Monkey Barn Interviews (X()

[The Monkey Barn Interviews march on, this time with our newest star....Sea Hag. She's the author of the hit series LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD and you can write and ask her your question at loveseahag@gmail.com The interview was conducted on Google Chat, and everyone was sober...I think]

Hyperion: Welcome, Axis and Allies once again to "Get to Know your Monkey Barner." Today we have Sea Hag, original member and all around star. Jumping right in, how can Monkey Barn achieve world Peace?

Sea Hag: By encouraging everyone to get laid more.

Hyperion: consider it done! Speaking of which, how did you come up with "Love is a Battlefield" ?

Sea Hag: I've had many an adventure in the Wide World o' Dating, first of all, and some of the more...um, 'interesting' people I've come across need to be shared with the world at large for the purpose of being mocked severely. Also, I wanted to give props to Pat Benetar.

Hyperion: speaking of PB, if you could add one famous person to Monkey Barn, who would it be and why?

Sea Hag: Wow, that's a tough one. I could go for the MacGyver answer because he'd be so versatile. Or I could pick someone like Paris Hilton to make us all look smarter and provide us all with an example of what an oxygen thief looks like. But I think I'm going to go with Nathan Fillion because he's so charming and funny, and he will always have a special place in my heart. And my panties.

Hyperion: I'm not sure that will fly. As should be obvious by the guys we keep around, I'm not too keen on any of them being better looking than I. But moving on (and oddly, for the third question in a row, appropriately segueing), how long have you been an actual sea hag? Were you born that way? Was it an evil curse?

Sea Hag: First of all, Nathan Fillion is so super-fine that he will make all the Monkey Barn mens all hot and bothered. Also, if they are really nice to the ladies, maybe they can watch. Anyway, out of my panties and back to the question at hand.

I've been an actual Sea Hag for about 13 years. I believe it was a combination of fabulous genetics and a curse that made me the Sea Hag I am today. But you tell the story of my origins much better, my dear Hyperion.

Hyperion: if only I wasn't bound by Overload/Barner privilege! Speaking of the clubhouse, let's say you're going to organize a game night. What games do we play? How does it all go? Give us a play by play

Sea Hag: Game night, eh? Well, we would play classics like Scrabble and Clue...except we'd be playing the Drunken Versions of said games. So after a while the Scrabble players would be making up words and not be able to keep score, and the Clue players will try to actually injure each other with the tiny weapons they put in that game. Someone will start to sing, a few ladies will take off their shirts.

Several people will puke. Two or three people will regret hooking up in the bathroom. I will wake up underneath the coffee table.

Hyperion: you won't believe this, but that totally leads to the next question: you know how at Braves games they play a snippet of a song when someone comes up to bat, and they get to pick their song? What song would you want played when you entered the room?

Sea Hag: me talking about puke and drunkenness leads to a question about my theme song?

Hyperion: you said there was singing!

Sea Hag: Um...right. Well, Chipper Jones already has the best intro song with 'Crazy Train', so I'm going to have to go with 'Take It Off' by The Donnas.

It's a great 'hooray for penis!' song.

Hyperion: I'm all for that! This leads to our last question. Back to that game night. At the end we decide to play "seven minutes in heaven." The rules say you can take more than one person into the closet with you. Who do you take, and what happens in those seven minutes? Give us a blow by blow

Sea Hag: Heh heh...blow by blow.

Sea Hag: Well, it's pretty obvious that I'd take you, as you're destined to be one of my husbands eventually, so I have to keep you strung along until that day. Anyway, remember that one time I came by on Easter? It'd be like that. Only with more Marshmallow Peeps.

Also, so far no one else has wanted to include me in any of their Monkey Barn shenanigans, so they don't deserve any naked time with me.

Hyperion: Whew! And that's all the time we have. thanks to S.H., and join us next time when we ask, What's in YOUR Barner?