Finish The Sentence With Sea Hag

The first time I really felt like I was an adult was when I ______________.

Finish your sentence in the comments!

I Hate Everyone: People In Commercials

So I was over on The Slate a few weeks ago reading the Ad Report Card and the guy who normally writes it is going on some sabbatical bullshit and I'm all upset about it because I have a total crush on him. I mean, he's such a funny, smart-ass writer that I'd totally sit on his face and I don't even know what the guy looks like, so that's how awesome he is.

Anyway, his parting article was a short collection of ads people hate. It was OK, but it made me think of the time in my high school English class my junior year when my teacher announced that she wished that she could put The Wolfman and Donna (two local people who sold furniture and did totally lame commericals for it) into a box and fly them into the center of the sun. So in honor of Mrs. Federovich and Seth Stevenson, I compiled my own list of

People in Commericals Who I Wish I Could Put In A Box And Fly Into The Center Of The Sun:

1. The couple from the Sonic commericals

Sweet grape cream slush, if this is what marriage is like I'd rather try to beat myself to death with a New Balance sneaker. These ads show a couple who are sitting in the Sonic drive-in enjoying whatever the frosty drink special of the month is while they barely contain their contempt for each other. The wife is a stuck-up bitch and the husband is a total asstard, and therein lies the hilarity, I guess. I mean, the woman married the guy, how did she not realize the guy was an immature idiot? And what does she have to bitch about anyway, the guy takes her to Sonic all the time! How can anyone be pissy at a Sonic drive-thru? This one time they gave away FREE root beer floats! A girl who has this big tray of condiments walks around to all the cars and asks if you want more ketchup! There are few things more awesome than that.

2. The chorus from the Rondo commercials

First of all, Kias are just one step up from a roller skate. Second of all, 'Rondoism' is a totally stupid made-up word. Third, the people are singing around San Francisco and everyone knows that they only drive Toyota Priuses there. But most importantly, these people need to be destroyed because they're so damn loud: LET THE SUN SHINE IN! LEEEET THE SUN SHINE IN! THE SUUUUUN SHINE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

3. The 'Messin' With Sasquatch' guys

The theme of these commericals seems to be that if you eat Jack Links Beef Jerky you are a complete dickhead. And yes I know that Big Foot isn't real and it's just a guy in a suit that they're pulling pranks on, but it's comes across as being really mean-spirited and douche-y.

4. The guys dressed up like Whoppers on the Burger King commericals

First of all, these commericals are just plain stupid, and the latest one shows the Dad Whopper busting in on a Chicken Sandwich kid making out with his daughter, and he can't get through the bedroom door to kick the Chicken Sandwich kid's buns (heh). Um, why isn't his daughter a Burger King food product? And how did he get into the front door but not the bedroom door? Why did he buy a house that he couldn't fit through the doors anyway?

5. The Berries & Creme Starburst guy

This guy is just... so, so wrong. So very creepy. I get 'The Uh-oh Feeling' every time I see this commerical. Plus his irises have no color, so that's proof that he's the undead.

Love is a Battlefield! Part 21

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know it's been awhile, but I've been busy... with your mama! Sorry, I couldn't help myself, but I am still here and more importantly I'm back with all sorts of new information and advice for you fabulous people out there. So let's start things off right with a visit to my inbox for some more Ask A Hag:

Sea Hag,

Who do you think should pay for a first date? Shouldn't the person who asked pay?

Tim

Dear Tim,

I sincerely hope you are asking this question because you're just curious and not because some girl asked you out and you don't want to pay for a date, because seriously, dude, you seem like the kind of guy whose only sexual experiences come from cybering with 'female' characters from World of Warcraft.

But I digress.

Yes, the conventional wisdom of the day does say that whoever asked should pay (which, I guess, is an evolution of the phrase whoever smelt it, dealt it). However, there are many situations that fall into a gray area, such as blind dates or casual get-togethers. To overcome this obstacle, I have combined the awesomeness of my knowledge with the um... math-ness... of math to give you:

Today's Lesson: Using Math for Sex

(G + F) x (T + C + 1) / (E + W - R) - S

Where...

G = Gender

G = 10 points if you are a male, 5 if you are a female

F = Who Asked First

F = 1 point if you asked first. If you didn't ask first, then F = 0

T = Toast

Is toast awesome? 1 point for yes, 0 for no.

C = Casualness Of Date

On a scale on 1 - 10, how casual is this date?

Examples: 1 = Meeting at a Dumpster near a hot dog stand on a streetcorner, 5 = Meeting for lunch, 10 = Meeting your date at the airport for a trip to meet the Pope for dinner.

