Sunday, August 31, 2008

P.O.D. - Labor Cyanide

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Labor Lynx

Just because I love you, a super-duper extra special edition of the Lynx to get you through the Labor Day Weekend:

1. From our "Wish in one hand...." The U.S. is planning building a 5 Billion dollar shopping mall in Baghdad. I wonder if they're going to call it "Amal of America"?

2. Fresh off the Democrat National Convention, here is a link I've been saving for a year. are featuring the heart-warming children' story Why Mommy is a Democrat. Yes, friends, explain the "facts" of life to your three-year old, before she's old enough to think for herself. (You can buy the book on Amazon too.)

3. Speaking of Democrats, I feel like you need to see the World's 25 Weirdest Animals. That friendly little fellow above is a hagfish, but you will also learn about the Pink Fairy Armadilo, the Axolotl, and the Aye-aye. Seriously: if you click on no other link today, make sure you check these bad boys out.

4. For the uptight Feminists in the audience, I found a 1943 Guide to Hiring Women. The list includes such helpful hints as

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

Yeah, unless you get in the way of their doughnuts!

5. Just to (cough cough) round things out, how about some Female Porn? Don't worry, Red-staters, there's no DP here. But you will find men vacuuming, cleaning toilets, and generally being considerate. Talk about your fantasy! (Zing!)

6. Are you a sucker for well-done card tricks? No? Well, all I can say is: You will be now!

7. Have you seen the Belgian version of McDonald's? It's called Quick, and I don't know if it's creepy, or if I'm going to Belgium very soon. All I can say is, why don't we have deep-fried cordon-bleu for fast food? I want my Cheesy SandwiQ!

8. Up until two days ago I was not aware there was such a thing as the NeoCube. And obviously, for the past two days, I've been plotting to get a NeoCube.

9. Okay. I debated fiercely whether to post this picture, since some of our more "highstrung" members tend to get a tad upset when I post scantily clad pix. But people, it's for such a great cause! Who doesn't support the ousting of the Fuhrher? Are you a Nazi? Well, then enjoy Amanda Beard (or lack of beard, as the case may be), in all her finest. And Enjoy your Labor Lynx. They were a laborlynx of love.

European Beer Commercial

One of the Monkeys sent me this commercial. (She was too shy to post it herself. Wonder why.....)

No doubt that it's European!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

P.O.D. - habillement style

I haven't liked Garfield in about 10 years. But maybe I'm coming around......

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Timex Social Club

The other day I was talking to my sister and for some reason (conversation related), broke into a few lines from "Rumors," by Timex Social Club. She looked at my blankly, and in my enthusiasm to edumacate her about the song, I declared it to be the greatest one hit wonder of the '80s.

Then I got to thinking about it. It IS the greatest one hit wonder of the '80s. Right?

Follow along with the Lyrics

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

P.O.D. - Hyperion Day style

For the Hyperion Day P.O.D., I knew I needed to find something really special. This I have done. I present a (rather pessimistic) view of humanity. This is why I must take over, and soon.

(You MUST click on to see the whole thing in detail)

Daily Lynx - Hyperion Day Style

Since today is Hyperion Day, I thought I would reward you with a monster edition of the Lynx. (These have all been vetted for coolness. Not a Biden in the bunch. Ooh, that's a great motto!)

1. You need something to get pissed off about. Admit it. I'm your huckleberry. In New York, mothers are taking their 8 year old daughters for their first Brazilian wax. A rite of passage, right? When will you liberals learn shame?

2. Thinking about drinking Tequila, but not really sure it's for you? Take a look at what things look like sober vs. drunk on Tequila.

3. One more cheap shot at liberals. (Conservatives will take it up the ass from me next week.) Some older women are cougars. Then there are some who are PUMAs.

4. Switching gears, a really cool food site: the Encyclopedia of Spices. I always wondered what the hell to do with Asafoetida.

5. Just for the Awesome: The 10 most incredible feats of The Incredible Hulk.

6. How to get laid in 1977. I want you to know; I have personally seen Sparky Duck wearing three of these outfits.

7. One of the greatest short videos of all time. How many times does 5 go into 25? If you said 14, you really know your maths.

And finally, not to EVER be forgotten, the Lady Jane Scarlett decreed International Bow Down Before the Hyperion Day. She said it, not I.

Those are your Daily Lynx. Use them wisely, people.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,


With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.


From Reuters:

It was everything the event was not supposed to be. The Olympics should embody sportsmanship and fair play. Taekwondo is about discipline and civility in a fight.

Unfortunately Cuba’s Angel Vaoldia Matos forgot about both in the heat of his bronze medal bout.

Matos was leading 3-2 against Kazakhstan’s Arman Chilmanov when he slumped to the floor rubbing his leg. When he was disqualified for exceeding a minute’s injury time, his coach rushed on to the mat and Matos exploded in anger, reacting to the referee’s call by clocking him with a well-aimed kick to the head.

The discipline of the taekwondo mat descended into chaos as both Matos and coach stormed out, with the head of the World Taekwondo Federation in hot pursuit.

