Herman Cain sings Beatles montage about Pizza

[The following has nothing to do with politics in a traditional sense, either mine, yours or Mr. Cain's. It's more about how people make the major decisions in their lives.]

Herman Cain is a great story, but we all know he will not get the nomination, let alone the presidency. He will never fit the mold of expected conventionality the way a Perry or Romney or even Obama does.


It's too bad that someone with once-in-a-generation bravery and imagination isn't working for Cain, because this video below - back when Cain worked for the pizza industry, is goofy, inoffensive, and funny, but more than that, holds the one small sliver of out-of-the-box thinking that might get Cain to "stick" in people's minds the way that is necessary to get elected in the new world.


I am telling you with 100% sincerity that Herman Cain should start singing at all his campaign appearances. It would defy everything we know. It would make him a laughingstock, a source of constant late-night derision, angst and troubling echoes to a sordid racially charged past for American Entertainment and politics.


And it just might make Herman Cain the next president.


I know, you don't agree with me. I barely agree with me, and I'm a genius.  It's almost impossible to wrap your head around it. It's so counter-intuitive.


People, the president is not your Mommy. He's not your Daddy, though that's what people seem to think, what they hope for. The president has never had the control over the Economy that people think. Read the Constitution: it's not even in his job description.


If the past 20 years have taught us nothing else - and they haven't - it's that the president cannot solve your problems, no matter how much you want him to. At some point people will grasp this on an unconscious level, even if they do not agree.


So what does that leave?


In the modern world, people need their president to give them something else, something different, not forced down their throats on the advice of marketing experts, but a part of who they are, a part that sticks out, gives people something else to think about. This is why the myriad low-grade controversies that followed Clinton actually helped him, they made him memorable and interesting. People don't want to consider the idea that they pick their president in the same way that they pick what to watch on Thursday Night TV, but they do.


Whatever politics and priorities a candidate says he has change once he becomes president, and is forced to deal with the reality, not the theory of his lofty goals. Whatever is left gets compromised - sometimes out of recognition, with his opponents, with the changing needs of the country and public zeitgeist, and that which does get put into Law never acts according to how it was drawn up.


In other words, the practical, real-world relationship a person has with their president is by far most influenced by the quality of the four-year reality show that the modern presidency is. The jokes. The family. The controversies. The scandals. The Fashion. The president's hobbies, his hopes, his tone of voice. How he ages in front of us, how he handles the big moments, how he handles disappointment, how he is able to surprise us, stir us, and simply stay on our minds.


Herman Cain could be that man. He won't do it and who could blame him? He wants what every candidate wants, to be taken seriously. No one running for president, particularly an African American, wants to be seen as a sideshow, Tonight's Entertainment.


But ironically, whether they admit it or not, that's what people are looking for. Imagine that.








Lyrics to Herman Cain's Pizza Beatles montage:


Imagine there's no pizza
I couldn't if I tried
Eating only tacos
Or Kentucky Fried
Imagine only burgers
It's frightening and sad


You're lucky you have pizza
To feed for kids for you
Only frosting or cookies
And no dishes you must do
Imagine eating pizza
Each and every day


You may say that it's junk food
But to me it's so much more
It gives my life its meaning
And it makes a lot of dough


Imagine mozzarella
Anchovies on the side
And maybe, pepperoni
Rounds out your pizza pie
Imagine getting pizza
Delivered to your door


You don't have to give up now
On my skateboard I will go
I'll be back in 30 minutes
I just bought Dominoes


All I am saying
Is give pizza a chance
All I am saying
Give pizza a chance!
All I am saying
Is give pizza a chance
All I am saying
You've got to, got to give pizza a chance!

