Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Love is a Battlefield! Part 19

Last night my cohort Noochie was telling me about a friend of his who is about to embark on a magical, mystical journey to a place that I have traveled to many a time: Divorceland. It's actually a pretty nice place; hell, most everyone you know's been there at least once. (Ask for The Sea Hag Special- stay 5 times, get a 6th for free).

Anyway, said friend was contemplating his upcoming single life and all its perks and privileges and I thought to myself: Ladies of metro Atlanta, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! For there is about to be a monster of unspeakable horror unleashed upon you, and its name is Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy.

Today's lesson: On the rebound

Yes, everyone needs some lovin', but there are some people you really want to avoid like the plagues of Egypt. The obvious asshat ones have been discussed here before, but there is one type of guy in particular that uses a unique brand of ninja-stealth to get an invite to your pants party and get his wiggles out: the guy going through a divorce. Now, many of you might think that a Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy wouldn't be an ideal dating candidate to begin with, but let us take a closer look and discover why so many of us have fallen into this trap:

1. He knows how to treat a lady
I can't tell you how many guys I've had to 'break in' (heh heh, not like that, but still... heh heh) to get them in the mindset of acting like a partner and not being a self-centered tard monkey, so it's very comforting to find a guy who knows that Your Birthday Should Be Considered A National Holiday, and, praise (insert the deity of your choice), leaves the seat down without argument.

2. He is used to being in a committed relationship
More than likely, Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy knew his ex-wife for a long time, and sometimes their relationship was the only one he's ever known, so he has either forgotten how to act like a Dating Douchebag, or never learned how in the first place.

3. He can earn serious sympathy points
For some reason, a guy who is heartbroken is just irresistible to women, especially if he was (or convinced you that) he was the 'wronged' party.

See, it's starting to sound so tempting now...but here's what you're really in store for:

1. Emotional Rollercoaster Deluxe
Try going on a date with someone who is angry, depressed, sad, clingy, fearful, lonely, guilty, confused, vengeful, hopeless, anxious, moody, euphoric...all often within minutes of each other.

2. Sweet, sweet revenge!
Chances are, you are being used for revenge against his ex, and/or to prove to himself that he's still a big, studly dude...and once your role is fulfilled, you're going to be out on your ass, guaranteed.

3. Chewy chunks of karmic yuckiness
I don't know what it is, but there is a sort of scuzzy feeling about dating someone who is still technically married, and you will never, ever feel more heartbroken and disgusted with yourself if he gets a phone call and he tells you 'I have to answer that, it's my wife'.

So, if you hear that Hot Guy Who Mows His Lawn Shirtless got left by his wife for the guy who sells plywood at Home Depot, or that Ted With The Nice Ass From Accounting just filed for a divorce, please give them at least a year to stop being crazy and get over Rebound Mode unless you're some kind of deranged glutton for punishment.



Hyperion said...

This is pretty sage advice.

I would add the Hyperion addendum, good for whether they are recently divorced or just broken up:

"If they talk about their ex in negative terms, they ARE NOT over the person, and you should not be seeing them."

Simple as that.

Sea Hag, you rule as always.

Biff Spiffy said...

High freaking quality rahtcheer.

And, I don't think I'll have any problems staying clear of the Recently or Almost Divorced Guy.

tiff said...

tried to comment - was denied.


someone oughtta chime in with the female corollary here.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

You rule Sea Hag! I'd like to comment that regardless of how responsible the dude was for the breakup of the marriage, he'll always be the "wronged" party in his own eyes. {sigh} Solipicism at its finest.

Dragon said...

Great job Sea Hag. I always take something away from these columns. You've saved me from miles and miles of hurt.

Why were you denied Tiff? You left a comment. Am I missing something?

Sea Hag said...

I'm guessing that tiff left some awesome comment and blogger gobbled it up, and it sucks to have to write it all again.

I think the Female Corollary would be an excellent Part 20!

Biff Spiffy said...

I love female corollaries.... giggity!

Yeah, and bloggobbling comments is common enough that before i go anywhere after writing more than a one-liner, I copy to the clipboard. Just in case. I've used it dozens of times.

lost goddess said...

Me too too