Saturday, September 30, 2006

Hey baby, what's your sign?

Hello all you fabulous people!

Sea Hag wants to know what are the best and worst pick-up lines you've ever heard or used, because some of us need a good laugh, and some of us need new material.

Post them in the comments or e-mail them to loveseahag(at)gmail(dot)com, and sometime next week (in other words, when Sea Hag isn't drunk and puking on someone's penny loafers) she'll post the winners.

Sea Hag


Picture This

* McDonald's represents 43% of total U.S. fast food market

* Before most children can speak they can recognize McDonald's

* McDonald's operates more than 30,000 restaurants in more then 100 countries on 6 continents

* McDonald's calls people who eat a lot of their food "Heavy Users"

* McDonald's: "Any processing our foods undergo make them more dangerous than unprocessed foods"

* Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald - he was fired for being too fat

* Only seven items on McDonald's entire menu contain no sugar

* In the U.S., we eat more than 1,000,000 animals an hour

* You would have to walk for seven hours straight to burn off a Super Sized Coke, fry and Big Mac

* French fries are the most eaten vegetable in America

*McDonald's feeds more than 46 million people a day - more than the entire population of Spain

* In 1972, we spent 3 billion a year on fast food - today we spend more than 110 billion

* One in every three children born in the year 2000 will develop diabetes in their lifetime

Are you still lovin' it?

~Lost Goddess

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Perhaps the Christmas present for the man how has everything?

Electronic drum sticks

Electric Drum Sticks that don't need a drum - holy wonderment! Each of these wicked electric drumsticks has a speaker in its base, and when you 'hit' the air with them, they make a great drum sound! Is this just us, or isn't this like everyone's dream come true?

It's almost Friday


If you read the Institute home page often, you already know. If you do not, head over there and see what is up, then come back.

(I'll wait)

I can't believe you! You didn't even pretend to go!

Anyway, I will be away from computers for awhile, and in my absense Bear is in charge of Monkey Barn.

May his reign be great. All hail the mighty Bear!

Lyrical quotation

I don't know about yous guys but I love music. So what I am going to do is post one of my favorite lyrics from some of favorite songs. In the comments you can leave not only your favorite lyrics, but you can help me discuss mine. I might even leave out the name of the song and/or who wrote it. Just for more cool point to peeps in the barn. Let's see how you do.

Today's lyric:"I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl "

And the context in which is was used is:

"Soft spoken with a broken jaw
Step outside but not to brawl
Autumn's sweet we call it fall
I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl"

Can you people of the barn tell me where this came from? Or what you think about these things.

~Goddess Out

P.S. Extra Cool Point to who ever can tell me what movie uses the phrase "yous guys"

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

If this is why men are smarter - then give me a VERY smart man!

Everybody has a secret. What is yours?

I found this blog along time ago when I first started receiving the New York Times by email. It has remained one of my favorite blogs. Next to the barn of course. I have been waiting for my invite to the barn to share it.

Different people from all over the world send in anonymous, hand crafted post cards. Most contain their deepest secret, worst fear or biggest regret. I keep a collection of them on another blog on bebo. This really is a great site. Maybe you'll even find your secret.

John Corbett Smith

So, the other day I am watching The Wonder Years, and I retrospot....John Corbett! He plays Karen's hippie Boyfriend in Season 1 who is a Vegetarian and against the War. And if those two things were not bad enough, he sleeps with another girl, breaking Karen's heart!

I know!

It was a disturbing experience. Every John Corbett performance that I can remember has always been infused with warmth and vitality; what I can only assume is his nature. To see him as this conniving weasel broke my heart.

But this brings me to another point.

Up here in Frozen Canada we have our own Chefs on the Food Network (although some of them are from the US), so I am not sure if you have this dude down there or not.

His name is Michael Smith. He had a show in an Inn, and now he does one show at home (Chef at Home) and one out and around kind of teaching things in a more serous Good Eats kind of way (Chef at Large). He is very enthusiastic about food, sorta like Rachael Ray but without all the cutsieness or competitive issues with her sister.

Basically, he is the man.

I bring him up for this reason: I am convinced he is John Corbett.

I looked for pictoral proof, and have been unable to find pictures that solidify my case. I present two anyway, just for comparison, but you have to see them on TV to understand.

So, I challenge you to leave comments of other celebrities you are convinced (not just similar, but the same), or, better yet, if you have this platform available to you: post their pictures yourself.

It's about fuckin time!!!

Goddess is in the barn, baby!!!

Read it and weep, then weep some more. The barn will never be the same. I can promise you that!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Muppet Madness

I have never seen the Matrix but I love this: it has Rowlf!!!


The DA

For anyone who miss Hermione and the Twins (who are just yummy) is a shot of the DA - Auror Domie!

Love is a Battlefield! Part 9

I have been accused a few times since I started my 'Love is a Battlefield' thing of being a man-basher and a man-hater, so I've come to set the record straight on your totally ignorant asses.

First of all, I love men. LOVE them. I luv, lurve, L-O-V-E me some mens. Second, what I'm hating on in my ramblings is the dating game itself, not on savory guys in general (though, of course, I have poured a little Haterade on a few dudes in particular, but with good reason). Thirdly, if I was hating, you all would know it, for my scathing insults would render any man reading this an instant eunuch. Seriously, I would make several outies into innies, and I have way too much love for the penis for that to ever, ever happen.

