Comfort Wipe - Now you're shittin' in style!

As you're watching this commercial, I'd like you to focus on four "my life is incomplete without knowing!" questions. They are:

1) What "advantages" is the big guy talking about?

2) Why does the older woman pick up an accent as she's talking?

3) Although the commercial seems to strongly indicate that people dispose of toilet paper while standing, let's assume for the sake of argument that the Comfort Stick is going to have a lot in common with its second cousin the Shoehorn. Therefore, would you be any more comfortable using someone esle's Comfort Stick as you would be their tooth brush, deodorant, douche or suppository?

4) FINALLY: Whether you could use this product or not, would you sign a petition promising--under penalty of perjury--to buy it if they changed the name from COMFORT WIPE to POO STICK?

Christmas Tree Pack-up Date

Our Christmas tree came down Saturday, the earliest Calendar date I can ever remember.


Since we all grow up with our own experience, we tend to think it's normal. However, I doubt most people routinely have their tree up until the Super Bowl. So I ask you:

What day in December (or November?!?) do you usually put up your tree, and by what day do you take it down?

What about when you were a kid?

Somebody Explain

Please?

Pure Evil?

What do all of these famous people have in common?

The Great Buddha
The Roman Emperors Tiberius and Claudius
Banquet guests of the Emperor Nero
Alexander I of Russia
Pope Clement II
King Charles V of France.


{Answer in the Comments}

Looking for a Scary Book - Monkey Barn Help!

So, every year around Halloween I try to read a new scary book that I haven't gotten to yet. I have no real criteria, other than I like to read good (=quality) books. However, when it comes to scary stories, it's almost more important that they're interesting/scary than how well-written they are.

You can forgive much bad prose if the story works, while no matter how well-crafted, if you're not jumping in fright, you've lost.




So, I ask the Barn:

WHAT ARE THE SCARIEST BOOKS YOU HAVE EVER READ?

Attention all Monkeys, Barners, and any other primates/farm structures. I have a challenge for you.

I was stumbling, and came across the worst opening lines in Romance novels. Some were funny; most were lame.

More importantly: I think we can do better. I challenge you to come up with the Worst First Line of a Romance Novel you can think of.

Don't let me down!

Palin/Clinton on SNL

Last night's SNL opening. I laughed out loud three times; haven't done that in ages.




For years I have thought we should do a "Hottest Women in Glasses" Top Ten list. And for years I thought Tina Fey would be on that list. Who else?

Heels

Hey,

I was reading a book the other day, and it referred to someone having "rounded heels." It was obviously a metaphor, but I've never heard that one.

Anyone got any info?


(and if not actual knowledge, perverted answers are fine too)

10 Bucks 10 Years

This is a fun game you can play with your co-workers on a Monday morning. If nothing else, it helps ease into the week, and decides who pays for lunch.

Like the comic suggests, we're talkin' 10 Bucks/10 Years. The bet is simple. One person says a name, a place, something, that the other person has not thought of ONCE in ten years. (The Honor System has to prevail.)

Okay, you ready? Let's us play right here, right now. My thing is in the comments. You Paypal me when you lose, okay?

Superhero Movies Question

Saw Batman last night. Too exhausted to say anything, but I do have a question:

Okay, here is my question:


What are your top five best Super-hero movies, in order?

That is all

Swinging in Plain Sight

Swingtown (Thursdays on CBS)

I have this amazing (if useless) superpower: to watch a show for mere seconds and be able to tell you the network like that. One would think Swingtown, a show set in the ‘70s about those freewheeling scarf-wearing couples, would be on FOX, or possibly CW. However, it is very apparent very quickly that Swingtown is a CBS venture, which is a very strange thing. Or maybe not.

My theory (and I know you’re dying to hear it) is that is CBS is not really marketing polyamory to the under-25 crowd. For reasons no one can grasp, the network, which has been #1 most of this decade, just does not go after young viewers. No, I suspect they are going straight at people who were teens or so in the ‘70s; they’d be in their 40s or so now. (Math rules!)

Anyone could have figured that out, but here’s where my noggin comes in: despite what you may have heard, the “Swinging ‘70s” were never really that swinging. Sure, there were key parties, but they were few and far between. Call it “Suburban Legend.” But people talked like every Tom with a hairy dick was out there and loving it. They did this for the same reason people in your high school all claimed to be “doing it,” even though most were not: people lie about their sex lives because they think it makes them look cool.

If I am right (and I am), what CBS is selling with Swingtown is not XXX Drama (though they will drool if Conservatives give the show free pub in their anger), but rather, nostalgia for an era that did not actually exist. This strange configuration is what we call in semiotics a simulacrum. Groovy.

The proof is in the pudding, as by far the most important details are the music and the costumes. After all, you cannot sell nostalgia if it doesn’t look right, and sound right. (After the episode we are immediately told where to go listen to all the awesome music, and download it too; giving Time Life a run for their late night money.)

