Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Love is a battlefield! Part 2

There will come a point in a girl's life that she will unexpectedly have to stay at someone else's house overnight. (If you're on a dating rampage, you'd be surprised how often this might come up.) This in itself is not a bad thing, but there's one thing to consider: you might go to bed looking rad, but when you wake up, you're going to look like the wrath of Khan. And because you're not in the safety of your own home, you're not going to be able to fix the catastrophe that is your face and hair... and whatever rotten thing crawled in your mouth and died leaving you with morning breath that could stop a Mack truck. But with a little planning and savvy, you can avoid such unnecessary fits of unfabulosity.

Today's lesson: What's in your 'ho bag?

Now, if you plan on spending the night somewhere, then you shouldn't have too much of an issue because you'll just have your 'ho bag packed and ready to go. However, if you find yourself unexpectedly crashing at someone's house, there are a few items you need to carry in your purse that are essential:

1. a toothbrush
You can bum toothpaste, but you should never bum a toothbrush, I don't care how many bodily juices you just swapped with someone.
Acceptable substitues: those little toothbrush 'dots' that you can stick to your finger (they were especially designed with a 'ho bag in mind) or very strong breath mints.

2. perfume
This is where you can use those little perfume samples that they give you at the mall; a few drops will mask the stink of the beer you dumped on yourself the night before.
Acceptable substitute: small bottle of scented lotion

3. hair thingys
You should have some sort of ponytail holder thing or barettes in your purse to tame that nasty, matted thing on your head...oh wait, that's your hair. Yeah, do something with that, please. Think of the children.
Acceptable substitutes: baldness, using your sunglasses as a headband, a scarf.
Unacceptable substitute: a baseball hat. Never, ever sexy!

4. Fresh undies
If all else fails, at least tuck a clean pair of drawers in your purse. Nothing will make you feel more human than being able to put on a pair of clean panties.
Acceptable substitute: commando

5. Cash
When all else fails, you can either buy your way out of whatever compromising positions you got yourself into the night before, or you can make an emergency run to Walgreens to buy some of these supplies.
Acceptable substitute: none, unless you swipe someone else's wallet and use their cash. Mwah ha ha!...um, I mean, that's stealing. And that's bad. So don't do that.

Sea Hag


Dragon said...

Thanks, Sea Hag. I'll be stocking my ho bag tonight. You just never know, do you?

tiff said...

Darn - married ladies never have any fun. But very valuabble advice for all unattached gals out there. Who I envy. With the power of a thousand suns.

Schrodinger's Kitten said...

I had no idea what I have is called a HO bag...but live and learn. PS - those mini makeup kits with sassy names like 'trailer trash' work wonders, and you get a little 'I'm a ho!' laugh too.

And of course, not that I do this - but it's easy to slip out at say...4 am and leave a note. And then he also thinks you're 'mysterious' in addition to not looking like Khan.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

I can see the TV ads now:
"Ho Bag-Never leave home without one!"

Awesome post Sea Hag!

Sea Hag said...

Schro's Kitty, you have a great point! A classy note is a good way to go, but sometimes the party's just getting over at 4 a.m. if you know what I mean.

And married ladies can have all the crazy 'ho fun they want. There's not like, a law or commandment saying that...oh wait, never mind.

I'm betting someone could rake in some serious cash if they sold a clever little pre-packaged 'ho bag that you could get from a drugstore or something.

Tracy Lynn said...

AHHH, the ho bag. Those were the days.