Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Love is a Battlefield! Part 21

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know it's been awhile, but I've been busy... with your mama! Sorry, I couldn't help myself, but I am still here and more importantly I'm back with all sorts of new information and advice for you fabulous people out there. So let's start things off right with a visit to my inbox for some more Ask A Hag:


Sea Hag,
Who do you think should pay for a first date? Shouldn't the person who asked pay?

Tim

Dear Tim,
I sincerely hope you are asking this question because you're just curious and not because some girl asked you out and you don't want to pay for a date, because seriously, dude, you seem like the kind of guy whose only sexual experiences come from cybering with 'female' characters from World of Warcraft.

But I digress.

Yes, the conventional wisdom of the day does say that whoever asked should pay (which, I guess, is an evolution of the phrase whoever smelt it, dealt it). However, there are many situations that fall into a gray area, such as blind dates or casual get-togethers. To overcome this obstacle, I have combined the awesomeness of my knowledge with the um... math-ness... of math to give you:

Today's Lesson: Using Math for Sex

(G + F) x (T + C + 1) / (E + W - R) - S

Where...
G = Gender
G = 10 points if you are a male, 5 if you are a female

F = Who Asked First
F = 1 point if you asked first. If you didn't ask first, then F = 0

T = Toast
Is toast awesome? 1 point for yes, 0 for no.

C = Casualness Of Date
On a scale on 1 - 10, how casual is this date?
Examples: 1 = Meeting at a Dumpster near a hot dog stand on a streetcorner, 5 = Meeting for lunch, 10 = Meeting your date at the airport for a trip to meet the Pope for dinner.

E = Number Of Events Planned For Date
Meeting for dinner? E = 1 point. Meeting for dinner and a movie? Two points. (And no, sex does not count as a planned event).

W = Day of the Week
1 point for weekdays, 2 for weekend days.

R= Money Spent Getting Ready for Date
Did you have your car washed? Get a pedicure? Buy new shoes to show off your pedicure? Buy a new dress to go with your new shoes? Buy a purse to go with your new dress? Deduct the total whole dollar amount you spent to prepare for your date here.

S = Sob Story Factor
If the person you are going on a date with has recently complained about the following, S = 20 points. Examples: Being unemployed, dying relatives, acid rain, car troubles, dead pets, back pain, alien abductions, stalked by ex, stalking ex, house just burned down, or recently plagued by tapeworms.

Or, you know what you could do? Open up your pie hole and talk about it. You could say "I'm a little old-fashioned, would you mind if I paid for you?" or "I don't mind paying for my half" or
"It's my treat." You could say "If I pick up dinner, do you mind getting the movie?" Or you could grow a pair and just pay for a first date like a gentleman, and ladies could graciously accept this treat and pick up the tab next time (if you give the guy another date).

Love,

2 comments:

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Awesome advice Sea Hag!

Cheap Skate said...

Did Hyperion ask that question?