Well now, I've been invited to the occasional party, but this looks to be an absolute riot! Thanks Hyperion for letting me play along.
Here's my first go, a story to warm the cockles of your heart. Or maybe even the sub-cockle regions, we don't know. Tiff gets inspiration credit for her 'guy walks into a bar' jokes from last week.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer, while his monkey climbs off his shoulder and scampers down the bar. The monkey grabs a fistful of peanuts and stuffs them in his mouth. Then he runs over to a guy at the bar and snatches his sandwich right out of his hands and takes a big bite, dropping it back on the bar. He leaps from the bar to a table, takes a big handful of lasagna from a woman's plate, knocking over drinks and scattering tableware. He jumps to the pool table with a game in progress, leaving marinara paw prints on the felt. Just before a big, burly biker takes a shot, the monkey grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
By this time the bar is in an uproar, and the patrons and bartender are about to throttle the monkey's owner. He calls the monkey, who hops back on his shoulder while he apologizes profusely. "I'm really sorry about my monkey, he eats everything in sight." He pays for the damages and ruined food, buys a round of drinks for everyone, and leaves.
Two weeks later, the guy walks into the same bar with the monkey perched on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer, and the monkey scampers down the bar to a bowl of pretzels. He grabs a pretzel, looks it over, shoves it in his butt, and then he ate it.
The bartender came running from down the bar, waving his hands. "Whoa, whoa! I don't know about your monkey, man, I can't have him doing that in here!"
The guy again apologized. "I'm really sorry, my monkey, he still eats everything in sight. But ever since that cue ball, he measures it first."