Monday, April 23, 2007

Love is a Battlefield! Part 20

Hello everyone! Sea Hag's back from her most recent (drunken) adventures with a pocket full of Xanax and a tattoo that says 'Larry' on her upper left thigh. So, Larry, wherever (and whoever) you are, know that I don't remember you now, but I'm sure at one point I found you so indescribably rad that I chose to commemorate your name forever upon my body. You know, come to think of it, maybe I was talking about 'Perfect Strangers' and got fixated on Cousin Larry whilst on my fourth bottle of butterscotch schnapps. Crap.

Anyway, last time I was here I addressed the issue of women dating men who are going through a divorce, and how that was pretty much one of the dumbest things you could do (besides getting yourself a tattoo of a name of a character on a cheesy '80s sitcom). But a few readers wondered what the female equivalent of Almost-Divorced Rebound Guy would be, and if those ladies would also be considered fruit from the Forbidden Dating Tree. So I shall devote this particular entry of Love is a Battlefield to that topic:

Today's lesson: On The Rebound Part 2

Almost-Divorced Rebound Ladies are awesome and men should do everything in their powers to date them and shower them with gifts.

I hope that answers everyone's question.

...What, you're still here? Oh, you wanted me to do a Love Is A Battlefield that wasn't dripping with self-serving advice? What are you people smoking?

Fine, fine, I'll be a bit more objective this time. You're so demanding.

Let's say there is a particular fine-ass lady you've had your eye on for quite some time, and one day you happen to learn that she is going through a divorce. "Huzzahs!" you cry....but wait, is running after Almost-Divorced Rebound Lady a good idea, or are you about to embark on a vacation to Regretsville? Weigh in these facts first:

1. Emotional Rollercoaster Deluxe
Like her male counterpart, a female divorcee will be in dire need of some Prozac during this transitional phase. Expect scattered crying storms, followed by moods in the upper bitter temperatures.

2. Is Looking For A Replacement Man
A lot of Almost-Divorced Rebound Ladies are hunting for Husband #2 before the ink is dry on their divorce decree, the top reasons for this being they need the money and/or a dad for their little brats. However, many women go to the opposite end of this spectrum and are...

3. Going Through The 'You Go, Girl' Phase
This includes such activities as losing weight, joining a book club, cutting/dyeing your hair, and going back to school. She can change the oil in her car and mow the grass and all those other things her husband used to do because, dude, she's every woman and doesn't need your sorry ass around.

So, there you have it, Almost-Divorced Rebound Lady in a nutshell. Go forth and conquer, but remember, you've been warned.



Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Oh Sea Hag, I love you! Great advice to all you mens out there.

Dragon said...

We're not worthy, oh wise one.

Biff Spiffy said...

I'm on my own if I fail to heed your advice, right?

Ok, good.