E = Number Of Events Planned For Date

Meeting for dinner? E = 1 point. Meeting for dinner and a movie? Two points. (And no, sex does not count as a planned event).

W = Day of the Week

1 point for weekdays, 2 for weekend days.

R= Money Spent Getting Ready for Date

Did you have your car washed? Get a pedicure? Buy new shoes to show off your pedicure? Buy a new dress to go with your new shoes? Buy a purse to go with your new dress? Deduct the total whole dollar amount you spent to prepare for your date here.

S = Sob Story Factor

If the person you are going on a date with has recently complained about the following, S = 20 points. Examples: Being unemployed, dying relatives, acid rain, car troubles, dead pets, back pain, alien abductions, stalked by ex, stalking ex, house just burned down, or recently plagued by tapeworms.

Or, you know what you could do? Open up your pie hole and talk about it. You could say "I'm a little old-fashioned, would you mind if I paid for you?" or "I don't mind paying for my half" or

"It's my treat." You could say "If I pick up dinner, do you mind getting the movie?" Or you could grow a pair and just pay for a first date like a gentleman, and ladies could graciously accept this treat and pick up the tab next time (if you give the guy another date).

Love,

Sea Hag

Haggish

New Motto: Why Killyourself? Life will do it for you

New Picture (suggested by Sea Hag; I am fairly certain it is a self-portrait):

Love is a Battlefield! Part 20

Hello everyone! Sea Hag's back from her most recent (drunken) adventures with a pocket full of Xanax and a tattoo that says 'Larry' on her upper left thigh. So, Larry, wherever (and whoever) you are, know that I don't remember you now, but I'm sure at one point I found you so indescribably rad that I chose to commemorate your name forever upon my body. You know, come to think of it, maybe I was talking about 'Perfect Strangers' and got fixated on Cousin Larry whilst on my fourth bottle of butterscotch schnapps. Crap.

Anyway, last time I was here I addressed the issue of women dating men who are going through a divorce, and how that was pretty much one of the dumbest things you could do (besides getting yourself a tattoo of a name of a character on a cheesy '80s sitcom). But a few readers wondered what the female equivalent of Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy would be, and if those ladies would also be considered fruit from the Forbidden Dating Tree. So I shall devote this particular entry of Love is a Battlefield to that topic:

Today's lesson: On The Rebound Part 2

Almost-Divorced Rebound Ladies are awesome and men should do everything in their powers to date them and shower them with gifts.

I hope that answers everyone's question.

Love,

Sea Hag

...What, you're still here? Oh, you wanted me to do a Love Is A Battlefield that wasn't dripping with self-serving advice? What are you people smoking?

Fine, fine, I'll be a bit more objective this time. You're so demanding.

Let's say there is a particular fine-ass lady you've had your eye on for quite some time, and one day you happen to learn that she is going through a divorce. "Huzzahs!" you cry....but wait, is running after Almost-Divorced Rebound Lady a good idea, or are you about to embark on a vacation to Regretsville? Weigh in these facts first:

1. Emotional Rollercoaster Deluxe

Like her male counterpart, a female divorcee will be in dire need of some Prozac during this transitional phase. Expect scattered crying storms, followed by moods in the upper bitter temperatures.

2. Is Looking For A Replacement Man

A lot of Almost-Divorced Rebound Ladies are hunting for Husband #2 before the ink is dry on their divorce decree, the top reasons for this being they need the money and/or a dad for their little brats. However, many women go to the opposite end of this spectrum and are...

3. Going Through The 'You Go, Girl' Phase

This includes such activities as losing weight, joining a book club, cutting/dyeing your hair, and going back to school. She can change the oil in her car and mow the grass and all those other things her husband used to do because, dude, she's every woman and doesn't need your sorry ass around.

So, there you have it, Almost-Divorced Rebound Lady in a nutshell. Go forth and conquer, but remember, you've been warned.

Love,

Sea Hag

It's Sea Hag's World (we're just livin' in it)

"You're here because you...want something"

This week's picture and motto brought to you by Sea Hag!

Love is a Battlefield! Part 19

Last night my cohort Noochie was telling me about a friend of his who is about to embark on a magical, mystical journey to a place that I have traveled to many a time: Divorceland. It's actually a pretty nice place; hell, most everyone you know's been there at least once. (Ask for The Sea Hag Special- stay 5 times, get a 6th for free).

Anyway, said friend was contemplating his upcoming single life and all its perks and privileges and I thought to myself: Ladies of metro Atlanta, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! For there is about to be a monster of unspeakable horror unleashed upon you, and its name is Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy.