P.O.D. - Ummmmmmm

Craziest Political Ad You'll Ever See

Obama's Checklist (SNL)

I don't watch Saturday Night Live, but I'd heard they opened Saturday with a scathing anti-Obama skit. THAT was scathing? Goes to show you how liberal the show really is where a relatively mild (and wholly inaccurate) skit earns such shocked oooohs. I mean, there's a decent point there that on quite a few issues the movement has slowed down. Perhaps President Obama takes too long, or just cannot "Get 'er done." On the other hand, whether you were happy with the actions taken or not, was anyone else around the first four months? The Federal government spent like six-hundred trillion dollars. They committed to more debt than in the history of debt - not the history of American debt - the history of all debt put together. I'm not saying that was good or bad - that depends on your view of what was done, and how much it might accomplish in the long run. (And of course it also depends on what actually gets accomplished - something no one can be sure of at this point.)

Anyway, whatever you think of all that, you can't say it was nothing. Still, the skit was decent. One final note: the actor playing President Obama does his best, and once you get used to his style you can tell where he is trying to match Obama's cadence in certain situations. However, as much as the guy tries, he just doesn't sound like Obama. If you didn't know you were listening to an Obama parody, it would take awhile to figure out.

There are two types of ways to play a real person. One is dead-one mimicry, and the other is to exaggerate a well-known physical or behavioral trait of the person. With mimicry the humor comes from the context of the words, where as exaggeration gives you leg up going in. The problem with copying Obama is that he has a modulated medium-sounding voice. He does have a somewhat distinct cadence, but his voice is relatively devoid of emotion. That's kind of who he is, kind of just cool under fire.

I don't know what the solution is, but any show who wants to do parodies of Obama - their best bet is not to have the resident black cast member give it a shot - but find the best person to get the voice and physical tics - white, black, or miscellaneous, and work on "coloring" from there. Just a thought. Here's the skit.

oval office message
by postertube

The End of Small Farms?

I'm not saying this issue does not have two sides, but from what I've looked into, what she's saying is pretty right on. If anything, the reality is far worse.

Bobby Jindal - Governor or Infomercial Guru?

I kinda like Governor Bobby Jindal (his "not ready for prime-time" rebuttal the other night notwithstanding).

However, just a few minutes ago I'm flipping around, and I see Bobby Jindal on C-SPAN. then, I flip again, a find an informercial I've never seen. (Because of Lentils, I cannot watch re-runs, so my favorite Infomercials are verboten.)

Anyway, I see this new infomercial, and suddenly I think, "Hey, is that Bobby Jindal on this infomercial?)

Flip back to C-SPAN, flip back to Infomercial. C-SPAN ......Informerical. ARE THEY THE SAME GUY?


These pictures don't quite tell the story, but I swear to you: on TV, Bobby Jindal and Real Estate Guru Dean Graziosi look VERY similar.








By the way, my extreme bitterness over Kevin Trudeau has taught me well, and I AM NOT endorsing Graziosi. I don't know anything about him, but a simple Google search tells you that, at the very least, many people disagree with his claim to be able to help people make money.

I'm only showing the pics because sitting here right now, flipping back and forth, the similarity is eerie.

Go ahead with your Bad self, Mr President

I stayed home yesterday to watch this. I stayed up until 2 am to watch this. I am still on cloud nine today from this.

P.O.D. - Election Day Encouragement

I've done my part. If that doesn't get you to vote, nothing will.

Daily Lynx - Election Day Distractions

My Friends, do you need some totally awesome lynx to distract you from the never-ending political coverage today? Do you need the Lynx to "clean up" politics (and thus justify my racy picture above?) Do we dare?

Yes we can!

(There: that got both candidates a plug, without showing favoritism.)

These Lynx will blow you away with the awesome, so be careful.


1. From the World of Eastern Cinema, we have 50 Stunning Asian Movie Posters. Most of these far and away crush the American ones, and they convince me we need to demand more in a movie poster! I stole one, just to give you an idea:



Just judging the posters (and not the movies), my favorite one was for WHISPERING CORRIDORS 4, although you have to love the pterodactyl in LEGENDS OF DINOSAURS AND MONSTER BIRDS. What's your favorite?



