First Christmas Joke of 2010

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.  "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes the spirit Christmas to get into heaven." 


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents the Advent Candle," he said. 


"You may pass through the pearly gates."  Saint Peter said. 


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "The ringing of the bells."


Saint Peter nodded in approval and ushered the man in. 


The third man has been searching desperately through his pockets the whole time and finally pulled out a pair of lacy red women's panties. 


St. Peter stares at the man, raising his eyebrow in question. "And how how do these symbollize Christmas?" 


The man says, "They're Carol's."

Inappropriate Joke #3

Q: Why couldn't Heller Keller Drive?

A: She was a woman.

Inappropriate Joke #2

3 men walk into a bar. One orders a beer, another orders a shot, and the last one orders a whiskey. I don't know how the rest of the joke goes but your mother is a whore.

Inappropriate Joke #1

Over on International Day it is International Inappropriate Joke Day, and in honor of that, I felt I should do my part.  Here's the first one.

Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets and alleys of Rome.

One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."

Man and Woman driving along in a car.....

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we
going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed- even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

This joke is from the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet

LETTER FROM A FARM KID

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food,
plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.



The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,

Darlene

Holy Men and the Three Bears

A priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students at the University of Northern British Columbia, Fort St. James campus. The three would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, but a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannigan, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear and when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed,

"WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND ME a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says,

"Looking back on it, I suppose circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Leftover Halloween Joke

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders.

"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender,


"Two bloods and a blood light."

Dirty Halloween Joke of the Year

You've been warned that it's dirty, though I defy you not to tell it at work today!

Why don't witches wear panties?

McCain and Obama after the Debate

After the televised debate, John McCain and Barack Obama ran into each other backstage.

"You know, John," said Obama, "out there in the debates you and I are damaging each other's reputation. Why don't we settle this contest like men? You and I will have our own private competition, and then whoever loses will endorse the other candidate."

"What type of competition do you have in mind?" asked McCain.

"A game of basketball," said Obama.

"No way," said McCain with a grin. "You're a foot taller than me -- it wouldn't be fair."

"O.K.," said Obama. "Then how about a foot race?"

"No, that's not fair either," said McCain. "I'm twenty years older than you, and I don't have much endurance left."

"Well what would you propose?" asked Obama.

"How about a speed-talking contest?" said McCain. "We'll both be given a speech, and whoever reads it fastest wins."

"No, that's not fair to me," said Obama. "I can only talk out of one side of my mouth."

Palin and the Pope

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing in Venice.

The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice.

They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, 'Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry.'

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

'Palin Can't Swim.'

That's what I love about them Catholic Girls.....

Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie wanted to ask each girl what career they want to persue.

The first girl said, "I want to help needy children in Africa."

The sister said, "Very good then."

The second girl said, "I want to help the elderly."

The sister replied, "Good job to you."

The third girl said, "I don't have much money so I have no choice to become a prostitute."

Sister Marie fainted on the floor.

The girl said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute but I really need the money."

The sister woke and said, "A prostitute, oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant!"

Crazy

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Adam and Eve

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.


Don't get mad: you KNOW it's true

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.



Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Bad analogies

I found a website with a contest (supposedly) for bad analogies. Some research leads me to (strongly) believe that this website got the analogies from a widely circulated email, so I do not feel the need to attribute to them. If there was an original, I don’t know it. I then searched the internet for more bad analogies, and winnowed down the list to these.

If you’re reading these aloud at work, after each sentence everyone should say (in a mock Italian accent), “Now THAT’S a bad analogy.”


Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat.


These are the best of the bunch:

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Clouds

What do Clouds where under their clothes?

(Check Comments for Answer. Trust me; you're gonna wanna)

Science Jokes

Rubber Ball Specs

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.





Chemist Speak

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."





Physics vs. Math

A physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an emphirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it.

A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again.

Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive."

Sartre's Coffee

Three people will get this joke, but those three people will laugh their heads off


The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"

Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"