Hey; I’m no hater. The soundtrack is cool, and the costumes and décor look great too. It’s just that it feels like the entire show was designed around the mis en place rather than, oh, I don’t know; decent characters and a believable story. There wasn’t a single person on screen who caused me a moment’s empathy, and the plot points would make a cliché blush. That last point won’t be a problem. Heck: CBS has always built their empire on giving audiences the familiar. But Swingtown is the one thing A SHOW ABOUT ORGIES should never be: achingly boring.

Disagree with Hyperion? Check out the pilot episode yourself at CBS.com

IN PLAIN SIGHT (Mondays on USA)

The gigantic success of SATC notwithstanding, women do not go to the movies as men do. Men go to their favorite films in force, and they go back. And back. And back. This is why, more than all other factors put together, the big movies, and usually the good ones, are made with men in mind. However, when it comes to TV, it is just the opposite. Chicks rule. Not only are they loyal to their shows; powerfully loyal, but they don’t flip around nearly as much on the commercials!

It is no wonder, then, that recently we have seen a spate of Power-Chick shows. TNT showed the way: a woman in law enforcement; pushing 40, mess of a social life, but absolutely kick-ass at her job, and not afraid to be sexy. We should all be so lucky.

Again: I’m not hating. A 39 year-old woman who knows what she is doing is about the sexiest thing on the planet. Enter Mary McCormack as Mary Shannon, a hard working utterly dedicated sexy ballsy take-no-prisoners US Marshal whose job is to protect witnesses. As in witness protection.

And her social life is a mess and she pushes people away because she’s been hurt, which is why she’s so tough, and she breaks all the rules but she has a good heart and….you get the picture. Sounds a lot like either of the TNT shows, huh?

It does, and that’s a problem. There is plenty of room for shows about tough chicks in law enforcement with messed up personal lives, but at some point it’s going to become a cliché. I have hopes, though.

A bigger problem might be the set-up. McCormack (at least in the pilot) does plenty of first-person voice-over narration, usually a bad sign. It doesn’t really fit with the show. Also (and this is completely my issue), but I cannot stand her partner, played by Fred Weller. For some reason the dude has been on my nerves since THE SHAPE OF THINGS. And, he sounds EXACTLY like Randall from CLERKS. It’s unnerving. But his character is cool, so I’m willing to give Fred some space. The other side characters (especially Mary’s crazy mother, played by Lesley Ann-Warren), seem promising.

I’m being fairly lenient here to a show that really didn’t give me much, but that’s probably because in some ways IN PLAIN SIGHT is sort of porn for me. Not in the traditional sense (although, if USA wants to have Mary McCormack get more nakeder, I’m behind her, I mean behind USA), but more the idea of Witness Protection. The very thought that I could pack up my life and disappear somewhere, even New Mexico (where the show is shot, in a refreshing non LA/NY change) is pretty cool to me. Yeah, it would suck to never see anyone I love again, but still…..

CROSS PROMOTIONAL THINGY: DO YOU EVER FANTASIZE ABOUT DISAPPEARING FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER? GIVE YOUR ANSWER OVER ON PUT TO THE QUESTION.

IN PLAIN SIGHT could quickly become predictable and boring. I was excited about last summer’s SAVING GRACE with Holly Hunter, but never managed to watch an episode beyond the pilot. But I really like Mary McCormack. There was even some side-boobage in the first episode, and I would like to think USA would have the good sense to follow up on that. Or maybe I just like to dream about another life, one where no one knows I suck.

See if Hyperion’s right. Watch the pilot for IN PLAIN SIGHT either at hulu.com or on USA’s website.

Hyperion
June 6, 2008

3 Inches, one way or the other

A trip in the way-back machine for a moment, back to 1992.

In the very underrated (and still holds up quite nicely) movie BASIC INSTINCT, everyone knows about the Sharon Stone sex, and the then unheard of lesbian stuff, etc. But perhaps the hottest sex scene occurs with first time actress Jeanne Tripplehorn. To refresh your memory, it occurs about 18 seconds before this shot:



Afterwards, Tripplehorn's character (Beth), and Michael Douglas's character (Nick), have the following conversation:

Beth: You've never been like that before. Why?
Nick: You tell me, you're the shrink.
Beth: You weren't making love to me!
Nick: Well, who was I making love to?
Beth: You weren't making love at all.

(By the way, methinks Beth doth protest too much. She certainly wasn't complaining when Nick bent her over a chair and violently ripped her panties of. Granted, I couldn't actually see her face for much of the exchange, but good times were seemingly had by all.)

Anyway, I'm not asking if the scene was hot (it was), or if Beth's later criticism was kinky remorse (it was). Here's my question. I always assumed that Nick took Beth in "rear entry" position. I mean, obviously he did, but I'm talking vaginally.

However, I was reading something on Aint it Cool News the other day, and Harry Knowles made casual mention of how Nick had fucked Beth up the ass. (His analogy was to what Republicans were doing to the country now, which is neither here nor there, but I mention it in the interest of fullness.)

Futher Googling reveals that there are at least a few people who take it for granted that's what happened. Now, in 1992 I was woefully ignorant of the ways of anatomy, so it is entirely possible tht I could have been watching simulated anal sex and not known it.