So, I have complied a list of my favorite things about men. Ladies, feel free to add your own on here!

Today's lesson: Why I loooooove men!

1. They have chest hair
Yeah, I know that a lot of ladies don't appreciate the chestal fur, but it is my opinion that men are supposed to be hairy. When I see a fuzz-free pec, I just think of a scrawny pre-adolescent 11-year-old dude. Ew.

2. They will carry heavy things
The one reason I don't utilize my Sam's Club membership as much as I should is because I can't get the Econo-Size Pak O' Toilet Paper up the stairs to my apartment. But if you have a dude with big shoulders handy, they'll do it for you happily because guys love to feel all big and strong and helpful. And I love to let a guy be all big and strong and helpful (especially if they don't have a shirt on).

3. They embrace their inner pervert
I know way too many women who are just totally sexually repressed. And it's sad. And no, I don't mean that you're a frigid harridan if you don't own a gimp mask and spurs and 13 different flavors of lube. I mean that most women don't even know themselves well enough to know what they want in bed and what makes them feel good. This is a travesty, if you ask me, and another subject I'll discuss at some other time. But most guys know exactly what they want and are not afraid to bust out some crazy-ass moves that you've only read about while you were reading Cosmo in the bathroom dropping a deuce. Any guy who can flip me around like I'm in Cirque du Soleil is HOT!!!

4. They smell so good when they are fresh out of the shower
There's something about the co-mingled scents of tea tree oil shampoo, Irish Spring soap, shaving cream, toothpaste, and cologne that just makes me completely crazy. And grabby.

5. The can fix my computer
My computer is a magic box that is powered by fairy dust and mouse farts for all I know. Seriously, I have no idea why it works...but that's where a savvy guy comes in and makes that stupid error message go away or puts in more gigs of... some crap I have no idea what they're talking about, but it makes the magic box better, according to them.

Sea Hag

Sunday, September 24, 2006

What will they come up with next???

US hypoallergenic cats go on sale

The world's first specially-bred hypoallergenic cats have gone on sale in the United States.
US biotech firm Allerca says it has managed to selectively breed them by reducing a certain type of protein that triggers allergic reactions.
The cats will not cause the red eyes, sneezing and even asthma that some cat allergy sufferers experience, except in the most acute cases.
Despite costing $3,950 (£2,104), there is already a waiting list to get one.

full story at bbc news -

At just three weeks old these kittens have already been reserved

Whats in a name?: Porn Star or My Little Pony

Take your best shot at this quiz.

My score a paltry 1 out of 12.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Shameless self-promotion

Yeah, so I went and made my own little blog. If anyone has any idea how I can modify the damn thing so that I can do links and stuff like that off to the side (like we have links to our Theme Days and whatnot off to the right), please let me know.

Also, go read what I wrote...I just coined the phrase 'whoremachine'.

Love me! LOVE!

Sea Hag

Friday, September 22, 2006


It's official-one of the Barners ({cough cough} me) has put a bounty of Hyperion's head. Find out why today!!

:) LJS
IMO, Frank Miller may have redeemed himself.


I wasn't as big a fan of Sin City as Hyperion (coff coff fanboy coff coff), but I have always wondered why an event like Thermopylae, chock full of historical significance and photogenic heroism, didn't get alot of cinema time, as opposed to Pearl Harbor (Micheal Bay, yay) or The Alamo. Apparently graphic novels, (I'm thinking V for Vendetta), are the new Hollywood well to draw from.

Could Sir Hillary have used one of these?

I was reading TMQ and among all the zany football nuggets I found this. Living out here in Seattle, where everyone and their unborn children are supposed to adore the outdoors, I found this to be pretty funny. "Gee, I'd love to go hiking, but I don't know about all that walking". I guess it could be useful for people who for various reasons can't go on trails.

Incidentally, if you're not familiar with TMQ (Tuesday Morning Quarterback a.k.a. Gregg Easterbrook), I recommend doing so if you're an NFL fan. I tend to agree with him on many counts, including "Stop me before I blitz again!". Even if you're not an NFL fan, you can at least check out the Cheerleader of the Week.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Evil will always triumph because Good is dumb.

LOS ANGELES, California (Hollywood Reporter) -- Mel Brooks is developing an animated TV series based on his comedy feature "Spaceballs."

Like the 1987 movie, which parodied well-known science-fiction movies, "Spaceballs: The Animated Series" will spoof current blockbusters as well as every genre of entertainment from movies and reality TV to culture and politics.

It is set to debut on cable network G4 in fall 2007. Production has already started on an initial batch of 13 episodes.

Brooks, who will voice two characters in the show, co-wrote the pilot with longtime collaborator Thomas Meehan, who will oversee all writing for the series.


See "The Ring" here, like you've never seen it before!
You have seven days...tick tock!
:) LJS
Domie - jump starting your morning Barn w/ the bean!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Can we call her a tree hugger?

Caution: Naughty photo ahead.



I'm back...with a Pirate vs Ninja flick too!

- Domie-the-red


Dudes, I really hate the header to this blog. That wolf is creepin' me out. Not sure why, but UGH.
Can we do something else?

