Return of the Prodigal River Midget

So, yeah, like, you know, whatever.

I'm back.

I know I took off last year for a time, but that was because Hypey sent me away. My behavior was supposedly "becoming a real problem" and I needed to "find myself."

Hyperion's so queer.

This last time we separated because I had no desire to go to the Outlaw camp. Do you know what they do to my kind in a place like that?

Do you know how pretty I am? My stock would be like late '90s Cisco or Intel. I'd be swamped!

So I took off, meaning to connect back up with Hypey when he finally crossed over into America. But along the way I started having so many adventures that I just stayed away, learning about life, and dare I say....love?

(That's right. I met a girl.)

Actually, I still haven't arrived in Georgia to where Hypey is. I've been hanging out in Iowa. At first I was looking for someone Hyperion told me about, then it just became a place to hang. Hypey and I will hook up eventually, but for now, at least I can post and hang with all you guys.

I see there is so many new people. What ever happend to Koz and Bear? Don't they post anymore? (I would mention that I never seen Ajax online anymore, but Hypey warned me about teasing Ajax at all, since he tends to turn into the biggest woman this side of '87-Oprah.)

I'll have some more posts in the days ahead. But in the meantime I wanted to give you just a few highlights of what I've been up to:

I almost got married to this girl, who is a mail order bride. (No, really.)

I met this protestor outside DC. (You're better off not translating.)

I met this cool painter, who painted these three, among many others. (I'll have more on him once Hypey gets permission. Be honest: how long did it take you to figure out that was a guitar?)

I saw a great terrible movie, KING KUNG FU. It's cheerfully awful, and should be seen by everybody. (Click on the picture to make it all big and shit.)

I found out EXACTLY why this girl is worth 2 billions dollars.





So Did I come back? Well, I was in Cedar Rapids, and trying to decide whether to go into a bar. I stood there with the door open, not really sure if the "patrons" looked inviting. It wasn't that cold, at least not for someone used to Canadian weather, but one of the drunks at the bar yells out,


"Hey! Were you raised in a barn?"


"Yeah." I said.


It was at that moment I realized I needed to return.


(After I said "Yeah," I continued. "Hey, drunk guy, where do you live?" He said, "Why, you looking for a whuppin?" "No," I said, "Your wife let me borrow a pair of her panties after she ripped my underwear in a hurry to get them off, and I was just going to return them to her." Everyone in the bar laughed but the drunk guy just snickered and said, "You're a stupid fuck. My wife moved out years ago. No one lives with me but my daughter. She's a junior in high school." "Oh." I said. "My mistake." I turned around and walked out.)



And now I'm back.






Tobias the Adorable River Midget