Today's lesson: On the rebound

Yes, everyone needs some lovin', but there are some people you really want to avoid like the plagues of Egypt. The obvious asshat ones have been discussed here before, but there is one type of guy in particular that uses a unique brand of ninja-stealth to get an invite to your pants party and get his wiggles out: the guy going through a divorce. Now, many of you might think that a Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy wouldn't be an ideal dating candidate to begin with, but let us take a closer look and discover why so many of us have fallen into this trap:

1. He knows how to treat a lady

I can't tell you how many guys I've had to 'break in' (heh heh, not like that, but still... heh heh) to get them in the mindset of acting like a partner and not being a self-centered tard monkey, so it's very comforting to find a guy who knows that Your Birthday Should Be Considered A National Holiday, and, praise (insert the deity of your choice), leaves the seat down without argument.

2. He is used to being in a committed relationship

More than likely, Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy knew his ex-wife for a long time, and sometimes their relationship was the only one he's ever known, so he has either forgotten how to act like a Dating Douchebag, or never learned how in the first place.

3. He can earn serious sympathy points

For some reason, a guy who is heartbroken is just irresistible to women, especially if he was (or convinced you that) he was the 'wronged' party.

See, it's starting to sound so tempting now...but here's what you're really in store for:

1. Emotional Rollercoaster Deluxe

Try going on a date with someone who is angry, depressed, sad, clingy, fearful, lonely, guilty, confused, vengeful, hopeless, anxious, moody, euphoric...all often within minutes of each other.

2. Sweet, sweet revenge!

Chances are, you are being used for revenge against his ex, and/or to prove to himself that he's still a big, studly dude...and once your role is fulfilled, you're going to be out on your ass, guaranteed.

3. Chewy chunks of karmic yuckiness

I don't know what it is, but there is a sort of scuzzy feeling about dating someone who is still technically married, and you will never, ever feel more heartbroken and disgusted with yourself if he gets a phone call and he tells you 'I have to answer that, it's my wife'.

So, if you hear that Hot Guy Who Mows His Lawn Shirtless got left by his wife for the guy who sells plywood at Home Depot, or that Ted With The Nice Ass From Accounting just filed for a divorce, please give them at least a year to stop being crazy and get over Rebound Mode unless you're some kind of deranged glutton for punishment.

Love,

Sea Hag

Love is a Battlefield! Part 18

My last Love is a Battlefield entry was for all you spazzes out there who hate Valentine's Day, so it's only fair to devote this one to those who actually partake and therefore give me an opportunity to turn it into an Epic Love is a Battlefield Two Part Holiday Extravaganza!

Today's lesson: Valentine's Day is for appreciators

So, you went and found yourself a date for Valentine's Day...so what, you think you're better than the rest of us now? Pppft! It was just last year that you were calling me at 1:30 in the morning drunk on Nyquil and listening to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' on repeat and sobbing about how you'd never find anyone.

Anyway, I honestly don't think that the idea of Valentine's Day is so bad; I mean, I think most of us get caught up in our day-to-day lives that it's nice to have a day that couples can set aside as their own to celebrate their relationship.

So, what are you going to do to celebrate? Sea Hag has some ideas for you clueless gentlemen out there. First of all, remember how you thought it would be a great idea to get your lady a Dustbuster for Christmas? Remember the look on her face when she opened it in front of her family? Yeah. Now is the time for atonement for your gift-giving sins with diamonds. Huge, eye-searing diamonds set in platinum. And chocolate. And a trip to the spa. And a new car. And maid service. And a case of vanilla vodka. And a chimpanzee with a fez riding on a unicorn. Whatever you did last year, you HAVE to top it or else your manhood will be called into question. Remember, nothing says 'I love you' like her name in tattoo form! (And let me just say that even if your chica declares that she hates Valentine's Day and doesn't want a thing out of you...well, that's Crazy Girl Speak for At Least Acknowledge The Fact That It's Valentine's Day And Make An Effort Anyway. Trust me on this.)

And ladies, it's your job on Valentine's Day to treat your man to a trip between your thighs. Lingerie helps, and if you don't have anything skimpy you can always improvise! Unleash your creative side with a Bedazzler and some dental floss! Vaseline and some corn starch can be very sexy too, or you can be like Kendra from The Girls Next Door and use "two Band-Aids and a cork".

