Sunday, August 13, 2006

Love is a battlefield! Part 4

Ladies are trained to be compassionate and polite from the time they are fetuses, and because of that, we often find ourselves in situations with men who really, truly suck but feel unable to get out of them because we are too 'nice'.

Balls to that. Wasting your time and general fabulousness on the undeserving should be considered a grievous sin. Why should you have to put up with a guy who has perpetual cream-of-mushroom-soup breath, or that guy who kissed so badly that you started to refer to him as 'Duck Lips' in your head, and you thought of him that way so often that you actually forgot his real name? What about the guy who you found out that his 'roommate' is really his mom? I don't care how absolutely shallow your reasons are, if you can't imagine him naked on top of you, it's over and you need to send him packing. But how do you do it while being classy?

Today's lesson: I am trying to break your heart

The main objective here is not so much to spare the guy's feelings, but to make you look good while communicating the fact that no, I don't want to see you anymore, not even for a drunken fling at 2 a.m. Depending on your level of involvement with your dumpee, there is a definite hierarchy to how to get rid of someone with style:

1. Sever all communications
To be honest, this one can be applied anywhere, but should primarily be used for those people who just didn't make the initial cut in the first 1-2 dates. This means that you don't answer his phone calls (God bless caller ID) or his e-mails, and you kill all carrier pigeons that come from him. This may cause a few nasty e-mails or voicemails later on, but he'll get the picture fast.

2. The 'it's not you, it's me' e-mail.
This one is for anyone you've been seeing less than a month. Because of the length of time involved, the guy really does deserve some sort of an explanation...not that it has to be a very good one. Your best bet: A well-written e-mail written with some sort of excuse about how you are (choose all that apply): not ready for a relationship, too busy for a relationship, are moving to Guatemala, have a contagious disease, having a nervous breakdown, or my all-time favorite, are not sure if you want a relationship right now. Do not tell him the truth if it involves the following: I want to date other people, I want to date your roommate, your hairy nipples freak me out, you need a calculator to figure out what a 20% tip is, your house smells like cat pee, I'm pretty sure you stole a pair of my panties, or last time you used my bathroom I had to call a plumber.

3. The 'we need to talk' phone call
This one applies to anyone you've been seeing for over a month, but fewer than three. Since they probably know you pretty well by now, you might have to color your Dumping Excuse with a little truth. For example, 'I don't think we should see each other anymore because you travel a lot and we don't get to spend any time together', is preferable to 'since you're out of town so much, I've been seeing two other guys who are far more hot than you are, and one of them can do this incredible thing with his tongue...'

4. Face to face
This is for anyone you're in a serious relationship with, generally over 3 months. This one should be avoided at all costs because more than likely it will end with you crying, throwing something, or with crazy break-up sex. The main reason to break up with someone like this: to get your stuff back from him.

Sea Hag
loveseahag AT gmail DOT com


Hyperion said...

I have to say, as much as I am loving Sea Hag's series, this is the first time I have disagreed with her advice.

Reversing the situation, would girls really like it if guys did all that? (Actually, guys do that all the time, so maybe she's doing subtle satire? I'm the King of Subtle, but I'm unsure.)

The ignore all phone calls (and other communication) one is especially petty, it seems to me.

Wouldn't it be best (and I only speak theoretically, as I've never pulled this off), to just be honest and tell the guy, "You're a nice person, but it's just not going to work out. I wish you all the best" ??

It's classy, it's hard to argue with (and if they try, you can just refuse, and at least they can move on without wondering "why" forever.

Or, you can just be passive-aggressive and get them to break up with you. Always a favorite.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

I found that post-it notes work best...

Sea Hag said...

OK, all the ladies who have never had a guy just completely ignore them and never call them back raise your hand.

Wow, none of you, huh?

Look, men have been doing this crap to women forever, and one reason I'm doing this is to encourage all the ladeez to be just as aggressive as men when it comes to dating.

And, you know, this whole thing is also for chuckles, so I'm hoping no one is taking me too seriously.

tiff said...

Oops! I just used your advice to break up with my husband. Funny thing is, method #1 worked.

Sea Hag said...

Way to go, tiff! Welcome to the single life!

Tracy Lynn said...

Obviously, H has never had someone refuse to understand the words I Don't Want To See You Any More. I have, and if the no communication thing, which men use ALL THE TIME, gets said Sad Sack off my ass, then by all means, cease the communication.

Sea Hag said...

Preach on, Tracy Lynn!

tiff said...

sea hag - if only I were ballsy enough.....I recall something about the single life being something about being able to do what you wanted to and maybe sleeping around?

Sounds pretty good, actually. :>

Sea Hag said...

Eating cereal for dinner + crazy-ass sexins with many people = the single life!!!!!!

(But sometimes I'd give anything to have a guy around to squash spiders I find in the bathtub for me)