Fergie Debates + Is that him?

"Blogger the Evil" is refusing to post my pictures. This totally messed up the Institute home page today, but for here, just as well.

The reason being I am not sure I have the heart to post this picture. The link is bad enough.

How it came up: I was arguing with Koz about the "hotness" of Fergie. I think she is a skank in a "Christina Aguillera in 2002" sort of way.

Koz thinks she is the hottest thing on wheels. I told Koz she takes so many drugs to get hyped up before a show she has (on more than one ocassion) pissed herself and not noticed.

Koz pretended to be grossed out, but if anything I think he likes her more.

We ended up arging about this picture. Hot? I would rather have Princess Fergie; I tell you what.

However, do not stare too long at Miss "I am a Skanky Ho." More important matters arise from that picture.

Look at the red headed dude in the back. Imagine he has put on a few pounds since AMERICAN PIE.

Is that or is that not....The Shermanator?

I say hell yeah, Koz says he only cares if the dude can introduce him to Fergie (especially right after she has drank a full quart of gator-ade and two Red Bulls.

What do you think?

Welcome 'Chelle

And a big giant sleepy Howdy to 'Chelle. She is brand new to the Barn, and will be a welcome addition.

How long until others join her? This brings me to another issue.

As I pointed out last weekend (and copied below, just in case you missed it), I willingly temporarily destroyed Monkey Barn in order to get off the Google Search Page for Brittany Bratt.

I did this for my people, to avoid the conflict of interest. Was I thanked? No, but never mind that for now.

As a necessary step, I had to remove everyone who was a member. I fully intended to bring just about everyone back. It just takes a couple of days to get things in motion.

In the meantime, I thought I would give the new people I plan on asking a moment in the sun before they are engulfed by the regulars.

Bear used to be a Monkey Barn guy but I forced his resignation some months ago. I WAS TOTALLY WRONG TO DO THIS, and in apology, I asked him to come back first, to show my contrition.

This morning we welcome 'Chelle. There may be a few others.

You would think after all the loyalty I have shown my Barners, they could trust me a little.

You obviously have not met them. I have already been inundated with emails complaining/asking what is going on. I have been on so many guilt trips in two days my passport is full!

People, have you seen the home page lately? The quotes? The stories? Can you guess the mood I am in? From this point on, any emails whining about temporarily being removed will be posted on here so we all may mock you until your hair falls out. This goes for comments too.

In the meantime, welcome once again to 'Chelle. Enjoy your time in the sun. And welcome back to Bear: you never should have left. In the hours and days to come some of your favorite Barners will be back as well, and the Barn will live ever on.

Unless I get so aggravated I am forced to hire hit men and put contracts out.


It's 4:54 am. God knows why I am up. Maybe to say "good freaking morning!"? Or maybe to write this post?

Actually I think I got up so I could be invited to join the great Monkey Barn crew. Which, I am wondering, why they are not here yet? Maybe it's too early.

I am happy to be here even at 4:56 am.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Every now and then, a new TV show comes around that could really be something special. It is pretty hard to tell just from a first episode, of course. Usually pilots are different from the rest of the series. Changes are made. The cast has to gel, feel their way into characters. But sometimes you can tell. You could tell with CSI, now, what—7 years ago? I could tell with Lost and House almost immediately. Tonight a new show premieres on NBC: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It might—just might—be one of those shows.

The show is about an SNL-type show, behind the scenes. The cast will most likely be pretty big, but the two main characters are Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford. For West Wing Fans, Bradley was Josh Lymon. Imagine Josh, but with a recovering coke problem.

As for Matthew Perry…you know how Chandler was by far the funniest of the Friends, but like Phoebe’s one time boyfriend Rog said, “I’d hate to be there when the laughter stopped.” You always knew Chandler’s humor was his mask to hide the pain.

Imagine all that pain brought to the surface. The humor is still there, but gone are the attempts to hide behind one-liners. Mark it down: Matthew Perry absolutely without a doubt will receive an Emmy Nomination for his character.

Chandler and Josh (I have not yet learned their Studio 60 names, so bear with me) are a talented big time writing/directing team. Four years ago, they were fired from Studio 60, that SNL-type show I was telling you about.

But tonight big things have happened, and they are called back to save the show. What are these big things? Well, that I do not want to ruin for you, as it is a pretty great TV moment, but let us just say that if the name Paddy Chayefvsky means anything to you, a treat is in store.

Even if it is not, you are in for an interesting ride. Creator Aaron Sorkin seems to know what goes on behind the scenes of a TV show. Not only has he created big shows before (like West Wing), but he actually had a show in the past about a TV show: Sports Night. (A show so good but so overlooked that I feel compelled to review the DVDs later in the week.)

If none of those shows ring a bell, where have you been the last few years? You should at least recognize Sorkin from The American President. He is known for his rapid-fire dialogue in talented enemble casts.

The only reservatin I had was Amanda Peet. I have always found her totally devoid of any talent other than taking off her clothes on Camera, and she seems way too young and stupid to be that awesome. However, Hyperion will reserve judgement, for a while. I have a feeling the rest of the cast should make up for her, which you can read about here.

