Thursday, August 10, 2006

Love is a battlefield! Part 3

Let's face it, ladies...there's a lot of dudes out there. And they all want your fabulous self. So how do you determine if they are worthy of you or are total oxygen thieves?

There are the obvious moron signs, of course, like the ones who don't have a job, or a car, or still live with mom, or have a crazy ex-girlfriend, or are on Death Row, or have some hideous dandruff problem and would smother you under an avalanche of flakes. But there are several less obvious, but just as critical, tell-tale signs that you are in the presence of lameness.

Today's lesson: I'm a loser, baby

These are the kinds of people who should never, ever get an invitation to your pants party (and no, I don't care how cute they are):

Any guy who:
1. Sleeps on a mattress on the floor
Or a futon, or an air mattress. Seriously, not having a proper bed is just friggin weak.

2. Owns more than one cat
I know I'm going to get some crap for this one, but I'm actually being generous by even allowing for one cat. I don't know what it is, but any guy I've known who has more than one cat is just weird.

3. Has long fingernails

4. Only owns one towel
Unfortunately, this is one that you're not going to find out until you have to take a shower at his house.

5. Tries too hard to cover up his bald spot
Dudes, you need to rock that naked scalp! Any guy who pretends that they have a full head of hair is usually going to have some serious self-esteem issues, and NOTHING is sexier than confidence.

6. Has mob ties
Yes, it would be tempting to be in good with the Mafia, especially if it earns you some sweet stolen swag, but you might be called on to testify later, and courtroom lighting is not flattering. Plus you'd have to do Witness Protection, and they'd probably move you to some craphole without a Starbucks in a 50-mile radius.

7. Has nothing to drink at his house
If the best they can offer you is a glass of warm tap water, they deserve to be kicked in the shins. I know a lot of guys aren't going to keep a well-stocked fridge, but how hard is it to keep a few bottles of water or some juice around?

8. Is rude to waiters/waitresses
These people are doing a thankless job (and could also hawk a huge, green loogie in your minestrone soup) so there's no reason to flip out or be a jerk or not leave a tip. If you're with a guy who is guilty of this, he's got a bully complex. Run away!

9. Thinks it's gross when you burp
OK, it's not exactly lady-like, but we do have bodily functions, and sometimes you just can't choke back a gas attack. Any guy who gets offended by this (provided you didn't do it in the middle of a funeral or something) has no sense of humor and a warped, unrealistic view of women. Imagine having to poop in this guy's house!

Sea Hag

Side note: I don't mean to ignore all the awesome chicas who are rockin' the lesbian lifestyle, but I'm just going off what I know, and my realm of expertise hasn't wandered there (yet?). Nothing but my never-ending love for y'all!


tiff said...

All very very good points. May I add others?

The guy who knows too much about fashion. If he comments on your shoes, get out. Now.

The guy who asks you if you're seriously going to eat all of what's on your plate.

The guy who tries to pick you up and guess your weight.

The guy whose apartment smells funky. Because, ew, knocking boots in a bedroom that smells like a sweaty towel is kinda gross.

How do I know these things, you might ask? My sad sad dating life taught me all of them.

This series is awesome, BTW!

Tracy Lynn said...

Sea Hag, so loving this series.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

ditto on loving the series - you should make this a regular 'sex in the city' thing.

Sea Hag said...

Thanks chicas!

Good call, tiff. It's OK if a guys says 'your shoes are cute'. It's NOT OK if a knows what espadrilles are, or uses more hair care products than you do (I have 4 bottles of shampoo in my shower right now), Uber metrosexuals should be avoided. Also guys whose rooms smell like laundry hampers are not rad, nor are guys who make you feel self-conscious about your awesome, smokin' bod.

I've been in all those situations too. Sadly. This is why I am doing this series, because ladies don't let other ladies date stupidly. (This is also why I drink so much Kahlua.)

Yeah, I could be like Sarah Jessica Parker... except I don't have a face that looks like it was carved out of a bar of Irish Spring soap.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Awesome series Sea Hag! Love advice from a pirate! :D