2. Here is something kind of cool, or maybe completely creepy: the NOTABLE NAMES DATABASE. They are aiming to track every notable person in the world. Now, before you shout "Big Brother!" you should there: there is far less here than on a Wikipedia page. Mostly just the Who's Who outline. But here's the cool part: the site has a "Mapper" that lets you track how famous people are connected, sort of a Kevin Bacon thing. I went from Barbara Walters to Joseph McCarthy in two steps!



3. In honor of the spectacular Simpsons Halloween special Sunday (which you can watch now at imdb.com), I present What Charlie Brown characters would look like as Anime. I will snag one to give you a peek:



Good grief, huh!




4. Here is one for your wordnerds: The Un-Dictionary. You can submit words that SHOULD BE words. This is something Hyperion has been way ahead of for years. Maybe I will submit all mine. Either that or start my own Hyperictionary. (By the way: my link takes you directly to "Sapiosexuality;" definitely a passion of mine.)


5. For my Sexy Feminist Bitches, I found a slide show of How Successful Women Dressed Through the Decades. It's pretty amazing. I snagged the 1920s to get you started:



How cool was that? My favorite is the '50s, if only because the bras are so fantastic. What's yours?


[By the way: Hyperion is an ACTUAL FEMINIST, not a FRAUD FEMINIST, which means he believes most women are way tougher than they've been portrayed by the EVIL FRAUDULENT SELF-APPOINTED SELF-RIGHTEOUS leaders of the Women's Movement, which means he knows actual it's actually a sign of respect to jokingly call women bitches the same way he might call his male friends bastards, and he knows the word itself does not set back the cause of women in the slightest, but the overreaction and PC culture some would create surely does. And now I'll get off the soapbox.]



6. Just in case you need a little bit of politics, check out this great side-by-side look at the Electoral Map all the way back to George Washington. I spent an hour pouring over this thing, and I knew most of it! Great stuff.




7. I give you this link, of Hispanics Breaking for McCain, only because a friend of mine did it. He was just trying to get a rise out of people on Digg, but it serves as a great lesson to us all: what we read on the net, what we hear "reported" on the news isn't necessarily true. Beware stats my friends. Beware.



8. Finally, if you're tired of politicians who just don't deserve your trust, I urge you to fall in love with Hazel McCallion, the non-partisan mayor of Mississauga, Ontario.


Read her Wikipedia page: Hazel is an amazing woman. In 2005 Hazel came in second in the World Mayor Award to Dora Bakoyannis of Athens, Greece. I'm sure Dora is the Cat's Pajamas and all that, but I smell a French judge somewhere screwing over the Canucks again. In a time when partisanship makes everyone into enemies, Hazel has been a popular mayor for 30 years, and usually runs unopposed. She gets stuff for her city that the gigantic Toronto can only dream of, because she rocks. Nice to have someone to believe in, even if they are igloo dwellers.

Chris Berman interviews Obama/McCain on SPORTS

Last night at halftime of the Monday Night Football game Chris Berman did a short interview with Barack Obama and John McCain. The interviews were live via satelite. (Conducted live: they may have been shot earlier in the day.) I don't know if the candidates were given the questions beforehand, although this was more of a human interest piece, so it's not like it was tough to figure out.

Both Candidates were asked what was the most valuable thing they ever learned from the sporting world (either from watching sports in or their own lives), and also what one thing they would change about sports. Overall McCain was funnier, throwing in a few jokes that fans of Chris Berman would get, but Obama's answer almost made me weep with happiness. I'm still not planning on voting for either guy, but Obama picked the one thing that bugs me most about sports too, which was pretty moving. I tell you the truth: if I thought for a moment he might actually do something about it, that would be good enough reason for me to vote for him. (I think you'll all agree the BCS is far more important as a single issue than guns or when babies cease to be zombies or taxes or war or any of that inconsequential stuff.)

Here are the two videos:








If the videos won't work, here is the transcript. (They have the order backwards, which may or may not be biased, but it is accurate.)

Does the REDSKINS RULE predict the Election?