What else can I say? If Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip works, it could be the show everyone is talking about this year. Hey, I am all for well-made procedurals (same type of show each week) and I love well-made cop shows. And I love the genre stuff if it rocks. But when is the last time we had a mainstream ensemble with this level of talent? Not since the heyday of West Wing. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip could be to Television what West Wing was to politics, LA Law was to, well, lawyers, what ER was to hospitals, what Pat Robertson was to all things evil.

Okay, that last one was a joke. But Pat Robertson actually comes up in the pilot, as does the insanity that is the FCC everytime someone dares to mention a controversial subject matter.


I must stop, or I will reveal the entire plot. Look: just watch it, okay? I do not have much to live for these days, and it would make me feel good if I got at least some of you to do the right thing for once.

Weekend Shenaniganz

Over the weekend, there was no template, and this was the only post:

Monkey Barn is on, let us call it a Time Out. The Hyperion Institute will have more details as they become available.

If you showed up looking for Brittany Bratt pictures, You have my sympathy. What had happened was....

See, I work with women. And women (as most of you know), like to get mad at everything. And usually "I" am the "everything." When I put up a banner picture of Brittany Bratt (even though, thanks to some judiciously placed monkey stickers, Brittany was perfectly clothed, enough so that she could possibly have taught at one of the more strict Catholic elementary schools) the women squawked. (I would like to note for the record that several weeks earlier when an array of half-naked men were put on the site--and no men complained, by the way--not a single woman gave a word of protest).

Anyway, the Brittany Bratt thing has led to my stardom, as I am on Google's first page of hits when you type in her name. This caused a flood of new readers, and even though most only stay long enough to find out there are no naked chicks, it is still quite the windfall.

and even though this might be a huge opportunity to grow my regular site (the aforementioned Hyperion Institute) by appealing to this new demographic, if only in a modest way and only to attract them to what I am really about, these women have been loyal to me, and will be loyal to them. (No one ever said I was a success. What can I say?)

So, I repeat: Monkey Barn is on time Out until such time I am no longer the number one search result on Google, At that point we will return, better than ever.

Thanks, and if you came for naked chicks, sorry I could not help.

The only other thing I wanted to mention (since there is no way to transfer this post) were two of the comments. "Anonymous said:"

Anonymous said...

All of these "timeouts" are getting to me. I think I'll stop visiting this site.

It reminds me of this restaraunt that kept changing their hours every other month. I would drive by and it seemed like they were never open. I stopped going. Apparently, so did a few other people because the place is now out of business.

What a shame.

Maybe a few people will read this before it gets pulled down.

6:03 AM

To which I answered:

Hyperion said...

Big loss to lose someone too much of a chicken-shit coward to sign a name to his thoughts.

We only have one rule at the Monkey Barn: if you are going to say something, be man enough to own up to it.

If you ever come out from hiding behind your mommy's skirts you are free to run along and find something more your speed, like Barney.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Lady Jane Scarlett (a retrospective)

As you may be aware from her incredibly subtle International Lady Jane Scarlett Day, we do indeed pause to reflect the wonder that was LJS's birth. (I know what some of you are thinking: just how many days does this broad get? But you trying being a hot-ass pirate, and we will see what we can do.)

(Note: if you are going to bitch about artistic nudity, what are you actually saying is that you think LJS is a slut. If you want that on your conscience, go ahead. Me? I prefer to think of her as one classy....lady)

Lady Jane's first post involved answering questions about herself. We should have known right then.

Lady Jane soon became known for bringing up great philosophical debates, like Pancakes vs. Crepes, questioning the heretical nature of jealousy, or even how to heal someone who wanted to remain broken.

Of course, Lady Jane was known to toot her own horn, and it was not long before she started pimping her own (admittedly awesome) website. The first time, she even made it a contest!

Lady Jane Scarlett was tough, but she did not mind admitting her softer side, like when she spoke of her love for Get Fuzzy, acknowledged what half of Michigan knew: she was easy, her ever-present coffee addiction, or even shyly presented a flower for us to enjoy. (Then there was the day she told the world she danced with a goat.)

But perhaps what Lady Jane Scarlett will best be known for is her in-depth look into the world of pirates and ninja. She started with wondering how awesome a Sith Pirate might be. Soon she revealed who she considered to be the greatest pirate of all. And somehow (please, do not ask me how), Pirates even got into the whole Kirk vs. Picard debate!

Through it all, Lady Jane Scarlett remains an original woman, one hell of a pirate, and a first-class Barner. So raise your glasses with me, as we salute our finest!

(Lord Mullet, the later years)

Friday, September 15, 2006

Which Wolf?

Becuase I like you, I'm going to let you vote on the next Monkey Barn Banner (make sure you click on the pictures for the full effect)








Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Winnie the Cooper

I did a post on the Wonder Years, and it got me to wonderin', what's Winnie Cooper been up to?

You recall she looked like this:

No longer. The following pictures are presented for edumacational purposes. If you have a problem with them, odds are you have deep-seeded emotional issues and should seek treatment immediately:

Bush 'murder' film seals US deal

A controversial British film portraying the fictional assassination of President
George Bush has secured a distribution deal for the US.