Sea Hag hopes that whatever it is you decide to do to celebrate this warm and fuzzy day, you get laid and you later thank Sea Hag appropriately for it. I accept all major credit cards, cash, PayPal, and shiny beads.

love,

Sea Hag

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 17

Happy Valentine's Day Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve my fabulous readers! Are you getting all lubed up for this greatest of all awesome holidays or what?!?

Like most all other holidays, I think Valentine's Day was a lot better when you were little and your class had a party and you passed out those little cards with The Transformers or Jem and the Holograms on them to everyone and you got to make construction paper mailboxes and eat Red Hots and Conversation Hearts and the cupcakes that the popular girl's mom made. Today, I'm vaguely indifferent to Valentine's Day. Any enthusiasm for it was totally squashed when the dude I was dating my sophomore year in high school forgot about it. Asshole.

Today's lesson: Valentine's Day is for haters

But man, there are a lot of people who just totally hate them some Valentine's Day with a passion that makes them wish they had laser cannons mounted in their chests so they could kill those dicks at DeBeers and Hallmark. Haters seem to fall into these categories:

1. Overwhelmed-By-Marketing People

Yeah, it's really hyped up and commercialized and people get tired of hearing about it, but I get tired of car ads around President's Day and I sure as hell don't waste energy on hating President's Day.

2. Lonely Hearts

A lot of people despise V-Day because they don't have anyone to celebrate it with. Yeah, that sucks, but view it as just another day and buy yourself a big-ass thing of chocolates and eat until the nougat-y goodness fills the void in your life.

3. People With Clueless Partners

This might be worse than not having a sweetheart on Valentine's Day because you're expecting something and you get a big box full of nothing. This year, let your hubby know that Valentine's present = pussy and he will never, ever forget.

4. Conspiracy Theorists

Yes, yes, we all realize Valentine's Day is just a huge scam by the greeting card, chocolate and diamond companies to take over the world. But wait... those same people are responsible for Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays and bar/bat mitzvahs... OH NOES IT'S TRUE!!!! Sheesh, no wonder why you people don't have a girlfriend.

So, for all you haters out there, I feel you. Just remember that Sea Hag will always love you. But then again, I think you're a whiny dork for actually getting upset over a lame holiday. Cheer up...after all, tomorrow is another day (full of Easter decorations)!

Love,

Sea Hag

Tune in next time for another Love is a Battlefield installment for all you deranged people who actually like Valentine's Day.

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 16

Hello you sexy beasts! I hope everyone out there had a fabulous New Years, mine was so rad that I am just now recovering from it. Seriously.

Anyway, I hope everyone made a New Year's resolution to blindly follow Sea Hag's advise this year, and to just say no to skinny jeans because no one looks good in them. For realz. So let's start off this year by answering yet another desperate plea with Ask Sea Hag:

Today's lesson: Managing a man-valanche

Sea Hag,

I started dating this guy a few months ago it's not serious or anything we just hang out. Then I met this other guy at a party and we have been hanging out for the last few weeks so do I tell the first guy that I'm seeing someone else now? Do I tell the other guy that I'm dating someone else?

Tina

Dear Run-On Sentence Girl,

So, let me get this straight...at one point you only had one man in your life? Shame on you! Have I not taught you people anything? Well, I'll just ignore that (along with your obvious disdain for commas) and tell you this: you don't have to tell them anything.

I know I'm going to get some crap for that, but hear me out. First of all, I am not aware of any law stating that you must divulge any and all of your personal baggage to every guy who buys you a drink. Now, if you get into a committed relationship with someone then yes, it's probably a good idea to tell him about your four ex-husbands and your ties with the Mafia. But for the purposes of 'just hanging out' I'd say that you aren't obliged to say anything, just remember to be smart and play safe.

And now here's where everyone says well how would you like it if one of the guys you were dating was also seeing someone else and you didn't know about it? Well, it would suck as I'm kinda territorial, and if they had energy for another girl then I'm obviously doing something wrong, but that's just how dating works. Put on your big-girl panties and deal. If it bothered me that a dude was seeing other chicas then that might indicate that I'm ready for something more serious, and that's what I should pursue instead of randomly dating around.

In the end, you determine your own morals. If you feel that it's 'wrong' to not tell either one, then tell them (and be casual about it, never do a 'we need to talk' scene), but be ready for the possibility that one or both of them may stop seeing you. If it doesn't bother you then play on, player.