Former Monkey Dominique sent me an email last night, reminding me of the REDSKINS RULE. The idea is that:

If the Washington Redskins win their last home game before the election, the incumbent party will keep the White House. This has apparently proved true 16 out of 17 times, since 1936, with the lone exception being 2004. Another way to look at that would be it was accurate 16 times in a row, and then the cycle was broken 4 years ago, but whatever floats your boat.

Anyway, THE REDSKINS LOST TO THE STEELERS 23 - 6.

If the REDSKINS RULE is correct, this means Obama wins the election. (See more)

Foamy the Squirrel on Politicians

From Skittles, Foamy the Squirrel weighs in (sorta) on the election.

I have to say, I agree with Foamy at the outset, but I completely disagree with his idea that public schools are underfunded. Truly, they are a Tafdamned disaster, but funding is not the (central) issue.

And Foamy's words at the end are completely wrong. Politicians are all about giving you money, so you will vote for them again. What do you think Stimulus packages are designed to do? They sure don't help the economy.

Anyway, we provide forum for all views here, so Foamy, take it away:

Bill O'Reilly on The View

This video was sent to me by Monkey Barn Reader "Skittles." There are two things I try to assiduously avoid: O'Reilly and The View, so I haven't watched this, but she assures me it's awesome.

P.O.D. - Nosferatu

McCain and Obama after the Debate

After the televised debate, John McCain and Barack Obama ran into each other backstage.

"You know, John," said Obama, "out there in the debates you and I are damaging each other's reputation. Why don't we settle this contest like men? You and I will have our own private competition, and then whoever loses will endorse the other candidate."

"What type of competition do you have in mind?" asked McCain.

"A game of basketball," said Obama.

"No way," said McCain with a grin. "You're a foot taller than me -- it wouldn't be fair."

"O.K.," said Obama. "Then how about a foot race?"

"No, that's not fair either," said McCain. "I'm twenty years older than you, and I don't have much endurance left."

"Well what would you propose?" asked Obama.

"How about a speed-talking contest?" said McCain. "We'll both be given a speech, and whoever reads it fastest wins."

"No, that's not fair to me," said Obama. "I can only talk out of one side of my mouth."

P.O.D. - Chosen One

After the joke below I felt I needed to do equal time.

Palin and the Pope

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing in Venice.

The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice.

They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, 'Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry.'

She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

'Palin Can't Swim.'

Duelling Videos

I received two different videos in recent days from Monkey Barn readers, praising (more or less) our presidential candidates.

As always, I'm not endorsing anyone, and I'm not comparing the videos, either. One is a clip from a live event, and the other is a produced video. (Although: it must be said: where did the Obama video people come up with those white folks?)

Anyway, we're all about equal time here at the Barn, so watch the videos and decide for yourself.









If you have something for the Barn, send it in!

P.O.D. - Politics

Are Democrats responsible for the Housing Crisis?

Koz sent me the following video. It is about Obama's alleged connection to Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac and the Housing Crisis.

I am not endorsing it. You all know me well enough to know I don't want either major political candidate to win. I am not even saying it is entirely accurate. (Several times in the video the filmmaker challenges the reader to google the material yourself.) I am currently working my way through it, pausing and reading where I have not already. I am already familiar with a good bit of it, and much of what the video says is true enough.

My initial take is that the first seven and a half minutes are very interesting and well done. (Although: I don't like how quick it moves, almost like you don't have time to digest the info. I do understand that in the information age attention spans are low, but still.) The last three minutes you can skip, as it veers into more conventional politics.

Again, I'm not endorsing this, but we have run videos/links in the past critical of McCain, and fair is fair. If you are not in Monkey Barn, and have a video that offers other ideas, send me the link and if it's good I'll post it.

My only criteria here is "Interesting" and offering other views.





I'll say lastly that much of this I have known about for some time, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why McCain hasn't made a bigger deal of it. Who cares about '60s radicals when you have this fall into your lap? The Fannie/Freddie crisis could have been McCain's single biggest coup and wrapped up the election, but like the rest of his campaign, it was poorly and ineptly executed.

Anyway, watch the video and decide what you think.