Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Don't cha wanna kiss me?

Your Kiss is Blue

You prefer kissing to be a meaningful, emotional experience. You don't like to kiss strangers, and you don't like to kiss someone you're mad at.

A kiss can change how you feel about someone - for better or worse. You don't take anything lightly... especially kissing.

Kissing Type: Deep

People See Your Kisses as: Genuine

You Kiss Best With: A Green Kisser

Stay away from: A Red Kisser

Lost Reminder

Just a reminder: Lost comes back tomorrow.

Tonight they are re-airing the Season Three Final episode that was supposedly the best Season Finale ever, in an "enhanced" version, whatever that means.

Sadly, I will not be able to watch it. I got the DVDs from the library and am frantically trying to get caught up by tomorrow night, but who knows if I will make it.

Who's Looking forward to tomorrow? Even though I have 13 episodes still to watch I can hardly stand it. I'm stoked!

Give Me Wine, Women and Snuff

Here's a John Keats poem I thought you'd really like.

Give Me Women, Wine and Snuff
John Keats

Give me women, wine, and snuff
Untill I cry out "hold, enough!"
You may do so sans objection
Till the day of resurrection:
For, bless my beard, they aye shall be
My beloved Trinity.

We Are the Strange

This might be the strangest Movie Trailer you ever see:

Monday, January 28, 2008

It's time to Fletcherize

I've been meaning to explain since I put up the new motto:

"Nature will castigate those who don't masticate."

It comes from a Victorian Era dude named Horace Fletcher, and boy was he an interesting dude. One of the first health "experts," Fletcher came up with a novel approach to nutrition:

Chewing your food.

Wait, there's more.

Fletcher believed food should be chewed 32 times (or about 1oo times/minute) before being swallowed. Even liquids were supposed to be chewed so they could mix with saliva. This method, which came to be known as "Fletcherizing,"would increase one's strength while actually decreasing the amount of food consumed. (I can see some of you ladies already thinking, "A new diet?")

Fletcher believed one should not eat until starving, and to never eat when emotional (he might have been one to something with this last one). Fletcher had all sorts of tests and "data" (historians argue whether any of it was real), including supposed tests of Fletcher at 58 whomping Yale students in feats of strength. He used to go around all over lecturing and promoting his wellness plans, and became a millionaire with his theory.

Fletcher was a big proponent of checking excretions, or "digestive ash," as he called it, and advocated teach children to examine their own leavings to keep tabs on their health. Fletcher maintained that a truly healthy person would create "digestive ash" that was inoffensive, i.e., contained no odors. (Finally! A man whose shit truly didn't stink!)

By the time he died Fletcher was just another tarnished guru, as the new wave (calorie counters) were gaining sway, but I was fascinated by the dude, and felt he deserved salute.

The Monkeys bless you, Horace, or as he came to be known in his lifetime (and I am NOT making this up):


Who would hold Jesus Hostage?

We need to get to the bottom of this wiener poopie conspiracy

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Again and Again

This song has been playing in my head for 3 days now. Garth Brooks' "When You Come Back To Me Again". Enjoy.

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and
It keeps me hanging on
Raining down
Against the wind
I'm reaching out till
We reach the circle's end
When you come
Back to me again

It's a beautiful song. Here is the music video.


Thursday, January 24, 2008

Heath Ledger (Whachu Got?)

I wrote a column that included (among other things) a discussion on the proper pantheon place of Heath Ledger. However, it has become obvious to me that I will not finish editing it for this morning, so before it becomes stale news (i.e., another celeb croaks), I thought we could pick our favorite Heath Ledger movies.

Pick your favorite and the one you think is the best. I got this list from IMDB, excluding TV. It shows the movie, year and his role. For the record, as for "best," I'm torn between MONSTER'S BALL and BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. I think MB might be a tiny bit better, but as I feel that Ledger was terrible in it, I'm inclined to give the nod to Brokeback, where he was fantastic. Actually, for the record, I only thought he was good in two films.

My very favorite film of his (and he didn't actually add a whole lot besides some Australian Mystery Man Mean) is 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU.

What's your vote?

I'm Not There. (2007) .... Robbie Clark
Candy (2006) .... Dan
Casanova (2005) .... Casanova
Brokeback Mountain (2005) .... Ennis Del Mar
The Brothers Grimm (2005) .... Jacob Grimm
Lords of Dogtown (2005) .... Skip
The Order (2003) .... Alex Bernier
Ned Kelly (2003) .... Ned Kelly
The Four Feathers (2002) .... Harry Faversham
Monster's Ball (2001) .... Sonny Grotowski
A Knight's Tale (2001) .... Sir William Thatcher / Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein of Gelderland
The Patriot (2000) .... Gabriel Martin
Two Hands (1999) .... Jimmy
10 Things I Hate About You (1999) .... Patrick Verona

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I miss them!

I am all things to all people.

So, Sparky Duck had up this profile that told you who you really were just by your first name.

And, like a sheep I took it.

I hate Sparky Duck

What Hyperion Means

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people.
Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems.
Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Speaking of clowns....

They've always creeped me out....

Don't send in the clowns

Bad news for Coco and Blinko -- children don't like clowns and even older kids are scared of them.

The news that will no doubt have clowns shedding tears was revealed in a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards.

The study, reported in the Nursing Standard magazine, found all the 250 patients aged between four and 16 they quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary.

"As adults we make assumptions about what works for children," said Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in research at the university.

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

(Reporting by Michael Holden; Editing by Steve Addison)

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Sarah Connor Chronicles

So, I'm curious who watched the first half of "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" on FOX last night, what you thought of it, and if you're going to watch the second half at nine tonight.

Basically, the show takes place after part 2, as if part 3 never happened. (I guess they can get away with that by all the time-travelling.)

