And now it's time for Ask A Hag, in which the delightful readers of the Monkey Barn submit their burning dating-related questions to Sea Hag and prepare to be lightly mocked and scorned in a public forum.
Today's lesson: Let me call you Keebler
Dear Sea Hag,
Are you really a sea hag?
Why is it that some girls are so preoccupied with height? Us shorties have a lot to offer too! It's like, if you're not taller than the girl, you damn well better be rich. I knew this one girl who met a guy for a blind date. She never went out with him after that, because he was 6 inches shorter than she was. I found out later he was also a drug dealer, but that wasn't her reason for turning him down! (In fact, it probably made it more difficult for her.)
Signed, Dynamite comes in Small Packages
Dear Totally Dork-Ass Signature,
Not only am I a sea hag, I am the Sea Hag.
There is really only one reason that women prefer those who are not vertically challenged, and here it is: women associate things that are small in anyway with being cute, and not the good kind of cute, but the one that applies to things like babies, baby clothing, puppies, ducklings, bunnies, those retarded Anne Geddes pictures, and so on.
Therefore, a woman wants to look at her man and not think of him as a small, cuddly pet. They want a large, strong burly dude who is able to beat the crap out of anyone if so provoked. Or, at the very least, we want a guy who is just bigger than we are. It's not attractive if a lady feels like the Grape Ape while standing next to her man.
But cheer up, of the short men I've known, they've all had very large penises. I don't know if it's just God compensating or if it just looks that much bigger on a smaller body, but who cares? I say, take a few pictures on your camera phone and send those out to the ladies, and it won't matter if they think you look like you make cookies in a hollow tree.
As for the drug dealer part...well, all women have this weird mother hen thing in which we wish to protect and eventually turn around the bad egg (that was a totally unintended pun, by the way). And as most women have learned to their chagrin, we are not reform schools, and you can't change a guy. But damn it if we don't try anyway.
loveseahag (at) gmail (dot) com