I Hate Everyone: People In Commercials

So I was over on The Slate a few weeks ago reading the Ad Report Card and the guy who normally writes it is going on some sabbatical bullshit and I'm all upset about it because I have a total crush on him. I mean, he's such a funny, smart-ass writer that I'd totally sit on his face and I don't even know what the guy looks like, so that's how awesome he is.

Anyway, his parting article was a short collection of ads people hate. It was OK, but it made me think of the time in my high school English class my junior year when my teacher announced that she wished that she could put The Wolfman and Donna (two local people who sold furniture and did totally lame commericals for it) into a box and fly them into the center of the sun. So in honor of Mrs. Federovich and Seth Stevenson, I compiled my own list of

People in Commericals Who I Wish I Could Put In A Box And Fly Into The Center Of The Sun:

1. The couple from the Sonic commericals

Sweet grape cream slush, if this is what marriage is like I'd rather try to beat myself to death with a New Balance sneaker. These ads show a couple who are sitting in the Sonic drive-in enjoying whatever the frosty drink special of the month is while they barely contain their contempt for each other. The wife is a stuck-up bitch and the husband is a total asstard, and therein lies the hilarity, I guess. I mean, the woman married the guy, how did she not realize the guy was an immature idiot? And what does she have to bitch about anyway, the guy takes her to Sonic all the time! How can anyone be pissy at a Sonic drive-thru? This one time they gave away FREE root beer floats! A girl who has this big tray of condiments walks around to all the cars and asks if you want more ketchup! There are few things more awesome than that.

2. The chorus from the Rondo commercials

First of all, Kias are just one step up from a roller skate. Second of all, 'Rondoism' is a totally stupid made-up word. Third, the people are singing around San Francisco and everyone knows that they only drive Toyota Priuses there. But most importantly, these people need to be destroyed because they're so damn loud: LET THE SUN SHINE IN! LEEEET THE SUN SHINE IN! THE SUUUUUN SHINE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

3. The 'Messin' With Sasquatch' guys

The theme of these commericals seems to be that if you eat Jack Links Beef Jerky you are a complete dickhead. And yes I know that Big Foot isn't real and it's just a guy in a suit that they're pulling pranks on, but it's comes across as being really mean-spirited and douche-y.

4. The guys dressed up like Whoppers on the Burger King commericals

First of all, these commericals are just plain stupid, and the latest one shows the Dad Whopper busting in on a Chicken Sandwich kid making out with his daughter, and he can't get through the bedroom door to kick the Chicken Sandwich kid's buns (heh). Um, why isn't his daughter a Burger King food product? And how did he get into the front door but not the bedroom door? Why did he buy a house that he couldn't fit through the doors anyway?

5. The Berries & Creme Starburst guy

This guy is just... so, so wrong. So very creepy. I get 'The Uh-oh Feeling' every time I see this commerical. Plus his irises have no color, so that's proof that he's the undead.