For those who don't remember part 2, Sarah Connor is wanted for the murder of a Cybernetics inventor, which keeps her and her son on the run. Add to that that for some reason the Terminators are trying to kill her son again, and hilarity ensues.

Of course, they send back a good Terminator to help, in the form of the luscious Summer Glau, better known as River Tam from Firefly. I now wonder if the guy in my Fantasy Football league was prescient when he named his team "River Tam Beats Up Everyone."

Anyway, my dad and I watched last night and were sufficiently entertained to tune in tonight. My guess is that even if you missed last night, the recap will get you up to speed, should you desire.

So, those who watched: WHADDJYA THINK?

Punjab Axl

Are you needing to start your Monday off with "Sweet Child O' Mine" played on the Sitar?

Yeah, I think that's just what you need:

Sunday, January 13, 2008


I get one of the those "poem-a-day" emails, which I usually delete after reading. However, sometimes they captivate me and I want to share.

William Butler Yeats

"Your eyes that once were never weary of mine
Are bowed in sotrow under pendulous lids,
Because our love is waning."
And then She:
"Although our love is waning, let us stand
By the lone border of the lake once more,
Together in that hour of gentleness
When the poor tired child, passion, falls asleep.
How far away the stars seem, and how far
Is our first kiss, and ah, how old my heart!"
Pensive they paced along the faded leaves,
While slowly he whose hand held hers replied:
"Passion has often worn our wandering hearts."
The woods were round them, and the yellow leaves
Fell like faint meteors in the gloom, and once
A rabbit old and lame limped down the path;
Autumn was over him: and now they stood
On the lone border of the lake once more:
Turning, he saw that she had thrust dead leaves
Gathered in silence, dewy as her eyes,
In bosom and hair.
"Ah, do not mourn," he said,
"That we are tired, for other loves await us;
Hate on and love through unrepining hours.
Before us lies eternity; our souls
Are love, and a continual farewell."

Preparing a Steak - 1796 style

I ran across this recipe from a 1796 cookbook. It doesn't sound appetizing, but I will leave the final verdict to more experienced gourmands than myself.

American Cookery, by Amelia Simmons (1796)
(The first American cookbook)

To dress a Beef-Stake, sufficient for two gentlemen, with a fire made of two newspapers.

Let the beef be cut in slices, and lay in a pewter platter, pour on water just sufficient to cover them, salt and pepper well cover with another platter inverted; then place your dish upon a stool bottom upwards, the legs of such length as to raise the platter three inches from the board; cut your newspapers into small strips, light with a candle and apply them gradually, so as to keep a live fire under the whole dish, til the whole are expended when the stake will be done; butter may then be applied, so as to render it grateful.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Two Greatest Words Put Together

The other day (okay, it was November, but you get the point), I had an Arby's.

(By the way, quick aside: the new toasted subs at Arby's? Start slappin' your momma.)

Anyway, on one of the packages was this proclamation that went like this (I'm paraphrasing):

Beef and Cheddar: The two best words that could possibly be put together.

So here is my challenge, Barn. Can you top that?

Don't Ever Drink from Hotel Glasses!

Koz sent me this. You'll never look at hotels the same way again....

Don't Ever Drink From Hotel Glasses

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Program Managers.....

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

-From Arcamax

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Why are you crying?

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family .

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord,I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Signed, All Us Women

An Observation and a Question

First of all, to all you who watched LSU dismantle Ohio State, a question: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MANY CAMERA CUTS TO THE BANDS?

Seriously: usually they go to the cheerleaders after most plays, and some the sidelines and the crowd (especially if there is a celebrity they can find). But the go-to shot in the game was the LSU or the OSU band! My dad thought the producer had to be a girl. And the cheerleaders were hot, too!

Did anyone else notice this?

Okay, here's my real question:

I'm working on a scientific experiment, and I need to know (for Science, so be adult about this):

On Average, How many times a day do you pee?

I'm totally serious, and I need answers!

P.O.D. - Mopey Rock Style

Monday, January 07, 2008

New Iowa Cereal for 2008

W.O.D. (Word of the Day)

We here at Monkey Barn (an affiliate of the Hyperion Institute) do not think life should be all large breasted monkeys and drunken office parties. No, sometimes you actually have to learn something.

So Learn!

Word of the Day:

Louche [Pronounced "loosh"]

louche - shady, dubious, of "questionable" morality. Karen was hesitant to dine in the Kit-Kat club, as the exterior had a louche feel.

New Virus Warning

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

-from Arcamax

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Worst Thing ever!

[this didn't get any responses when I posted it LAST YEAR, so I moved it to now. Respond, Monkeys, Respond!]

So, just now I was reading one of my favorite webcomics, Questionable Content, and in this strip, they were having a contest to see who could come up with the worst possible thing to say during sex.

The worst they could come up with?

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Can you top it?

Lio Rulz!

Thre "Lio"s from the last week. This wordless comic is easily the best one in our paper right now, and probably one of the top five comics going. (Click for larger size to read better.)

That's showin' 'em, Lio!

This is so going to be me. Stay tuned.

We create our own opportunities, baby!

Delight in Disorder

I ran across this poem by Robert Herrick. I thought it was pretty cool and wanted to share:

Delight in Disorder
Robert Herrick

A sweet disorder in the dress
Kindles in clothes a wantonness:
A lawn about the shoulders thrown
Into a fine distraction:
An erring lace, which here and there
Enthralls the crimson stomacher:
A cuff neglectful, and thereby
Ribbands to flow confusedly:
A winning wave (deserving note)
In the tempestuous petticoat:
A careless shoe-string, in whose tie
I see a wild civility:
Do more bewitch me, than when art
Is too precise in every part.