The sport’s governing body reacted swiftly and strongly. Both were banned for life from the sport for what the federation said was behaviour that strongly violated “the spirit of taekwondo and the Olympic Games.”

Matos’s bouts in Beijing were struck from the Olympic record. Order was restored.

Somewhere you just know a Democrat is going to blame this on the Cuban Embargo (and a Republican is going to blame it on Castro).

Friday, August 22, 2008

Ultimate Rejection Letter

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Chris L. Jensen

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Volcano Lightning

My friend Bogart sent me some sweet pictures the other day. It's a Volcano erupting, spewing ash and Lightning. How cool is that???? (Pretty Damn Cool.)

The Volcano is called "Chaitin," in Chile, and it erupted on May 6 of this year, the first eruption in 9000 years. (One assumes that's an estimate but maybe they asked Tracy Lynn. I think she was around then.)

[Click on the Pictures for full view.]

Hyperion Day, baby!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

If Monkey Barners competed in International Athletic Competitions

After the graceful splendor of the last video.....


You know, at some point humans are going to hit the ceiling as far as what kind of athletic feats they are capable of.

But not yet.

I would marry this woman sight unseen. Heck; I'd probably take it from the guy. Just amazing.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

What Schrodinger's Kitten has been up to

Haven't seen Schrodinger's Kitten around much lately, either. Finally I figured out why, when a reader wrote in to explain she's been attending a lot of Cons.

However, eventually she takes off her costume and parties like a regular girl:

Here's to you, Schro!

Friday, August 15, 2008

What Dragon's been up to

Haven't heard much from Dragon lately, and I wondered what she was up to. Then I happened upon the newsstand.....

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Bad analogies

I found a website with a contest (supposedly) for bad analogies. Some research leads me to (strongly) believe that this website got the analogies from a widely circulated email, so I do not feel the need to attribute to them. If there was an original, I don’t know it. I then searched the internet for more bad analogies, and winnowed down the list to these.

If you’re reading these aloud at work, after each sentence everyone should say (in a mock Italian accent), “Now THAT’S a bad analogy.”

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat.

These are the best of the bunch:

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Shocking News!

In keeping with my P.O.D. from'll find this shocking!

BREAKING NEWS: The Footage Barack Obama Doesn't Want you to See

:) LJS "no I'm not obsessed"

International Read Poetry to someone you Love Day

As I'm sure you know (and have planned on the last two months), today is International Read Poetry to someone you Love Day. If you click on the link you'll get plenty of ideas.

Last night I was getting an early start, and I read Robert Herrick's "The Vine" allowed to someone. I did this having never actually read the poem myself, and having no idea what it was about.

At first it just seemed like straight-foward metaphor; no big deal. Maybe even a little quaint, in that "must have been interesting way back when" sort of way.


I literally said, "Whoa!"

Suddenly everything changed, and I realized I had not been reading this right. Do yourself a favor: without reading the poem, start reading it aloud to anyone sitting nearby. You'll be glad you did.

The Vine
Robert Herrick

I dreamed this mortal part of mine
Was metamorphosed to a vine,
Which, crawling one and every way,
Enthralled my dainty Lucia.
Methought, her long small legs and thighs
I with my tendrils did surprise:
Her belley, buttocks, and her waist
By my soft nervelets were embraced
About her head I writhing hung
And with rich clusters (hid Amoung
The leaves) her temples i behung,
So that my Lucia seemed to me
Young Bacchus ravished by his tree.
My curls about her neck did crawl,
ANd arms and hands they did enthrall,
So that she could not freely stir
( All parts there made one prisoner).
But when I crept with leaves to hide
Those parts which maids keep unespied,
Such fleeting pleasures there I took
That with the fancy i awoke,
And found (ah me!) this flesh of mine
More like a stock than like a vine.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Beijing Update 8.10.08

yea I got nothing

10 Bucks 10 Years

This is a fun game you can play with your co-workers on a Monday morning. If nothing else, it helps ease into the week, and decides who pays for lunch.

Like the comic suggests, we're talkin' 10 Bucks/10 Years. The bet is simple. One person says a name, a place, something, that the other person has not thought of ONCE in ten years. (The Honor System has to prevail.)

Okay, you ready? Let's us play right here, right now. My thing is in the comments. You Paypal me when you lose, okay?

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Daily Lynx

Here are some Lynx that will teach you things, 'cuz knowledge is power!

1. You think the Economy is tight? You don't know the meaning of the word. In Zimbabwe, they just knocked 10 zeros off their currency. Ouch.

2. Undersea black smokers found off the Arctic. My question: were they smoking Newports or Kools?

3. This last one isn't so much a link as it is Nawlejj:

spoon·y also spoon·ey (spn)
adj. spoon·i·er, spoon·i·est
1. Enamored in a silly or sentimental way.
2. Feebly sentimental; gushy.

Don't you feel better knowing that?

Superhero Movies Question

Saw Batman last night. Too exhausted to say anything, but I do have a question:

Okay, here is my question:

What are your top five best Super-hero movies, in order?