Love is a Battlefield! Part 8

As I continue to have fabulous adventures in the Wide World O' Dating, I have discovered that there is an irritating trend amongst my already coupled-up lady friends: they want to give me dating advice.

Now, I have nothing but L-U-V for my peeps, but there is nothing more annoying than a person who married their elementary-school sweetheart giving you pointers on how to meet 'the one,' especially when everyone knows I am the Greatest Pimpette of the Playa Nation, yo! So please, all you attached ladeez, take a Sea Hag's advise and refrain from the following:

Today's lesson: When you least expect it

For the love of everything good and holy, please never, ever say the following phrase to your single friends:

Don't worry, love will happen when you least expect it!'

OK, first of all, shut up, Dr. Phil. You may think what you're saying is helpful, but what it really sounds like is this: The moment you totally and utterly give up every last shread of hope that you'll meet someone who is even remotely worthy of caressing your delicate lady parts on a regular basis, you'll stumble into someone who you'll wind up settling for just to stave off the daily crushing agony of being alone and you can finally stop worrying that you will die by yourself in a studio apartment and they won't find your rat-nibbled corpse for 3 weeks because no one will care that you've been missing for that long and the neighbors will finally complain about the smell.

Second of all: yeah, we all already know that's how it usually happens. You never find a decent man when you're out in your best skanky 'ho threads and your hair looks friggin awesome, and you have on your favorite lacy matching bra and panties set and you shaved everything that needs to be shaved, and your skin has been lotioned up to the peak of softness, oh no. You find a good man when you decide to go to Kroger at 3 a.m. in your blue flannel jammie bottoms with the cowgirls printed on them because you had the most rad brainstorm ever in which you decide that cherry Twizzlers and chocolate Twizzlers would taste even better if they were eaten together (which, sadly, is not true) and you accidentally plow your cart into a dude who is trying to decide between Corn Pops and Fruity Pebbles.

We all know you never strike boyfriend gold when you're sitting in the Barnes & Noble Starbucks cafe sipping chai latte (no whip) and reading a copy of Bust magazine looking all chic and sophisticated, instead, you get asked out by the hot blonde dude at work who you've totally been crushing on for years and on the day you're on your 13th straight hour of your double shift he decides to ask you for your digits even though you look like you got trampled by a herd of hysterical women at a Fillene's Basement clearance on wedding gowns. Seriously, we know. Trust me, we do. Don't rub it in.

So, my attached friends, know that we fabulous singlets love you muchly... but please, shove your advice where all but Customs officers fear to tread.

Sea Hag

What's in a name?

kapgar --


A person who falls into an outhouse and dies

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at

Although I think now would be the time to start going by my given name as this sounds like so much more fun...

kevin --


A poltergeist sent back in time to change the course of history forever

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Amazon offers TV and films online

Backed by top Hollywood studios and TV channels, including Warner Brothers and CBS, Amazon Unbox will offer programmes and films direct to users' computers.

984 Feet Tall!

Schrodinger had this really cool thing on her site, so cool that Hyperion stole it for his main post today.

He said I could steal it too, and said all of you could post your own, but you had to get the details by visiting her site and say one nice thing about her first. nice thing is this: "She's purrrrrty."

And now, 10 things you prolly didn't know about ME!

1. Banging your head against Tobias the River Midget uses 150 calories an hour.

2. Tobias the River Midget is only six percent water!

3. Tobias the River Midget is the traditional gift for a couple on their third wedding anniversary!

4. Tobias the River Midget is 984 feet tall!

5. If the annual Australian Tobias the River Midget crop was laid end to end, it would stretch around the world seven times.

6. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as Tobias the River Midget.

7. Scientists believe that Tobias the River Midget began billions of years ago as an enormous ball of dust and gas!

8. In the 1600s, tobacco was frequently prescribed to treat headaches, bad breath and Tobias the River Midget.

9. Tobias the River Midget can squeeze his entire body through a hole the size of his beak.

10. Tobias the River Midget can usually be found in nests built in the webs of large spiders.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Fair Warning

I want the barn to know this is against my will. Hyperion is standing right next to me with an evil look in his eye! The next words are from him:

Think you, ladies, my kingdom you can take?
Abuse you of this thought my plan will make.
The Barn and all it's Glory ever Mine
Oppose me and my Lightnings you will find.

[I just pointed out that not eveyone is into deciphering Iambic Pentameter, and I asked if I could give it the Tobias Translation. Hyperion said yes.]

Little Pigs, Little Pigs: let me in
Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow you Barn in!

I wanted to end with this picture:

But Hyperion said I had to go with this one:

, writing under threat of torture, and not responsible

Movie Quotes 81-90 (Answers)

Hyperion asked me to post this again since he is, uh, away from the computer and unable to post right now


Hello, gorgeous.




Toga! Toga!




Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.




Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast.




My precious.




Attica! Attica!




Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!




Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!




Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.




A martini. Shaken, not stirred.




This exchange between Hyperion and me, happened this morning.

Hyperion: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Hyperion: What are you doing?
Me: I just bought 54 kilograms of chicken.
Hyperion: Why did you buy 54 kilograms of chicken.
Me (deadpan): Because I was hungry.

Silence for 5 seconds.

Hyperion: (Laughs hysterically for the next 5 minutes.) You've got to post this exchange!