Love,

Sea Hag

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 15

I was shopping a few days ago for presents and I was blessed to be able to witness this particular spectacle at the jewelery counter in Nordstrom's:

Dude: I need to buy my wife some jewelery.
Sales Lady: What kind of jewelery were you looking to get for her, sir?
Dude: I don't know.
Sales Lady: A ring? A necklace? Do you think she might want a bracelet or some earrings?
Dude: Hell, I don't know.
Sales Lady: Well, what kind of jewelery does she normally wear?
Dude: She's got a lot of stuff. How much is that over there? (points at something in the display case which, unfortunately, I didn't get to see).
Sales Lady: That's $730.
Dude: I'll just get that.

Now, first of all I have to hand it to the sales lady for not just telling the guy to go shopping for a damn clue first before dropping that kind of cash on a present. I wanted to go make her a pie because I'm sure this wasn't the first guy to do that to her today.

So, my sexy readers, who can tell me what was wrong with this scene? The guy was buying jewelery for his wife, and he was buying jewelery for his wife at Nordstrom's, so from first glance he seems to be doing a pretty good job, right?

Today's lesson: E is for Effort

I am going to give all you men the best Christmas present you'll ever receive right now: The key to understanding women. You ready? Here it is: We love effort above everything else.

I'll give you a second to let that one settle in.

By now, you're probably realizing that there is definitely a nugget of truth to what I just told you. Think of all the times you made a total ass of yourself trying to impress a lady and how she just loved it. Think of all the times you just randomly bought something for a girl just for the sake of getting her a present and how polite she was about it. Now do you know what I'm talking about?

Women want to know that you are able to think about something other than yourself. That's why we love effort, and by the way, that's why getting an engagement ring is such a BFD, because it's the ultimate in effort.

So, please, even though jewelery (even Nordstrom's jewelery) is a nice idea for Christmas, make sure it'll be something she actually wants. I'd personally rather have something that says I know you and I know what you like like the first season of 'The Girls Next Door' or 'The Office' on DVD rather than one of those trendy diamond circle pendants that's unfortunately all the rage right now.

Also, for the love of everything good and holy, please wrap your presents and never, ever throw out any Christmas cards your lady gives you. Just trust me on that one.

Love,

Sea Hag

Love Is A Battlefield! Part 14

For your reading pleasure, Monkey Barn is now proud to once again present Ask-a-Hag, in which confused readers (who are possible high on airplane glue) query the delectable Sea Hag and ask for her sage-like advise in the categories of love and lust. Mostly lust.

Today's Lesson: Waiting by the phone

Dear Sea Hag,

I went out on a date with a guy a few weeks ago, and it went really well. I had a great time and I think he did too. He said he'd call me the next day, but I haven't heard back from him since then! I tried calling him twice but he didn't return my call. Why won't guys ever call when they say they will? Why did he say he'd call when obviously he knew he wasn't going to?

Waiting by the phone

Dear Waiting,

First of all...Never. Wait. By. The. Phone. EVER. Also, I'm going to assume you really did just call a few times and didn't get all 'Fatal Attraction' on him.

If I really knew why guys (and some girls) don't call when they say they will I'd be the lord of all creation, and all would obey me or fear my terrible wrath. Unfortunately, I'm not the supreme ruler of the world (yet) and I don't know the answer to this question. I don't think anyone does for sure, honestly. I have a few guesses, though, and it all boils down to one thing: he didn't want to.

Yes, you could sit there and really rationalize this and come up with some good excuses (he was just being polite, he got sick, he was abducted by aliens, he was just looking for a piece of ass, blah blah) but really, it's all just different shades of he didn't care. We live in an age of instant access, so even if he was swamped with work or sick or whatever, it would have taken about 12 seconds for him to call you up and simply say 'Hey, I'm really busy with work so I won't be able to call you for a while, but when I get through this I will." If I know anything, it's that when a guy wants something he'll go out of his way to obtain it. So, sucks to be you.

Love,
Sea Hag

Letter I, The Sequel

Gee, I got stuck with the second letter I. Woo-freakin-hoo. What can I say that hasn't already been said? I mean, all the good, clever stuff is already taken, and the world isn't exactly overrun with a whole lotta awesome I-letter stuff. Igloos? Isosclese triangles? Izod shirts?

Well, if I got screwed over with the redundant I, then I'm gonna rock this out Sea Hag style, your rules and social conventions be damned!

Sea Hag is thankful for (Thanksgiving style):

Star Wars Episode IV- somewhere right now, some little kid is watching this for the first time, and a nerd is born. If that's not cause to celebrate, I don't know what is.

Eye candy-who wouldn't be thankful for some of that hawt stuff?
(Extra credit: Ay papi!- what you say when you see eye candy.)

