I present his entire list here, not to further plagarize, but to set the record straight, and to implore you to check out his work if you have not yet done so. The man may be the funniest humorist alive. (My favorites are bolded)
25 Things Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
A penny saved is worthless.
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Nobody is normal.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your friends love you anyway.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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