~ Queen Kaida

Dragon's riddles

Heres another riddle for you. I've put the answer in the comments.

I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one.
I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Two-wheeled critters are people too

If you ever want to see that is it possible for a blog entry to drip with irony and sarcasm, check out my open letter. Enjoy, and please be kind to bicyclists!
:) LJS

Take a gander at these sidewalks...

Playing Tonight at the Texas School Book Depository!


Bloodless coup?

Hyperion has been, shall we say, a little out of control these days with his fixation on Britney Bratt and other naked women. I, for one, have had enough and decided to take action. I asked politely. I asked nicely. I asked coyly. I asked seductively. Nothing worked. He refused to give in and take down the Britney Bratt photo. So, I stopped asking.

A while back I used my cunning and feminine wiles to trick him into giving me the password for this site. Just between you and me, it wasn’t all that hard. All it took was a promise of beef jerky and a tummy rub. Men - they’re so easy. I bid my time until this morning, when I logged on as Hyperion, gave myself admin access and kicked him out of the barn. He is officially on a time out until he gets his problem under control or he buys me something shiny (which ever comes first).

Ding Dong the Overlord is gone. Long live the Queen.

~ Queen Kaida


Since Koz is working at the CDC Blogger is blocked at work. However, always the team player, Koz emailed me this morning and asked if I'd post for him. (And when you see what the post is, you'll know for certain it's not me, as the post IS A DIRECT COMPETITOR!!!!!)

Anyway, Koz found a site called FOUR WORD FILM REVIEW. If you need more explanation than that, you're probably not intelligent enough to access the site.

Koz writes that his favorite review (so far) is from GOYA'S GHOSTS:

Goya's Ghosts (2006)
Padme flashes her Naboo-bies.

And he asks that if you visit, leave your favorite review you run across in the comments here.

Great Movies Quotes (Part II)

It was pointed out by more than one person that yesterday's Movie Quotes were not all they could be, owing chiefly to my putting the answers in the Comments, and so soon.

Ever the supple reed that bows gracefully to my readers' will (see previous post if you don't believe me), I will post the answers to today's 10 Movie Quotes on tomorrow's chapter. (Got that?)

As before, please do not cheat. If you're really brave, go ahead and put your guesses in the Comments. If you do that, DO NO LOOK AT ANYONE ELSE'S GUESSES!

By the way: these 10 are really hard. Even I didn't get them all. If you get 5 you should strain a rotator cuff patting yourself on the back.

Brittany Bratt Redux

You can't believe the number of emails I received yesterday from people upset at the new Monkey Barn Picture.

"I can't have it up at work."

"It's not becoming."

"Since when is this a porn site?"

But here's the thing: All of these emails, every single one of them, WERE FROM WOMEN. You're going to tell me that not a single guy had problems with the picture at work?

Of course they didn't. The girl was properly covered with monkeys. (Now there's a phrase you don't hear every day.)

The whole "work" thing was just a smokescreen for women who were uncomfortable.

Well, except for one of you. For obvious reasons I won't say who, but I did get one letter that read (in part),

"Great pic! Nice to finally have some competition at that Barn. I was beginning to fear my hotness would start to erode next to some of the girls you have in there now. At least this way there's competition!"

Ah, the Barn.

Anyway, in the new picture I have covered even more skin. Poor Brittany is practically a nun now. You can't possibly object!

(By the way: there is an actual reason to do this. I appreciate those of you who, before taking my head off, at least asked what I was up to. I am engaged in Scientific activity here. No, really.)

Love is a Battlefield! Part 7

Congratulations! In between shifting paradigms and being proactive, you developed a crush on a fellow co-worker. Way to think outside of the box!

But what should you do about it? Common sense and dozens of crappy romantic comedies have shown you that it is not a great idea to pursue anyone at work, as you will become a prime candidate for office gossip and if you break up, the awkwardness will suck all asses.

But then again...working together gives you an automatic lunch buddy, having access to his personnel file makes stalking him so much easier, you can finally fulfill that fantasy where you have sex on top of the fax machine, and hell, you already know he has a good job.

So what's a little cubicle monkey to do? Never fear, for Sea Hag loves you and has devised a test to determine if you should dip into the office pool.

Today's lesson: Mixing business with pleasure

All questions are yes/no.
1. Is he your supervisor?
2. Are you his supervisor?
3. Do you work in the same department?
4. Do you work on the same floor or building?
5. Does he look good in his biz-cas gear? I mean, is he totally rockin' the Dockers or what?
6. No, really, he doesn't wear the same three lame, stretched-out, bleach-spotted, faded polo shirts over and over again, does he?
7. Can you imagine what his sex face will look like?
8. Does the thought of it make you giggle?
9. If you told another co-worker you two were dating, would they give you a high-five?
10. Does he have any Dilbert cartoons or those weird, cult-y 'be inspired by teamwork' posters anywhere in his cubicle?
11. Does he have his cell phone clipped to his belt?
12. Does he smell like he splashed around in a birdbath full of Davidoff Cool Water before he came in to work?

If you answered yes to 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10, 11 or 12, give yourself one point for each 'yes' response.
If you answered no to 5, 7 or 9, give yourself one point for each 'no' response.