Hawkeye Pierce- M*A*S*H is one of the best shows ever, and any time I'm flipping channels at 3 a.m. and I find an episode, I'm profoundly grateful.

Firefly- One of the best TV shows that met an untimely death. I am thankful to Joss Whedon for introducing me to the creamy goodness that is Nathan Fillion.

Ryan Adams- I've just gotten into his music (and NO I don't mean Bryan Adams!) and it's good stuff. He's a stupidly talented singer-songwriter capable of incredibly haunting music. If you're ever in the mood for some music to mope to, try 'Blue Sky Blues', 'The Shadowlands' or 'Elizabeth, You Were Born to Play That Part'.

Christmas play- OK, stay with me on this one, it actually does have to do with the letter I. When I was about 5 or 6, there was a Christmas play at the afterschool/daycare place my mom worked at, and I got to be in it. The whole premise was that a bunch of little kids each got to be a letter in the word C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S, and as it turns out, I was, you guessed it, the letter I. Anyway, Letter I runs away and Christmas is ruined and Santa Claus sings a song about it, which went something like:

I, I, where have you wandered to?

You know I've been so fond of you

Haven't I loved you and blah blah blah I forgot

I, won't you please come home now?

So I got to make my big entrance and run up on the stage and say something about running away to Florida because it was warmer than the North Pole. As I remember, one of the kids in the play got sick and my mom had to stand in for him. I think she was the T. I'm thankful that I got to be the star of the show for one time in my life, and I'm thankful that I can even remember any of that, in spite of my attempts to kill off many brain cells with sweet, sweet alcohol.

Love,

Sea Hag

Love is a Battlefield! Part 13

It happens all the time: you meet a great guy and over the course of a few dates you get to know him better. He's funny. He's smart. He's employed. He seems to understand the basic fundamentals of hygiene.

And then...the skeletons come out of the closet. He's feeling comfortable with you after a few dates and decides to let you know that he's been married. Five times. Also he used to sell meth to carnies and he's missing part of his left toe due to an unfortunate accident involving absinthe and a John Deere tractor.

So now, all that time and effort is wasted as you try to think of a polite way to make a hasty retreat and possibly change your phone number when you get home. Surely, you think, there must be a way to find out such vital information before you wasted three perfectly good Saturday nights and dropped $75 at the MAC counter!

Never fear, for Sea Hag is here and has come up with a solution to this dilemma: The Sea Hag Survey. Now you can determine the size of the emotional Samsonite your suitor is carrying before devoting time and money to the chase!

Today's lesson: Survey says...

Congratulations! You may be on the righteous pathway to my panties. However, before embarking on this trip, there are a few things I need to know about you. Please be honest, and handwriting counts!

I am (please circle all that apply):

* afraid of commitment

* planning on stalking you

* a recovering addict (specify which addiction, if applicable):

* a father (specify how many children, if applicable):

* a divorcee (specify how many times divorced, if applicable):

* still married

* a social pariah

* not a believer in monogamy

* never going to get over my ex

* unthinkably self-centered

* suffering from an incurable tropical disease and/or parasites

* living with my parents

* incapable of emotional expression of any kind

* a convicted felon

* missing body parts (specify which body parts, if applicable):

* an illegal alien

* an actual alien (specify home planet or solar system, if applicable):

* looking for a sugar mama

* unskilled in the ways of pleasing a woman

* an avid scab collector

* living in my car

* going to steal your underwear when you're not looking

* defrauding an insurance company

* just using you for revenge

Thank you for your participation!

Love,

Sea Hag

Love is a battlefield! Part 12

One upon a time there was a period where Sea Hag wasn't so...well... Sea Haggy when it came to dating. In fact, she was what you might term an Ignorant Doormat. Fortunately, she's learned from her past mistakes and now orbits in the Atmosphere of Extreme Fabulosity.

Besides learning valuable lessons, your darling Sea Hag has several hilariously pathetic dating stories from this time, and feels compelled to share this nugget of joy with you:

Today's lesson: Worst. Date. Ever.

Let me just first state for the record that this guy was very hot, so that you might understand why I put up with this stooge.

This guy, who I shall refer to forevermore as 'The Dipshit King', asked for my phone number, and after a few good conversations we agreed to go on a date.

This is where the fun started.

He said his car was in the shop, so I would have to come pick him up. Well...I could do that. So he gave me directions to the house he shared with his roommate and I drove. And drove. And drove. Turns out his house was a whopping 70 miles from mine, and he'd kind fibbed about how far out in BFE he lived. At one point I tried to call him on my cell phone because I was sure I was lost, but I didn't have any reception because I was pretty much out in 'Deliverance' country. Seriously, I was at a stop sign and I'm sure I heard the faint twang of dueling banjos.