That is all

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Greatest Movie Line Ever

One of the Monkey Barn faithful sent me this video clip. I've never posted video before, so I sorta feel like Neil Armstrong here.

("One small step for ........ man, one giant leap.....")

Anyway, here goes nothing.

I don't actually know from what movie this clip comes. Anyone who can tell me wins 6 Hyperion Institute Points. If you have a video, send it to me and I'll post it, or, if you're a Barner, post it yourself!

P.O.D. - Dragon Style

(Click on picture for bigger view. And whatever you do, beware The Dragon.)

Schizophrenic Psycho

Yesterday I was sitting in the parking lot at Wal-Mart, because I am most surely an idiot. We needed a few groceries, which my sister and I were going to get. However: Saturday was the 2nd, the day after payday, which means everybody and their brother was at Wal-Mart (on a Saturday afternoon).

Second, every year Georgia runs this scam where they hold a "tax holiday," in order to get people to spend more money. Are people this stupid? In a word? Yes.

(We like to do the shopping in the middle of the night, when it's just you and the stockers. Might be a little tough to maneuver, but it's so nice to move in relative freedom.)

Anyway, so the plan was ill-conceived. Unfortunately, my allergies were just killing me, and (this is gross, in case you want to skip to the next paragraph), I kept swallowing snot all through lunch, and I drank water on top of Chinese food, which is salty, which means it didn't digest, which means the snot just curdled in my stomach, and long story short, I kept throwing up ribbons of snot as I spit/blew my nose hundreds of times.

This meant that I stayed in the car while my sister went it. (Actually, I drove around to different parking spots, because I kept opening my car door to throw up and I didn't want to be associated or near that. I couldn't really get out and walk around because it was almost 100 degrees.

So not good times.

However, the point: as I was sitting and not breathing, I listened to hard-rock radio. Not generally my first club out of the bag, but I was too miserable even to change the dial. One of the songs caught me with the line "Maybe I'm the one who is.....the schizophrenic psycho." As they say, it was like they were playing my song.

When I got home I looked it up; turns out the song is sung by Puddle of Mudd. (It's called "Psycho.") I'm not super familiar with them, but I've heard a few of their songs. I seem to recall in one of them that someone (either the singer or the girl he was singing about), wanted his/her ass smacked. Not sure why that detail stuck in my head.

I listened to the song again, and read over the lyrics. They seemed mysterious and meaningful, even though they probably aren't. Here you go:

Follow along with the lyrics

Then, I happened to find another version, the music video. This changed everything for me. Has that ever happened to you? You totally like a song, it seems to hit that certain part of the back of your brain, to reach out and "get" you, but the video is so different from your interpretation that it almost ruins it? They won't let me embed that, but if the song hooked you, watch it here.

I suppose I should wrap this up with something witty or interesting, but I can't breathe again, so I'm done.

[This post is "borrowed" by my blog, cross-posted here because no one ever goes there and I wanted that outside chance that someone would read this.]

Friday, August 01, 2008

ATLO #1 - Nick Brandt

I'm starting a brand new feature here on Monkey Barn, 'cuz you dudes need culture! I call it (drumroll, please):




Much like the beloved Picture of the Day, Quote of the Day and Daily Lynx, the ATLO will be a periodically running segment to introduce you to artists you may have never heard from. I love the classics, of course, but my emphasis will be largely undiscovered artists. For each artist I will put up a couple of pictures, NOT IN AN ATTEMPT TO INFRINGE COPYRIGHT, BUT TO GET YOU TO VISIT THEIR SITES AND BUY (IF INTERESTED) THEIR ART.

The first Artist To Lust Over is Nick Brandt. Nick has studied Film and Painting, but it's his African Photography that blew me away. I don't know if it's because I lived there or my affinity for black and white, but I couldn't get over his photographs. Here are a couple.

"Lioness with Cub Feeding"

Several of Brandt's photographs show mothers and babies. While I feel very strongly that human babies are all ugly, animal babies are (almost) all cute. One of my favorites is the babboon baby. Make sure you see that one. (The elephant baby is to die for as well.)

"Windswept Lion"

There are several photographs of lions right before a storm. I love the power of the pictures, and how noble the animals as they brace for a fury even more powerful then they.

You need to visit the Young Gallery, which has several of his pictures on display, as well as details on how you can buy prints. I recommend it. How awesome a Holiday Gift would one of those babies make? (Pretty Freaking Awesome).

Perhaps more in your price range, Brandt has published a book of his work called On This Earth: Photographs from East Africa. The link goes to Amazon, where I notice you can save 35% off the hardcover price.

For the record, like all of the Artists I plan on featuring, no one approached or asked me to do it. I am starting this simply for the love of the artists' work, and in the hopes that you will discover them too. All the art belongs to the artist. (If you have an artist that should be featured, let me know and I'll consider putting them on the list.)

Make sure you Ooooh and Aaaaah over every photograph. You'll be the most popular person at work today. One more to whet your appetetite, a gorgeous photograph that almost cracks my heart:

"Elephant Cathedral"