9-12 points- Hells no!
I don't care how hot he looks while he's making coffee or bent over the copy machine, this has catastrophe written all over it. What were you thinking? Where was your brain?

5-8 points- Good for an occasional hook-up
This guy will be good for a sloppy make-out session after the office Christmas party, but not much else.

0-4 points- You've struck boyfriend gold!
Hope you keep a box of condoms in your purse, because you are in for a lot of naked fun time in the elevator. Plus you can rub it in all your co-worker's faces that you are banging the office hottie.

Sea Hag
loveseahag(at)gmail(dot) com

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

New Transformers Movie Optimus Prime Pics

Complete with before and after photos.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

You give me a spoon and I’ll give you the whole world

In honour of tonight’s season premiere of House, enjoy some of the funny side of Hugh Laurie.

I laughed myself silly.


Looks like I'll be excommunicated then?!?

Pope's senior exorcist: Harry Potter downright evil

Pope Benedict XVI's senior exorcist claims the Harry Potter books contain innumerable positive references to magic, "the satanic art". "Behind Harry Potter hides the signature of the king of the darkness, the devil," he told Vatican Radio. And according to the Daily Mail newspaper in London, he added the books attempt to make a false distinction between black and white magic, when in fact, the distinction "does not exist, because magic is always a turn to the devil."All I have to say is... he's an exorcist, what did you expect him to say?

(source: Mugglenet - the best Harry Potter site -

Movie Quotes (Part I)

Okay, so here's the game:

A few years ago the American Film Institute came out with their 100 Greatest Movie Quotes in American movie history. Not saying their list is definitive, but it's a pretty good list. Now, you may have seen that list when it came out, but chances are you can't remember it now.

So, our goal is to guess which movie each quote is from, WITHOUT CHEATING (and I'm talking to you, Kapgar and Lady Jane Scarlett)

I will put the answers in the Comments. Do your best to guess. Maybe have the people at work guess too. You can click on the image for a bigger view, and send that URL around to office-mates, if you want.

Good luck!

Monkey Barn Interviews (X()

[The Monkey Barn Interviews march on, this time with our newest star....Sea Hag. She's the author of the hit series LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD and you can write and ask her your question at The interview was conducted on Google Chat, and everyone was sober...I think]

Hyperion: Welcome, Axis and Allies once again to "Get to Know your Monkey Barner." Today we have Sea Hag, original member and all around star. Jumping right in, how can Monkey Barn achieve world Peace?

Sea Hag: By encouraging everyone to get laid more.

Hyperion: consider it done! Speaking of which, how did you come up with "Love is a Battlefield" ?

Sea Hag: I've had many an adventure in the Wide World o' Dating, first of all, and some of the, 'interesting' people I've come across need to be shared with the world at large for the purpose of being mocked severely. Also, I wanted to give props to Pat Benetar.

Hyperion: speaking of PB, if you could add one famous person to Monkey Barn, who would it be and why?

Sea Hag: Wow, that's a tough one. I could go for the MacGyver answer because he'd be so versatile. Or I could pick someone like Paris Hilton to make us all look smarter and provide us all with an example of what an oxygen thief looks like. But I think I'm going to go with Nathan Fillion because he's so charming and funny, and he will always have a special place in my heart. And my panties.

Hyperion: I'm not sure that will fly. As should be obvious by the guys we keep around, I'm not too keen on any of them being better looking than I. But moving on (and oddly, for the third question in a row, appropriately segueing), how long have you been an actual sea hag? Were you born that way? Was it an evil curse?

Sea Hag: First of all, Nathan Fillion is so super-fine that he will make all the Monkey Barn mens all hot and bothered. Also, if they are really nice to the ladies, maybe they can watch. Anyway, out of my panties and back to the question at hand.

I've been an actual Sea Hag for about 13 years. I believe it was a combination of fabulous genetics and a curse that made me the Sea Hag I am today. But you tell the story of my origins much better, my dear Hyperion.

Hyperion: if only I wasn't bound by Overload/Barner privilege! Speaking of the clubhouse, let's say you're going to organize a game night. What games do we play? How does it all go? Give us a play by play

Sea Hag: Game night, eh? Well, we would play classics like Scrabble and Clue...except we'd be playing the Drunken Versions of said games. So after a while the Scrabble players would be making up words and not be able to keep score, and the Clue players will try to actually injure each other with the tiny weapons they put in that game. Someone will start to sing, a few ladies will take off their shirts.

Several people will puke. Two or three people will regret hooking up in the bathroom. I will wake up underneath the coffee table.

Hyperion: you won't believe this, but that totally leads to the next question: you know how at Braves games they play a snippet of a song when someone comes up to bat, and they get to pick their song? What song would you want played when you entered the room?

Sea Hag: me talking about puke and drunkenness leads to a question about my theme song?

Hyperion: you said there was singing!

Sea Hag: Um...right. Well, Chipper Jones already has the best intro song with 'Crazy Train', so I'm going to have to go with 'Take It Off' by The Donnas.

It's a great 'hooray for penis!' song.

Hyperion: I'm all for that! This leads to our last question. Back to that game night. At the end we decide to play "seven minutes in heaven." The rules say you can take more than one person into the closet with you. Who do you take, and what happens in those seven minutes? Give us a blow by blow

Sea Hag: Heh heh...blow by blow.