I finally find his house, and he invited me inside. This house...well, let's just say that it looked like a cheap Chinese food restaurant puked in there. And it certainly didn't look like the kind of decor a 27-year-old would have chosen for himself unless he'd been on some nutty 'shroom binge in Beijing recently.

"Is this your roommate's crazy Chinese stuff in here?" I asked.

It was...if you consider his mother a roommate. So he'd already lied to me about who he lived with. But I blew it off, because, like I said, Ignorant Doormat.

Because there was absolutely nowhere to go around his house, we drove into the city (which, by the way, was about 30 more miles) and we found a little restaurant to hang out in. As I was browsing the menu, he gave me a funny look and said 'you're not hungry, are you?'

Well, of course I was, but I lied and said no (Doormat! Doormat!) so I just nursed a cup of tea while he had a Coke, and we talked for a few hours.

OK, I'm trying to make it sound better than it was...really, he talked exclusively about himself for hours while I sat there. Any time I tried to get in a word edge-wise he'd cut me off or pretend like he didn't hear me. No, really, I'd talk and he'd say 'What?' and then go on with whatever he was babbling about.

And oh, the things he talked about! Apparently, he'd been in med school in South America and flunked out. He'd dated a girl who was a model and wanted to marry him and be his sugar mama, but her father was in the Mafia and threatened to kill him. And remember how his car was in the shop? Well, it turns out that he a) didn't have a car and b) if he had one, he couldn't legally drive it since he didn't have a driver's license because c) he was an illegal immigrant.

Now, had I harnessed the power of the Sea Hag at this point, I would have just walked out, but oh no, I stayed to the bitter end. Incidentally, I had to pay for the tea I drank. On the (very) long drive back to the Dipshit King's Happy China Delight Emporium, he wanted to stop and use the bathroom, so I pulled over at a McDonald's and he went inside, then came out later with a bag full of food which he ate and didn't offer me any.

We finally got back to his house and I pulled into the driveway. I had 70 more miles to drive to get home at this point, I was hungry, pissed, and in a car with someone who bragged about failing med school in a Third-World country and didn't want to pony up $2 for tea and a Coke. I might be a doormat, but I had reached my limit and told him goodnight.

"You don't want to come inside?" he asked.

Very politely (dooooooormat!) , I said no, but he kept insisting until I finally screamed "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!" and for some reason, laid on the horn until he got out. Then I drove home, and for all you math experts, that made the entire round trip a shade over 200 miles.

But the cherry on the top of the ass-flavored sundae that was King Dipshit was that he actually had the nerve to leave me a voicemail a few days later in which he called me a 'pissy bitch'.

If only I had been, dude. If only.

Love,

Sea Hag

loveseahag(at)gmail(dot)com

What Sea Hag remembers about last night

It's possible that I might have had one or two gallon-sized glasses of beer last night, but I clearly recall that this happened. Oh the humanity! Why isn't CNN or Fox News reporting on this today?

Love,
Sea Hag
loveseahag(at)gmail(dot)com

Love is a Battlefield! Part 11

I have a few friends who are trying out the online dating thing lately, and they have asked for my world-famous advice when they were writing up their profiles. So, I went online and trolled a few dating sights to get a feel for what, exactly, people generally said about themselves so I could then craft profiles for my friends which would make all other profiles EVER look pitiful by comparison. These profiles would guarantee my friends a never-ending river of penis and/or vagina and would secure me a place in Heaven for helping my friends get laid.

Anyway, as I was checking out all these profiles, I was shocked at how many of them were totally stupid and devoid of any kind of personality...and the pictures! Dear God, the pictures! I very nearly shoved a Number-2 pencil in my eyeball just to end the horror.

So please, people, if you plan on rockin' out the online dating thing, avoid the following things in your profile if you ever expect to get some ass:

Today's lesson: Seven deadly sins of online profiles

1. Your picture
Everyone would love to think that they are full of inner beauty and rainbows and unicorns and whatever and that that's what any potential lover will judge them on, but the sad truth is, you're really gonna be judged first by your picture, so do yourself a favor and make it a good one. Please don't use any pictures of yourself where you:

a. Have some freak-ass red-eye

b. Are getting trashed at a party

c. Are in a group picture and you can't tell which person is you

d. Are in a picture where you've clearly cut out an ex

e. Are in some sort of stupid pose where we can see your armpit.

And even though you were 30 pounds lighter 10 years ago, put up a current picture.

