Monkey Barn Interviews (V)

[Back for another interview, this time Tiff. Her home site is No Accent Yet, so check that out some time too. The interview was conducted on Yahoo IM, and honesty compels me to admit that Tobias was at times looking over my shoulder.]

Hyperion: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, kapgars and river midgets...gather 'round. It's once again time to "Get to know your fellow Monkey Barner." Today we have the beautiful talented scrumptious (let's see...what was the other word she told me to say? Oh yeah!) AWESOME Tiff. She's been kind enough to give us a few minutes for 7 questions. Tiff, first up: at what point did Monkey Barn become more important to you than family, work or God?

Tiff: When someone mentioned Tracy's bodacious rack. It was pretty much over at that point. I continue to scan the postings for proof of bodaciousness, and hold out hope that indeed one day it will be before me. With over 1000 entries, this might take a while.

Hyperion: Interesting answer. Speaking of your name, how did you come by "Tiff" ?

Tiff: Were we speaking of my name? If not, we should be, because, like everything else about me, it's interesting. At my first job in science (say it like Thomas Dolby in your head, everyone), when I was young and blonde and so smoking hot the sun had to get air conditioning, my boss thought I looked too surfer-girl for my real name, and dubbed me "Tiffy." Pretty soon everybody else in the Microbiology department was doing the same, and there was nothing for it but to answer. So, I'm totally Tiff now. Like, you know, because it's da shizz. Tee hee.

Hyperion: Tobias thought it was because you're cranky a lot. All morning he's been joking around, saying he wants to be "in a tiff." Not sure what he means by that, so we'll move on and ask: what advice would you give a struggling young (or not-so-young) blogger out there who wants to get into the prestigious Monkey Barn?

Tiff: First, Tobias is very naughty and should be spanked to remind him that he was going to straighten up and fly right. Second, asking me for advice is, to say the very least, ill advised. However, because I was asked, I shall answer thusly: mix a cocktail of alder leaves, gin, and poison frog spittle during a full moon, toss it over your left shoulder at midnight chanting the words" ooom paya maldingdong" thrice, and start commenting like crazy on Hyperion's sites. I'm convinced that's what did it for me.

Hyperion: And Naked pix don’t hurt.

Tiff: Gosh - we're three questions down already! This is going much too quickly.

Hyperion: Well, then we'll throw in a bonus question because of your awesomeness (just don't tell the other Monkey Barners, as they are a jealous lot): what can you tell us about the location of Hell?

Tiff: My thanks for the extra time, and for such a hard-hitting question befitting my current state of extreme awesomeness (which sometimes can flux to mere awesomeness, but today is on red hot alert). As it so happens, I have firm proof that Hell is in the center of the earth. I can forward a very informative website to those who may be interested in such things. Also, I have proof, from the same website, as it so happens, that rock stars who die young die earlier than most other people. Amazing things are happening every day on the internet, don't you find?

Hyperion: Too bad they're not happening here! Just Kidding, Just Kidding. Uh, I'll defer to you on Hell, since I'm way too pious for such thoughts, and turn to my next question: Why didn't you tell us you participated (and won!) Miss Nude Australia under the name Brittany Bratt?

Tiff: A note: AWESOME things are happening here. Word of the day and all.

Tiff: oh, and to the question - I did not. My Miss Nude Australia name was Tiffany Temblor, because men felt the EARTH MOVE when I approached. That Brittany keeps putting HER head on MY body in her promo shots, and boy howdy am I steamed. Bitch better be looking behind her at ALL times, is all I'm sayin'.

Hyperion: Well then! (And kids, if you scroll down a few entries, you can see Brittany, uh, Tiff, uh, Tiffany Trembler with a link that shows you all her glory!) Back to us....We're in the Monkey Barn Clubhouse, and you get to design the pajamas and the pillows for the pillow fights! Give us the fashion show!

Hyperion: While we're young, Tiff

Tiff: jeepers, Hyp, fashion takes TIME!!!!!! This stuff doesn't just fall outta trees, you know. Plus which, I'm doing this at WORK and people need me to DO stuff from time to time.

Tiff: Sweet!! "Hyperion is wearing the latest in MB men's fashion, the fuzzy boxer-brief with ammo bolero. Note the tail protruding from the back for those games of touch-IMing the MB is famous for. And here's LJS attired in the comfy ladies togs, a blousy flannel onesie with deeply scooped neck and crotch snaps. She wears the MB-print pareo, complete with cutout for the required tail accessory. Hyperion and LJS both carry the down-stuffed conical pillows of doom in a bright yellow and brown monkey print, just perfect for bopping a paramour or River Midget over the head..."

Hyperion: Is it possible to be creeped out and turned on at the same time? Don't answer that, or I'll get accused of asking you 9 questions! Moving on (quickly): why is your home site called "No Accent Yet," when we've heard your audioblogs: you clearly are a redneck.

Tiff: It's all a fake. I'm actually Australian, remember?

Hyperion: oh yeah. This brings us to our Final Question, and please: take your time, take it seriously, and if possible, sexy details are always a plus: Back in the Monkey Barn Clubhouse, you have to share a room with two other Barners. Who do you bunk with, and what might that first night be like?

Tiff: This will speak to my ultimate identity as freak girl, because even though I KNOW the ladies here are fine beyond all comprehension, I'd have to go with Hyperion and Tobias, because well, when's my next chance to sleep with a giant and a midget in the SAME NIGHT? Never, I tell you! We'd tell stories of our lives as children in the circus, and how awesome we are, and we'd eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor and drink Yoo-Hoo and do each other's hair and maybe work in some therapeutic massage while doing a cucumber masque. I'd take pictures of us and we'd put them on MySpace and make everybody wonder about our interesting and awesome lives.

Hyperion: Makes me want to find a hammer and some nails! Thanks for answering truthfully, even if you took longer than there have been fishes in the ocean to answer the questions. We're all out of time, so join us again as we ask, "What's in your Barner?"