Sea Hag: Well, it's pretty obvious that I'd take you, as you're destined to be one of my husbands eventually, so I have to keep you strung along until that day. Anyway, remember that one time I came by on Easter? It'd be like that. Only with more Marshmallow Peeps.

Also, so far no one else has wanted to include me in any of their Monkey Barn shenanigans, so they don't deserve any naked time with me.

Hyperion: Whew! And that's all the time we have. thanks to S.H., and join us next time when we ask, What's in YOUR Barner?

Riding the Brittany Bratt wave

I've finally decided to give up my snobbish objections to Monkey Barn's recentl popularity (due to mentioning NAKED BRITTANY BRATT) and embrace the phenomenon.

Accordingly, we have a new picture, motto and quote of the day. Actually, the quote is from Deadwood, which started on the History Channel yesterday, but you it all ties in, I suppose.

First the motto:

We've got Monkeys....We've got Brittany Bratt. What more could you need?

The quote:

"God rest the souls of that poor family......and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes." - Al Swearengen, owner of a saloon (and whorehouse) in Deadwood

(Speaking of Deadwood: The History Channel should be running repeats of last night's first two episodes. If you have cable but never caught this on HBO, it's well worth it. For proof, see my review of Deadwood.)

And the picture:

I hope you're all happy

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Row over Bush TV 'assassination'

The Republican Party in Texas has said it is "shocking" and "disturbing" that a TV drama is to depict the assassination of US President Bush.
Death of a President uses archive footage, actors and computer effects to portray the president being shot dead.
UK broadcaster Channel 4, who made the mock documentary, said it explored the effects of the War on Terror on the US
He said: "It's an extraordinarily gripping and powerful piece of work, a drama constructed like a documentary that looks back at the assassination of George Bush as the starting point for a very gripping detective story.
"It's a pointed political examination of what the War on Terror did to the American body politic.
"I'm sure that there will be people who will be upset by it but when you watch it you realise what a sophisticated piece of work it is.
"It's not sensationalist or simplistic but a very thought-provoking, powerful drama. I hope people will see that the intention behind it is good."
Death of a President will be shown on More4 on 9 October.

Streams in the Desert

I'm not sure what you call these. Hyperion found them the other day. He told me I could post them if I took out all the sexually offensive ones.


"A Visit To The Dentist"
By Lord Howitt-Hertz

"Brown Spots On the Wall"
By Hu Fling Pu

By Henrietta Mann

"Fat Bottomed Girls"
By Hugh Janus

"First In The Form"
By Hedda De Classe

"Five Miles To The Nearest Toilet"
By Willie Maykit and Betty Wont
- Illustrated by Andy Diddant

"Fooling Around"
By Joe King

"Forest Freedom"
By Lucinda Woods

"Harbouring A Chinese Fugitive"
By Hu Yu Hai Ding

"Hernia On The Yangtze"
By Won Hung Low

"Hole In The Mattress"
By Mr. Completely

"Homosexuality: A Rough Guide"
By Dick Sukka

"Homosexuality For Beginners"
By Ben Dover

"Homosexuality In Scotland"
By Ben Doone
& Phil McCavitty

"Laying Carpets"
By Walter Wall

"Leaving Things Until The Last Minute"
By Justin Time

"Leaving Your Country"
By Emma Grate

"Lion Tamer's Manual"
By Claude Allovah

"Love In Old Mexico"
By L. Rotten Crotcho

"Out On Parole"
By Freda Convict

By L. E. Fant

"Performing '69' In Japan"
By Tu Can Chu

"Russian Torture"
By: Hugh Bitchacockov

"Rustle In The Bushes 1"
By Izzie Honour

"Rustle In The Bushes 2"
By Willie Gettit

"Set Fire To The Taxman"
By Bernardette Collector

By I. Malone

"Speed Reading"
By Paige Turner

"Streams In The Desert"
By I.P. Freely

"The Chinese Man With One Testicle"
By Wot Went Wong

"The Overpopulation of China"
By Wi Fuk M Yung

"The Chinese Youth"
By Won Yung Gai

"The Easy Lay"
By Carmen Gettit

"The History Of Human Civilisation From 1 A.D. To Present Day"
By Anne O'Domini

"The Inevitable Occurrence"
By Sue Nora Layter

"The Largest Bra In The World"
By Norma Stitz

"The Open Kimono"
By Seymour Hair

"The Size Of My Penis"
By Mike Oxlong

"The Thirsty Diner"
By Phil McCuppup

"The Trail In The Sand"
By Dick Dragon

"The Unhappy Customer"
By Mona Lott

"The Worst Weekend In My Life"
By Helen Back

"Thunder in the Night"
By Henrietta Bean

"Tomcat's Revenge"
By Claude Balls

"Under The Grandstand"
By Seymour Butts

"Viagra: What It Can Do For You"
By Hugh G. Rection

"Weeds In My Garden"
By Dan D. Lyon

"Wonderful Sex Life"
By Mona Lott

"Wrist Exercises"
By Wayne King

If you think of any more, leave them in the Comments!


"Foot Fetishists of the World, Unite!"
By Tobias