But I have seen that movie at least 10 times since, and every time I got the impression that Nick was going pink, not brown.

So I ask people who have seen BASIC INSTINCT, what is your opinion of that scene?

[By the way, I do not have video of the scene, but you can find a still-shot online. I'm not going to link it, but if you email me at hyperioninstitute@gmail.com and put Jeanne Tripplehorn in the subject line, I will email you the link.]

Rejected Paintings

As I was preparing today's Valentine-themed column, I needed some sexy YET TASTEFUL paintings. I finally found several that worked for me, but there were others I couldn't quite talk that small voice on my shoulder into. The very fact I can only post the links here is probably proof it was a good idea.

However, I wanted you, the Barking Monkeys, to take a look. My question (and there is one): which is your favorite? Be warned: these are JUST PAINTINGS, and they are definitely art, not porn, but let's just say things get a bit nipply around here.

EDIT: Screw it. I'm uploading them. If you don't like them, blow past. They are art, people!

Rejected Painting #1 - Old School Goth Girl

Rejected Painting #2 - Garden Triangle

Rejected Painting #3 - Stripes

Rejected Painting #4 - Fortune Cookie

Which is your favorite?

A Time to Screw

Poll Question of the Week (and if you come to this site ever, you HAVE to leave a comment answering, or your genatalia will fall off).

Le'ts say you HAD to sleep with someone not your spouse/mate/GF/BF/whatever.

Further, let's say that

A) No one will ever find out.

B) Both you and the person will forget after one week

C) It has to be a famous person, not someone you'll run into at lunch. (I'm onto you, Wordnerd.)

Actually, let's ramp it up. You have to sleep with 4 people!

1) - One living person of the opposite sex

2) - One living person of the same sex

3) - One dead person (for the purposes of sex they will come back to life, unless you like it like that, you perv)

4) - One fictional person.

I will give points for the best answer.

I reserve the right to change my mind, but for right now I have:


#1) (opposite sex) Cate Blanchett - find me someone better at what she does than she, and I might consider switching.



#2) (same sex) Thomas Sowell - Possibly the smartest Social Economist in the world: I would hope his tender kisses resulted in increased knowledge for me.





#3) (dead) Joan of Arc - She was deadly fierce, led by God, could ride all day long, and I'm pretty sure was under-age.




#4) (fictional) Aphrodite - She's the embodiment of all Love and Desire. How can you not hit that?


YOUR TURN!

Heath Ledger (Whachu Got?)

I wrote a column that included (among other things) a discussion on the proper pantheon place of Heath Ledger. However, it has become obvious to me that I will not finish editing it for this morning, so before it becomes stale news (i.e., another celeb croaks), I thought we could pick our favorite Heath Ledger movies.

Pick your favorite and the one you think is the best. I got this list from IMDB, excluding TV. It shows the movie, year and his role. For the record, as for "best," I'm torn between MONSTER'S BALL and BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. I think MB might be a tiny bit better, but as I feel that Ledger was terrible in it, I'm inclined to give the nod to Brokeback, where he was fantastic. Actually, for the record, I only thought he was good in two films.

My very favorite film of his (and he didn't actually add a whole lot besides some Australian Mystery Man Mean) is 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU.

What's your vote?


I'm Not There. (2007) .... Robbie Clark
Candy (2006) .... Dan
Casanova (2005) .... Casanova
Brokeback Mountain (2005) .... Ennis Del Mar
The Brothers Grimm (2005) .... Jacob Grimm
Lords of Dogtown (2005) .... Skip
The Order (2003) .... Alex Bernier
Ned Kelly (2003) .... Ned Kelly
The Four Feathers (2002) .... Harry Faversham
Monster's Ball (2001) .... Sonny Grotowski
A Knight's Tale (2001) .... Sir William Thatcher / Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein of Gelderland
The Patriot (2000) .... Gabriel Martin
Two Hands (1999) .... Jimmy
10 Things I Hate About You (1999) .... Patrick Verona

Two Greatest Words Put Together

The other day (okay, it was November, but you get the point), I had an Arby's.

(By the way, quick aside: the new toasted subs at Arby's? Start slappin' your momma.)


Anyway, on one of the packages was this proclamation that went like this (I'm paraphrasing):

Beef and Cheddar: The two best words that could possibly be put together.

So here is my challenge, Barn. Can you top that?

An Observation and a Question

First of all, to all you who watched LSU dismantle Ohio State, a question: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MANY CAMERA CUTS TO THE BANDS?

Seriously: usually they go to the cheerleaders after most plays, and some the sidelines and the crowd (especially if there is a celebrity they can find). But the go-to shot in the game was the LSU or the OSU band! My dad thought the producer had to be a girl. And the cheerleaders were hot, too!

Did anyone else notice this?


Okay, here's my real question:


I'm working on a scientific experiment, and I need to know (for Science, so be adult about this):

On Average, How many times a day do you pee?

I'm totally serious, and I need answers!