Love is a Battlefield! Part 18

My last Love is a Battlefield entry was for all you spazzes out there who hate Valentine's Day, so it's only fair to devote this one to those who actually partake and therefore give me an opportunity to turn it into an Epic Love is a Battlefield Two Part Holiday Extravaganza!

Today's lesson: Valentine's Day is for appreciators

So, you went and found yourself a date for Valentine's Day...so what, you think you're better than the rest of us now? Pppft! It was just last year that you were calling me at 1:30 in the morning drunk on Nyquil and listening to 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' on repeat and sobbing about how you'd never find anyone.

Anyway, I honestly don't think that the idea of Valentine's Day is so bad; I mean, I think most of us get caught up in our day-to-day lives that it's nice to have a day that couples can set aside as their own to celebrate their relationship.

So, what are you going to do to celebrate? Sea Hag has some ideas for you clueless gentlemen out there. First of all, remember how you thought it would be a great idea to get your lady a Dustbuster for Christmas? Remember the look on her face when she opened it in front of her family? Yeah. Now is the time for atonement for your gift-giving sins with diamonds. Huge, eye-searing diamonds set in platinum. And chocolate. And a trip to the spa. And a new car. And maid service. And a case of vanilla vodka. And a chimpanzee with a fez riding on a unicorn. Whatever you did last year, you HAVE to top it or else your manhood will be called into question. Remember, nothing says 'I love you' like her name in tattoo form! (And let me just say that even if your chica declares that she hates Valentine's Day and doesn't want a thing out of you...well, that's Crazy Girl Speak for At Least Acknowledge The Fact That It's Valentine's Day And Make An Effort Anyway. Trust me on this.)

And ladies, it's your job on Valentine's Day to treat your man to a trip between your thighs. Lingerie helps, and if you don't have anything skimpy you can always improvise! Unleash your creative side with a Bedazzler and some dental floss! Vaseline and some corn starch can be very sexy too, or you can be like Kendra from The Girls Next Door and use "two Band-Aids and a cork".

Sea Hag hopes that whatever it is you decide to do to celebrate this warm and fuzzy day, you get laid and you later thank Sea Hag appropriately for it. I accept all major credit cards, cash, PayPal, and shiny beads.

love,

Sea Hag