2. 'I like to have fun and travel'
No. Shit. Do you like to breathe oxygen too? I know you think that by writing this you're conveying a care-free attitude, but here's a news flash, dumbass: everyone likes to have fun and not be at work. Be more specific, tell people what you do to have fun (and don't you dare say 'I like to have fun with my friends' because that's as equally unoriginal).

3. 'I've never done this before...'
The whole gosh-golly-gee shy thing is irritating. You signed up to do the online dating thing, now grow some balls and be assertive.

4. 'It's hard to talk about myself...'
This goes in the same category as #3. Also, keep in mind that you're trying to sell yourself, so if you can't think of even one interesting thing to say about yourself, then no one is going to want to kiss your pink parts.

5. Grammar
For the love of everything good and holy, pretend that you passed the sixth grade and learn the difference between your and you're.

6. 'The things I can't do without...'
Most sights have a goofy thing where you list some things you just couldn't live without. Be creative and don't put the following things: friends, family, pets, food, water, my car, blah blah blah. Really, this is a super-easy way to put something funny about yourself, and no one thinks that putting oxygen down is clever.

7. Leave your damn emotional baggage at the door
Try not to be a psycho in your profile. We've all had our hearts broken before, so try to relax and don't blast an ex, have a neurotic laundry list of characteristics you want (or don't want) in a partner, or air your personal business. This might feel cathartic to you, but most people will read that and think you're keeping someone in your basement and occasionally squirting them with a water hose.

love,
Sea Hag
loveseahag(at)gmail(dot)com

National Coming Out Day

Could it be....Sea Hag posting twice in one day? Is this a sign of the apocalypse? Is the end nigh!?!?!

Man, I need to stop freebasing.

Anyway, it's National Coming Out Day, so for everyone who is in the closet, apparently Hallmark has designated this day for you to come out and tell everyone if you want. Much love and courage to those who are brave enough to do it today (or any day).

love,
Sea Hag
loveseahag(at)gmail(dot)com

No, really, what's your sign?

So yeah, I am kinda underwhelmed by the lack of responses to the best and worst pick up lines ever. So I'm giving you all another chance to submit them to me by e-mail or, if you're lazy, by sticking them in the comments section. You can submit more than one, if you want.

I will be giving away a prize to the best one. Seriously. No, I don't know what the prize is yet...but rest assured, it will be so awesome it'll most likely cause some sort of rift in the time-space continuim. I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. I need to lay off the absinthe.

Love,
Sea Hag
loveseahag(at)gmail(dot)com

Love is a Battlefield! Part 10

And now, it's time for more Ask-A-Hag, in which the fabulous readers of 'Love is a Battlefield!' e-mail me their burning questions and I respond with cheeky comments and scathing insults about your poor use of grammar.

Today's Lesson: I want you to want me

Dear Sea Hag,

OK here's my issue. I have been in love with a guy friend of mine for a long time. I am pretty sure he is my soul mate, and have told him how I feel, but he tells me he is not emotionally ready for a relationship. I don't know if I should hang on to him and hope that it'll work out one day, or if I should try to move on and forget about him. Please help!

Waiting and Hopeful

Dear WaH,

I will (briefly) set aside my usual smart-assery to express my condolences to you, because is there anything else in the world more heartbreaking than unrequited love? We've all been there, and it sucks. I'm sorry.

OK, now I'm back aboard the Sarcasm Train, and the solution to your problem is simple: alcohol. Sweet, sweet alcohol.

Oh, you wanted an actual solution? Aren't you the demanding one.

Thing is, you already know what you have to do in this situation, and that's to try to move on. I personally don't believe in the whole 'soul mate' thing, for starters, so you might want to rethink that mentality. I know you think that this guy is the be-all and end-all, but I guarantee that there are several dudes out there who not only would make you feel all tingly, but would actually want to be all up in your situation and not string you along with that old 'I'm not ready for a relationship' crap. Now, before you get your panties in a wad and get all defensive, it could very well be one of those incredibly rare occasions where the guy really and truly is not ready to get involved with anyone romantically, like if he went through a nasty breakup or divorce, or just lost this job. But still, he has given you a glimmer of hope and that's tearing you up inside. And that's not fair.

Go have fun, date stupidly and get many free drinks and meals. Make sure you pack your 'ho bag, of course. Maybe eventually he'll get his head on straight and you guys will be happy together, or maybe you'll meet someone better. Until then, have a blast with Mr. Right Now and stop obsessing over Mr. Right.

Love,

Sea Hag

loveseahag(at)gmail(dot)com