and they have asked for my world-famous advice when they were writing up their profiles. So, I went online and trolled a few dating sights to get a feel for what, exactly, people generally said about themselves so I could then craft profiles for my friends which would make all other profiles EVER look pitiful by comparison. These profiles would guarantee my friends a never-ending river of penis and/or vagina and would secure me a place in Heaven for helping my friends get laid.

Anyway, as I was checking out all these profiles, I was shocked at how many of them were totally stupid and devoid of any kind of personality...and the pictures! Dear God, the pictures! I very nearly shoved a Number-2 pencil in my eyeball just to end the horror.

So please, people, if you plan on rockin' out the online dating thing, avoid the following things in your profile if you ever expect to get some ass:

Today's lesson: Seven deadly sins of online profiles

1. Your picture
Everyone would love to think that they are full of inner beauty and rainbows and unicorns and whatever and that that's what any potential lover will judge them on, but the sad truth is, you're really gonna be judged first by your picture, so do yourself a favor and make it a good one. Please don't use any pictures of yourself where you:
a. Have some freak-ass red-eye
b. Are getting trashed at a party
c. Are in a group picture and you can't tell which person is you
d. Are in a picture where you've clearly cut out an ex
e. Are in some sort of stupid pose where we can see your armpit.
And even though you were 30 pounds lighter 10 years ago, put up a current picture.

2. 'I like to have fun and travel'
No. Shit. Do you like to breathe oxygen too? I know you think that by writing this you're conveying a care-free attitude, but here's a news flash, dumbass: everyone likes to have fun and not be at work. Be more specific, tell people what you do to have fun (and don't you dare say 'I like to have fun with my friends' because that's as equally unoriginal).

3. 'I've never done this before...'
The whole gosh-golly-gee shy thing is irritating. You signed up to do the online dating thing, now grow some balls and be assertive.

4. 'It's hard to talk about myself...'
This goes in the same category as #3. Also, keep in mind that you're trying to sell yourself, so if you can't think of even one interesting thing to say about yourself, then no one is going to want to kiss your pink parts.

5. Grammar
For the love of everything good and holy, pretend that you passed the sixth grade and learn the difference between your and you're.

6. 'The things I can't do without...'
Most sights have a goofy thing where you list some things you just couldn't live without. Be creative and don't put the following things: friends, family, pets, food, water, my car, blah blah blah. Really, this is a super-easy way to put something funny about yourself, and no one thinks that putting oxygen down is clever.

7. Leave your damn emotional baggage at the door
Try not to be a psycho in your profile. We've all had our hearts broken before, so try to relax and don't blast an ex, have a neurotic laundry list of characteristics you want (or don't want) in a partner, or air your personal business. This might feel cathartic to you, but most people will read that and think you're keeping someone in your basement and occasionally squirting them with a water hose.

Sea Hag

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

National Coming Out Day

Could it be....Sea Hag posting twice in one day? Is this a sign of the apocalypse? Is the end nigh!?!?!

Man, I need to stop freebasing.

Anyway, it's National Coming Out Day, so for everyone who is in the closet, apparently Hallmark has designated this day for you to come out and tell everyone if you want. Much love and courage to those who are brave enough to do it today (or any day).

Sea Hag

Oh My God, I Sound Just Like My Father

As an adult the threats of my father make much more sense to me now. In my family we help my sister raise her three children. By each adult taking separate days of the week off to watch them. This way they don't end up daycare or under the supervision of other people. Only problem is I know find myself using same the exact same threats my dad used on me.
Phrases like:

"You're crusin for a brusin"
"Because I said so, that's why"
"Sit down and hold each other's hand"
"Trust me, you don't want me to pull this car over"
"So help you god, if I have to come in there someone is going to get hurt"

And last but not least the ever perverted sounding (but trust me this IS NOT. He had a 2" wide leather belt, and would snap it so you knew he was on his way to make good on his threats....

"Bend over and grab your ankles"

Okay, I really only use the first three or four but you get my point. Question is am I really turning into my father?

What about you? Ever received threats like these or is it just me?

Post Secret Pick of the Week- Week 2

So it's my favorite three this time......




Yes I realize that's 4 The first one I simply had to include so it's really not on the list

Shut up I don't want any back talk out of any of you! Only kidding you know I love your doggie style!

No, really, what's your sign?

So yeah, I am kinda underwhelmed by the lack of responses to the best and worst pick up lines ever. So I'm giving you all another chance to submit them to me by e-mail or, if you're lazy, by sticking them in the comments section. You can submit more than one, if you want.

I will be giving away a prize to the best one. Seriously. No, I don't know what the prize is yet...but rest assured, it will be so awesome it'll most likely cause some sort of rift in the time-space continuim. I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. I need to lay off the absinthe.

Sea Hag

One for the True Barn Overlord

Sorry Bear, You just don't cut it in this business.

I just got this email...

Our fearless leader would be so proud!!!

~Lost "feeling strong-armed" Goddess

Google This

Go to the Google search engine and type in the word failure. Now click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

Recognize anyone?

~Lost("The Bitch" who cusses) Goddess ;)

Why I Believe That Nature, Like Monkeys, Is Best On The Other Side Of The Glass

Tracy 'Nature is a Bitch Goddess who wants to destroy me' Lynn

At this point, I'm just making you people look bad

Even in an Outlaw Camp, I continue my onslaught of posting....

(Also, to inspire you, I am changing the picture, motto, and quote. Hope you like them)

I happened to get a copy of Sunday’s Parade Magazine, and saw the Marilyn vos Savant questions. (Does anybody else have a hard time buying her as the smartest person in the world?)

(I'll bet she doesn't know all the words to Don Gato)

Anyway, one of the questions sent to Marilyn was so astonishingly easy I goggled. It took me about 12 seconds, and that’s counting that I went back to double-check the answer, thinking it could not possible be that simple, and I had overlooked some important detail. Marilyn seemed to indicate that many would have trouble with it. Here it is, and you decide for yourself.

”At a small grade school Class Reunion (fewer than 24 people), two thirds of the men are married to three fifths of the women. How many people are single?

I don’t want you to put the answer in the Comments (as to ruin it for others, but tell me this: is this question difficult? Are we such a Math-Phobic culture that we freeze up at the mere mention of numbers?

What say you?