Thursday, October 12, 2006

Love is a Battlefield! Part 11

I have a few friends who are trying out the online dating thing lately, and they have asked for my world-famous advice when they were writing up their profiles. So, I went online and trolled a few dating sights to get a feel for what, exactly, people generally said about themselves so I could then craft profiles for my friends which would make all other profiles EVER look pitiful by comparison. These profiles would guarantee my friends a never-ending river of penis and/or vagina and would secure me a place in Heaven for helping my friends get laid.

Anyway, as I was checking out all these profiles, I was shocked at how many of them were totally stupid and devoid of any kind of personality...and the pictures! Dear God, the pictures! I very nearly shoved a Number-2 pencil in my eyeball just to end the horror.

So please, people, if you plan on rockin' out the online dating thing, avoid the following things in your profile if you ever expect to get some ass:

Today's lesson: Seven deadly sins of online profiles

1. Your picture
Everyone would love to think that they are full of inner beauty and rainbows and unicorns and whatever and that that's what any potential lover will judge them on, but the sad truth is, you're really gonna be judged first by your picture, so do yourself a favor and make it a good one. Please don't use any pictures of yourself where you:
a. Have some freak-ass red-eye
b. Are getting trashed at a party
c. Are in a group picture and you can't tell which person is you
d. Are in a picture where you've clearly cut out an ex
e. Are in some sort of stupid pose where we can see your armpit.
And even though you were 30 pounds lighter 10 years ago, put up a current picture.

2. 'I like to have fun and travel'
No. Shit. Do you like to breathe oxygen too? I know you think that by writing this you're conveying a care-free attitude, but here's a news flash, dumbass: everyone likes to have fun and not be at work. Be more specific, tell people what you do to have fun (and don't you dare say 'I like to have fun with my friends' because that's as equally unoriginal).

3. 'I've never done this before...'
The whole gosh-golly-gee shy thing is irritating. You signed up to do the online dating thing, now grow some balls and be assertive.

4. 'It's hard to talk about myself...'
This goes in the same category as #3. Also, keep in mind that you're trying to sell yourself, so if you can't think of even one interesting thing to say about yourself, then no one is going to want to kiss your pink parts.

5. Grammar
For the love of everything good and holy, pretend that you passed the sixth grade and learn the difference between your and you're.

6. 'The things I can't do without...'
Most sights have a goofy thing where you list some things you just couldn't live without. Be creative and don't put the following things: friends, family, pets, food, water, my car, blah blah blah. Really, this is a super-easy way to put something funny about yourself, and no one thinks that putting oxygen down is clever.

7. Leave your damn emotional baggage at the door
Try not to be a psycho in your profile. We've all had our hearts broken before, so try to relax and don't blast an ex, have a neurotic laundry list of characteristics you want (or don't want) in a partner, or air your personal business. This might feel cathartic to you, but most people will read that and think you're keeping someone in your basement and occasionally squirting them with a water hose.

Sea Hag


Hyperion said...

This is pretty good advice. I would also add that humor is a big plus, as is uniqueness. Write everything in rhyming verse. Use the phrase "As has been foretold."

You laugh and say that sounds lame, and it probably does, but in a sea of sameness, which profile are they going to remember?

Koz said...

In a sea of sameness, I am going to remember the chick with big boobs.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Koz, what if they all have big boobs?
Well done Sea Hag!

tiff said...

Fine advice!!

Koz said...

I have a good memory

Sea Hag said...

I have big boobs

Koz said...

I remember them.

Sea Hag said...

I remember them too.

Koz said...

I hope so, since they are attached to you (they still are attached, right?)

Sea Hag said...

I was pretty drunk when I posted that last night. But yes, I do remember them and yes, they happen to be atached still, despite all the crazy things I did last night.

Hyperion said...

I happened to be online when your comments (Koz and Sea Hag)started coming in; back and forth, back and forth.

All I can say is, "Get a room!"

Sea Hag said...

Only if you join us!

Koz said...

I'm out - no male, male, female 3somes for me.

Sea Hag said...

I bet you'd agree after a few Roofie Coladas.